Age 31- My retreat to higher ground.

We finally got out of the house and away from her divorce now final and moved on to Allen street. It was really close to my job site and made for an easier day.

The place was cramped but we did our best to make it a home. She never calmed down, the focus of her anger switch from Donald to Kambrea. Kam at this point was coming on to me hard, and I was allowing it. My love for Tammy from myself was being redirected due to the abuse of her. It wasn’t helping at all I was confiding all of this in her. She would send me pictures to entice me or cheer me up, let me know what I was missing etc and how bad Tammy was for me. With Tammy tearing me down mentally and emotionally due to my disconnection, I ate it all up. I started to use Kam to fill the void my wife was unable to fill due to her instability. I never knew if she was going to love me or hate me on any given day, but when she did love me, it certainly went a long way in my heart. She wasn’t well, but that wasn’t a reason to leave. I just needed to be stronger. Kam was becoming my only strength to endure it.

Every dime I had went to the kids, keeping the car running, paying bills or getting things for the house. I was so tired, so tired of struggling, so tired of coming home to anger, the angrier she got about Kam the more I stayed away and spoke to her. She’d take my car keys so I couldn’t go out, she locked herself in her room a lot. I just felt so alone. I used to cry in the living room on the couch at night. I wanted it back, I wanted it all back. I just couldn’t reach her. I started to feel like this was a lost cause.

My job at Rk was going rather well, I even enrolled in an apprenticeship class with my best friend James. We did homework together from time to time, the jobsite was run by a full blown crack addict/ speed freak named Dave (the guy from my birthday party) and I turned out to be his problem solver. Whenever he needed some detail work or something was amiss, I would get sent to make it right. I got a lot of learning from Tim in Georgia at sun belt, and I was always a pretty resourceful guy. I remember one time I heard Tammy and James talking in the kitchen, I guess she thought I was asleep. She was telling him about going through my cell phone and how I was cheating on her with Kam. Yes I was getting pictures and yes I was flirting heavy but invading my privacy like that I thought was extremely fucked up. I always from the time I turned on the internet knew she had a double life. She would always hide whatever she was up to, who she was writing or who she was talking to.

Some character popped up making trouble, her name was Casey and she was a friend of tony’s. She would write me all the time about the relationship they had, and the one they shared with tony. I would start getting anonymous messages on the things Tammy would write, the things she would say about me behind my back. A lot of it just was not true. I knew she was angry I knew she was venting. I even accepted the possibility she was screwing around on the internet here and there. I mean she sat home alone all day, didn’t do much didn’t clean much.

Always sick or sleeping. The drama was all too familiar. It was the nation all over again, and the vipers were fucking with my head. Casey eventually went away when she got to loud, or saw even with all she was telling me I wasn’t listening. I chose to accept it as who she was, she was accepting me for who I was.

Or was she? Every time I tried to love her, me, just me. It seemed sometimes it was received, and other times it was not. Over time I just put me away. Bricked me up. Vincent could handle all of this, it was actually entertaining to be a part of her madness. Not only did I have a partner that would do anything sexually for me, she had hidden shades of madness and secrecy in her life. It was like being in the nation again but in a physical manifest of it. I began to think this is why I was involved in it. This is what I was here for. I belonged here. But, I didn’t actually. Vincent did. He was the only one to stand up to Lilly and her shenanigans. As much as I loved her, and madly I did, even Vincent was getting tired of walking the line. Taking the high road on every fight, getting hit by her and pushed away all of the time. Never to far though, she’d lock a door but she’d make sure I couldn’t leave either. So a decision was made at that point, she played her games,

I would play mine. What could she say about it? just because I never looked for proof did not mean I didn’t know it in my heart. I did, I just didn’t care. I felt someone had to fight all this, why not me?

I started to grow more attached to the kids, they were kind of fun from time to time. She asked me to help out with them, so I did. All of a sudden things as they usually do took another turn.

