I remember I had a sense of things after that night, a familiar sense of things. I was to know later how familiar, for it would turn out that I was swapping families on just about every level. As my vampiric family slipped out, this family 1 was drawing in. It seemed like destiny, the more I saw needed to be done the more I felt I belonged. I never received a lick of credit for anything I did for nik, and by the time the members were in recognition of who was really doing what it got yanked out from under me. However here with her, I felt like I finally had the reigns. So much trouble these people had, it’s like they were all abandoned to rot in that place. Maybe I’m moving to far ahead.
I remember her in the kitchen, cooking. I was recovering on the couch from a massive night of drinking which I certainly wasn’t used to. I went from absolut vodka to crown royal, and I became a fan of whiskey ever since. The poor thing was boiling a rack of ribs in a Dutch oven pot with brown sugar and honey. Bless her heart, so she wasn’t the world’s best cook. I came to understand her boys would only eat anything covered in sugar so that was going to hit my diabetes pretty good. The boys didn’t say to much to me, the little girl however seemed to be pretty fascinated with me. She came out staring around the corner from time to time and one point diaper and milk bottle braved her way to the living room to her mother sitting on the couch. She looked over at me and said “your a turkey” and ran back to her room. (I found out at one point later she was referring to Oscar the grouch called big bird a giant turkey). You have to remember aside from Lindsey this was the first time I even agreed to be any kind of active let alone with a woman who had children. Lindsey was short and I always stayed away from her kids, I felt they had a father.
These kids needed something, I wasn’t sure what. I just knew I never wanted to go home. The house was a certifiable disaster, she said she just got over a kidney disease. I knew from the boxes stacked up all over the place (from her mother bringing junk over from the goodwill she worked at) and the state of the kitchen and bathrooms this was bad. Top it all off the place was infested with cockroaches. So bad I had to shake them out of my shoes before I put them on. Probably from all the boxes of junk brought in. One bedroom had a giant pile of laundry in it. I mean it was a mountain of clothes. Not folded looked like they were just washed and tossed in a pile. The little girls room was littered with boxes of junk food crawling with roaches and warm rotten milk bottles lost all over the room. She just couldn’t keep up.
To add on to that, she was in the middle of a rather bitter divorce. The first
marriage was with a guy named Bryan, fathered her first 3 boys, the stories I heard over the years were all terrible. Tales of heavy drug use, theft, physical abuse, rape, abandonment. You just didn’t want to hear them or believe it was possible. Reminded me a lot of my home life growing up. That explained a bunch of the issues I was sensing I thought.
Matt was the oldest, but there was something off about him. He had a child like mind I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but his mental state was a lot younger than it should have been for a boy his age. Mostly quiet, when he did speak it was with a highly overactive imagination and he had a temper. It was these blind rage fits his mother would have to calm him down from. He felt lost, empty.
Joe was next in line, this kid I didn’t feel anything but good vibes from. He was a happy kid, very self reliant. Bit of a fixer, he seemed to be the sibling glue.
Helping out Matthew and helping out kai and helping his mother. I figured we would actually get along great. Maybe he could go back to being a kid again.
Cody was 3rd in line, I did not meet him until later. He was living with his great grandparents out on their ranch. Tammy’s mother lived there too, Taking care of them. When I first saw this kid I fell in love with him. He looked so much like his mom. Had her shy demeanor, her smile, her eyes, even her hair. I found out later he was sent there due to his medical problems with asthma. I just didn’t see this kid as aggressive at first, but then again I didn’t see Tammy as aggressive either in retrospect.
Then there was Kaitlin. 4th in line and 1st in her second marriage, Donald was a soldier, spent most of his time overseas. Tammy told me this was just a marriage of convenience to get health insurance and she was raped by Donald at one point and became pregnant with Kaitlin. In fact she said all of kids were a result of marital rape and her first marriage was forced to be at gunpoint by her mother.
Her mother was a real piece of work. I sensed we were going to have problems, but I also sensed she was not pushing me away due to the help she needed to carry the house, which at this point in time she was carrying both houses. I at least had respect for her for that. She asked me from now on to park around back until the divorce was final, I obliged.
She also talked of tony, how they were friends and how he was living there to help her out. At some point he had to go home and he died there. Heart attack at a very young age. She loved him very much, and I could respect that. I think she even loved him more than me at the time, but I can’t exactly compete with a dead man so it was more than bearable. The heart is a heart, the heart wants what it
wants. I was just fortunate I thought to be this close.
