Age 36- When you find yourself weaker, get stronger or get crushed.

Matt was out of the pavilion, but he wasn’t getting any better. I tried yet again to give him some space and privacy in that crowded place were stuck in. I used to let go out to my van with an extension cord and use a tablet and a lamp but again even with the counselors and the medications he couldn’t stop perving on little girls. He was getting older to, a little too old. He was also stealing, and doing his usual lying and defiance to the rules I laid down in the house. His brothers were growing tired of his arrogance and general laziness. I was also growing tired of his bullshit. I started clamping down on him and restricting things like if he didn’t get home in time for dinner, he couldn’t eat. Things like that. Also imposed a curfew if he was not home by a certain time he might as well not come home.

This is when his mother my wife started to protect him. I imagine she thought I was being to hard on him but I wouldn’t take his shit, his disrespect of the house and the family, and his smart fucking mouth. I did a lot for that kid when I didn’t have to. We would fight about his behavior a lot, it really started to rift us. But this was only the beginning.

I couldn’t get ahead at all with my checks and it was really starting to pinch on me. The more overtime I worked, the harder I worked, the higher the bills would go or the more shit they needed or broke. It was a losing battle. My next choice was to make more money. The only way i could do that was my electrical license.

So I began to study hard on my own time for my GED. I never graduated high school, and a lot of places wanted something, so it was time for me to go get it.

Around this time Matthew, who was supposed to be responsible for his siblings decided to ditch them one day at a park and come home, I sent his ass right back to go get them and as hes riding across a busy highway he gets hit by a car. From what was said he just rode out into the street without looking. Was an ambulance ride to the hospital and he walked away fine. The owners of the car however tried to get me to pay for the cars damages. The wife made a phone call to their insurance company and reported what they were doing. That ended that.

My wife and I on top of the swinging from time to time which really was the only time I got to recharge started going to a private club for a swing party once a week. The people there were really friendly and i really enjoyed the time out with her. We even got to dress up. It really was great aside from the late night outing we’d take to get something to eat and relax, or just curl up on the couch together. It really made all the bullshit go away. Her domestic submission skills were lousy, but her bedroom skills had a lot of promise. She was like a duck to water as long as all the attention was focused on her. So rarley was I ever involved with another woman and if I was she wasn’t anything I was really attracted too. She would also have a habit of sabotaging meets of women she may thought might be some kind of competition to her. She wouldn’t like them, and that usually ended it. I started to realize i was not domming her sexually, she was domming me. Even when we were solo just us she had no problem saying what she didn’t want until I found something she did. I just ignored most of it, she was still getting her feet wet, and at least she was further than most partners I ever had. She also had no problem keeping me happy ultimately one way or the other in that department.

The house would get messy from time to time and i had to keep on top of her for it, but she would do it for the most part eventually. I really started to get sick of bitching about it. who the fuck wants to come home from a hard day’s work to a pig sty? We took trips to the store and wal mart every week sometimes twice, remember she didn’t drive. We had a great Christmas though, plenty of gifts and kids were happy. Even decorated and had a tree.

Matthew however, had other plans in how he was going to run his life. He started going over to some girls house and said it was for tutoring and studying after school but it was all bullshit. He was trying to play grab ass with her and it didn’t work out. One night as he was coming home he got hit by a car again. So I go down and pick him up, the ambulance said he was fine and I asked if he wanted to go get checked anyway he said no. So home we went again. This fucking kid was a total handful and I was really getting tired of his bullshit.

But somehow, in the middle of all this crap, I got my ged early February of this year. I was really proud of myself the test was brutal. I almost failed the math, and the science was fucking tough. The only thing else I can mention on it is the essay. We were all given random questions and mine was who in your life living or dead would you show your accomplishment to and why. I said my dad. I wrote a long story about his life and how proud I hoped he would be of me. The essay got a 100 and there wTere even teardrop stains on it. I knew I could write, I always did. But that was the best part of the test.

The first tax return I ever saw since I met my wife came that year. Up to now I never cared and let the family have it, namely the mother. After what she did with last years i think I’ll keep this one. We got ourselves a big beautiful memory foam mattress and box for our bed, till now we were sleeping on a lousy air mattress, also beds and mattresses for the kids that had lousy ones, some clothes for them,, paid off the bills and of course some new toys and sex gear for me and the wife. Also purchased new bicycles for all of them. I also with my usual 2 grand I got back bought myself a few small tools and a heavy ass bosch combihammer for driving ground rods with an inverter. Man it really helped out a lot.