Her mother informed us her sister and son were coming. After all the stress and all the strain, now this. We didn’t have room as it was, but here we were, stuck with 2 more people. Becky was nice, I really liked her son john as well. But them 2 together made a fucking whirlwind of issues. They would fire each other up all day and when i came home it was world war 3.1 couldn’t take it anymore, the bow was breaking before all this was piled on, and now here it is. More shit. Bear in mind kaitlynn was the only one getting a child support check the wife had no job and I didn’t charge Becky and her son a stitch of rent. They were family how could I?I started coming home later and later, talks with kam calmed me down. I hated calling anyone at the house because she would always either be in the room or make snide remarks in the background to whoever I was talking to, especially Kam. So my life became a double life too. I’d come home and bury in everquest or my schooling. Sometimes when all the stars aligned though, we would love each other like you wouldn’t believe. I even got to come out on occasion, rare but still could.

Ellis my neighbor and Becky hooked up, and were getting quite fond of each other. That helped some, but it didn’t help Tammy. Her personality would flip from angel to nightmare on a whim, the mood swings were so bad I remember a

night Ellis showing up with handcuffs to restrain her and call an ambulance. She would always threaten to kill herself if I tried to walk out, she was cutting more often, and just couldn’t understand how and why I needed to shut down. Her stress, her mental state, her family, her problems, they were all just to much to heavy at once. She never recharged me enough, she just sucked it all up like a vortex. So as I continued to outside sources to feel like a human being again worthy of love and appreciation she felt I was pulling away. But it was to stay with her, it was always to stay with her. I wanted to stay with her. If she just didn’t have all of this bullshit, if she just sat me down and was straight honest about all she was and all she was doing, including her internet life and spying on me, I think we could have at least come to terms. But she was determined to lie about it, I guess she didn’t want me to think she was a bad person.

I never defined a person as bad by their actions, I always saw the good in everyone, including her. Deep down inside, I know all this shit in her life was an attempt to give herself worth and validate her existence. She needed more than I could give, she always did. No one person was ever enough for her. She hated herself because she just couldn’t think anyone would accept her. I still feel I was the only one who ever could have. I just couldn’t draw the line anymore, how could she love me and act like this towards me? The abuse the secrets, the spying, the lies, the talking shit behind my back… It just never added up. But I could feel it, I could feel it when she did. Vincent would feel it, and I was convinced to hold on to it. Maybe because myself worth told me it was all I deserved as well. Lilly was a force, a destructive force, and Tammy would spend many a night grieving the destruction Lilly caused. Tammy is an amazing woman, Lilly was her downfall. Vincent was mine.

I however learned to keep it in a kind of check, for a lot of years. But with all the stress and weight and hate in that place even I apparently have a breaking point. It broke the night I came home around 8pm, I forget what she was so mad about, probably where i was and who I was with or talking to, she was screaming at me and all I wanted to do was eat a bowl of noodles and quietly watch a movie. She wouldn’t shut up, I could not take it anymore so I tried to get up and leave.

As usual she tried to block me from leaving, I said move or I’ll move her, she pushed me then she punched me then I just dumped the bucket of noodles all over her. She didn’t do anything, she didn’t say a word. She was covered in them.

I moved her to the side and I left.

I went off and called Kam. I cried for about an hour over the phone how I couldn’t believe what i done, I couldn’t believe what I become and I couldn’t believe what i was doing. I just was not me anymore, I felt so alone. Kam was saying how we should be, and I said you don’t know all of me. She didn’t you know, she only knew Vincent, I would be in the same position I was with Tammy. Not really wanted by either. But she said she’d never lay a hand on me, and how fucked up that was and how I didn’t deserve it. She said let me show you. Let me come down

and show you what it could be like. I just caved, I wanted to feel something again, I wanted away from all the insanity, I just wanted out. Kam was offering it. So I tried to take it.

