Age 34- The hearts filthy lesson

It’s funny how when thing go downhill a little people in my life always seem to know when to creep in to throw in a little extra doubt. Around this time I received a package. It was from Kam. She didn’t at this time have my address, my phone number, or my email. I had her blocked on my social media so how she got to me was a bit of a mystery, but then again not really. She was taught well. She sent me her entire high school record. Along with it was a letter that she gifted me this because she felt I was the one who carried her through it. She also left a number to contact her and I did. We caught up a little, turned out she was working for a collection agency and stole my address from my cell phone bill. Resourceful woman. I told her me and raw were doing well, she said she had a man to at that point and they were doing well. But it was all surface mainly. She said I could contact her anytime, I didn’t bother. Been down that road. There just wasn’t anything left. Maybe with her, but she had her time with me, she could never be what she was. She was too determined to be her own. Best of luck to her.

My parents offered to give me a job down at Kodak polychrome in ellerslie Georgia. Back to Georgia eh? It was industrial electrical, and a great opportunity to learn some new things. I asked if raw could go, they said she could not because we were not married and it would go against their religious beliefs. This point in retrospect was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, I should have married her.

It just didn’t cross my mind. I loved our lifestyle, I loved the way we lived. I loved who we were. She just never really trusted me, not from day l. Although I gave her reason to later she never gave me one reason to trust her. She broke every promise she ever made. The only 2 I ever really believed through the depths of my soul is she loved me and she belonged to me. Maybe I wasn’t really ready, it would be the first time I ever was. But when this question and problem arose, I was wrestling with it for a very long time.

So my choice was to wait it out and hope for work or go down to Georgia and make some money until I could go back. At this point my grandmother said go down to Georgia, get work. Bruce and I will be fine, we always were. I told her, I said one day you people are really going to need me, and if I go I am not sure I will be able to go back if you do. There was a good chance raw would come down to Georgia with me if I got a place of my own. But that was the deciding factor. They didn’t seem to want me there anymore, and i wasn’t staying anywhere I was not wanted. So my electrical course was put on hold and off I went

Georgia was about what i expected, the home life with the parents was a little bitter sweet. I missed my sub, I missed home. But I had a job to do, and that was bank as much cash as I could. Boy I fucking did. I worked every hour they gave. The tax return was amazingly fat. Almost 3 grand. I didn’t claim any of the

children, this was just me overpaying out of my checks and working an incredible amount of hours in 2010. The wife and I still had our everquest routine and of course our personal time. I decided to spend the money on some clothing for both of us. Also some lingerie, fetish outfits, we went shopping online for all kinds of stuff, from steam-punk to latex, especially toys. I have an amazing fetish for latex and corsets, so believe me my sub had plenty. She seemed to love the dress up, the shows, just keeping me happy. I was. We really could love each other well from a distance. We alwrays could.

So enter Kodak, what a great job. I learned so much industrial and had a lot of great application from residential and commercial I brought with me. The crew however, I did not care for. I usually had to fake it to get along with them, bunch of lazy clock riding assholes. But I find the bigger the outfit, the bigger the jobs, the easier it was to fuck off and hide. A lot of nooks and crannies in that place to disappear in. But all in all I was there to work, so work I did. There was an employee we got later, his name was Jermaine. I really liked him, I think the crew stuck him with me because he was our first black guy, so stick him with the Yankee I guess. Something was about him though, I really sensed he had a good heart. So we’d talk quite a bit about all kinds of things. Our ladies, our parents, our kids, our lives.

Bear in mind up until this time I never got personal with a full black woman or man since I was a kid. Remember once I hit junior high colors just clicked up and I spent a lot of time getting jumped by the groups of black guys in the neighborhood. Even my dad’s girl Jill, her son josh, I never really bothered with. You can call it a racism if you like but black people never seemed to like me, so I never liked them I guess. I could work with anybody, but this was the first time I was developing a working friendship with a black guy. Justin was my best friend and brother but he wasn’t full black, and he never acted like he was any kind of black. I just never saw Justin as anyone but my best friend.

Time passes, a few months and were sitting in the same Chinese place we always do, having a little chat. I don’t really know but I am usually one of the people that just come out with some weird shit from time to time so I just asked him, I said hey Jermaine? he goes what up? I said I gotta ask you something man, what is with black guys? Why are they so pissed off at white people? Why do we always gotta be the racists and always hated on? I mean the shits over right? What the fuck is the deal? He kind of put his head in his hands and shook his head, laughed a little. I said naw man seriously, you’re a good guy, we talk I would call us friends what the fuck right? He said, when you look at me , what do you see? I thought about it and well, you watch the news and black people in general there black, they say their black their happier to be black and their happier making fun of white people. Were all individuals and kind of proud of it. Were Italian, Irish, whatever. So I said, well I see a black man. He looked up and said, why don’t you

Just when you think you have life all figured out, you grow a little. From then on on I just saw people. This little seed would grow a tree that just stayed with me to this day. He was quite a man, I will never forget him.

