No games, No con, No bullshit.
I was fucked in my head. So in I went. The first couple of weeks all I could
hold down were 2 packs of saltines a day. 4 fucking saltine crackers a day. I
made a couple of friends, went to groups when I was awake, spent most of my
time just sleeping. It was like my brain shut down. Tormented by nightmares,
horrible visions of rejection, treachery, abandonment. Mostly involving Noelle.
She came to see me a few times, the first visit was just us laying in my bed,
not even really talking. I think she was trying to nurture me in some way back
They strung me out on a cadre of drugs, trying
anything in any combination or dosage to see what actually worked, At this
point, straight edging be damned I just wanted the pain to go away, I swallowed
whatever they gave me.
The first notable experience was me and the
hall on the way to the cafeteria.
There was this woman there, I sensed something about
her. She was a witch for sure, Practiced the arcane. I felt the energy on her,
or maybe tried to absorb it and it tasted foul. She was tainted by something
evil. Some kind of spirit. She never spoke, she was mute. But she would grunt and
groan and try to speak in a frail trembled sounding voice but there were no
words. She look at me get wide eyed and just not take her eyes off me until she
didn’t have a choice. I used to walk rather swift by her until one day…
She actually chased after me, put her hands on my face,
like on my cheeks and she was just closing in on me. All bug eyed and smiling,
she was trying to speak to me. She started touching my chest, in the center, it
was like she could see the hole that I had there from all the pain. It was like
she was trying to remove it maybe? In retrospect what I did not know then. She
was a Psy Vampire, and she was trying to help out a fellow Psy, if I had to
guess she never received what she needed to keep her from cracking, or she gave
all of her sanity to power upon conversation to do something very drastic. She
never came back obviously.
The orderlies were watching and laughing at
first, Over time they finally pulled her away. It wasn’t for lack of me asking,
I asked the assholes to get her off me minutes ago. When they went to remove
her from me she snapped like a rubber band. She started screaming and what was
weirder, speaking. They backed her into a corner and I think her vincent came
out. Her Gargoyle of sorts as I would
come to call it later. She stuck her hand up her own
ass pulled it out and started chasing the orderlies with it screaming HERE
FUCKER HERE FUCKER KISS MY ASS YAH KISS MY ASS! It was in this shaky trembling
banshee like scream. Life goes on. Shower and sleep.
Noelle came by a second time, little bit shorter of a
day but a day with her none the less. She was sorry I was sorry, but with all
the drugs I was on I don’t even think I was in my right wrong mind if that
makes any sense. I don’t remember crying or weeping either. I just accepted
this as my possible life here. I was broken like a click, unwanted and
destroyed everything I had. I had no out, I had nothing more to live for. My
brothers vision on the trestle never came to fruition. But I didn’t want to die.
I just didn’t care. I didn’t care to eat, drink, take care of myself, anything.
I slept for days hoping I’d never wake up, and it was miserable every time I
did. Damn nurses, Damn meds. Damn life.
Low and behold as if I didn’t have enough shit happen
to me enter Francis the short black fat faggot. Bad enough the woman of my
dreams at the time didn’t fucking want me now I have a faggot with the hots for
me. He came in on a day I was in the hall by the phone with a couple of
friends, and what do you know he walks past the first 2 guys stops right in
front turns and looks at me and says hey I’m Francis in the most faggoty voice
you can come up with. I replied with excuse me if I don’t shake hands, and he
kept walking. So after the laughter was done by my friends for the rest of the
night I thought I sent a clear message.
Apparently not. This guy would follow- me everywhere,
looking for any moment I was alone which was just about never. Noelle comes by
for a third time, and she tells me were going to be ok. I didn’t feel ok but
she was all I had to hold on to when I got out. Francis catches us kissing and
laying together and I hear running off crying thinking, good. Can’t get that
signal any clearer right? wrong. This fucker starts peeking in on me in the
shower. The first I walked out screaming sopping wet with a towel on to the
nurses. They said they’d talk to him, they did. The second time he did he went
to the inner part of the facility, where all the major problems were. Permanent
lock down. Well fuck you don’t be a fucking queer assed faggot.
Finally after a month and a stable regiment of Paxil,
klonopin and desyrel I was released. I even had a dash of Clozapine for good
measure. I was out of work and bills were piled up everywhere, I went and got
on unemployment and got a massive back check. Paid off the bills had enough to
buy smokes and fill my scripts, that was it.