She came down and spent a few days in a hotel not but 6 blocks from the house. I stopped by to see her after work and we ended up having sex. She was thrown off by the way I was, the way I was acting, the way I was speaking. It was because in retrospect she did not have Vincent anymore, Vincent belonged to Tammy, she received what Tammy didn’t want. She received me. In retrospect maybe Tammy did want it, I think she wanted to destroy it. But I hid it deep, bricked it up tough. She was not my stepfather by any means, she was not tough enough to smash my walls. But those 3 days, we talked about me going home. Talked about a possible life together, I remember saying do you think it’s possible? She said she felt we were really meant to be. So I changed my direction and accepted the fate of Tammy. Her days were numbered. She just couldn’t love me. The madness in her heart just wanted to stamp me out, and I had all i could take. Kam had less damage, less responsibility, less kids driving me crazy, no mother troubles, drove a car, no diseases, no heavy crazy bills and no sister troubles. I wanted to be happy, I was not happy anymore. It was a no brainier.

After all that I moved into my foreman Dave’s place. I went over to see Tammy from time to time, and she was trying to put things back together, but I just wasn’t having it. I had my mind made up. Texas was just a wrong turn. I couldn’t do all of this and take the abuse, I just couldn’t. With the rejection or attempted destruction of my heart it was the only valuable thing I had left to give. It was meant to go to someone who could embrace all of me. I loved her so much, she was the one to me. She could have been my soul mate, I so wished she just would have took it, I wished she would have just confided to me in the night, I wish she wasn’t so scared of who she was. I had to accept it years ago. Just by accepting it though, I could put it in some kind of check as long as i was in a tranquil environment, someplace to recharge.

Dave’s placed served that somewhat, it was enough to feel for her again. But I still couldn’t go back. I had an affair for Christ’s sake. I was a piece of shit. Regardless of what was done, I should have never done that. I should have just laid it all on the table, despite the fact she would never. I could still tell I was the most important thing in her life above all of it at the time though. I just felt it. In my heart it was over, it was just a fucking shame why it was. It still is.

Tammy gave me a set of rings, she said they were her and Tony’s. I was really moved by the gesture I knew how important he was to her. I hung them up on my desk wall and whenever I was home I wear them, they were on a chain. One weekend I was at Tammy’s and I came home to a stripped bed and an empty nail. Dave said I’m sorry your sheets are in the dryer etc… I said great where are the

rings I had on the wall? The fucking jerk didn’t even know they were gone. I tried calling his friends his Co workers his family James everyone. Nobody knew who was at his place or where they could have went. It fucking broke me heart. I took it as another sign. It said to me like Tony and her, everything around us would continue to tear us apart. She was sad when I told her about it but Jesus Christ what could I do? The bad went to worse and all I could think and do was just beat myself the fuck up. It was hard to look in the mirror for a while. Just so confused between the way I was treated. It was just so night and day.

What sealed the lying or at least not all of truth ever coming from Tammy’s mouth was the day Dave’s truck needed tires, I took Matthew with me and he started talking about his mom. He was telling me about all the men she was dating after she left Florida, quite a bit more than what she let on. Even told me what some of them doing, Quite a bit more than what she shared. Usually typical for a woman to lie about all that but I always had the feeling I would never know everything about her, I doubt anyone ever would. She will not allow it.

I put in my notice to Rk, packed what i could rented a one way suv out of Texas, and went home to PA with the heaviest heart. I felt defeated, I felt like I wasn’t strong enough, I felt all i learned was fruitless. I just couldn’t take the weight, I couldn’t take her insanity, I just couldn’t take it anymore. All of her beauty, all of her pictures, all of the amazing sex we had, the few moments of love we shared. I left feeling we loved a lifetimes worth. It was just time to get whole again, cut my losses. She would not be back, however I hoped and always hope that magic wand would wave she would realize how special I was and all i could be to her. We both had our insanities, but I felt our halves could bond on both levels if we could just control her chaotic behaviors somehow. She needed a change, some kind of control, some kind of outlet. I needed a break from the front line of the psychic battlefield.