Matt was out of fucking control. He came in one night with his usual attitude and picked a fight with me. I had enough, I went out to the kitchen and started my usual speech on how if he don’t like it here he can go back to Karen. He took a shot at me and I just beat the ever loving shit out of him. I even grabbed a folding chair and started to club him on the floor with it. Fuck that mother fucker. I had enough of his bullshit. I didn’t care how stupid he was, how retarded he was, or how fucked up he was. Get over it or get the fuck out. From here I had enough, Between the wife lying for him and defending him, her fighting with me, verbal and physical, all the lying she was doing for him, and the general piece of shit state the house was turning into from her being lazy as fuck all, I had enough. I got an RV to rent on bunny trail in Killeen and moved out, that’s when I found out the little faggot called CPS.

He told them I threw him out and made him stay under a bridge and he was hunting raccoons for food or some fucking bullshit. Well we acquired the world’s worst cps investigator, and she barred me from my own property. If I was caught there they would take the kids from my wife.

When I got the bikes, they picked them out at Wal-Mart, and they parked them in the kitchen. I asked them to get them out of the house and in the backyard by the time I got home, there wasn’t any room. So of course when i came home there still there. My wife was rushing to cook something she never got off her ass to do until 5 minutes before I came in as usual and I just started complaining, so she took them and threw them in the back yard like an asshole and we started fighting. She walked in to hit me and I pushed her down on her ass. I then started to grab my work clothes and my insulin to go sleep in my van yet again for the night as I often had to do and well she yanked them out of my hands and threw them away and was telling to leave with nothing. I of course refused and she called the police. The cops show up and she hides in the bathroom. I go out to talk to the cops I tell them the story and they arrest me for domestic assault.

I had the money to get out, but a person arrested can’t post bail. My wife left me there to rot obviously after a few hours of nothing I had to find a bondsman. They bailed me out and I got lawyer. I went in the house grabbed some clothes and went to my brother Joe’s house. I stayed there for a few days arguing with my wife on getting the rest of my shit and she was being completely ignorant about it. The bondsman told me to call for a civil standby so I did. When I showed up her son Joe demanded the keys before I even went in the house, I refused and waited for the cop. The cop was agitated as it was, and told Joe to get the hell out of the way and sit down. The wife was not there and I started packing. She came in gave the cop a dirty look and Joe started running his mouth off again.

The wife then proceeded to argue with the cop and he said sit down or i will arrest you, she didn’t sit down she put her finger in the cops face, bad Idea. He started to arrest her she began resisting and he called for backup. It took 4 cops and they tazed her. They hauled her off and I finished getting my stuff. Some people showed up for all the kids but matt, and matt had no problem telling me what a piece of shit I was when he got out of his girlfriends car. Well this piece of shit called Karen and said I would pay the bond, Of course Karen wanted the money, she wanted to use her own bondsman. Probably so she could keep it when and get some or all of it back to put in her own pocket. She also made me pay for a fucking speeding ticket she got. She was bailed out soon as the judge came available. I wish she gave that kind of a fuck about me.

The lawyer got the DA to drop the case if I went to 6 months of anger management. I had the lawyer postpone the sentence to see if we could get it dropped completely. The wife tried, DA wouldn’t budge.

So I took the time to work extra hours, come home to the RV and study. I picked my wife up on weekends, and we still were able to function as husband and wife, even had a swing party or 2. Seems the space from matt was chilling me out again, and the rest away from the house was recharging me. So all I had to do was wait for CPS to close the case do anger management, and it was over.

At some point Matt had a fight with his mother, It got physical and he was sent down to live Karen. That was that for a while. He was just to bullheaded to do what he wanted, and with my wife lying for him and coddling him and not standing behind me I had no position to alter his direction anymore. I was just something to be used and lied to. With him out of control I refused to support him any longer, he was going to have to make his own way. The fight with my wife

I got a call in July, it was my grandmother. Bruce had a heart attack. A massive one. It didn’t look like he was coming home. Nan was saying she was going to go stay with my uncle ter’s daughter tan, and everything was going to be ok, she didn’t need help. 2 weeks later the orders changed to I need you up here. So I dropped everything let my job know I was going for a month to settle all this out, and I would be back. I closed up bunny trail and got out of the lease and went home on a flight with the greatest of speed. I asked the lawyer to keep postponing my case, they said no problem.

