Age 23- My Death

So here we are. Noelle and myself were at least in a different apartment so not much in the memoiy department, but as time went on, she purchased herself a small zoo. A parrot parakeets, gerbils at one point, fucking geckos, god the place was overrun with junk we just did not have room for. Long as I had space for the PC what the fuck did I care. By this time freetel was gone and the mirth of the messengers came about. Aol instant message, ICQ msn messenger, Skype, Yahoo, pick one, I had them all. But something special I found while I was screwing around on the zone, the zone had no voice chat only typing. Mplayer was released and with that came poker tables, spades rooms, table chat, general room chat,

The program was a madhouse, everyone you ever wanted to know or meet from the webcam housewife stripper to the super hacker to the drug dealer all spent quite a bit of time there. It’s where I learned all my net skills, including female con jobs. Woman with low self esteem and cast out of life just flooded this fucking thing. Fake pics, fake profiles, fake names, married, cheating, it was a meat market. Half the time you just didn’t know who the fuck you were really talking to. So you had to be careful. Honestly with all the bullshit going on, I got sucked out of real life and straight into mpile. Used to just surf the rooms for hours looking for fun people and good conversation. Time went by fast. The aol chat room I just completely abandoned, however I still stayed in touch with sandy through messenger. I’d check up on her, her kids, see how she was dealing with life. But never as much as I did on mpile. Just the webcams had me hooked. Life on the other side of the screen, the best part was I didn’t have to go near anyone.

Well one particular gal caught my attention on there. Her name was dee and she was an absolute sweetheart, a major flirt and had the prettiest Georgia accent.

She would melt a room full of people. Got lots of attention but she even had time to toss me some on occasion. This went on for a month or two and we ended up having phone sex. Noelle was always gone, I was always home. Not a justification really, it was wrong. Amazing things tend to happen when you neglect each other. I really felt at that point all I was doing was paying bills so she could pay herself out of debt from all her creditors. The rest was just roommate shit really.

So here I am, I find out this Dee broad had an internet man, hell they were even net married online in one of the chat rooms on mpile. So I’m like man I might have fucked up here. So I go find the boyfriend in a music room, He talks in between the songs he’s playing. He’s drunk, people are just coming and going. So I talk to him, I tell him I’m sorry but his internet wife is a whore, told him what happened said I am sorry and I heard a lot of other dudes are plowing this girl too. He gets pissed off at first but hey, truth is hard. Men need to look after men, instead of all these fucking hoes using us for whatever. In about an hour he hit me up said he was sorry and how much he appreciated my honesty. We have been lifelong brothers ever since to this day.

Justin has been my most loyal friend, confidant, guardian of all my dirty laundry, anything I couldn’t tell anyone else. We would have many adventures, we would do it all through thick and thin, he was the first man I ever love, and the first man I ever trusted with my life. Every day he’d get on and complain about Dee, every day I’d get on and unload my Noelle troubles. It’s really what kept the pot from boiling over I think. Just an ear who understood. Yes I was rotten, but I did good things too. God dammit why wasn’t I worth anything to her, I was her master yes, but at the same time I was also her slave. She could have buckled me for

anything, except my heart. It was there waiting for her, I just couldn’t let her hurt it anymore. I just wanted her to love me in that gaze of awe again and that respect. I wanted her to think I was special again.

I needed a face, I needed some nurturing, I needed a friend. I needed Sandy. I finally got her up to enough strength to get some space with Dave, her abusive boyfriend. The last straw was him attacking her kids. It was pretty amazing I kept in contact with her through all of this, but she was a good friend to me. She never looked at what I done, just who I was. I agreed to a meet in real life. My first from net to life.

I had a friend of mine drive me up, drop me off. I don’t remember much, I just remember Sandy’s daughter and her had it rough, meeting David. Mostly I remember Phillip. He was a quiet nice kid. I liked him. I think we had a meal and I talked a lot about Noelle. She talked a lot about Dave. We also had a chat about a handgun she kept in her house, it was her father’s war sidearm. A1911 Remington rand with a colt slide, .45 caliber. I had a hard-on for this gun since I was a child. I know all about John Browning, and all his designs. She gave it to me for all I done, from there I owed her anything. Nobody even did anything that nice for me. A few trinkets here and there, but anything I dreamed of having, I had to get myself. I never forgot it.

