Age 37- Fight now, cry later. Or in my case never.

At this point in time I knew we were all going to have to migrate back to PA. My instincts on my grandmother were usually pretty solid. I talked to the wife and the idea was to leave the kids in Kentucky with my parents until CPS closed the case. Then they would stay through the summer and my wife and I would go to PA, I would find work, find a place and transfer the kids. I just wanted my license before I left. I was working so hard on it. I was studying every day of the week, from the time I got home to the time I went to bed. I really dug in. Not because of my glory or anything. I wanted to know if I could provide for my family, if I could do what it took. I could always get by as an apprentice, but I never really committed to the trade. I was making a conscience choice to better my family, Our conditions were bad, and I was just fighting a losing battle trying to support these people. If I could get my license here, i felt I could get it anywhere.

Time did go on and the case did finally close when the agent on our case quit, the new agent laughed and closed it. CPS is the worst agency in the world. They have too much fucking power to do whatever they want to fuck with a family. A bad agent can really abuse their power and I feel that is what happened here. My wife was extremely non compliant and stand offish with these people, she had to deal with them a few times before in the past. To some degree, I believe it was warranted. But there is no law that says you cannot be a bad mother. Parenting

skills cannot be taught by a government agency.

My parents however, although weird with their religious beliefs and sometimes fanatical, still had a very loving relationship and a tranquil home, something me and my wife currently could not offer. The neighborhood we lived in was also a giant shit hole, but it was all I could afford, the wife did not work, and 600 a month support for a wife and 4 kids just didn’t cut much. Even with the food stamps. I was trying to go forward, not live check to check.

My wife however, just began to get bitter. But so did I. Over the years I noticed between what she told me was going on with her kids and what was actually happening differed greatly. Don’t get me wrong i always had to clean up the messes or suffer the brunt of their fuckups, but half the crazy shit they fucked could have been prevented if my wife stood behind me instead of teaching the kids to sneak around behind my back when they wanted to do whatever they wanted. It was exactly what my wife would do. When I didn’t want her to do something she would smile to my face with her fingers crossed behind her back and a shitty lie on why she couldn’t or wouldn’t. One of her favorite excuses was the house isn’t clean because I was throwing up all day. Sick people usually spend time in bed, not running around the house being angry and acting violent. Sick in the head people do that. Her only job was to keep the fucking house healthy and happy and raise her kids, why the fuck was this so hard for her?

She could certainly throw a fit about me ragging her about it, but it was her promise to me when we married. She keep the house, I’d win the bread. It wasn’t like she didn’t break a thousand promises before. Mainly I’ll never hit you again, I’ll never cut again, I’ll get help I promise. All the things an abuser says after the abused had enough. Same shit I always heard from my stepfather. I won’t hit you again buddy, I’m sorry buddy, I promise buddy. But now I was hitting back. Not only was I hitting back i was yelling back, degrading back, humiliating back, and hating her. Sometimes I even just clobbered her before she even got started. I just stayed in my books as best I could. I began to just accept this was who she was, and what i had to do to stay with her. I gave up on changing anything, I couldn’t make her do shit. She was about as submissive as a pitt viper. She just did what the fuck she wanted, and i just couldn’t stand the independence.

I couldn’t take the phony behavior, or the lies. Or the bullshit. Before I would just stick my head in the sand and just believe her bullshit. But over the years, the glaring contradictions just couldn’t be ignored anymore. Especially after I went to PA. I was always there for her and her kids, whatever they needed, whatever they wanted. When I put her in a position of needing her, she would just fucking collapse. It was all about her, it was all about what i could do for her, and what she could use me for. It was all about the minimum she had to do to shut me the fuck up. I was here killing myself above and beyond the call of duty, and she’d

pull my work clothes out of the hamper once a week and wash them to make sure I had them at least, but the 5 loads of the rest would sit in the hamper for ages.

She would cook dinner the last minute if at all, and I would have to rely on the kids to clean the house. So when the kids were gone, the house just looked like shit, what the fuck was she doing while I was gone all day? Sleeping, playing on the internet, watching t.v. Arts and crafts. Nothing to do to give a shit about me or the house, or the family, or her kids.

But when it came to disregarding rules, she would even help her kids do it. Example. Joe was supposed to go up, and not take his skateboard, he broke his wrist on it in 2 places. My parents weren’t skateboard trainers, and it was a long to a hospital from that house. I told my wife to check his suitcase and make sure it wasn’t packed. I get a call from my mom asking about if joe was allowed to have a skateboard and well, wtf? I’m a chump. My wife was no longer a wife, she was another child in the house I had to fight with. I was not the head of the house, she made that clear to the children, and Joe just ate it up. He took matt’s place sneaking out of the house, stealing, lying, coming home when he felt like it, getting into trouble, and fighting with me.

