Age 33- Deep in thought I forgive everyone.

This was a year of destruction.

The first was my job with leamy, which I couldn’t do anymore. The tension between the shit jobs, shoddy work, and cocaine addicted co workers was just too much to fucking stand with this dead end piece of shit job. I quit and picked up some work a mylestone electric. Met quite a few decent people out here, Crazy Pete, Felix, even the boss myles was a good dude. We worked a retrofit for the parking garage at ikea in conshohocken. Taking out the old light and putting in more energy efficient ones. They hired me on permanent and I just kept rolling. Mostly residential, some decent work on solar. He was running out of jobs however, and the work was thinning, but I still had enough to pay the bills and of course had enough to pay for what raw didn’t cover. She only had welfare and 6oo a month from kai (Donald actually paid fucking child support). Her 3 boys were left back in Texas but we gave them the tax money so that and their welfare was enough. I didn’t care really, I could cover them 2 up here, Never had the tax return with kids before why the fuck would I care now.

Around this time, my mother sold the house on berks street in Boyertown. The one me and Noelle lived at. She was renting it out and just got tired of keeping up with the tenants trashing the place, so she evicted the ones there and sold the home. I received a check for 1,000.00 out of it. Well I certainly could have blew the money on the woman but this was the first time I had opportunity to do something else with it. I wanted to continue the apprentice education I received from RK BASS, and I wanted the best course in the country. It was exactly a thousand dollars and it came from an instructor named Mike Holt. It just seemed right to do. So I bought it and began to study. It was so boring and a lot of it I didn’t understand. But I did try, and managed to at least get through the basic

electrical theory course. I learned quite a bit

The next was the beginning of the end of my personal guild in everquest. We were a group style family guild and everyone wanted to step up to a raid guild. There also arose a situation with one of the female players and raw. Partially my fault, we had a couple named Natalie and Dave come in the guild, Me and Dave got along well, me and Nat got along too. Well one night were all grouping with Jake as we did many, many of times. Me and nat were flirting around and I figured she’s pretty safe I mean her and Dave were together quite a while and I knew she knew I was with raw. But we’re bragging sex lives basically and she mentioned an event in Vegas I was familiar with, it was a swinger event. So I was like hey we swing too and it was just a weird funny moment but I got to thinking this couple has been so cool with me for so long why not bring it up to raw.

She for some reason and I still will never understand why did not take to it at all. She hated nat really fast, and the tension eventually became unbearable. The last few members that didn’t want to raid got into other group guilds and the rest bumped up to the big leagues. From there me and Jake moved to triton, which became the toughest guild on the server after the quellious rodcet server merge and we began raiding underfoot, one of the toughest expansions EQ ever did. It was fun sometimes, but for the most part it was pretty fucking boring. I had more fun farming the shit I needed to make my own gear. So my guild was plowed under, I was fine with that. After we lost Jeannie and with all the drama from raw and nat it just wasn’t ever the same. I really started to hate fucking playing but at least the space in triton gave me some time away from raw and her bullshit jealousy. Never in my life would I have ever given up all I had at this point for any split ass, things were just to good.

Next came the radio show. I was kind of getting sick of it, I think me and Justin both were. It just wasn’t fun anymore, it started to seem like just another job. So we agreed to bow out before we sucked. But according to Justin, raw was stirring up more drama than a hornets’ nest between the fans and the dj’s at the station. I firmly believe she was having an online affair with tony the misfit up till he died but I never bothered to prove it. However also unknown to me she was passing out pics and videos apparently to one of the crazier male fans. He posted a video of me and raw having sex on the station website and that was all I needed to know really. She said she was sorry and sent it by accident but who cares what the story was. She was obviously talking dirty online to someone behind my back and because he didn’t get what he wanted off of her he burned her. From what I understand the whole station caved in within 6 months after that. Justin still holds her majorly responsible for that. Me I had my own problems, and again.

The net life she hid just was not my life with her. If she needed that outlet I was willing to look the other way. I had my own games too, I flirted a lot. But I was way more open about it. The lies she told and the bullshit she spewed started to get difficult to handle. It was just harder to tell when she was being straight with me, or to me.

But every night we were together, she convinced me we belonged together. I needed to care for her, she could make me happy. She would be there for me, be there when it counts. I just had to handle the rest. Whenever I wanted something, she was there to provide it. However there was something else I noticed. I couldn’t talk to her about me hurting, in pain inside, I couldn’t share feelings or emotion with her. Her initial reaction to anything was it was all her fault or she would tell a situation in her life that was way worse than mine. She failed to be nurturing. So I had to stay strong, I began to confide my insides and my impasses to other people. Anyone that could understand and support me emotionally. She had this issue where she could provide no comfort. She never even knew when to hold someone when they hurt. The most she could ever do was say she was sorry. It was always cold with her in that respect. So again, I had to employ people to balance that. The parts of me she could not handle or did not want,I outsourced to friends, ex girlfriends, anyone with an ear really.

It didn’t seem all that wrong, she blew up on her friends about me all the time. She would try to say she didn’t but a lot of her so called friends would have no issue running their mouths back to me about what she was saying. I used to just blow it off and say she was just blowing off some steam. But the addition to this in our life was linked to something deeper. Much deeper.

I started to notice however all of my people in my life, all the things I did outside of directly involving our relationship were beginning to crumble. They were crumbling whenever raw got involved. Maybe intentional, maybe not. In it all though it still just didn’t compare to what I had and all we were sharing together. I cut the losses, it really wasn’t all that bad. But my close friends were starting to warn me what kind of person she was behind my back and what she whispered about me behind closed doors. I was her provider, her Dom, her protector, her lover. God I loved her. But the knives in my back were getting so much I was running out of space.

The next to implode was myles, he ran out of work and I was having trouble paying raw’s end of the rent. Even my grandmother was getting pissy because I couldn’t find steady work. The economy just was not there. As raw put her trust in me to take care of her and her daughter while I was up there, I needed to fulfill that shit. They would not be left twisting in the wind, no matter what it took. For better or worse this was my oath. I was determined from the moment of my choice that night between her and Kam this is who I wanted to be with, this is who my life was going to end with. I had to find a way.