Kodak became real comfortable, catering was in like 4 out of 5 days of the week, we ended up working 4 10 hour days instead of 5 8’s, the gods on high couldn’t be more pleased with my work and shit was really coming together. Most of my checks were spent on the wife and all her little extra’s for our sexual tastes to keep the relationship fun. She had all she needed but me, it must have been lonely up there despite her and being with her daughter. I tried my best to spend as much time as I could, but man I missed her bad. Still it was a selfish desire, I was there for the greater good. Something would happen, it always does.

It did. Kodak decided on a giant line expansion and our company got the contract. This meant more work, and more employees. We ended up acquiring a couple of people from the old company i worked for years ago, Sun belt. Turns out it went under. Shame to, it was a great place to work. Sun belt even had Kodak before conaway did. Once their main man retired, they lost the contract. The guy that they replaced in was a drunk. So conaway stole it out. I’m sure it hit hard.

My brother Joe when he was out there worked Kodak for a good long while, and jim my stepfather was an engineer and extremely well liked. Once the word got around to the employees I was the golden boy. Even the office staff knew me and made it a point to say hi. Even my foreman made it a point when Jim had a job to have me on the crew. I was juiced in tough. When we got the new employee’s however, it sparked some jealousy. Particularly with jon van patton. He though he was an electrical rock star and he was good don’t get me wrong, but he was also in charge of the outside line. This power went to this guys fucking head like you wouldn’t believe. But hey, I soldiered on. I was there to make money, fuck all of those fucking rednecks. But the foreman had us doing shit that was getting to be not safe, the summer heat was unbearable.

He was making us steal and beg and borrow supplies and equipment from the plant, other companies, anybody, then he would bill Kodak for all the stuff he made us steal like we rented it. I was starting to feel like a pirate again.

One of the more interesting and wonderful things going on was my parents and their work with the homeless. This was the most amazing thing I ever saw them do. They had a small church and the congregation was ministered to and fed.

They even married a couple and bought them rings. There were a lot of homeless in Columbus, even my old friend mike Thompson I knew from years ago. By the time I got there, he was gone however, my parents looked after him for a while, I

was grateful. People would ask me from time to time, and if it was a meal i bought it, but I never gave them any money. I can’t deny a human being a meal, it just isn’t in me. I see my father in all of them. Had one guy at a burger king ask me for 10 dollars for a meal, I invited him to come in and have lunch with me. He did.

You hear all the usual panhandle stories, but after a while he could tell I was something different. I was a man buying another man lunch. That’s all. I didn’t see a homeless black man, I saw a man. A man in need. Even though my practice was still of Austin Spare, my former religion still had remnants in my heart. Mainly the parables of Jesus Christ. One of his last sermons to the Israelite people told the tale of the sheep and the goats.

f “But when I, the Messiah,w shall come in my glory, and all the angels with me, then I shall sit upon my throne of glory. =» And all the nations shall be gathered before me. And I will separate the peoples as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, « and place the sheep at my right hand, and the goats at my left.

34 “Then I, the King, shall say to those at my right, ‘Come, blessed of my Father, into the Kingdom prepared for you from the founding of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you fed me; I was thirsty and you gave me water; I was a stranger and you invited me into your homes^naked and you clothed me; sick and in prison, and you visited me.’

37“Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Sir, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you anything to drink? 38 Or a stranger, and help you? Or naked, and clothe you? 3? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?’

4° “And I, the King, will tell them, ‘When you did it to these my brothers, you were doing it to me!’ -‘Then I wall turn to those on my left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons. 4=-For I was hungry and you wouldn’t feed me; thirsty, and you wouldn’t give me anything to drink; 43 a stranger, and you refused me hospitality; naked, and you wouldn’t clothe me; sick, and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’

  • “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’
  • “And I will answer, ‘When you refused to help the least of these my brothers, you were refusing help to me.’
  • “And they shall go away into eternal punishment; but the righteous into everlasting life.”

It never to me was just about being righteous, I just imagined that if everyone in this world followed the same ideology the world would truly be an amazing place. I also had an opportunity to feed a man in a golden corral, he took a to go box filled it and took it home as well. He didn’t want to sit with me because he said he smelled bad, I could understand but that wasn’t my judgment. But I could relate

to that. I myself had a separation from the regular society. As a psy and a practitioner of chaotic I would typically call these people bugs and move on. But, my parents good deeds were influencing my beliefs somewhat. Maybe they were trying to drag out the good in me. I don’t know if it always was, but I would like to think so.

