I had to pick up the pieces of what I had left and try to make some kind of life worth living from it. All I had was a pile of yuppie assed clothes I never wore, A job, a shit car, and a pc. Christmas was coming and that was the most depressing fucking thing. Sitting like an asshole with my thumb in my asshole. So I was talking to Justin about it, he invited me to his place in Michigan. Yes, I didn’t care anymore. Never went anywhere. Never even left the state by myself before. Fuck it, the worst I could do is get killed and I just tried that shit. No matter what I did, I wasn’t dying yet. I figured that much out.I was already running from my own head, might as well keep running.
I first got off the bus in Ohio somewhere. The air was different, there was snowr on the ground. It looked so white to me, the heavy in my chest was gone, I felt like I could run 16 blocks. That was just from leaving the state. I thought my god, that place is a curse on my fucking bones. I spent 2 weeks up there, Christmas to new year. We stopped being friends, wTe left as brothers. No talk of the ex, no sad moments. Just family, just us as family. I never felt so warmed by the heart of a man in my whole life. He restored my faith in men, he restored my faith in good men. I love him for his heart, his past, his torment, his will to go on. It certainly was stronger than mine.
When I got back I spent as much as I could seeing sandy, she would be my rebuilding, my value. I remember one night i was on the couch, I couldn’t sleep. The pain in my chest, it just never went away. So long I lived with it, and I hated it. She put her hand on my chest, she put it right where it hurt the worst. The pain stopped. I held it there for what seemed like hours, and I finally slept. No nightmares, no agony, no pain, just rest. I filled the hole with whatever she had.
In retrospect I absorbed her joy, her warmth, her love. That was what I needed. I had no way to repay anything she done for me, I just remembered someday somehow I would need to.
I got back on my meds in stronger doses, I even
got back on the insulin. San would be the only one to see from here, I hid from
the rest of the world. I only went out late at night, I worked late at night, I
stayed away from people that knew
Noelle and tried to talk to me about her. I’d hear shit like what they were doing at clubs, people she was banging shit like that. I just walked away. I didn’t even want to know her name. I hated her and all she took away from me. All I gave her she kept. She just disgusted me.
So I buried myself in the pc. Spent all my time on mplayer with Justin. Now Liwe due to a buyout, but I built a life there. Had friends, did activities. Had a group I played cards with. Every now and again, someone would get a cyber girlfriend. I thought it was a great idea, I had no use for anybody near me. Me and Justin would work through a lot of bullshit relationships. Sometimes they would even try to work both of us or more. But as long as we stayed loyal to each other which we did, we always came out 011 top. Honesty between us defeated all the fake pictures, fake personalities, and phony net whores that ever tried.
I was with one particular phony bitch named heather, the only reason I mention her is because she taught me how to sing. I really like to sing. Some people don’t mind, some do. But it’s me.
I remember late one night I was cruising the rooms, I really got bored looking at the webcam strippers, I liked chatting a hell of a lot more. I see a room marked D/s. The moderator of the room was a guy named Creative Force, and went I went in everyone is talking kink. Everyone was open, respectful, all the subs said hello, called me sir. I promptly responded with hey take it easy I’m just a guy here. They laughed and explained it all. I mean I heard about it, seen it, read about it hear and there in a few stories but I thought it’s just not possible to get this kind of thing from a female. Boy was I wrong. I made quick friends with a fellow by the name of Supreme sir and all of the subs that frequented the room. I was very respectful, extremely thirsty for knowledge and Vincent was extremely intrigued.
I was as honest and detailed as I could be, as were they. Night after night I continued to prove my merit, and earn my respect among all of them. I did what they asked of me, I pursued the craft. It became my religion, and sex became my God. A partnership on a higher plane, walking among the vanilla. The doors and purpose in my life were flying open. I learned I could never be submissive due to my childhood. I learned I would react badly if anyone dominated me or anyone close floated out of my direct control. I was not a switch I wras a dominant purist, of the oldest original kind. It was ingrained into me from my days with my stepfather. It was my envy of his control through his strength. But that was through fear, there was another way. It was through voluntary devotion through submission. Through this, I would be committed to, I would no longer be equal to anyone, I had the reigns. That is exactly what I wanted. I was devoted all in and I was to pick my name. Kind of an honor, I still had an affection for my religion. I chose the name Redemption. Because through these teachings and these people, I would be able to redeem myself for my next love, my next sub, my new life.