I arrived home in January, I stayed with Nicole in Philadelphia at first. The whole FWB thing was long gone, but she fronted me the money to come home as well. It was good to see her and talk to her. This was also the first time Kathleen contacted me. She wanted to apologize for what happened with her husband, and she wanted to make things right. She offered to take me home to nan when I was ready and wanted to be an active part of my life on any level. Time heals wounds, and I was rather low at the time, so I accepted it. But she wasn’t the only one looking for me, Noelle was too.

I don’t remember much of our meet but she came up for a day and hung out. By the end of the day I was glad she was going home. I still didn’t like her very much, but I knew when I saw her I was more than over her. There was just nothing she had i wanted. I was way to different, she was way to vain, Kind of snooty, bitchy. Reminded me how much I changed, and how much she didn’t I guess. My

grandmother saw her when she took me to see nanny and she even said she ain’t over you. It didn’t matter to me, she was not for me. I learned that a long time ago. Kathleen was trying to put on the moves and I wasn’t having it, but I least let her know we were even. She helped me a lot in the transition from Philly to nanny’s.

Tammy was still talking to me, all the time. I just didn’t get why, but she was kind. Very sweet. It took me by quite a surprise, nobody ever really came after me before. Especially after I left. Especially after all of that. She said she had a lot of time to think, and how bad it was without me there, and how much she missed me. She said it was all to do with the stress of Texas, her family. She wanted out of Texas, it was killing her.

But Kam wanted to be out of Wisconsin. So now I had a decision to make. Kam was going to get a place close and find a job, she wanted to be alone but she wanted to be near me as well. It sounded reasonable I even talked to an old landlord and got her to make the deposit on a place near where I used to live in spring city. Then march showed up. Tammy wanted to come up for her birthday, and she did. She stayed with a friend in Philadelphia, her friend I think was in love with her, she did not like me one bit, Tammy at the time I do not think was bisexual but may have been on the internet. This girl definitely was, and could not stand our chemistry. She even had her own man and couldn’t stand it. I missed her so much, she was so nice, so loving, so sweet. But absence makes the heart grow fond, and I could not be for sure. Now I was really confused because i was not so sure of Kam anymore either. As I started to mention Tammy, Kam went distant.

So here was my position, both claimed to love me very much and serve my will throughout. Both claimed to want to be close to me. Who was full of shit? Well at this point me personally was no longer a factor, Vincent was the prize. I decided at that point I no longer wanted to be monogamous, I wanted them both. I wanted them both on a level playing field and over time I would decide who I would spend my life with. They both failed me at one point or another and they both claimed their sincerity to me now. So I told them both what i wanted. I wanted to be with multiple partners, and I wanted a submissive. I needed to have complete control of the relationship i was in because in cove I had lost all of it. I would not bend or break. I was prepared to lose both of them if they didn’t like it. Amazingly enough, Tammy accepted. She would leave the boys with her grandparents and come up with kaitlynn. She would stay in my grandmothers old apartment above my uncle’s house. Kam rejected the idea and backed out. That was it, one was in lust, one was in love. That was my answer.

This was also the first time anyone would come to me, I was on my highest ground, I was home. The environment was more controlled, and there was a lot

more I could do with a lot less bullshit. It was all left in Texas. I felt this could work. Maybe it would allow her secret side of her life to come in to her life with me, Maybe if I could show her I could be all of what she wanted what she desired, what she dreamed of doing and beyond I could hold her forever. I was willing to take the shot. If I could have anything like I had on her birthday I was willing to take the shot and more. I missed her so much, I was so bonded to her I just couldn’t let her go. Even if it all was a lie, it was the most beautiful lie I ever embraced. Maybe that’s what it had to be, I had to live a lie. I had to lie about all I was, so did she. I didn’t want to be just Vincent, but she just could not get a hold of herself. She seemed to me like she wanted to try. All I ever needed to help anyone was that willingness to try, and who knows? maybe she could help me too. Her presence always quelled the void in my heart, her touch never stopped soothing my soul. I wanted to be close, but the separate places to live would not put me to close, If things got fucked up with her, I could always go back home. That to me was a great start and a good rebuilding.