We met again for valentine’s day, she wore the prettiest dress. Took a bunch of pictures and just hung out. What a fantastic weekend. But I just started to get a bug up my ass. I felt like I was just going down there, ignoring her world and going home. She needed help, she never asked for it but I just couldn’t get around it. I started with trying to clean up the place, fix a few things. Scrubbed out and sanitized her entire kitchen which was just loaded with dirty plates, pans, filthy counters and just general neglect. Reminded me of being back on Jefferson, looking after my brothers. She kept saying I didn’t have to but I wanted to. It just felt right. I really loved her and wanted her to know I could do a hell of lot more than just stop by for a piece of ass.
Sex with her was just amazing, and I really couldn’t keep my hands off of her. It was just the combination of her physical beauty in my eyes, the fact I was feeling something real in my heart, the fact that I really could have a family of my own, and the need for me in this house. I could make a difference, I could change the course of their destiny, I could help.
I told her some things, not many things but I told her about the nation, I told her I was dating some women and talking to a few who wanted to date me. I also told her I needed some time to drop them all out. I told her I just wanted to be with her. I really did. So she agreed and I took the time. I called Jeannie and just broke her up, she had high hopes of us and it wasn’t happening even before I met Tammy, but she sure sealed it. I left her in charge of the everquest guild and said I needed to devote my time to this house and this relationship. I had to put everything into it. It was the only way to me. The rest of them I made it very clear who I wanted, and if they wanted to stay friends that was fine. Some stayed, some did not. Kambrea was not an issue, she was long since gone and off with her new boyfriend Jordan, It didn’t bother me one bit at that point. Neither did the nations implosion. Or liwe’s for that matter. Nothing did. I didn’t want to be anywhere else but focused on them, I had plenty to keep my mind occupied with.
But that evening, was just the beginning of everything to come. It started with before I left, I was pulling out and my alternator belt snapped. I couldn’t go down and it was a long walk to the auto store. She contacted her mother and she helped me change the belt. It seemed strange she was kind of flirting with me but I just blew it off, took it as southern charm I guess. It wasn’t till a couple hours passed I get a call from tammy, she was angry as all hell. I never heard her this mad, so I was taken back a bit. She was demanding to know why it was taking so long and why I didn’t call and I said my hands were filthy and I was going as fast as i could. She accused me of having sex with her mother, I reacted in a fit. I remember saying if this is the kind of person you think I am we need to rethink this whole situation, so you can either apologize for that comment and I can finish this or we
can part ways friends right now. She apologized. I just couldn’t believe she said that. Must have just been those weird things women say you know. I been accused of a lot of things, never fucking a mother. I have been a mother fucker however.
The end of the night while we were sleeping together I really felt at peace. I felt home. It really surprised me when I came to gasping for air. She was collapsed with her back to me. My neck hurt. I went to the bathroom, splashed some water on my face and I came out she was out on the back porch wrapped in a blanket shaking. Then it all flashed in my head, like what used to happen with my stepfather all those years ago. She was straddled on top of me, her eyes were gone, they were black. She had her hands around my throat, I came to I couldn’t breathe, my brain was numb, my whole body was numb. I couldn’t lift my arms. Too weak. She said in almost a growling voice “you better not fucking hurt her” I didn’t even have time to figure out what or why or how, I couldn’t speak. I just closed my eyes and waited for her to finish it. Vincent threw her off of me. Or punched her off, or something. She just collapsed. That was it.
It was then I spoke of Vincent to her, I told her about the abuse, she mentioned a half of her she had as well, Lilly was her name. Something extremely new to me, another person with another half of them, a protector like I had. This was my first woman I ever had with serious abuse as I had, serious mental issues like I had, and no one to believe in her, to support her, to even understand or guide her out. From here knew why I ended up here. This was fate. The nation was for my own gain, this would be for them, and me. My Redemption truly.
