Norristown state mental institution

No games, No con, No bullshit. I was fucked in my head. So in I went. The first couple of weeks all I could hold down were 2 packs of saltines a day. 4 fucking saltine crackers a day. I made a couple of friends, went to groups when I was awake, spent most of my time just sleeping. It was like my brain shut down. Tormented by nightmares, horrible visions of rejection, treachery, abandonment. Mostly involving Noelle. She came to see me a few times, the first visit was just us laying in my bed, not even really talking. I think she was trying to nurture me in some way back to earth.

They strung me out on a cadre of drugs, trying anything in any combination or dosage to see what actually worked, At this point, straight edging be damned I just wanted the pain to go away, I swallowed whatever they gave me.

The first notable experience was me and the hall on the way to the cafeteria.

There was this woman there, I sensed something about her. She was a witch for sure, Practiced the arcane. I felt the energy on her, or maybe tried to absorb it and it tasted foul. She was tainted by something evil. Some kind of spirit. She never spoke, she was mute. But she would grunt and groan and try to speak in a frail trembled sounding voice but there were no words. She look at me get wide eyed and just not take her eyes off me until she didn’t have a choice. I used to walk rather swift by her until one day…

She actually chased after me, put her hands on my face, like on my cheeks and she was just closing in on me. All bug eyed and smiling, she was trying to speak to me. She started touching my chest, in the center, it was like she could see the hole that I had there from all the pain. It was like she was trying to remove it maybe? In retrospect what I did not know then. She was a Psy Vampire, and she was trying to help out a fellow Psy, if I had to guess she never received what she needed to keep her from cracking, or she gave all of her sanity to power upon conversation to do something very drastic. She never came back obviously.

The orderlies were watching and laughing at first, Over time they finally pulled her away. It wasn’t for lack of me asking, I asked the assholes to get her off me minutes ago. When they went to remove her from me she snapped like a rubber band. She started screaming and what was weirder, speaking. They backed her into a corner and I think her vincent came out. Her Gargoyle of sorts as I would

come to call it later. She stuck her hand up her own ass pulled it out and started chasing the orderlies with it screaming HERE FUCKER HERE FUCKER KISS MY ASS YAH KISS MY ASS! It was in this shaky trembling banshee like scream. Life goes on. Shower and sleep.

Noelle came by a second time, little bit shorter of a day but a day with her none the less. She was sorry I was sorry, but with all the drugs I was on I don’t even think I was in my right wrong mind if that makes any sense. I don’t remember crying or weeping either. I just accepted this as my possible life here. I was broken like a click, unwanted and destroyed everything I had. I had no out, I had nothing more to live for. My brothers vision on the trestle never came to fruition. But I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t care. I didn’t care to eat, drink, take care of myself, anything. I slept for days hoping I’d never wake up, and it was miserable every time I did. Damn nurses, Damn meds. Damn life.

Low and behold as if I didn’t have enough shit happen to me enter Francis the short black fat faggot. Bad enough the woman of my dreams at the time didn’t fucking want me now I have a faggot with the hots for me. He came in on a day I was in the hall by the phone with a couple of friends, and what do you know he walks past the first 2 guys stops right in front turns and looks at me and says hey I’m Francis in the most faggoty voice you can come up with. I replied with excuse me if I don’t shake hands, and he kept walking. So after the laughter was done by my friends for the rest of the night I thought I sent a clear message.

Apparently not. This guy would follow- me everywhere, looking for any moment I was alone which was just about never. Noelle comes by for a third time, and she tells me were going to be ok. I didn’t feel ok but she was all I had to hold on to when I got out. Francis catches us kissing and laying together and I hear running off crying thinking, good. Can’t get that signal any clearer right? wrong. This fucker starts peeking in on me in the shower. The first I walked out screaming sopping wet with a towel on to the nurses. They said they’d talk to him, they did. The second time he did he went to the inner part of the facility, where all the major problems were. Permanent lock down. Well fuck you don’t be a fucking queer assed faggot. Finally after a month and a stable regiment of Paxil, klonopin and desyrel I was released. I even had a dash of Clozapine for good measure. I was out of work and bills were piled up everywhere, I went and got on unemployment and got a massive back check. Paid off the bills had enough to buy smokes and fill my scripts, that was it.