She came by bus, man a 3 day ride. They lost some of her bags, and the worst part was I locked my keys in the car at 3am when they arrived at the terminal. Poor thing I felt so bad for them, I was going to bust out my window until thankfully we found a locksmith. I bought kaitlynn some underwear and some things she didn’t have. Took care of them both the best I could. But they made it, she kept her word. It meant a lot to me. More than she ever would know.

I picked up some work with suburban electric for a couple of weeks, holy Christ what a terrible outfit, the owner was a nutjob, and an employee died. So much tension so much bullshit, after the guy died he fired me. So I drew unemployment off him and ended up buying a car. This really worked out due to the trips to Pottstown and back home to spring city. So money was coming in, wasn’t worried to much about work, spent time helping my grandparents and the house during the week everquest in between, weekends submissive training Tammy. I had her get health insurance and get her teeth fixed, helped her smile more. She had such a pretty smile. Spending her days her daughter I thought would be good to help her out, She needed to read she was having trouble and so I had her reading to kaitlynn and being a mom, keeping the apartment clean and if the place was a mess I just packed up and went home. The place was spotless from then on. Any fighting would result in me leaving so that pretty much ended too.

She tried so hard, she wanted it so bad. But her anger was getting the better of her again. Kam started calling again, Noelle was calling to, and I as usual began answering the phone, even on the weekends. Noelle went short by Christmas she got mad when she heard me talking to kaitlynn and stopped speaking to me. Kam however was not interested in a relationship with me at this point, but she still wanted my guidance and still had some kind of attraction to me. Tammy was renamed rawenous, the 2 v’s were the last signet of my house, and the name was conceived in my mind as a vision, she had an appetite for attention that was overwhelming, it fit her well I thought. It also reminded me to keep my distance.

We had a fight, I forget what about but she hit me again. I could not fucking believe it. I walked out. she begged me all the way to the car in tears not to go, she was sorry etc… I wasn’t having it. The fucking liar she even promised on her kids she wouldn’t. Even with all she was doing she broke her collar, she broke her protocol she struck me in anger. I was fucking done. I didn’t give a fuck how sick she was nobody has a right to touch me like that. She needed help, I could no longer help her. I no longer wanted to. She begged me to forgive her, she begged me not to send her home and she begged me to think of something I could do to make it up to me. I said i can’t believe you anymore, I can’t believe you. She said i can prove it just name anything and I will do it. Out of my depravity and anger i thought of the worst thing.

I told her as her dominate I would have to punish her by tying her to a chair and having sex with kambrea right in front of her, and I would make her watch and if she could take her punishment and act accordingly like my submissive all weekend, I would take her back like never before. I would never walk from her again, I would follow her for life and well into hell if that’s where she took me. I was expecting a no fuck you, she said she’d do it.

However, if she failed me I would wisk Kam away to safety and spend the weekend with her, and we would be over. When Kam showed up, she stayed a whopping 5 minutes and Raw lost her fucking mind. Between the dirty looks and the griping Kam just said no way I can’t do this and walked to the car. Raw begged her to stay, begged me not to go. But it was too late, the deal was broken, Vincent was pissed and I knew she was just another phony. She could she loved me and write all the letters but her alternate life on the net she kept hidden from me was full of people that would always just be told the worst of me. She would forever seek sympathy, attention, and the affection of men. I was so mad, I had so much faith in her words, I wanted to believe she would go anywhere with me, do anything with me, she really loved me, even if it was only half of me. She had me going for a bit, she really did. But now comes the judgment, She hit me again, she would lose me again. That was the deal, that was how it worked. That’s what had to happen.