I have a couple thousand in the bank now, and I am flying to do well. All is whole except one giant missing piece, My submissives’ touch. I hardly was ever lonely, I just missed waking up to her once in a while. Every loving man longs for their partner, If you love her you have to I think. But I felt like a provider, I felt like I was working hard to give her all of the things she let go of and sacrificed to her children. I used to buy Xmas presents and make her put her name on them so the kids could feel like mom was getting them. I made sure she even had a little cash on her for anything, I just wanted her to feel pretty, loved and well cared for. Spoiled if you will. With all we done and all she was doing and as loyal as she was to me above anything she was or did, I began to feel like she really did belong to me. I for the first time in my life was finally feeling secure. Maybe it is true, maybe the right woman just doesn’t leave, no matter what she is. She truly became bonded to my soul through her obedience and her submission to me. She was defiantly my partner in crime, my bonnie, my dream girl. Vincent loved her with all the madness in his soul, and I wanted to do nothing but care for her. Even her illnesses were improving, she wasn’t sick for a very long time. Everything just seemed to be working. Then as always, life had its way.

January drops. I get a phone call from raw’s mother in the evening. Mind you this I think was the first time she called me in the entire relationship. She always favored Donald. Only reason I think in retrospect was the money he was cranking to her while he was married to raw, raw claims they were fucking. God if he was what a piece of dog shit. Not to mention her mother is absolutely disgusting. Neither here nor there, I get the call and she’s crying. She’s telling me Matthew got molested by someone. She doesn’t know how to tell Raw, so I get the feeling she wants me to be the bearer of bad news here.

The story, and the full story I was not told of course at this time but I will fill it in in full here but mind you all I really knew is what happened to him and it was some guy that was babysitting Matthew. Apparently the calls from the boys to raw were getting smaller and less frequent, and they were also being monitored. The boys were not to speak of their neglect, and how Raw’s mother would basically dump them anywhere so they didn’t have to watch them. Of course they didn’t mind taking the tax money for them however. Well from what I gather raw’s mother had a friend or billiard buddy or according to her some kind of native war chief something or other named Pete who went around with the name raven. He would over the years be a heavy role model to the boys, mostly a scumbag. But he’d take the kids and when he was sick of them he dump them somewhere, anywhere he could. So he chose a guy that lived in the park and was

his military buddy from way back.

Well this military buddy turned out to be a child molester, and when he put the moves on Joe he was smart enough to not go back. Matt however was not, this guy from what I was told said to matt if matt let him perform oral sex on him, he would give him money so he could go to PA and see his mom. Jesus if they wanted to go up that fucking bad I had the money, Just say something. They could have went one at a time or all 3 at once. They could have made it work. I could have sent Tammy home way earlier, sent her for visits, I just don’t get why none of this was told to me. So here I am, family crisis. Time to play hero.

When something like this happens, rational and conservative thought for me goes out the fucking window. The 2 most basic instincts of a human being are fight and flight in a crisis mode. This was defiantly time to fight. Every plan I had was wiped off the slate, all the bullshit about PA was gone, it was time to do what had to be done, and fast. They needed their mother. Due to kai still being in school I had to wait until June and emptied my account into cash, had her pack everything she could that would fill up an SUV and just give away the rest. I rented one and drove to PA. We loaded it up and I came back to Georgia with her. We spent the last of the money she saved on her food stamp card for food for the homeless because she couldn’t spend it in Texas they didn’t accept it. I unloaded all she had into storage sheds in the backyard in weatherproof containers.

The time I spent with her now was like a dream. I missed her so very much, her and kai. It was a time to recharge, and prepare for what was to come. I bought them both plane tickets and gave them the last of the money I had for raw to use however was needed for them. For all I knew it could have been bus tickets back to Georgia at that point. I stored the shit in ellerslie because again, Maybe they’d be here or maybe I’d be going there, but at the time I was more for staying out of Texas. I know what the fuck was in store in that area. Major flashbacks of when we first met. She was better off out of that fucking place. So were we.

The money apparently went right to her mother to save her mothers’ car from being repossessed. I didn’t even get a thanks from that bitch, or a repayment of it. Almost a grand. But whatever, least she was reunited with her kids again and I was broke. Back to work.