Age 20- god damn this voice inside my head

This was Noelle’s senior year. She acquired some new friends on my departure from the senior high school. I didn’t like these people at all. Potheads, losers, waste of life mother fuckers. Here I was trying to get my life straight and here she was going back down the hole. In retrospect I couldn’t blame her, she was never a part of anything like I was. She didn’t know where the road ends. I am sure I had my hand in making it so cool and glamorous at the time as well. She got her license, and that god damn fucking beeper. This was before cell phones, and her beeper would go off everywhere. So it was always find a phone call your friend, talk about dumb shit. She’d start going out with them from time to time, I had no interest. This was the beginning of our end I think. The physical separation we suffered from being inseparable. I understood she never had any kind of life, I was all she knew. I was her guide, her father, her dominant. I kept her under glass, sometime with lock and key. I considered her my most prized possession

and although I had no idea at the time, I was forming an extremely unhealthy D/s (dominant/ submissive) relationship with her. I trained her well in the ways of the world, people, motives of them, perceptions, how to lie, how to manipulate, men and motives. How to look, dress , make up, dress up, even picked her shampoo, perfume, color of her nails. I was in complete control of her and everything she did. But these fuckers, were causing me to lose my grip.

So I drove a wedge, did my thing and she did hers, figured she’d be back sooner or later. She moved in finally and that was the dead lock. I took full possession of her. Well that would be the wrong thing to say. The right thing to say would be I became fiercely jealous of her choice, felt rejected. With rejection well, rejection brings Vincent. It’s funny how when your relationship is in a low all the temptation of greener grass come out of the woodwork. Sure I got offers, but fuck off I’m in love. So here I am at a diner having a meal with one of my crew after a job of laying carpet and look who’s the waitress. Carrina. This was the girl that disappeared on me in west all those years ago, She had some family problems I guessed. Here I am telling her where I lived and come by anytime meet Noelle catch up etc…

She shows up when Noelle isn’t there naturally. Long story short I had sex with her. Lousy. I felt horrible, felt lousy, and I mean don’t get me wrong she was a girl I dreamed of fucking but this, this just didn’t feel right. It was shit. It was shit in retrospect because my love, my passion and my bond just were not in this woman and I couldn’t understand that until much later. This was my first realization of sex and love, the split of the two. The way you feel when you have sex with someone you do not love is way different. Eventually I would learn to appreciate and embrace both feelings but not till much later. Not without love being present. Not without the bond.

So I told Noelle, she moved home to her mothers and we broke up. I was a physical wreck without her. Short lived, One of her friends tried to go out with her, I called her on valentine’s day and she broke it off with him right in front of him. Cold but, fuck you. She’s mine. She moved back and picked up a job folding clothes at sears a couple days a week for pocket money, started going to college, I paid the rest of the place. Lot of work, lot of hard work. She eventually got a job at the Washington inn as a cocktail waitress. God this was the worst fucking thing ever. Scads of drunk lonely men would be begging for her affection and way too old to be hitting on her.

So our routine was, I’d do the aa meeting the crew would pick her up for spades on the nights she didn’t go out or we’d go to my place. The rest of my time however started wrapping up in my game system, or the computer. I didn’t want to go out anymore really, just seemed like I was waiting for her to finish whatever all the time and I’d smother her to the point of suffocation. In turn she’d run out again, anywhere she could. Sometime I’d catch a ride to my mothers, hang out

Well one of those nights she came to pick me up way later than usual. She’d say they’d go to a diner after or she’d be helping to clean up from time to time. It was all bullshit. This night she came in I could see it on her face and hear it in her voice like a giant red light. She was with a guy. She was, she gave oral sex to the DJ and got tossed out the back when his girlfriend showed up. I wanted to kill her, didn’t know what to do so I drove her to her mothers. It all calmed down and got diffused and I ended up driving her home with me but, something happened.

I was hurt. Like bad. It was the deepest cut I felt since I left my stepfather, and Vincent handled it accordingly. No one loves me , no one ever could. Your weak, your worthless, your nothing. Back in to my room I went. Bricked up tighter than ever. My love was broken, it was gone. My bond was broken, also gone. Vincent however, saw an opportunity to not only get vengeance, but destroy all in her. He was shelved for far to long, and his actions were way different. This was not out of protection of me, it was just an excuse for retribution and his survival.