Up to this point I was in the service department helping 3 trucks. I was the attic rat for every job. The summers were unbearable and I was killing myself trying to keep up so to be honest I needed the vacation. They told me the position may or may not be available when I came back. They had to hire 2 people to replace me.

My wife held down the fort, even manage to get some money to help keep the bills paid but it wasn’t enough. Up to this point with all the toys and lingerie she had I thought maybe she could webcam strip from home. It would give her a lot of attention she craved maybe even help her self esteem and make her some money.

I was always trying to get her to do something to help make money. I knew how depressing it was to be so broke all the time and if anything ever happened to me she needed to learn how to care of herself and the kids. Not to mention bilking my ass every month for more and more money was starting to get old, no matter how much she did to compensate me for it. Mainly sexually, trust me she had a fit if I asked her to wash a dish. She made her kids do just about everything. So she did a few shows, things were working out, I even hung out in the rooms too to watch her, she was a real sweetheart, I would have bought her.

When I got up to PA it was a fucking NIGHTMARE. Nanny snapped like a rubber band. She was mad she was crying and she had no idea what to do. She just was screaming Bruce is going to die get rid of everything and I can’t stay here I can’t afford it blah blah blah. So she was little to no fucking help. Tan changed her mind and decided not to take her after I showed up and she realized she can’t steal anything. So I was the only one to do all this shit. Clean out a 3 floor house 1 basement house that hoarded 3 generations of shit, garbage, memories, doors I never opened, places i never been. So up to me to be the hero again, the whole time I was saying to myself you fucking see? I knew this shit would happen, I fucking knew this shit would happen. Now I have to drop my life my wife my kids my fucking career to sort it out. FUCK I HATE BEING RIGHT!

So here we go, I start by getting a giant roll off dumpster, the biggest I could find and begin working on the attic. Floor to ceiling this place was packed with

garbage. I started chunking all the garbage into bags shit of no value and

dropping it out the window and lugging the bags to the dumpster. This is where tan finally quit. As I find anything that can sell for anything, I put adds on Craig’s list, called antique dealers, anybody. I even called some scrap metal collector and they had a ball emptying all the shit out of that place. They made a pile of money and even took some shit for their place. But nanny was fucking killing me, now I had to find a place for her to go too. On top of all of this I had to go through assets and sort the estate.

So while I’m working on the attic, My evening are spent going through every drawer and shelf in the house, stuffing anything paper into trash bags and piling them in the dining room to be gone through for bank accounts, stocks, insurances, whatever. I also had to get a lawyer for the application to medicaid and sort out a will and power of attorney. I only had so much time to liquidate his assets and use the money to find nan somewhere to go. Then the bombshell drops. Apparently brace has about 20 grand in stocks and IRA and a 250,000 dollar life insurance policy. I am like holy fuck. Medicaid is going to love this. But all is not well here, things have problems. As brace was losing his mind and not telling anyone, he was letting shit go.

He let the house go to the tax collector a few years ago, they were now renting it. His grandfather bought that house and it was all paid off. It just made no fucking sense, it still doesn’t. Next was the life insurance, he let the payments lapse. I tried like hell to get it back, but prudential was not having it, they laughed all the way to the bank and kept his money. They refused to underwrite him due to his health currently. So it was worthless. I managed to save my nan’s small policy though. Barley enough to bury her. With the power of attorney and wills in place I started to liquidate his mutual funds, and his IRA.

Also during all this I am dealing with estate sales brokers, antique people, flea market people, yard sale people, and anyone who would buy anything. Including the furniture. I am falling the fuck apart. I am so worried for my wife, I know she was lonely and struggling, and since the camgirl thing was working out I thought I would reward her with the same kind of thing she would reward me with. I told her to find a nice couple to spend time with I could voyeur too on webcam, the more we talked about it the more fun it sounded. So she found a couple, it really didn’t take long. A single female swinger that has some looks can get a list a mile long believe that. Unicorns are everyone’s prize.

