It took me a couple of months to finish the basement out, I had no job still and that made Noelle the breadwinner of the relationship. But when the basement was done I picked up work within walking distance at the bolt factory across the street. Noelle was closer to her friends, and she began to go out with my cousin jen. They’d go to dance clubs, get acquainted with men. Act like whores. I never heard all of the stories, and I don’t think I want to. Still, we managed to have a semi decent relationship together. Our life was normal until she went out, then it was not.
As for my pc life, voice chat was the new tech with faster speeds. Me and my uncle bob to this point had been frequently playing games together. We played Doom, duke nukem, I also played spades on the zone. But now came what changed the gaming industry forever since doom first released. Half Life. With the advent of the 16 meg video card and riva turning into nvidia, it blew the walls off the pc and console gaming industry forever. We lived on half life. With voice the big thing was roger wilco back then. So me and uncle bob talked, laughed, loved to get out of life for a while.
Still there was times. I found a voice chat program called freetel. First of it’s kind. I was talking to people all over the world. It was so much fun, very interesting.
Let me know there was a whole world out there and with this tech how much smaller and more accessible it was. But low and behold, A girl from slippery rock pa would hit me up and changed the way I treated women forever.
Her name was nikki, her handle was geminiki69, and she was amazing. Redhead, Beautiful, First time I got pictures to. She was not ashamed of her looks her sexual freedom her kinks. She loved get photographed, she loved getting pics naked, she loved being out side. Her fantasies, her wants, just blew me away. I appreciated women more than I ever did before. I mean I had some sinful gals, but this one wasn’t sinful she was more of an innocence through freedom. I felt nothing sinister of her, I admired her passion. So we agreed to meet when her pc broke. She drove from slippery rock all the way to Boyertown, a 5 hour drive. We went to my uncles, got her pc fixed and she came back to my place. We had some of the most amazing sex I ever had in my life to that point. Not loving sex, equal in his own right, just a sexual intensity I never had before. We never had intercourse, just oral. But it was like nothing I ever had. I felt nurtured, pampered, just attended to.
Noelle to that point never made a sandwich, never filled my cup, never said how I looked, couldn’t cook, didn’t clean. No domestic skills whatsoever to her home, or
her warmth for me. Well face it she was a fucking slob. But it very well could have been the loss of warmth due to my actions. I never told her about the affair, I could tell she was having her own fun. But it seemed like we had an agreement, I didn’t ask, neither did she. At this point it was security and comfort than anything else. We were just mean to each other. Vincent would have a go and just get fucking sick of her too. She was ice. I mean don’t get me twisted here. I was a total fucking prick too. Been one way longer than she was, to be honest in retrospect I had it coming. I could not forgive her, I could not accept her changes, I did not want her, I just had to have her. She was the most stable thing I ever had in my life. By then I don’t think I could have reached her if I tried. Well on second thought, yes I still could have.
I got sick, sickest I ever been. Horrible flu. Smoking made it so much worse. So I had trouble breathing. Noelle said go to the doctor, I’m thinking steroids worked for her why not? So I neglected to tell my doctor I was diabetic, refused to acknowledge it remember? Now I’m on Prednisone, my sugar is going through the roof, and I feel so dehydrated in the throat I’m going crazy, so I stop drinking soda and switch to apple juice. I went through 3 gallons in an hour and kept pissing nonstop. Something else was happening. I was walking funny, like drunk, and I couldn’t see. My eyes were getting blurry. Mind you all of this happened over a few days. Noelle thought it might be with my diabetes, I didn’t even have a mirror. So she drives me to her grandmother who had one, apparently meters back the stop reading after 500. So she called a doctor, I didn’t. She made me talk to him and he said, if you don’t come into the emergency room right now you’re going to die. I honestly had to think about it for a second. She drug me in and saved my life.
It took me 2 weeks to get my vision mostly restored, I had a sugar of 900 thereabouts. I don’t know why I wanted to live then either, I just felt like I should call out my own end. Maybe that was a wack at my creator. Probably was. Even quit smoking. Wasn’t that something. Guess I just wanted to see if could.
Somewhere in the middle of all this, Phil my sponsor dies. Just like that, just gone. I lost some people over the years due to relapse, but never sober before.
One of my friends Adam committed suicide by OD, a few just vanished never to be heard from again. But Phil was my staple, and I was oldest protege’. I had 5 years in. Got my first tie tack from the French creek rod and gun club. He was so proud of me. he held it tight and looked up and thanked God with a smile I never seen 011 anybody. It really was amazing how I managed that through all this. I was so fucked, I couldn’t see him dead. I skipped the funeral and just laid in bed with Noelle all day. Didn’t cry, just didn’t want to move.
They scattered his ashes at his cabin in Bedford he loved to spend time at. He’d tell so many stories over the years. Just walking there for the first time I saw the bridge that he used to talk about building, places he spot for deer, just like all his stories were true. They came alive in my head and he was talking to me. I truly for the first time in my life felt the total peace he was talking about. The only other time I ever had that feeling was at nanny’s. They gave us bags of wildflower seeds mixed with his ashes, I placed mine in a pile and I buried my 5 year pin with it. I cried and said this belongs to you Phil, I love you. I would have never had it without him.
The house however was having larger issues then I could control. My brother Joe was wrapped up with gangsters, he was getting tired of me bossing him around. Mic was getting the shit beat out of constantly by ass for being a general annoying douche. He seemed to enjoy tormenting us, so we enjoyed beating his ass. He’s spend summers with friends, anything to get away from the place really. But every now and again Joe would have enough of him. After he had a knife to his throat, that was the end. Micah wanted out. He wanted to go to military school, Joe left with his portion of the mortgage money (both my brothers were getting social security due to their father passing) and the house folded. Mom found someone to rent it to and we all scattered. Me and Noelle went back to king street, different apartment same building. Go to what you know. Now I needed a fucking job. Lucky for me Phil’s death put me back in touch with AA full swing, and I had a few strings pulled for me to work at Boyertown furnace third shift. Powder coating. It was ail failing apart, and I was along for the ride at this point. I just didn’t give a fuck about anything anymore. It was all out of my control. I was reaping the harvest I sown of insanity, bitterness, destruction, and hatred.
Instead of mending it I ran from it in my head, I ran from it all. Only thing I didn’t realize, is I was running in place.