The weekend with kam took a hell of a toll on me. I wanted to go back, no matter how much I drank or how many pills I swallowed or the sex in between, I didn’t want to let go of her. If I broke my word I wouldn’t be any better than she was. I made the choice, I wasn’t weak, and I wasn’t a liar. It had to be done. That was my logic then, as f d up as it was. I never claimed to be anything righteous. Not then.

I was just a bad man trying to do a good thing.

I woke up clear headed in the late of the night. My phone was shut off, I turned it on. After reading all the messages and seeing raw’s declaration of suicide, I just couldn’t live with it. Not for me. I flashed back to the gun and the trigger I pulled

for a woman that felt nothing For me. She was reaching out for me, never in my life could I ever turn away from someone I held so close at any point in time.

Despite kam saying it was just bullshit and don’t go, I didn’t believe that. I left. I went to her and she was drinking, she swallowed a bunch of pills she was laying down. I had her throw up and lay back down and she did with her back to me. It was a wailing i could feel down to the bones of my soul. I was already in this too deep to go back. But that night I discovered something. Her pain, her sorrow, her suffering.

It was real, it reminded me of the weeping I did when I was a child. It was something I bonded to in the sense of I never met anyone with that pain like I had. I never seen what it looked like outside of myself. I never had anyone who ever had that. That’s when I knew she was my soul mate. That broken soul we both shared, that’s what was tugging at me to always go back. The me, the me that was not Vincent was bonded to her broken heart. We both felt we could never mend, and every night on top of what we shared in each other’s arms, our broken hearts would cry on each other in that plane of woe and rejection from the rest of the world. She tried to get me not to leave, she was saying she’d kill herself again, I slapped her as hard as I could she was so hysterical right in the face. I kissed her. I didn’t have sex with her that night, no Vincent. I fell in love with her again, and I made love to her. Lost in a moment I wanted never to end. I felt like I reached her, she reached me. Through all the walls and bullshit, she reached me.

The reality was I also had to close out with kam and send her back. I didn’t want her anymore after that. Not for a partner. Not even for a friend. I didn’t care if raw was done with me or not. Kam was not and could never bond to me the way raw did. Nobody accomplished what she didn’t even have to try to accomplish. She found me through all my walls. She sat in my room inside of me, she cried for me. No one was ever there before. I don’t even remember how the weekend ended, I don’t even remember taking her to the airport. But this would be the last time we spoke. For many years. What seemed to be clear was now crystal clear, but it was far too late. I dug my hole, just like Allen street. She deserved better than all of this. I know what I had inside of me would have wanted the same thing if the shoes were on the my feet.

I came back from the airport and took some more of the pills Kam gave me for my back. I ended up getting deathly ill on them and Raw ended up flushing them down the toilet. Her power went out and I stayed with her until it came back on, She convinced me to agree to another punishment in which I performed and she submitted fully. After all she done on Allen and her old house, after all I done, I wiped the slate anew and called it even. We were both kind of reborn that evening, we looked at each other like the first day we saw each other, and we both reformed a bond that night that would lead both of us into a height of closeness up to that point in my life I never had before. To actually feel what I felt deep inside, not from my transferring it, but from being tormented by it. I never knew anyone to have that pain that deep, for or since.

Around this time was my cousin gar’s wedding, for most of my life I thought he was gay. But turns out he was waiting for the right woman. Raw went with me to the reception, and she got to meet my mom’s family. It was a good time I thought, I wished I would have danced with her.