I informed her of her duties going out there, Help and support Matthew, find out what the fucks been going on with the rest of the boys, and help the house in every way possible. I had her do a schedule, even told her how to dress. She wasn’t to be a lump of shit out there, she was going to be everything I trained her to be in PA. Her daily reports to me showed a lot of promise, and it made me so proud of her. Until I got the phone call from karen again. Apparently all she was doing since she arrived was stay hiding in her room on her cell phone all day with

all of her kids. She never did a thing, she was lying to me. It really crushed me. It made me think she was the same way in PA. It was all just smoke and mirrors,

she was about as domestic as a pile of rocks.

Now bare in mind she never had a job with me, never worked never had to. When i didn’t work I kept the house. I imagine that would be a mother’s job. Keeping a place clean, sanitary, germ free, bug free, clothes washed and meals cooked. Apparently raw never minded living in an absolute shit mess. Neither did the rest of the family but I didn’t find that out till later either. So here she was flopped on her bed all day, fighting with her mother, causing more problems than solutions, and lying to me. Matthew was receiving no doctor’s no help professionally, no counseling whatsoever. He was seeing raven, the guy that allowed this bullshit in the first place. Mr. war chief guy. This was not going well. At this point I just gave up on the 24/7 D/s aspect of the relationship. I couldn’t hold her to it, it would just be more lies. So out of presence I was a chump, a pushover. It was all an act to her. Whatever it took to keep me around for whatever the reason was. Heartbreaking to think your this special to receive something like this and it’s just not real unless your right there cracking the whip.

Well to get her out her room I was like, man don’t they have a pool in the backyard? Well they did, with a shot pump motor. So I dropped 300 on a new motor and had my friend ilona go change it out, she was now working for another company and quit RK bass at that point. Actually now that I think about she got fired for smoking weed on the job, and having sex with joe garza in customers houses lol. what a crazy bitch, but she was a good friend to me. So maybe with the pool functional again things would look up. I even bought her a new bikini.

125.00 from Heavy red, great store. I used to shop for most of raw’s clothes there.

My mother officially met raw for the first time in ellerslie on that June, and hated her. She said she was not good enough for me, and would be nothing but trouble and misery for me. I didn’t listen, but that didn’t stop my mother from trying to find a woman I would go for other than Raw. The first was a gal from Alabama, she showed up for dinner one night and the rest of the evening was what do you think of her, she such a godly woman blah blah blah. I said mom for a godly woman why she trying to get me to go to her place while she’s in between boyfriends knowing I got a woman? So that was shit. Thank God I never saw her again.

Another pivotal moment in my life was about to unfold. My life at previous companies did not train me to well on safety, I never got hurt at all, never even got shocked. So I got real comfortable around electricity. In fact a little too comfortable I guess. Kodak was drying up, they had a line catch on fire and they didn’t bother repairing it. It was their 35mm film line. They also

declared bankruptcy and stopped all contracted work. I wanted out of there due to the bullshit with the co workers, even with all of Kodak loving me I just wanted to work, I didn’t want the fucking drama. So without a real understanding from my foreman or Jim, I requested a transfer to pratt whitney. This place was really awesome, and Jermaine was out there too. The Foreman was a real good guy I thought, and the drama was nill. We all worked, and that’s all we did. But then the work started to slow down, people were getting laid off and it was down to me , Jermaine, and my helper.

I was showing up for work one day as usual, but there was no work. The foreman managed to get a job through the last minute but it just was not a good job to do. They wanted to add some more 277V fluorescent lighting to the area the accountants were collecting their millions. The problem was I couldn’t shut the lights off. I had to jump the lights out live. Normally this is a giant no no but it was either this job or go home. I thought of my check, I thought of my job. Up to that point I wasn’t to pussy to do anything. Big mistake. I was on the second to last light, my gloves were soaked with sweat, well I was pulling the connector off and re-stripping the wires and the stripped wire the insulation was stuck on it. I tried to pull it off hard and my hand made contact with the strippers. 277 volts shot through my hand, traveled up my arm and out of my chest on to the metal ceiling grid.

I started to jolt around, jerk uncontrollably, I finally realized what was happening, I was getting shocked, and It was the worst kind, it wasn’t letting go of me. Jesus I was going to die. It felt like an eternity, it really did. My body was frying, but my mind was almost clear, like a dream. My whole life was going through my mind, everything. I saw it all it seemed. I said in my mind God forgive me, and as it all was coming to an end, I saw raw. I saw all we went through, all we done, all I felt for her, Every smile, every wonderful moment we had, and how much I loved her. After it stopped and mind you I was still frying on this line and this all went down in maybe a minute or 2? maybe less I don’t exactly know but it felt like hours. I felt an unbelievable peace with everything I done, not one regret except I should have married her. We were together for so long, I didn’t want to grow old with anyone else, I never wanted to love another, She was the one, the only one that gave me a purpose, a reason to live, a reason to be here on this earth. Now it was all to be over. I should have fucking married her.

