I was transferred here by ambulance from the hospital directly. I remember the ambulance guy strapping me down to the bed and I asked why and he said it’s a standard procedure. So I dealt with the hour drive and walked into a place that looked like a 1st floor mansion with high chain link fences everywhere. Adult were separate from the juveniles here, so I was walked to a door and buzzed in to a large room with a small lounge. In that lounge I had to write down my story of the night, I couldn’t put much, not much to say. My psychologist was named Dr. Kron. He asked me so many things. It was the first time someone listened, and believed me. Someone was glad I made it, someone really cared. I asked him if I was crazy I remember him saying your not crazy, your whole family is nuts. It made me laugh at least.
My schooling also had a turn for the better. The teacher in the ward was nice enough to pass me out of 8th grade and into 9th.Sent me out with all A’s. I didn’t have to do much, just show up and not throw a fit.
Something also drastically changed with my mother. She suddenly gave to much of a shit. My stepfather came to one or two family counseling sessions. He sat in the far corner and didn’t say a word. Neither did I when he was there. My mother would hold me like a baby, stroke my hair. Cry on me. She spent a lot of time screaming at my stepfather, still he was silent. So was 1.1 just couldn’t get over what happened to my mother. 2 years ago she gave 2 shits. Now she was June cleaver on steroids. I was asked if I needed anything I said sure, a carton of Marlboro red. I was to this point an inhaler, but not a heavy smoker. I sure as fuck was when I left this place, just bored out of my mind, so we sat at the tables and smoked all day. Well, to my surprise, she bought me one. So I was covered there at least.
I was also visited on my birthday, my brothers made homemade cards and they asked where I was the answer was I was on vacation. I was visited again at Christmas but I don’t remember much of it. I didn’t really need or want to see them.
Rec room had a pool table, basketball court outside. Fuck going out it was cold as shit. We had separate rooms with punching bags to vent aggression. Nice thing was whenever you were angry just had to ask and they’d take you to the heavy bag. The staff was nice, The cafeteria food was ok, but wow did I meet some people. For the first time, I met people like me. There was my roomie john, he was a good guy. Used to help me sneak over to the girls side of the ward. I also for the first time met a different kind of girl. Her name was Janelle. She was beautiful, she was curvy in a good way, just a really cool bitch with a tough
attitude. Puerto Rican. She got in fight with 3 gals who were looking at me or chatting me up. Really protective, I loved it at that time. She kept me safe, she demanded me. It made me feel like I had some self worth. We did everything together, always sat close. I wasn’t alone anymore, I was in a safe place, and I was healing.
The main room had a tv and a VCR with 2 movies. Lean on me and grease. Wow… watch those twice a day for like 3 months.. That alone will keep you crazy. The record player actually had a lot of music and some of it wasn’t half bad. So we always had a DJ for the say because for some reason all the records were 45 singles. I remember it snowing once, we went sledding on the side of the building, at night. Nellie would hold me so tight on the way down, it was amazing to feel. Just someone holding me. That’s all it took.
I cut myself 2 times more while admitted. Sometimes the shit I talked about was just too much. The last thing I can remember between all the evaluations and drugs they gave me was this one therapy session. Our whole group was sat down at this huge table, We were each given these large pieces of white construction paper and a box of crayons. We were asked to make the cards like us. What was on the outside of us and what was on the inside.
I left the outside blank, completely white. For I felt like a stone. I showed nothing, I revealed nothing. I was just a product of my surroundings at that point. When people were happy, I was too and the same with sad or mad. Little did I know then how much this would be my undoing all through life. This was my wall, it was a fortress it was impenetrable. It was my protection. It was Vincent. As I folded the page in half and made the inside I colored the entire inside black. Empty, evil, dark, black. In the center of the page was a small table, on it a small candle. The candle was burning but didn’t put out any light. The therapist asked me what the candle was for because it didn’t put out any light… I said the light is hope, and someday it will light up this room again. It was the brick and mortar me blocked in my cell deep in the darkness. I stayed alive because I had hope. The flame was never extinguished. I was to also find out all through my life, No one ever could despite how hard they tried. All through my journeys, it felt a lot of the time it was finally snuffed.
But every now and again, like riding down the sled with nell, or feeling the sun on my face in her arms, The best of me would poke it’s head out to enjoy the warmth too. ^