This was Noelle’s senior year. She acquired
some new friends on my departure from the senior high school. I didn’t like
these people at all. Potheads, losers, waste of life mother fuckers. Here I was
trying to get my life straight and here she was going back down the hole. In
retrospect I couldn’t blame her, she was never a part of anything like I was.
She didn’t know where the road ends. I am sure I had my hand in making it so
cool and glamorous at the time as well. She got her license, and that god damn
fucking beeper. This was before cell phones, and her beeper would go off
everywhere. So it was always find a phone call your friend, talk about dumb
shit. She’d start going out with them from time to time, I had no interest.
This was the beginning of our end I think. The physical separation we suffered
from being inseparable. I understood she never had any kind of life, I was all
she knew. I was her guide, her father, her dominant. I kept her under glass,
sometime with lock and key. I considered her my most prized possession
and although I had no idea at the time, I was forming an extremely
unhealthy D/s (dominant/ submissive) relationship with her. I trained her well
in the ways of the world, people, motives of them, perceptions, how to lie, how
to manipulate, men and motives. How to look, dress , make up, dress up, even
picked her shampoo, perfume, color of her nails. I was in complete control of
her and everything she did. But these fuckers, were causing me to lose my grip.
So I drove a wedge, did my thing and she did
hers, figured she’d be back sooner or later. She moved in finally and that was
the dead lock. I took full possession of her. Well that would be the wrong
thing to say. The right thing to say would be I became fiercely jealous of her
choice, felt rejected. With rejection well, rejection brings Vincent. It’s
funny how when your relationship is in a low all the temptation of greener
grass come out of the woodwork. Sure I got offers, but fuck off I’m in love. So
here I am at a diner having a meal with one of my crew after a job of laying
carpet and look who’s the waitress. Carrina. This was the girl that disappeared
on me in west all those years ago, She had some family problems I guessed. Here
I am telling her where I lived and come by anytime meet Noelle catch up etc…
She shows up when Noelle isn’t there naturally. Long story short I
had sex with her. Lousy. I felt horrible, felt lousy, and I mean don’t get me
wrong she was a girl I dreamed of fucking but this, this just didn’t feel
right. It was shit. It was shit in retrospect because my love, my passion and
my bond just were not in this woman and I couldn’t understand that until much
later. This was my first realization of sex and love, the split of the two. The
way you feel when you have sex with someone you do not love is way different.
Eventually I would learn to appreciate and embrace both feelings but not till
much later. Not without love being present. Not without the bond.
So I told Noelle, she moved home to her mothers and we broke up. I
was a physical wreck without her. Short lived, One of her friends tried to go
out with her, I called her on valentine’s day and she broke it off with him
right in front of him. Cold but, fuck you. She’s mine. She moved back and
picked up a job folding clothes at sears a couple days a week for pocket money,
started going to college, I paid the rest of the place. Lot of work, lot of
hard work. She eventually got a job at the Washington inn as a cocktail
waitress. God this was the worst fucking thing ever. Scads of drunk lonely men
would be begging for her affection and way too old to be hitting on her.
So our routine was, I’d do the aa meeting the
crew would pick her up for spades on the nights she didn’t go out or we’d go to
my place. The rest of my time however started wrapping up in my game system, or
the computer. I didn’t want to go out anymore really, just seemed like I was
waiting for her to finish whatever all the time and I’d smother her to the
point of suffocation. In turn she’d run out again, anywhere she could. Sometime
I’d catch a ride to my mothers, hang out
Well one of
those nights she came to pick me up way later than usual. She’d say they’d go
to a diner after or she’d be helping to clean up from time to time. It was all
bullshit. This night she came in I could see it on her face and hear it in her
voice like a giant red light. She was with a guy. She was, she gave oral sex to
the DJ and got tossed out the back when his girlfriend showed up. I wanted to
kill her, didn’t know what to do so I drove her to her mothers. It all calmed
down and got diffused and I ended up driving her home with me but, something
I was hurt.
Like bad. It was the deepest cut I felt since I left my stepfather, and Vincent
handled it accordingly. No one loves me , no one ever could. Your weak, your
worthless, your nothing. Back in to my room I went. Bricked up tighter than
ever. My love was broken, it was gone. My bond was broken, also gone. Vincent
however, saw an opportunity to not only get vengeance, but destroy all in her.