Also on my fathers’ side my uncle randy, who went blind from a crack addiction, was finally dying. He was my fathers’ younger brother. I used to go by before I’d see raw ever}7 Friday and talk to him, take him stuff my grandmother made. I’d pick up a pizza from the shop downstairs for Raw and kai, and we’d spend the weekend together just cuddling, recharging, learning, kink. Our time apart also had amazing evenings together online. She was really trying, she even went to a counselor and got on some medication finally. She was stabilizing mentally. I was feeling safer with her again. Even got her into everquest with me. My guild was gone and collapsed, needed people anyway.

We also started Swinging. We were getting into the lifestyle of it, meet and greets, parties, private parties. I wasn’t unfamiliar with it due to john and Chris, but this was the first time I had a partner to do it with. In retrospect she really did well considering how shy she was and how low her self esteem was. It was difficult at first. We both agreed to go to a private house orgy and it ended up not going so well, she ended up shying away and there was a couple there that kept insulting us so we left and went home. I was extremely upset at her failure and the way the party went down I grabbed her necklace which was a symbol of her submission and she tried to grab it back. I told her she didn’t deserve it and I kicked her a couple of times in the ribs. It wasn’t right and I was drunk and really was sick at her lies at that point. We later agreed the orgies were to much and we started with more intimate encounters. This went over a lot better and her actually getting out of her shell and having some fun once in a bit was extremely enjoyable for me and Vincent all its own right.

The inner me was dying to have her catch up, I was trying to get her to where I was, I thought maybe if she was she could at least keep herself in check mentally. It really all seemed to be working, Our nights of reclaiming each other were filled with laughter, and just fun. She really became a running partner with me, she was my submissive, my fantasy, my darkest desire, my world. I never needed anything with her, only through her.

  1. also picked up a radio show on the internet with my friend and long brother,

Justin. We kept it a talk show, some music but we had a lot of fun. My Eq guild became fans, even raw got into it. She seemed proud of me. It was a good time, it was really turning out to be a phoenix from the ashes. This became our life, our time. I started buying her sex toys, bedroom stuff, makeup, outfits and lingerie, I just wanted her to feel pretty and I just became infatuated with her. I always took pictures, Occasionally video, but it was all just so much fun. I became proud to own her, I grew proud of what we had and how far I went to find her. I really had something special, and in turn it made me feel special. Through all the little scrapes we had, nothing just ever compared to us. At this point we were deeply in love with each other, and I felt I had all I ever wanted, needed, even all I could ever wish for. I loved her for all she was again, even what i didn’t see before. It was quite a new beginning.

Age 29- Save me

I woke up one morning and that was on my mirror. It was written with the bar of hand soap on the sink. It was in my handwriting, it was frantic looking, written in haste. Save me. What I secluded from the world was crying out to anyone. I could feel it inside sometimes, it was a feeling that would attempt to burst me into tears. Quickly able to stifle it, I would just swallow the feeling and go on. Almost every female in my life at the time was dropping the L word like candy on me. The bottom line was i could not feel it. I promptly told them that. Like I had a handicap. Some would try for a while, some wouldn’t bother. So with all the women fascinated by me I was talking to I figure this year since the nation was on autopilot it was time to put all the bullshit to the test. I began my quest to figure who I was wasting my time with and who if anyone I was not.

My job was fairly flexible, and I had some vacation stacked up I never used. The trips to the south were cancelled and I was mostly wiring houses in new developments all over killeen. The lampasas crew didn’t like me very much so if I didn’t show no big deal. The other circumstance was the IRS. The fuckers finally caught up to me. When I was laying carpet years ago I was working under the table for a guy who got audited, well he turned me in for back taxes and I owed thousands. It was coming to the 7 year mark where the debt would be wiped, so they started to garnish my check in full. I talked the owners into loaning me money and me working for no pay until the time expired. The I would repay the loan and keep the balance. It was andrew’s doing, like i said he is an amazing guy.

