Age 26- The evil and the damage done.

In retrospect this was a most dangerous time for me. I still had things I could not sort on my own, and I lacked mentors to properly guide me. I fell into a deep depression, I could not sort it. Louise was just to innocent to sweet. Just was not vincents flavor. There was no malice, no intentional chaos. Everything Honestly was too serene for him. There was nothing to fight, so he made his own. In between it all I was being murdered due to not being able to solve the pain that I began to continuously live in. I blamed louise for it. God forgive me she just could not understand, and I was not about to help her.

Something relevant came up around this time, I got a call from Jim. Jim was my mothers new boyfriend, I thought at the time he was a nice guy. That coming from me says a whole lot, I didn’t by this time like any fucking body my mother dated or married. Turns out this guy was passing through and rented a place right above my mother. I know because I used to go over to moms every other day for something stupid she needed. Hook up a VCR, put a piece of furniture together, change a light bulb. But she had a nice place. I remember I didn’t have a phone book so here I go over one day and ones sitting there in the stoop going upstairs. So yes, I stole jim’s phone book. I figured fuck him who cares right? funny how he becomes my stepdad.

So he calls me and tells me he”s marrying mom and wants to fly me in as a surprise.Even offers to fly me back, my visa was about up so I’m like hey sure whatever. What a great wedding, great guy. I remember seeing him dance with mom and he was so happy. I finally had a good feeling for one that my mom was going to be taken care of. I finally didn’t worry anymore. I flew back to england

with a smile. But when I left, I knew was coming back home alone.

I got involved with AA in england, tried to meet some new mentors there. It just wan’t happening. None of them were anything like phil or pete, and my depression was growing. I got bitter, it grew worse. Buried myself deeper in Liwe and my clan, took my clan all the way to finals. We lost the last match and collapsed. The clan broke up and it broke my heart. Lost big. I felt like were a part of something, Hell I thought I was. The camaraderie I realized was something I needed. Belonging to a group. It was something I did my whole life. Not only a part of, but in service to. Work just didn’t do that. Life groups did. It was the acceptance in retrospect I was desperately seeking anywhere I could. Something that gave me meaning.

Louise had a friend over that night. She brought a bottle of Seagram’s vodka and a bottle of wine. I never relapsed to this point, I just thought about phil. He said give it a year and your life would change. I said I’d give it ten. I did. Here I was 10 years later, still stuck. I had all this razor sharp intuition. I saw the ugly and the rotten of everyone, I hated humanity. The animal I couldn’t silence, I still didn’t fit anywhere, and I was so crazy in the head I just saw no improvement other than a few minor fixes. I didn’t have love, I didn’t have all the things normal people do. I was a freak, I just accepted it. I grabbed that vodka filled it with some cranberry juice and proceeded to get drunk as fuck. That was it, goodbye to AA and I never looked back. I got up the next morning and my head was quiet. No more fright train, no more anxiety. I was calm for once. In retrospect I accepted the idea that every once in a bit, I needed to reboot the PC in my head before I’d crash. It was the cheapest cure. I didn’t have money for shrinks, pills or the time to dedicate to the snake oil nonsense. I been there, done that.

With the booze came cold though. I could not stand anyone anymore, especially her. I was sick of England. I was not happy with louise, I was not happy with the change or my fucking life. That was the whole point, to at least be content. I was not. In comes Valerie. She was on liwe, she was in between men and living out in illinois. She left texas and her man and was in the market for a running mate. We had no illusions of love, and I could tell she was trouble. But trouble was just what I was looking for.

With a lot of help from justin, I packed up and left england. I went back to PA to my grandmothers. Nicole , one of my AA crews ex girlfriends helped me come home. I gave louise a load of shit to let me out the door and well, I ended it when I got home. Broke her fucking heart and i didn’t even blink. What can I say love was for suckers. She just wasn’t for me. At least me then, nobody was. All women leave, it’s just a question of when. I wish I held on to that ideal. It’s less painful that way,