I let go of the net handle I held so long that night, changed to Dolor. D for short. I had a deep fascination with the vampire hunter D series from childhood, and the name was a lost medieval word for loss and heartbreak. Between Kam and the nation, that about summed me up at the time. The old me was wiped away that night, the final version of me was going to execute all I had learned on the rebuilding of this house. This was a genuine commitment, and I no longer slept with my heart jumping out of chest. I will have to admit, I was scared if could take all this on. As time grew on, more just piled in. More drama, more problems, more shit to conquer. I enjoyed the chaos, I welcomed the struggle. It was a true test of my skills. Tammy at the end of the every day, was my beautiful reward. All she would do to make me feel loved, it just all went away no matter what happened during the day. It all just went away. I started to realize how much her world and the everyday stresses effected her. If I took the weight off, I thought she could recover. I never should have looked past the incident, but everyone makes a mistake every now and again. Nothing worth having was ever easy. She was definitely worth having. I felt she was only one who could ever possibly accept, understand, and embrace me in whole.
So most of my information was learned through talking in texts and on the phone after I went home, and she asked me for some help with printing some things she needed for court and the divorce. Her mother showed up and they went through 2 bricks of paper and 3 sets of cartridges. I ran to staples twice. Wow a few things, I couldn’t believe how much fun they were having. Just laughing and joking at how the demise of this guy was going to happen. It didn’t bother me at the time, I heard him show up every now and again to see kaitlynn and he would mostly fight with her. Tammy would not her out because she spent most of the days sick in her room. Honestly I think all the milk gave her a weak stomach, maybe the rotten ones too. I used to go in to find them so she wouldn’t drink them. Every day I was there. I just started developing an affection for her, I also knew how men would treat her at a young age was very important to how she would grow up. So I did the best I could without being too close or too weird.
Her birthday rolled up, and I wanted to take her out and do something special.
We went to a steakhouse, and I made a joke about taking her to Uhaul for free hot dog day when we passed it. First gal I met that could eat a fucking steak instead of some pussy assed salad or something. It was so nice to sit and laugh, and just share the evening. I had hoped she would remember it, I didn’t have much money, but what i had went to our relationship and her smile. It’s all that mattered.
Easter came and it snowed, I’d do everything down there. From work on my car to work with the guys at ARA my place was just getting empty and quiet. I never wanted to be home anymore, was just to much to do. Being with her felt good. It was the first time Vincent and who I was inside could co-exist at the same time. She said she wanted Vincent, she wanted he was, so did Lilly. I obliged and once again, turned him loose. It was on the barter of every now and again, I could come out and play too. One of my most vivid that year was the snow however. It was rare to happen in Texas for that time of year, kind of a fluke actually. Watching her kids play in the snow, her mom taking pictures, me and her holding each other in the cold. I never felt so happy. I knew this was where I belonged. They even made a snowman of me, I just never felt anything like any of this before. It was one of those moments where all was just wiped away, and all that was left was the new and improved family I acquired.
I moved out of the apartment, cleaned up the rest of the place and got all the excess junk out of there. Had her mother come by and pick up all the extra garbage and take it to storage. They had a semi trailer on the ranch property. It was around this time I got the internet turned on to her place, and I met the grandparents. There were 2 things said and done that never left my mind. The first was saying Gary, the worst thing you could have ever done was get that girl internet access. Her mother said it and her grandmother nodded. I kind of shrugged it off, I mean the net never killed anyone to my knowledge. Stuck in that house alone all the time I thought it be good for her. The second was the
grandfather riding her to the store and I went along. I waited in the van and he started talking to me. He asked if I was serious with his granddaughter and I said yes sir i am. He said, you know she has a lot of problems, I said yes sir I know and I think i can help. He then said well she is also a hypochondriac and a pathological liar. At this point I just agreed and wrote it off. I just didn’t feel she was lying to me. It all just felt too right. Maybe he just old and grumpy I don’t know, i was not aware of everything at that point. I just went on blindly with what I had.
Next, let me talk about roaches. I fucking HATE roaches. I swore to Christ and everything holy since Jefferson ave I would never live in a fucking house with roaches again. Well one more thing I would concede to her, again, she was worth it to me. It wasn’t just her though, it was those kids. I really felt like they needed some kind of guidance. Mother seemed way to sick all the time to keep up how it was. So I made friends with a guy down the hill who was an exterminator and I looked for the stuff he recommended and I nailed the fuck out of that house. I started in the girls room and just nuked that house with bait gel like you ain’t never seen. It started to work, and oddly enough the guy had a chicken coop and he used to send us up extra eggs. I did some electrical for him and we got along in sort of a barter. So that at least made me feel better, Cleaned out her drains and solved a few plumbing issues, fixed her ceiling fan and some electrical. I also worked on my car out there a lot. It flooded out with a rainstorm and I also busted my windshield trying to fix the gas struts on the hood, real nice, I swore I was never fixing my own car again.