I was also stripping out wire for copper, and when the mines went on strike and china went into overproduction the price tripled. So money was in excess and I was actually doing well. They even set me up a personal loan to buy a car since I was out of the way for rides at this point. So I bought a grand am for a couple of thousand and things were complete. The only thing missing was a physical partner that could somehow accept me and the kind of life I lived, and who I was. It’s not easy to find a gal into a sadistic dominant with an ego duality,major life and childhood trauma, sexual deviance, involvement with chaos magik, a fascination with lovecraft and mythos, and involved in an online cult of vampyric and lycanthropic folk lore mixed with debauchery and a ruling hierarchy.

The only partner I ever felt at this point in time that could be even remotely compatible would have to be at least a nation member. But with all the fucking backstabbing and just downright evil from most of these bitches I was slightly open to other choices. Also at this point in time, I truly believed all women I would ever acquire were heartless and soulless anyway, so every I think I love you and the oh your so special shit was always taken with a thank you your so sweet but in my head it was yah fucking right what the fuck do you want from em really kind of thing. As I said they weren’t getting close, I wasn’t letting them. I gamed them, not the other way around. I had been in it to long. Had to much and was more than sick and tired of bullshit bitches. But I still had hope to find at least an equal. A running partner in crime, an equal just as dark as I was. Many had the claim of being able to take my full embrace, but even that was a lie. In retrospect I know no one and I mean no one would want to save the piece of shit inside of me. No one ever loved him, no one would.

Kambrea had met a guy by this time she was in love with, his name was jordan. But still, all of what we went through and all she did for me and the nation I had to know. I had to know what kind of person she was, I had to know she was genuine or not, and how bad. So my first trip was to madison Wisconsin. I stayed in a hotel with room service and a bar, never much left the hotel I never needed

to. I walked nearby for cigarettes, but that was it really. She came by with jordan once, and visited with me twice. Nothing happened physically, but face to face she was the same person to me. She seemed to wrant me to bless her relationship more than anything, he was a rather normal guy but I think this was her attempt to get back with the normal world. She was beginning to phase out and reject her place. She wanted to be normal again.

The thing is there are people like me, scarred deep who cannot return. But, people that have some damage, they can recover with the right help. That is what I gave her. She had the ability to still have a life in the world, with the right mask on. It was very hard to allow this due my own greed. She was constant stability, she was a feminine voice on those lonely nights when me and justin were up all night pondering the mysteries of life. She was accepted in our inner circle and had the use of all the tools it entailed. She still held up her end from here for a good while, but I think it was more out of debt repayment in this stage of the game. I saved her life, reborn it into the darkness, and gave her enough to fool simple in the regular world. As far as she knew she no longer needed a mentor. In years to come though, how wrong she would be.

The nation without my direct attention at all times left the vipers to start eating each other. Nik was hearing louder whispers of my urge to rule without him and my desires to oust the brujah. It was all bullshit really, I was fine where I was. But the thing was, Nik started to do the same behind my back. Slowly and steadily from reliable sources I was hearing how Nik hated me. He was starting to believe all the pussy he was fucking with I guess. He was starting to believe I would betray him. I told no one of my trip to Wisconsin but justin, in fear of the backlash and the drama it would create. It was easy to fake, I just told them I was out of town on a trip and kam kept up her appearances again, keeping me well informed. I really didn’t think at this point the nation would ever implode it was our lives, all of us. We treasured it. Everyone but the one man who was too unstable and forced himself to not only be the glue of the nation itself, but ultimately the power to do anything with it. He was about to make his most detrimental error in a tantrum fit for attention.

Nik would take more and more time off from the nation leaving me to manage in his stead. Every time he would come back we would bring him up to speed through the archive, he would almost get pissed because he wasn’t directly needed for anything but grabbing cyber ass and vanishing again. Every time he would come back a little longer gone, women veterans were warning the new recruits and everyone was getting wise to what he was doing and just ignoring him further. He had no shit in what we were doing, just what he could take. His adoration was growing smaller and smaller, and I think in the end it all got to him. What was to come was so unthinkable, I never saw it coming.