Age 18-“behold, an ashen horse; and he who sat on it had the name Death; and Hades was following with him.”

The sobriety which I thought would change my life, was really the only medication I had for sedating Vincent. Music helped quite a bit, still does to this day. It was how I identified with feelings, moods or emotions. Much easier than carrying around that stupid piece of paper the shrinks gave you. Singing, Expression, Identifying the emotion usually would ease the ailment of it or remember some kind of good thing that would happen here and there. I remember a movie Joe Pesci played a bum at Harvard and that was how he kept memories, he collected a stone near the place of it. I did the same with songs.

As I got dryer, my senses got sharper. Paranoia would set in, and I got razor sharp with people. People became sheeple and incredibly well, boring. Same boring shit every day with the same fucking boring ass macaroni and cheese eating mother fuckers. Life needed some flavor in it, some chaos, like a fire somewhere in a traffic jam. A busload of nuns crashing into a paint factory engulfed in flames. Jesus something…

So there I was discharged from keystone with absolutely no aftercare, no shrinks no pills no notification to the school nothing. Just unleashed like a rabid wolf in a zoo. The neighborhood probably should have been informed too. Thanks to institutional schooling i was sent out with all A’s on the first quarter, back to Boyertown west. 9th grade again but back in that time if you bagged an A you could get 3 F’s and pass with a D. Perfect, school was done. On to more important things like making an impact on these chumps. I fought with tougher twice my age, wasn’t to worried. Worst they can do is kill me, and I was on a mission to

Dominance among boys is fairly easy. It’s all about just finding the biggest billy bad ass and punching the mother fucker in his face. Palling up just doesn’t do it, you will always be under him. Justin was his name. Word went through the school man, so everyone’s having a look at the new crazy kid in whispers. Justin comes by and I just punked him like he was nothing to me, well at the time he was. Just a speed bump. By the end of the day we were both in the office. They heard a fight was coming I guess. The teacher asked to hear our grievances which we really had none. He walked out and I said to him, do you really want to do this or can we accept the fact were both here with agendas and can stay the fuck out of each other’s way? I kind of promised him if we fought I’d make sure he wasn’t playing football anymore that’s for damn sure. So we kind of not only made a truce on it, but an alliance as well. Hell we even cut school together from time to time. War was won and I didn’t even lift a finger, Mind games, thanks Dad.

Friends and followers came pretty easy, some I respected, some I pretended to. The trick behind this is the smarter you make them feel, the dumber the shit they will blindly do for you. They want all the power, why not give it to them. Respect pumps EGO and ego will move all your chess pieces for you, no pushing necessary. I didn’t need the credit, I just loved being the man behind the curtain. The best part is I was loved for my supposed humility, bullshit I had none.

Smoke and mirrors built my reputation, mystery built the facade, my insanity drove my passion, and Vincent wove it all together into a giant steel blanket. I felt truly untouchable. Still in contact with my dad and the desperado’s, I knew if I pulled the chain hard enough shit would get done. So far I was managing the solo act pretty well. With cool came the girls, and I had no problem letting any girl know not only was I available, but I wanted them. Worked like a charm. I am extremely convincing when I want to be. It’s kind of scary.

With the Justin thing and all my school problems I felt the faculties eyes staring me down. I kind of felt something bad was coming, I heard rumors of a alternative school they’d send the problem kids, and that would fuck up my plans big time. So I went to the school shrink and told them where I was and what was going on. She informed all the teachers accordingly and oddly enough one of the reading teachers comes out and asks me if I was going to AA meetings. I said no I didn’t even know where to find a schedule. He gave me a number to call and said call it. His name was Phil, and to this day I will never forget him.

He came and picked me up, started taking me to meeting and we’d sit out all night drink coffee in diners and talk about all kinds of things. He sponsored me. Soon after we started getting more kids, some came and some went, we all became close. Friends in and out of AA. Lots of diners, lots of nights playing

spades, lots of cigarettes, lots of stories. Some good some bad, trust me it will all be there. But this year, this year was me trying to work my program. I was reading, doing the steps, even tried praying once in a while. It kept me dry, I hung out with winners. The relapse losers I never bothered with. I was going to beat this shit too. Picked all the old timer meetings and really sucked this in. It was a community, a group I could belong to. It was greater than myself. It’s what allowed me to cut ties with my dad’s crew and walk away. I had a new crew, a genuine camaraderie. No bullshit, no smoke, no mirrors. Just acceptance. I served AA well just as I did my crew. I was still well protected, at the time I had no idea how Phil had so much pull in my school, after 6 months that reading teacher would sit down in a meeting with me. I thought he checking on me, but he was a member. It all made sense. Through that teacher, the school let me operate with almost impunity.

