Age 8

2nd grade was in Berks Christian Academy,I was removed from Limerick Chapel. I think the schools got switched for a cheaper tuition at a guess but I never really new knew why. I also lost my 3 best in school friends. Brian,Alex, and Charles. I never talked or spoke to them again for the rest of my life. Years later I would be doing a carpet job at that school for a contractor I worked for and I took a glance on the wall at their names on the graduation list for that year. It was the closest I ever went. The path I was on had nothing to do with their futures that was for sure. I imagine I am long forgotten, and they are doing well. Some kids get to stay in the same school their whole life? Wow. I had to wonder what that was like. By then when I noticed that list I think I totaled over 15 different schools at least if not more.

We are certainly different people now, but I wonder what kind of person I had been if i would have graduated right next to them?

So now we come to my first day of a new school ever. All my doubt, my fear, my nervousness about going to a new place, riding on the bus in a strange isolated silence, new people no one introduces you too, hopefully being accepted by your peers and faculty. It was like at this point my new family was squashing everything from my old life. I suppose it was a lot like being reprogrammed. At the time did feel loved, and felt like a proud part of my new family. My new dad as he was called corrected me physically a few times here and there, but it was rare and mostly for things children do. There was always a hug at the end of it and even sometimes an I love you buddy. The bible was well versed to me at this point, so sparing the rod and spoiling the child became quite the mantra for my discipline. Life just became well, normal. Well,whatever a child perceives at that age is normal.

This first school day, this moment. My last major life shift that would wipe out any of the old life I had lived. No more grandmother visit’s no more of my mom’s family, just this one now.

Walking in the classroom had white tables, not desks. We sat in groups. I remember some things like reciting phonics, spelling and reading poetry from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

That’s when I first saw her. Or what would be the beginning of everything I was to imagine I would want for the rest of my life. Blonde hair, the most innocent vivid blue eyes I ever seen, strawberry cheeks, a smile that would melt a glacier. Her name was Heather and little would she ever know for a long number of years she would become the framework for everything I would want in any fantasy I ever had for the rest of my life. Just daydreaming about long walks, laughing, talking. My heart got warm inside my chest.

A boy’s first crush. Just sitting near her made me feel amazing, not in a sexual sense but a warmth. It made me smile to see her smile. Just thinking about looking at her made me feel warm. For a long time (or whatever to a child seemed like forever) I would debate in my mind on what to do about this.. Do I tell her how I feel? There were plenty of kids in the class she seemed to be talking to other than me, other interests etc… The days drug on to months and finally I remember the day I had the nerve. I wrote her a multiple choice note of all things, lol of all the fucking things right? This is what you get when you never get a chance to consult someone wiser than you. 2nd grade first girl I liked and only the worst ideas came out of my own head. So in my vast genius the note read and I will never forget it, “I love you heather do you love me? ” a yes b no c undecided. Ha Ha. Youth is such an embarrassing thing. Still, if I didn’t bear my entire soul for this moral inventory it would be a complete lie.

She took it straight to the teacher who promptly read it in front of the entire class. In retrospect, my 2nd major rejection in life and my first from a female. I think the whole self worth issue of myself started here. I also wasn’t aware of the first major rejection being my father until many years to come. I also feel being rejected by something you loved so hard and the pain it causes this was my first real taste of it. Even now that I think harder about it, it was my 3rd. My mother was still all but out of my life. The reasons were now a linking chain between finding a new husband and finding a new child. My brother. I kind of expected that, what little they did involve themselves with me just going away but not what happened next. How could I ever seen what was to come. The sad part is, even if I did there was nothing I could do about it.

This year was also my first taste of leadership manipulation and control. I spent a lot of time getting the shaft from psychologically unstable and dysfunctional adults till now I.E. My dad and my family. Traits like, manipulation, art of the swindle, the human mind and how ego’s work. I learned the basics very young. How people lie and deceive to get what they want in their own selfish interests. I learned quickly by giving someone what they think they want or need to hear, but lacing in with subtlety a few of my own wants and needs, most people will accept it as an even trade. My promises were never hollow, but I always came out ahead. That’s how easy it easy to get anyone to follow you. Be deliberate, be everything you say and do to the letter, go against the grain. In an elitist atmosphere of white privileged, it’s easy to acquire the outcasts of the land to be used to your disposal. Just the unity of another group and the value of that to them is usually enough. What the elite never caught onto is, the more exclusive you make your little club, the bigger the outcasts you discarded will be. Unify them, and your little group of elitists become the outcasts.

At the time, I think I was just trying to impress heather. She was in the exclusive group of the pretty and smart. If you cannot get past the elitist’s wall, smash a hole so big you can walk in, any way possible. The principal noticed a few things going on, such as the senior walking across the quad making fun of my little band of misfits. Wasn’t so funny when 8 little misfits tackled him down tore his shirt off and beat the shit out of him though. So in come the parents to address the behavior problem, he called me “The Ring Leader” and a bad seed. Maybe I responding to the rejection with rage.

After the dust settled, and seniors knew my name, my ego went right to my fucking head. I would lay in bed at night feeding my ego and in turn reaping the high of endorphins it pumped back to me. What would I do tomorrow? , I just had to wait for the moment. It cam when we were all out at recess. The senior thing never went away, they always had an murmur or two about it towards me. The senior class on this day were walking out to gym in the soccer field. Words were exchanged. I planned our assault. Probably only 10 to 15 kids against 10 seniors maybe? We ran out there with all we had and started brawling in groups, one or 2 at a time. Felt like a war. The rest of the playground decided to run out to the field too and before you knew it we were all going after anyone, groups would band together, Jesus it was something out of Braveheart. Whistles were blown and nurses were really busy the rest of the day. Clothes torn etc cuts bruises, what a nightmare. I never got the credit, but I think a few teachers suspected. I suppose by acknowledging I did it, it would have made me worse.

The end of the school year was near, and with the seniors graduating next year was like it never even happened. Of course this only brought on a new set of issues. For now in came the summer. I would begin my unpaid slave labor pulling weeds, cutting grass and cleaning up hedge clippings for our yard and up to 4 or 5 others. Gunnar charged his share of course, no doubt made a killing. I guess he figured he needed it since his 3rd shift mop job wasn’t paying the bills.

My father came around once or twice in this summer. We talked for a little while, then he would wander off. I’d beg for him to take me somewhere but his only interest was in the drug dealer up the street. It was extremely hard in my day at this time to defy your parents will. possession was 9 tenths of the law and people would throw you in youth facilities for not listening to your parents. If you ran away you could be taken away, a custody of the state. I have no idea what would have been better, I was just trying to hold on to what I had..