So the night came, and I waited. She showed up and I had no call. I called her after a half hours and the female of the couple answered the phone and was obviously fondling her like crazy. She said thank you for the gift and we’ll take great care of her, I was woah let me talk to my wife please. She did and I said baby, what are you doing? you sure this is what you want? she said yes, I want this. I said are you sure? she said yes again. So I said ok and hung up. They

started sending pictures, pics of my wife having sex with them. I never felt so crushed in my entire life. My wife was having sex with a couple without me, in a different room in a different house. This went against all the rules we laid down, every one. If I ever did anything like this she would have left me. I didn’t even look at the pictures any more I couldn’t stand to. But I said if this is what she wants, I will have to find a way to accept it. I mean maybe she was experimenting, maybe we were going to redefine how we swing or what we do, I don’t know. But I needed something to get my mind off of it, and I needed it now.

I called my cousin bobby and begged him to pick me up, i waited outside and chain smoked till we got to the bar. I slammed 3 triples of Jim beam straight and listened to my cousin rattle off about Jesus for the next 2 hours. I didn’t hear a word he said, I’m thinking Jesus god how could my wife do this to me? how? Jesus god how? I stayed till hour 3 when the bar closed, my phone never rang once. When I got back to bridge street I called 12 times before she picked up. I burst into tears, I told her please go home, go home now. She said ok. She called me on the way and when she got in. I wept like I never wept before my whole life.

I told her what happened I told her how I felt, i told her how much it hurt. I wept so loud my nanny was wondering what was wrong. I told her I was drunk and just sad. My wife, my love my soul mate. She could do it, she could have sex with somebody else without me and not care. It was my first realization that I wasn’t special, she didn’t feel how I felt she couldn’t. She fucking couldn’t. She was not the one. It all became very clear that night. She loved what I did, not who i was. Not what i was. She punched right through Vincent and damaged the inner most being of who I was. She destroyed me. In the middle of all of this, when I needed her the most, she destroyed me.

She says they spiked a drink of absinthe they gave her to drink and I said they fixed you a drink and you drank it? I mean what in the blue fuck? You never take fucking drinks from strangers. Fucking common knowledge. She also said that this was her mistake and she would let me one day make this caliber of damage right and make it up to me. I told her to stop cam stripping, and I didn’t swing anymore for a very long time after. But never with a couple again. Ever. In one night she just destroyed everything in me. I still had a fucking job to do. The girl from the couple called the next day because my wife told them she was not to see them anymore. She tried to apologize and explain her point of view and I said I do not accept it as kindly as I could and explained how she and her man ripped my heart out and violated my trust. Never spoke again.

The next day I spent shaking like a leaf and battling with this unbelievable pain in my gut. I raided the basement for home made wine and just kept going. I was on the second floor, clean out the bedrooms, also around this time I was looking for an apartment, it didn’t go well with her dog and her smoking habit nobody wanted either. So now I was looking at trailers, and found one we could buy after days of looking. I am down to the first floor now, I sold all of Bruce’s coins and jewelry according to nanny she didn’t even want his watch, and was selling off the furniture pieces. I had my uncle Gar who thankfully was real estate agent broker the purchase for the trailer. It was to be in Phoenixville. My uncle ter promised to pick her up and take her to shopping and the doctors, he was the only one that could.

Next was the first floor, and tan managed to come back around and sell some shit off. She said a guy would be by with a trailer, I helped the guy load up all the shit I’d get little to nothing for, and who knows what she did with it, or the money. I never saw a dime, and neither did nan. Also My uncle ter needed to pick up his shit from the attic and the basement. He was trying to get me to sell it all for ridiculous prices, I could not. Also I let my uncle randy’s family know to pick up his shit, or it was going in the garbage. His son finally showed up with some of his kids and his wife kim, and the kids helped me do the basement. We were on our second roll off dumpster. He promised to come back and buy some of the furniture, he never did.

I was down to the basement, which was a cadre of tools and about 500 gallons of home-made wine. The family had been making it for years. Shit as old as 1950 still corked, still there. I asked ter what to do with it and he had no clue, I’m like swell this outta be fun. I couldn’t pour it all out it take forever. So I put an ad for free home-made wine on Craig’s list and OH MY GOD. It was all gone in 2 days, so many people showed up it was insane. I asked for donations made a couple hundred bucks. I even had a guy ask to take the cast iron tub for scrap, I told him he could have it if he helped me get rid of the empty bottles in the basement, he sure did. Even had a guy come by and buy all Bruce’s tools for 200 bucks. Had a newlywed couple and an antique dealer buy the mason jars and a few barrels. I did it, the house was clean.