His actions and desires were purely self motivated, emotional love was just no more. I was cold, I was cruel, I was devastating. I tore her down for everything she did, and everything she wanted to do. I started to rule her with an iron fist. Half of me was dead again, and although I never drank or relapsed, it just made him that much more powerful. I could not shut him up. I could not derail the train, and I was convinced at the time I had no need to.

I drained her out like a bucket full of holes. Clamped on to her like a second skin. However the tighter I squeezed my hand, the more of her slipped through my fingers. I let go of my rug job due to all the crazy hours but still did it on the side. More money that way. Around this time and every time someone is of low spirit or mind, temptation arises. No different. First it was Jay. Jay was a hard luck case that showed up homeless and I took him in. He slept in the living room and we worked a fewrjobs together, Managed to pay the bills but Noelle was developing an attraction for him, I could tell. Nothing came of it I don’t think but it turned out he was keeping beer in the neighbors fridge and just fucking off. He didn’t want to be clean he wanted to take advantage of me. So out he went. To the neighbors and then who knows where. So that was that.

I worked a few jobs that sucked ass, but my score was great American knitting mill. 3rd shift job , but it paid well. I was pretty comfortable with it. Solid hours security health insurance, why not right. Noelle dropped out of school at this point, and she had a lot of anger too. The fights began. Our lives were changing to drastic, she was too strangled by me, all a cocktail for the following.

She was going out with friends as usual, I went to call someone I forget who. Her diary was on the floor, and it was left open. Made no sense, I never invaded her

privacy there but at the time I just felt desperate for answers. Well I got them.

Jay, the parties she was having with her dope friends while I was at work, her secretive party life. It was all out there, and I never dreamed of seeing it. How could she get away with all this? Just how. Well, dumb ass you trained her. A little too well it would seem. I went berserk. The last ditch effort and my knee jerk was to call my aa guys, I did. All of them. Jeff, Mike, Bill, and Jeff s girl Nicole showed up. I laid out the story and they were trying to calm me down for hours. Well she came home.

I jumped over 4 people and grabbed her by the throat. I don’t remember much after that but I do know that was the first time I ever laid my hands on a woman in a violent manner. All I remember thinking was after all I felt all I done for you, how could you do this to me, how could you disrespect me like this, keep secret, lead a different life, why the fuck didn’t you want me or my life with me? you were fine before what the fuck happened? Well I didn’t know then I didn’t understand, but I do now. I cut her off of who I was, who I ultimately revealed to her. I felt safe to. She damaged a very fragile thing, and lost it. From there it was just vengeance, bitterness, and no forgiveness from me. Not truly. She went into the book of retribution and the master trainer had to snuff out the Frankenstein he created.

I couldn’t believe what I had done. I didn’t want to do it again, I never wanted to see her again. I wanted her out of my sight, I put everything she had in 16 garbage bags and lobbed down 2 stories onto the parking lot. I broke everything fragile I’m sure. Stuffed them all in that fucking Plymouth horizon and when they brought her back, I told her to go and that was it. Get the fuck out of my life, you lying 2 faced untrustworthy piece of shit. There was nothing left. However, God doth have a sense of humor, She moved into the neighbors next door.

Eventually after all calmed down, we started talking again. But not in the same way, and not of the same love, and not with the same future. She said she did not want to move back in, she wanted her freedom. She moved downstairs to the apartment under me. We even started having phone sex again, and I developed another kink. I started to get a swinger fantasy so occasionally we’d hop online and talk dirty to people while were having sex. Was very enjoyable, stuck to me like glue. Very light though, still mostly fantasy that never evolved with us due to personal insecurity an inhibition at the time. The trust was also not there or security. She said she still wanted me close, easier for her to sever the bond I imagine. As I am writing this from the future, it will also dawn on me at this moment in time that this is exactly what is currently happening to me. I know she wanted to, lord she tried to. I just could not walk away. I should have. But I also pledged her my life, and my life with her. I took the greatest gift she had, and I felt like I owed for it. But I was also in some twisted way incredibly bonded to her, I could not lose it, It still despite all I had become had an incredible effect on me. It kept me powerful, and she knew how to feed me, whether conscious or

subconscious. I think she became used to doing it and receiving the effects. She was also aware of what happens to me with the space, and it was hard for her to deal with the pain of knowing I am suffering, despite all I did.