About this time Kambrea started poking around again. Her and Jordan were having problems at first, then she was wanting things to go back to the way they were. She missed me. I couldn’t go back to her in the way we were, I was in love bad and deep but I felt as her sire i had a responsibility to continue to look after her. Breaking the news to Tammy did not go over well, but she tried to tolerate it as best she could at first. Kam would call whenever I would drop what I was doing whenever. Again, the obligation. Kam did a ridiculous amount of shit for me when we were active together, I was torn between what I loved and what i owed. I was strong without her, but with Kam I was stronger. All the shit going down was wearing on me, even despite our evenings. The shit i was carrying was unlike any weight I ever held before. Tammy was also beginning to buckle.
She said between the divorce and her mother it was all just to much to handle for her, including adding in the house situation. She was becoming more angry, more volatile, more unstable. I mentioned maybe she needs to talk to somebody professional, she said she was and was also supposed to be on medication but it made her feel like a zombie. I could definitely relate to that, so I took on more weight and in turn needed to draw more places to recharge my batteries. Kam was always a viable source for a lot of years, so I split the difference. I also had Lindsey calling me from time to time, but she was useless at that point. Tara was helpful, but she had her own issues. I had to drop ballast. I yanked everyone out of my life that was taking and not giving, and I also returned to everquest.
I was having serious problems with my job, ARA was turning out to be a real shit job working with the lampasas crew. I liked Andrew, I hated the rest of them fuckers and they really didn’t like me much. Andrew kept me protected best he could, just showed up for work but it was getting to be a pain in my ass. Just doing track housing the rest of my life I wasn’t going to learn shit. The real money was in commercial. I was on the hook for the car loan so I asked my old friend/ FWB partner for a short time for a loan to get the fuck out of there. She loaned me the money I paid off the car and swapped to R.K. Bass electric. Better money, more solid hours and overtime. Even got health insurance so i could get back on insulin. Something I desperately needed if I was going to stay alive for a while. I had a new lease on life and the will to live it with these people. With my woman, I felt like I could do so much more. We were crazy about each other, in more ways than one. All I wanted to do is come home to her as fast as I could every day. The new job steadied my hours and helped quite a bit.
Tammy also needed an eye operation to keep herself from going blind, after it was done I stayed home for a week or so and looked after her until she was better.
Also kept up with the house did the meals etc.. best I could anyway. I can cook ok, but I am no means a gourmet chef. At the time though, I could out cook her ass no problem. She cooked Irish, basically boiling everything until you could drink it with a straw. Dinner done. Poor thing, bless her heart. It would lie a rolling joke for many years.
I just kept feeling for once I was doing something right. I was out in the world again, and just as far as I wanted to be. She didn’t drive so I took her and the kids everywhere, shopping doctor’s appointments and I had no problems carrying them around. I started to enjoy the company. It was always work, what can do for her, and then what I could do to her. Which was anything I wanted. She was extremely receptive, eager, imaginative, and Vincent had a fucking ball. I don’t think I was ever so aggressive or so passionate, all at the same time. The rest was Everquest, facebook and Kam calling from time to time. The frustration and jealousy with Kam was growing, she knew I sired her, she knew where I held her in my life, and she didn’t think she deserved it. Thing was I knew Kam and saw her deeds a hell of a lot longer than Tammy, and again, I owed her. That was the logic. She carried em to a point, I wouldn’t be here with Tammy without her.
Spring was coming unusually hot that year, and we had some neighbors with a pool that had a very rough marital split. The wife was left to tend the house by herself and I mentioned to her while she was outside how her lawn was getting high as shit and she said she had nobody to mow it. I said you let my kids swim in your pool and I got no problems keeping it mowed. She agreed so down I went
and man what a fn lawn. Riddled with rock all on a hill, what a pain in the ass.
She didn’t even come out with a glass of water. Oh well, I kept going. I saw Tammy’s boys peeking in every now and again, they never said anything they just run back up to the house. Tammy came down and had that angry look in her eye,
I just didn’t understand. I remember her coughing and spitting up on the mower and going back to the house. When I finally came home she walked up to me with this wild eyed look and slapped me dead in the face, hard. Was quite a shock. I wanted to punch her in the fucking face but I held it back, I just said that’s the last time you lay a hand on me like that. I began to pack up my shit. She begged me to stay, I mean begged. She thought I was fucking the bitch. I mean god again? I told her at that point if she’s just going to accuse me of fucking every twat in texas I might as well have the pussy with the guilt too.