He was shelved for far to long, and his actions were way different. This was
not out of protection of me, it was just an excuse for retribution and his
and desires were purely self motivated, emotional love was just no more. I was
cold, I was cruel, I was devastating. I tore her down for everything she did,
and everything she wanted to do. I started to rule her with an iron fist. Half
of me was dead again, and although I never drank or relapsed, it just made him
that much more powerful. I could not shut him up. I could not derail the train,
and I was convinced at the time I had no need to.
I drained her out like a bucket full of holes. Clamped
on to her like a second skin. However the tighter I squeezed my hand, the more
of her slipped through my fingers. I let go of my rug job due to all the crazy
hours but still did it on the side. More money that way. Around this time and
every time someone is of low spirit or mind, temptation arises. No different.
First it was Jay. Jay was a hard luck case that showed up homeless and I took
him in. He slept in the living room and we worked a fewrjobs together, Managed
to pay the bills but Noelle was developing an attraction for him, I could tell.
Nothing came of it I don’t think but it turned out he was keeping beer in the
neighbors fridge and just fucking off. He didn’t want to be clean he wanted to
take advantage of me. So out he went. To the neighbors and then who knows
where. So that was that.
I worked a few jobs that sucked ass, but my score was
great American knitting mill. 3rd shift job , but it paid well. I was pretty
comfortable with it. Solid hours security health insurance, why not right.
Noelle dropped out of school at this point, and she had a lot of anger too. The
fights began. Our lives were changing to drastic, she was too strangled by me,
all a cocktail for the following.
going out with friends as usual, I went to call someone I forget who. Her diary
was on the floor, and it was left open. Made no sense, I never invaded her
privacy there but at the
time I just felt desperate for answers. Well I got them.
Jay, the parties she was having with her dope
friends while I was at work, her secretive party life. It was all out there,
and I never dreamed of seeing it. How could she get away with all this? Just
how. Well, dumb ass you trained her. A little too well it would seem. I went
berserk. The last ditch effort and my knee jerk was to call my aa guys, I did.
All of them. Jeff, Mike, Bill, and Jeff s girl Nicole showed up. I laid out the
story and they were trying to calm me down for hours. Well she came home.
I jumped over 4 people and grabbed her by the throat. I
don’t remember much after that but I do know that was the first time I ever
laid my hands on a woman in a violent manner. All I remember thinking was after
all I felt all I done for you, how could you do this to me, how could you
disrespect me like this, keep secret, lead a different life, why the fuck didn’t
you want me or my life with me? you were fine before what the fuck happened?
Well I didn’t know then I didn’t understand, but I do now. I cut her off of who
I was, who I ultimately revealed to her. I felt safe to. She damaged a very
fragile thing, and lost it. From there it was just vengeance, bitterness, and
no forgiveness from me. Not truly. She went into the book of retribution and
the master trainer had to snuff out the Frankenstein he created.
I couldn’t believe what I had
done. I didn’t want to do it again, I never wanted to see her again. I wanted
her out of my sight, I put everything she had in 16 garbage bags and lobbed
down 2 stories onto the parking lot. I broke everything fragile I’m sure.
Stuffed them all in that fucking Plymouth horizon and when they brought her
back, I told her to go and that was it. Get the fuck out of my life, you lying
2 faced untrustworthy piece of shit. There was nothing left. However, God doth
have a sense of humor, She moved into the neighbors next door.
Eventually after all calmed down, we started
talking again. But not in the same way, and not of the same love, and not with
the same future. She said she did not want to move back in, she wanted her
freedom. She moved downstairs to the apartment under me. We even started having
phone sex again, and I developed another kink. I started to get a swinger
fantasy so occasionally we’d hop online and talk dirty to people while were
having sex. Was very enjoyable, stuck to me like glue. Very light though, still
mostly fantasy that never evolved with us due to personal insecurity an
inhibition at the time. The trust was also not there or security. She said she
still wanted me close, easier for her to sever the bond I imagine. As I am
writing this from the future, it will also dawn on me at this moment in time
that this is exactly what is currently happening to me. I know she wanted to,
lord she tried to. I just could not walk away. I should have. But I also
pledged her my life, and my life with her. I took the greatest gift she had,
and I felt like I owed for it. But I was also in some twisted way incredibly
bonded to her, I could not lose it, It still despite all I had become had an
incredible effect on me. It kept me powerful, and she knew how to feed me,
whether conscious or
I think she became used to doing it and receiving the effects. She was also
aware of what happens to me with the space, and it was hard for her to deal
with the pain of knowing I am suffering, despite all I did.