Of course she was dating, but at the time I either didn’t see it, didn’t want to hear and didn’t want to know about it. She did a great job of concealing it, better than anyone I ever known or would know. But then again I was in chaos, you could have talked me into anything. Just don’t go. Don’t leave me alone, don’t cut me out.

Then my dad dies, but you already know that story.

Further out of control I went, My aa crew backed away from me, I spent less time with my sponsors and began to drift away from people in general and more towards the internet. People were starting to communicate via chat rooms, and I started to look for new people to talk to. I hung out in this local room on AOL many of nights called the reading room, it was close to me. We were all of the lonely, troubled sort. Fighting our depression and insomnia mixed with life problems. My first real internet friend would have been anazzi. Her name was sandy. Sandy had problem with her oldest daughter, she was almost 16 years older than me. But she had something else too. She had a violently controlling abusive boyfriend. Most of our time was spent talking about him, I wouldn’t speak of me, my own demons. Just the bad shit of the relationship I was in. I lived for looking forward to talk to the rom, and sandy. She was my confidant, I became really close to her. Nothing sexual, we flirted here and there. But I kept it at bay. I had bigger problems.

It didn’t take long for the sharks to come swimming. The conditions were right for the perfect storm. She was way more than she was before I met her, She was totally desirable, and extremely attractive. Every now and again she’d come up or I’d go down, spending bits of time being normal for a while. Sometimes we slept alone, sometimes we didn’t. After my dad died I lost my job at the knitting mill where Noelle was also working, but in a different shift. I think she also convinced me she needed to see other people too. It wasn’t supposed to be sexual however, and well… it was.

We were watching a movie doing the dinner thing, she said she was tired and going to bed. I went upstairs sat down turned on my Sega and said, fuck I forgot my glasses. So I went down wasn’t but 5 minutes. She was in lingerie and had a rob on, answered the door with a chain on, handed me my glasses through the door and I started back upstairs. About halfway up the steps all the bells and whistles went off. She never dresses that nice to sleep, she dresses like that to fuck. She never answers the door with a chain on, ever. She got a man in there, she fucking a man in there. The fucking pig. I lost it all. I grabbed my dad’s

shotgun he bought me and 3 shells, I pounded on the door with the butt and said open it or ill blow it the fuck open. Door opened i walked to the bed and what do you know, a drunk passed out piece of shit was in it. He woke up fast with a shotgun in his face and all the screaming. We wrestled the gun went off shot a hole in the ceiling, He was saying shit like we didn’t do anything man calm down. I’m like fucker you were going to. Things like who is this fucker, how could you do this to me, I remember her saying something like I s till wanted you in my life, etc.,. This shit is so hard to write today. The patterns, for fucks sake the patterns.

I was panicked, I was moving without choice, I was watching Vincent lose all power, all control, all sense of reason. There was nothing that could top what was inflected on me, nothing. It was over, it was I lost her. it was she’s gone. I walked outside, started walking down to the park. The park I had so many memories in, from childhood. I was going to the trestle bridge. I was going to sit in the black and blow my fucking head off. I couldn’t even understand why, but it was me, Vincent backed away, tried to get me to save things maybe I don’t know, I was always good at solving things for others, maybe me on occasion. But the pain was too intense to work with for me. I just wanted to die,

On the way who I run into? I run into jav on the corner in front of my uncles store, the chance of it was just stupid. He said what’s up you ok? I sad jay, you were right all along man and kept walking. Never saw him again. I went down to the bridge jammed a shotgun under my chin and shaking I called out to god and yelled for him to give me one reason to stay. He did. My brothers came into my head. I felt at the time I deprived them of a father, and for some reason I felt I would be needed once more at some point to assume that role. That was it, simple as that. I walked home and called the police. Told them I needed help I was going to kill myself. They showed up confiscated all my guns put me in handcuffs. I then ended up on an ambulance to Norristown state mental.

Dad, Noelle, parents, my crew, everything went away. Or I walked away from it. Phil and Pete were sick of hearing our problems, leave her ass that kind of thing. The rest of the guys seemed to be having decent relationships so to save face I stayed silent. My second nervous breakdown, last one was my arm. I just imploded, tormented by images in my head of her laughing at me, manipulating me like a stooge, destroying me for fun.

My stay at Norristown will be written in another entry.

It felt like I climbed to a mountain top with all that I had, just to throw myself off the cliff edge.