I forgave her one last time, I would not take a third strike. In my mind I didn’t know what to do, I could tell she loved me, I believed her. I believed that but how do you just physically hit someone who was not only seriously abused but who you loved. She never hit her kids. Anybody I knew of, just me. I credited to the divorce stress, she was losing the house. Where would they go that kind of thing. Lot of pressure. I had my difficulties too, just in different ways I guessed. I was not the easiest guy to know, but she was the closest to me, closer than anyone was ever willing to go. So I stayed. She did try to make it all up, I know she did. I just couldn’t figure it all out. It seemed like she just knew every weak spot I had and right where to hurt me the worst. But she also knew right where to soothe me, and love me the most. She was so walled up, so many secrets, so much damage. Slowly as they were coming down, I was getting the collateral damage. I thought she was fighting through it without pills or trying to, but she was just giving in I think at this point.
The 3rd strike was matt’s birthday, she ordered a cake from the store and asked if I could take her to go get it, I was wrapped up on the pc and I said I’ll take you soon as I’m done here. Well apparently that wasn’t good enough for her so she started out the door walking. It was a long assed walk. Made no sense it melt by the time she came home with it. I drove up to catch up to her, asked her to get in the car. She ignored me and I pulled over. I begged her to get in the car and she just ignored me and kept walking. I grabbed her arm to stop her and I heard the police siren.
The cop got out and asked what was going on and I explained the
story. He talked to her and came back to me and asked where she got the cuts on
her arms. I said your going to have to ask her about that, it’s her business. I
knew what they were, she was cutting, just like I did when I was a kid. I
figured it to be a stress phase, and I had way to much already to start
cracking into her psyche. The cop got mad and arrested me and threw me in the
car a bit rough. First time since i was 13 I was in handcuffs again. I was so
mad. Just here, trying to help and I’m fucking arrested. She crying to the
officer I don’t even know what she was saying but he
ended up letting me go. We got the fucking cake. She ends up laying in her bed and I try to talk to her. I tell her all of this has to stop or your going to end up killing a part of me you will not be able to get back.
That part was me, my stepfather did it, and I was worried this might happen again. I would have to go away and all that would be left would be Vincent. Although she would not have a problem with it, I would. I didn’t want that kind of relationship again. No way I wanted to hide in my own house again. Hide from my own partner. Hide in fear of her actions and reactions. But maybe this was to be as well, I was never good enough for anyone, why would I be good enough for her? It had to be hidden, it had to be hidden deeper than anything I ever could hide. Until I could quell the violence and madness in her, it’s all i could do. She did not respond to me, not one word. So it was just done. Just like that. I would not abandon these people, I just needed to buy the time to restore her.
I let go of my spiritual practices, for there was no bond. I removed the emotional bond, I was taking to much damage. I stressed on the mental and the physical at this point. The relationship started to become of tally of checks and balances. When she fucked up, she did what needed to be done to appease Vincent and make it even. The more damage was done, the more she did to counter balance it. My forgiveness became short, I though I let things go. I did not. It just began to stack up to broken promise after broken lie. It started to become phony. Nothing she could do at night could ever offset the damage done during the day. She was verbal, I became verbal back. I would strike harder, hurt deeper and make her understand that kind of behavior produces worse behavior. It never clicked. She would just get worse and i began to get worse as well.
My birthday was held at the neighbor Ellis’s house. It was fun and I met a bunch of people I never knew, my job foreman Dave showed up, he was srinking like a fish and acting like an asshole. After a couple of hours he asked me to go with him to an after party and I kind of felt like a dick ditching my own party but I took Tammy and kaitlynn. I figured it wasn’t a good idea to piss off my boss. Well turns out he takes us into town to some speed freaks house where he starts shooting up dope. I am like holy fucking shit this is my dad all over again. Soon as I could make the break, we got the fuck out of there. Turns out Dave was sposed to be clean and used my party as an excuse to run over there under his old lady’s nose, what a piece of shit. We moved out of that trailer soon after, it was being foreclosed by Donald and there was just no way I could take on what was owed for it. He pulled out a few loans against it. The bills were outrageous in back money and it was all in his name, let him keep it.