We settled the trailer, and I bought Bruce a funeral bond. I did it, I liquidated and protected just about every dollar they had left. I did it, I got nanny her new place to live, it wasn’t much but it was the only thing she could get with the money she had. The last thing was the move, thank the lord for my cousin bob, my mom’s family showed up for pizza and moved us all in one shot with the truck I got rented. So from there it was installing the electric stove. Nan didn’t want gas. But it was all done, I didn’t even had time to ciy except the night my wife ripped my heart out. But not for them. I went home a changed man, Changed forever. I never got right again. Not for a number of years. Nanny was safe, alone and happy. All I had to do was manage the estate and I could do that from Texas.

So eventually my uncle ter with all his moaning backed out of taking nan shopping, so I found her a visiting nurse service that would take her to see her husband, and shop for groceries. She was all set I just had to pay her bills. We stopped going to the club, we stopped everything. I just spent my days dug into

my books and focused on studying for my electrical license. The party was over. I would be colder than I ever felt I could be, Me and my wife became estranged, and the bond became replaced with abuse.

One of our biggest problems in retrospect was how we dealt with anger. I have learned now that when someone is angry the best thing to do is understand their point of view and be passive accepting, forgiving, and loving. When my wife was angry I would respond with anger. When I was angry she would also respond with anger. From time to time I would take the high road, but she never did. She would always try to vindicate herself with placing blame or guilt or just make up absurd shit to say I was wrong. Sometimes this lead to blows, sometimes it was just her hitting, sometimes, just me, sometimes both of us. With the kids in the middle it was no way to live. But this was just one of the problems.

When I came back to work I was put back into construction, I began to work on a sleep center for 2 great bosses, Steve and panama. They loved my work and held onto me very tight. I bailed them out of a lot of problems with solutions I was now absorbing from my electrical course. I was surpassing the guys on the job and stood out. But this job, this job turned out to be the most amazing of them all, It’s where I met my 2nd brother and amazing friend George.

He showed up on the job and we passed by each other a few times, he seemed to know something. Turned out he worked on houses for another company for some time. It was a cold day and I was eating lunch by the heater and George was there warming up. He asked me a couple of questions about bending pipe and nobody ever really asked me for anything before. I answered them, then I felt something pull at my heart. Something told me to help this man. So I did. I took my bender over and showed him some stuff, man the smile on his face he had. I knew than we were going to be good work friends. I started to show him commercial, the ins and outs joint work, all kinds of things. He took to it like a duck to water, and he always respected and thanked me for all I did show him.

We didn’t just have work talk, he told me he was in jail in Florida, he told me he was stealing semi trucks when he was on drugs and selling the contents. He got caught with a federal mail truck and got even more time for murdering a guy that tried to rape him in prison. We became very close, and he took my mind off my wife and the damage. Best of all, I had a new friend. Hell I had 2 panama loved me. I could still relax on the weekends with the wife in between the studying, but I started smoking weed every weekend, drinking, and occasionally and rarely dropping acid. The wife partook as well. We spent the time at home, healing from the weeks to come and the damage that would be inflicted in all areas. My weeks were almost better at work, and me and George were inseparable.

One day were driving home and he’s upset, his license he couldn’t restore, he

needed 300 for it. I pulled into a 711 and got it out for him. He said what’s that? I said it’s money, people use it to purchase goods and/or services with. He said what’s it for? I said it’s for you, take this and get yourself out of that mess, and pay me back when you can. He thanked God with a prayer, and he cried. I said it aint nothing I wouldn’t do for anybody I loved, and I love you man. You’re like a brother to me. Thanks to Jermaine way back in Georgia, I was rewarded with one of the greatest friends I would ever have next to Justin. He still is. That’s how it started.

But still, one more problem. We had to get the CPS case closed. The fucking bitch just would not close it. She was an incredible pain in the ass and matt was getting harder to deal with again. I talked to a lawyer and I went over options, the lawyer said if we got them out of state, they would have to close the case. My parents happily agreed to take them, all 3 of them. Case closed. It should have healed us, it should have restored us. But it did not. My friend George drove all the way to drop off them kids, and all the way back. What friend would drive 3 states away and 3 states back for you? no one. That’s why he was my brother. Friends are shit.