I ended up dating at the same time around 6 girls. Man what a giant cluster fuck. None worth mentioning but one, I will later. They all had all kinds of good and bad qualities I liked but time was eliminating all of them. Them, me whatever. I told them all about what I was doing, and believe it or not I was not sexual with any of them. I was looking for my mate, my yin to my yang. It wasn’t about getting my dick wet anymore. I was ready for the next level, or so I thought. So many thing in my life shifted and changed, nothing was permanent anymore. I felt in my heart my woman could be however.

Text Box: picture

Boy did I find her, it was like fate. She knew me before I even noticed her. She was the candy striper that remembered me from the last time I was at west. I pretended to not be me because at the time I didn’t know why she was looking for me. But I managed to find her. Just walking down the hallway, long brown hair, beautiful eyes, what a smile. She looked like a model, had a body like Nicole Kidman. She was tall, statuesque, totally different than anything I ever seen. Fuck it you only live once, just casually pretended not to notice her till I got close, then

  1. stopped and pretended to be interested in her necklace. She liked me, I could tell. That was it. Rest of the girls I was dating slowly dropped away. She was amazing. Just the purest thing I ever even stood close to. She had a little rebellion in her, a half decent tantrum streak. Some family issues, and just enough crazy to go the distance with me. To be my woman, I thought it was a prerequisite actually.

We did everything together, she followed me like a puppy, the more I told her about me, the more she wanted to know. I couldn’t go into all of it, it left me vulnerable. But I gave her just enough to be everything she wanted. I wasn’t alone anymore, and it felt amazing. Love just followed. For all she was to me. What I found was love creates the major conflict in my 2 sides. The bricked up me wants to come out more than anything and be loved, he almost fights too out of some child like jealousy. Vincent suppresses it out with rage out of greed and desire. I
see something to love, Vincent sees something to use.

  • problems with all of this. The first was she had asthma, bad. Even ended up in the hospital a few times. I didn’t see it as problem, fuck school and every mother in it, if she had a sniffle I was right there, caring for her any way I could. It really felt good because I felt like I had nothing to offer her. But this, this I could do. We used to talk on the phone for hours all night, we were really inseparable. Nobody touched her or fucked with her in school, I had a very close and detailed eye on her. I could usually cut a mother fuckers hand off in a sense before they even got close. Besides, I was friends with everyone she could have liked or could have liked her. It was like I was putting her under some Tiffany glass. Everyone looked nobody touched.

The second was her virginity. This was my biggest torment. I just wasn’t sure if I should. So many horrible stories you hear of guys taking a cherry off a gal and fucking them over. Horrible first time stories. I even talked to my mother about it of all things. Bottom line was I had to be sure, I had to want this girl for the rest of my life, I had to forsake all others, I had to do this for life. But with all she made me feel, all she did to me, I looked in her eyes and saw nothing but love and adoration. She was mine, and I was keeping her.

Money was no object with her, I just showered her in anything she wanted. Something else I could do. Nothing like a payout or anything I just began to realize I really love taking care of people close to me. I like the smiles, I like them looking around and seeing me, maybe I just like to make sure I am hard to forget. They take care of my heart, I take care of them. I couldn’t buy that kind of treatment, I wasn’t even sure if i could provide that to someone else’s heart, so I did it not just by buying crap, I made the impossible possible.

Being a magician was easy, I had all the tools, Loving was so easy, she became my drug. Fuck I was addicted. I could have just laid with her all day long, some days I did. Everything in my life was so rough, course, angry, even the smell was foul most of the time. This was so different, it was like stepping into a perfectly warmed bath and just covered in love. It seemed to be working, Vincent was settling down, almost taking a back seat. Our sex life I would have classed at the time as nothing short of amazing. It was the first time every kiss, ever}-7 touch, it was like the first day and minute I saw her. Vincent had to do his thing in the world, but I could finally come out and say hello. Love with acceptance. Never to that point knew anything like it. Fell hard, just incredibly hard. Everyone loved her, she had a way of working a room. I was always a withdrawn recluse, but boy did I just love watching her work people. Just watching her, she just drove me crazy.

Her mother hated me, hell anyone of reason an intelligence could see I was bad news, I fought her mother like she was a piece of dirt under my nail. Just another fucking speed bump. Thankfully she didn’t like her much either. Nobody was busting us apart, her mother tried to ground her, kept tabs on her. None of it worked. I’d see her at the hospital, she’d lie about practices after school, she’d come over and hang out after school till her mom got off work. We just made it happen no matter what. This below, was her song. It always will be.

This was the first great year of my life, and I would chase the memory of this year ever since. It promised me my hope was not in vain, my struggle was not fruitless. It all gave me the power to love immensely, just one. It would set me apart, drive me to improve, Make me struggle for perfection, and be my complete fucking downfall.