Of course she was dating, but
at the time I either didn’t see it, didn’t want to hear and didn’t want to know
about it. She did a great job of concealing it, better than anyone I ever known
or would know. But then again I was in chaos, you could have talked me into
anything. Just don’t go. Don’t leave me alone, don’t cut me out.
Then my dad dies, but you already know that
Further out of control I went, My aa crew backed away
from me, I spent less time with my sponsors and began to drift away from people
in general and more towards the internet. People were starting to communicate
via chat rooms, and I started to look for new people to talk to. I hung out in
this local room on AOL many of nights called the reading room, it was close to
me. We were all of the lonely, troubled sort. Fighting our depression and
insomnia mixed with life problems. My first real internet friend would have
been anazzi. Her name was sandy. Sandy had problem with her oldest daughter,
she was almost 16 years older than me. But she had something else too. She had
a violently controlling abusive boyfriend. Most of our time was spent talking
about him, I wouldn’t speak of me, my own demons. Just the bad shit of the
relationship I was in. I lived for looking forward to talk to the rom, and
sandy. She was my confidant, I became really close to her. Nothing sexual, we
flirted here and there. But I kept it at bay. I had bigger problems.
It didn’t take long for the sharks to come swimming.
The conditions were right for the perfect storm. She was way more than she was
before I met her, She was totally desirable, and extremely attractive. Every
now and again she’d come up or I’d go down, spending bits of time being normal for a
while. Sometimes we slept alone, sometimes we didn’t. After my
dad died I lost my job at the knitting mill where Noelle was also working, but
in a different shift. I think she also convinced me she needed to see other
people too. It wasn’t supposed to be sexual however, and well… it was.
We were watching a movie doing the dinner
thing, she said she was tired and going to bed. I went upstairs sat down turned
on my Sega and said, fuck I forgot my glasses. So I went down wasn’t but 5
minutes. She was in lingerie and had a rob on, answered the door with a chain
on, handed me my glasses through the door and I started back upstairs. About
halfway up the steps all the bells and whistles went off. She never dresses
that nice to sleep, she dresses like that to fuck. She never answers the door
with a chain on, ever. She got a man in there, she fucking a man in there. The
fucking pig. I lost it all. I grabbed my dad’s
shotgun he bought me and 3
shells, I pounded on the door with the butt and said open it or ill blow it the
fuck open. Door opened i walked to the bed and what do you know, a drunk passed
out piece of shit was in it. He woke up fast with a shotgun in his face and all
the screaming. We wrestled the gun went off shot a hole in the ceiling, He was
saying shit like we didn’t do anything man calm down. I’m like fucker you were
going to. Things like who is this fucker, how could you do this to me, I
remember her saying something like I s till wanted you in my life, etc.,. This
shit is so hard to write today. The patterns, for fucks sake the patterns.
I was panicked, I was moving without choice, I was
watching Vincent lose all power, all control, all sense of reason. There was
nothing that could top what was inflected on me, nothing. It was over, it was I
lost her. it was she’s gone. I walked outside, started walking down to the
park. The park I had so many memories in, from childhood. I was going to the
trestle bridge. I was going to sit in the black and blow my fucking head off. I
couldn’t even understand why, but it was me, Vincent backed away, tried to get
me to save things maybe I don’t know, I was always good at solving things for
others, maybe me on occasion. But the pain was too intense to work with for me.
I just wanted to die,
On the way who I run into? I run into jav on the corner
in front of my uncles store, the chance of it was just stupid. He said what’s
up you ok? I sad jay, you were right all along man and kept walking. Never saw
him again. I went down to the bridge jammed a shotgun under my chin and shaking
I called out to god and yelled for him to give me one reason to stay. He did.
My brothers came into my head. I felt at the time I deprived them of a father,
and for some reason I felt I would be needed once more at some point to assume
that role. That was it, simple as that. I walked home and called the police.
Told them I needed help I was going to kill myself. They showed up confiscated
all my guns put me in handcuffs. I then ended up on an ambulance to Norristown
Dad, Noelle, parents, my crew, everything went away. Or
I walked away from it. Phil and Pete were sick of hearing our problems, leave
her ass that kind of thing. The rest of the guys seemed to be having decent
relationships so to save face I stayed silent. My second nervous breakdown,
last one was my arm. I just imploded, tormented by images in my head of her
laughing at me, manipulating me like a stooge, destroying me for fun.
My stay at Norristown will be written in another entry.
It felt like I climbed to a mountain top with all that
I had, just to throw myself off the cliff edge.