I had a lot of fun shooting that gun, I lost all my guns when I went to Norristown, so it was an amazing comfort. I saw a movie once that had a saying in it, all you ever need in this world is love and a .45 .1 would have to agree.

The worse I felt about myself, the deeper I dove in the cyber world, the worse I felt about myself. The cycle didn’t quit. However, Something was about to break again. Women just cannot go on in misery. It’s so much easier to move on for a woman than to tackle the problems of the relationship a man just is not special anymore, none of them are. Your just on for that particular ride for that particular time. True love is for suckers that believe there’s a woman out there meant for you. The truth is all of them are, and none of them are. Where you are at in life is the type you will attract. You can change up and risk them leaving due to not liking the new you, or you can stay the same and stagnant the relationship like no fucking tomorrow. No man can truly be who he is to his woman. There is always a phonier, slicker mother fucker out there with better lines then you, Woman don’t want truth, they want intrigue, danger, mystery, romance, surprise, looks, you name it. But a genuine guy with faults? Fuck that guy. He finishes last, always.

So one day I get up to do my normal, low and behold there an email Noelle wrote in the sent box. It was to a guy she was screwing around with that was going off to Germany. I don’t remember it word for word, but what sent a pain through my heart like I never had was when she wrote how much she loved him and how she’d wait for me and how I was just living with to help pay the bills. The reality- just set in. She had no love for me, I was just being used. I understand you know, I was all she knew. I had accepted a body experimenting around is not love, but this was also love to her. That I could not accept. I called my uncle bob and asked him to come up, I didn’t want to flip out again and hurt her.

Well this time when she came home she did the flipping. I had all my shit in garbage bags and a few things I didn’t know what she wanted to do with them. Well she was screaming and broke them. She screamed she wanted her pictures back of me, I gave her those too. I left, went to my cousin bob’s on charlotte street. Had a basement with a little workshop Had a nice room, bought a bed. Was right next to the kitchen and bath, and it was quiet. But I wasn’t alone at least. 1 started talking to her you know, trying to call her a lot.

I thought maybe with the distance she could have seen what she lost but that was not the case. She didn’t want a fucking thing to do with me. She had her new friends, her new life, it was all wired. She made a fairly good safety net. Plan B. She learned well. In one of our short few conversation she told me to square my life out. So I did. I got my drivers license, new clothes, a car, dug into my job started getting paid money. None of it even effected her mind. The worst of me was just something she could not deal with, and sadly I cannot be cherry picked. So I gave up on my meds, Then the pain sat in. The pain I could not identify for many, many years. It was unbearable. I couldn’t eat, sleep, nothing I did could numb the searing pain in my chest or quell the anxiety. I felt like I had Parkinson disease I couldn’t stop shaking.

My whole life, my childhood dreams, my normal life, my one true love forever, it was all wiped away. I couldn’t fathom life without my dreams. My plans had finally failed. I had to talk myself into getting out of bed every day. Food tasted like ash, I’d throw it all up. I even lost my ability to have an erection. All that I lost and Jesus Christ I lost that too. It was all worse than death, my logic went right out the window. I cried out to God and heard nothing. I was completely forsaken and rightfully so.

I was so ashamed to get help, I was afraid if I went back to the nuthouses they would keep me this time. Caged up like an animal, unfit for society. I grabbed my pistol, loaded it and put the hammer back. Then I called Noelle. She was getting out of her car to go to work. I don’t remember exactly what I said but I relayed to her my intentions. I remember her crying. I remember she hung up. I remember thinking the fucking coward couldn’t even finish what she began. She wanted to destroy me and she couldn’t even see the results of own handiwork. Your that worthless to her, your that nothing after all these years you were… click. Click is what I heard. I wasn’t shaking anymore, no more pain. I didn’t even want to open

my eyes.