When I was with Noelle I had no idea how badly I was trying to dominate her will. She just was not having it. I think the more independent she got the more I drifted away. I was not attracted to it. I was attracted to her service to me. It all made sense. That’s what I needed to have. I then received possession of a cute little submissive by the name of Redhot. She was one smitten kitten, very much in love. Sadly I was not. I wanted nothing of love, it hurt me. I wanted possession, and that is what I acquired. I can remember being so proud, so fulfilled, I had no room for love. Love was for suckers and poets.
One day Redhot wasn’t on, so I started to cruise the cam hoe rooms. Stopped at one I never seen before, she went by the name . Boy did it fit. She
was about as big an airhead as airhead could be. she was British she was short, she had dirty blonde wavy hair down to her ass, and the most porcelain pale skin I ever seen. Had a bit of a gothy look. Very trampy. I was entranced. Every curve on her body, just sexy as fuck. Low and behold I end up in justin’s room the next day and look who’s there. So we talk a little, we flirt a lot. She had a man named Paul, fuck him. I didn’t know how, but this one was going to be mine. Mine she became.
The towers fell, the planes and all that shit went down, the only real significant to this is Noelle. Everyone was looking for their loved ones, hell bubbles was even looking for me. Noelle did not. When I received a call from her I asked her who she was thinking of when the towers fell, she didn’t answer. I said it wasn’t me though right? she said nothing. I got my answers, my closure. That was the last of her.
So we go on to my birthday. On this day however, my birthday bubbles and justin were throwing me a party, Redhot showed up, went on camera for me. She baked a cake from scratch, covered it in 23 candles and sang me happy birthday. Like the bastard I was I completely ignored it, and she left. I never seen or heard from her again. But I’ll tell you. Quite a regret. I dumped a good heart like trash, and I enjoyed doing it. I stopped my medication, I was determined now to heal on my own, find what I did wrong and make it right. I had no use for anything of the light at this time. Joy, love , happiness, none of it. All I wanted to do was take everything I wanted and chew it up until there was nothing left.
I fly bubbles out to me from England, she lived with me 3 months. She ironed my t shirts, she packed my lunch, she’d fill my glass she cared shit on what I did or how long I did it. she loved my life, she loved America. I remember one time I got so pissed at my tools I couldn’t find anything so I threw all my shit on the floor and stamped off to work. She had it all cleaned up and organized by morning. Every nut, every tool, every bolt. I was really taken by her service to me. I never collared her though, I don’t know why other than to say I did not think she would
survive all I had in for her. I knew the collar was special, it was meant for someone special to me, not just special in sendee to me.
She goes home and we continue our relationship online. I lost my job at the furnace place, I just got tired of it. I hated being in PA I hated all the shit in it the people in it I was sick of it all. There was a whole new life and a whole new world out there, I mean what the fuck was I staying for? To sit on the internet the rest of my life? No I was going to live it, One last charge of Wyatt erp and his immortals.
I bought a one way ticket, got a visa. Maxed all my credit and Off I went to England, Louise, and a new life.
The last contact I made was to Pete, My sponsors best friend. He got so sick of me whining about Noelle day in and day out he stopped talking to me. So I told him goodbye, and not worry. He just said ok. I told him I was sorry. I would never speak to him again.
The week before I left, I stayed with an ex girlfriend of a friend of mine in Philly named Nicole. We ended up having a sexual trist but I left anyway, I just felt it couldn’t work, I think she may have wanted to at the time. I was just so hell bent on getting out. I still wish I would have made a different choice, but sometimes you know, you just know. It was fun, but it wasn’t happening. It’s hard to change my mind when it’s set on something.
It took a few minutes to realize what happened. The trigger was pulled, and nothing happened. I looked at the bullet and it had a very small dent on it. The firing pin. Every I dunno 100 rounds I fried out of it I’d have one do it every now and again. The firing pin was original, prolly worn down. Either way, I was alive. I truly believed from there I had some kind of calling, to something. Some kind of purpose that was not yet revealed. I died that day, The child with all the hopes and dreams of being normal, having a family, being a father, raising my children, working hard for that dream house she always wanted, looking back and laughing at all the pain and sorrow and saying it was worth it. It all died. Now who was I? Who was I to be now? What was I to become?