I can remember not seeing the inside of my head anymore, I saw the crawlspace of the ceiling, I saw my body again, I saw the sparks, I heard my helper screaming. I started to try to speak and sound was coming out, not words but sound. I started to scream, scream as loud as I could, I screamed with my last breath everything I had. I screamed in defiance, i screamed in my will, I screamed in hope, I screamed for my woman, my future, my family. This was not my fucking time, this was not going to be my fucking end. Finally, the breaker tripped. I fell to the floor from a 12 foot ladder, crashing through a table and a

pile of boxes full of papers.

I was out for 5 or 10 minutes, I came to feeling really numb, I couldn’t remember anything at first, it was like a dream. I tried standing up right away and was telling everyone I was fine. My helper was shitting his pants. There was only one guy left in the office and he was keeping his mouth shut. Had a guy come over form the other office said he heard screaming I said no everything’s ok, I didn’t hear anything, and tried my best to cover it all up and bury the incident. Finished the lights and turned the breaker back on. The occupancy sensor had fried, so I had to by-pass it. We threw away the broken table and went home. Understand something, this was a blatant violation of company safety protocol, and the plants safety protocol. The whole company could have been thrown out for it. The contract would be lost, and conaway would stand to lose a lot of money, this was just not good all around. I convinced my helper to keep it quiet and went home.

I didn’t eat very much at dinner, I had this sinking feeling something would spill on this. I told my parents something terrible happened today, and I have a feeling I might get fired on it. They said well we all make mistakes, and as long as you learned from it we’ll support you. I certainly did, and I never violated company safety, osha protocol, arc flash protocol, or NEC standards ever again. The next day was a quiet truck ride into the plant, and I was the last one in the truck. I knew what was going to happen before I even got out to go to the connex.

My helper spilled the beans to the foreman, foreman called the supervisor, supervisor called the owner. I was fired. I was there to give a piss test, sign the paperwork and tell my side of the story. I took the fall for everything, lied about how the job was set up, lied about disregarding the orders to shut off the breaker, lied about how I got shocked, lied all the way down. I wasn’t going to burn the crew, they had families. Fortunately pratt never heard of the incident, so the company still had its place. The foreman drove me out and said man, I can’t believe you did all that for everybody. I said it’s just who i am. He said if you ever need a job reference tell them to call me. I asked to stop as we were passing Jermaine, I shook his hand and said goodbye, keep in touch and all that. That was it.

I drove home and laid down on my bed. I wanted to be with my raw, I could get another job anywhere. I wanted us to be together again, I didn’t care how. I had enough of the distance. I had enough of the parents going crazy with all the Jesus shit. Even my brother wasn’t helping, He showed up all kinds of weird and started cleansing the house and everyone and I mean everyone was just acting nuts. Chanting and whooping and hollering like rabid injuns or something. It was telling me it was time for my ass to go.

My mother’s second final and desperate attempt was Laura. Now Laura was a

virgin, she was very pretty, she had a good job, was very well maintained. Totally not my type. I could tell this bitch was selling her box for a shit ton of money, and I didn’t even come close to having enough. Even if I did, just no fucking way. She had no idea who I was, what i believed in, what I practiced. There was no possible way I could befriend this girl let alone bond to her, she just had nothing I wanted. But lo and behold look who gets picked up to go along for my birthday outing this evening? Laura. We didn’t even sit next to each other, I mean we were both nice but I made sure she was dropped off before we all went back to the house. Made it pretty clear she was not invited, my mind was made up. Raw was going to be my wife.

It would be the only way I could keep her straight, guided, and grounded. Out of my presence she was a mess. The family obviously had no fucking clue or cared about Matthew or what to do with him either. That whole house was a fucking mess in every way. It was time to claim my family, and take the role as head of the household, and get these people out of the muck they were sinking in. I had no intentions of ever leaving her, and despite all the bullshit I knew she was never going to leave me, it’s all she ever told me. She didn’t want anybody else, she wanted me. She fought hard to get me, and she fought like hell to keep me. That was good enough for me, hell I thought it be good enough for anybody. I believed through it all in her own best way, she really loved me. With the security of the marriage I thought the final piece of the puzzle would be pushed in to place.

Trust. Knowing that by giving her the last pure thing I had, she would no longer be worried about me cheating, or running off, or throwing her away. I would restore our dynamic, I would care for her in every way I could, and she would take care of her house, raise her children, and get well again. It was all that was missing. I truly believed that.