It all seemed like a game to her, seemed like it was becoming the life of lies she was painting for me, and the way she lived her life when I was not around. I never invaded her privacy, I always thought if I did I should just get a divorce. If you can’t trust your life partner, why the fuck are you even with her? The only thing she never broke was she loved me (however she could) she would never want another and she would never leave me. She would beg, she would cry, she would plead this mantra to me no matter what fight we had, no matter how bad I would give up, no matter how phony I thought all of it was, I thought this was genuine. These words, these things were true. The rest was all just part of her mental illness she refused to get help for. It takes crazy to handle crazy, and believe me . I was going crazy. So it was more like let the games begin, if she wants to game my ass with her bullshit, I’ll show her a better one. It was at this point it wasn’t about love for me. It was about payback, retribution, and vengeance. She told me things would be different, they were not. No matter where she was, no matter if she had all she needed, no matter if she had her family her friends, she just couldn’t measure up to what she said she could. She’d say anything to keep me around and I began to hate her for that.

My parents fucked me over too. They promised me they would keep the jesus shit down to a minimum and of course it was Jesus this and that every day. My mother for sure but not with jim. It had the effect I feared, it drove all the kids away from her. They loved jim, they couldn’t stand my mother. My mother even quit talking to me, she thought i sent them up there to pay her back for the shit she did when I was a kid. She wouldn’t even speak to me anymore. After my parents came up with idea of keeping the kids permanently that was it. My wife said go get them, and i had to agree. You don’t take someone’s fucking kids. No

matter who they are or whether or not you think it’s right. You don’t force kids into a religion. I mean what the fuck they turned the house into the inquisition.

By doing this, I told my wife this would have to effect the plan of leaving, I may have to go up alone. She didn’t care, and in retrospect i don’t blame her. Me and George took the trip again, and they came home.

This just solidified the end for us. I was no longer the man I thought I was. Maybe I never was and it was just sinking in. My wife’s constant betrayal, the backstabbing of her children, the minimal effort they were doing to improve the family or their lives, and my wife’s mental state and just general laziness to her service to me just made me feel like what in the fuck was I doing all this for? But I was going to get my license, I was going to get the money, and I was going to go home. My grandmother was constantly telling me how hard it was alone, and how she had time to think and calm down and she realized she needed help. I would talk to her for hours after work, and come home when I felt like it. The rest of my time was screwed in my books for my license, I was on a mission.

I did ask Karen to help me get Tammy in a mental hospital. I thought it be a good time to get her some serious help, and get her stabilized on some medication and aftercare. Karen said she would not commit her daughter, whatever. Like she didn’t know she fucking needed it. She was probably laughing like hell knowing what the fuck I was dealing with. So that was it, the wife was crazy, the kids and wife were liars, the kids were crazy minus Cody and kai, and there I was the nuthouse wrangler. Losing my mind too.

The tax return dropped again, and this time it was the storage shed, the new PC I desperately needed, my wife’s major pc upgrade, My glasses replace, and the lawyer fees to start getting my wife’s child support from her first husband Bryan who had not paid dick she the decree. I figured if she wouldn’t work, she could at least have that. We also purchased a lot of things for the kitchen, food dehydrator, French fry cutter, deep fryer, a large griddle, just stuff to make her life in the kitchen easier. Maybe she could get in to cooking a little more. She actually did, she started making a good recipe book and some really decent meals. If only she could clean up too, but she left that to the kids, and our dishes were always a fucking bio-hazard because they just like to look like they did a job, just like my wife. The actual job was a joke. Why care if their mother didn’t care? Just make it look like you did what you were supposed to, that’s all she did.

The drugs were getting more frequent, on the weekend I would start smoking pot more, it was the only thing I had to take the stress off, and it seemed to calm the wife down. We tried to do what we could, but we were just limping along really. I also finally began my anger management classes and started to learn a lot about charges and legal repercussions, and how to avoid fights entirely. I also stopped hitting. Instead I would leave, come home late to avoid a fight entirely, or I would get hit and leave. Either way leaving was all I had left to do. Once she knew that, she didn’t get less violent, she got more violent. Some examples:

My glasses: I was leaving to avoid a fight and she came outside and ripped my glasses off my face because she thought I couldn’t leave without them. I was going to drive anyway and she took my keys. I started walking and she kept trying to stand in front of me and pushing me. I’d walk around her and she would keep going. Finally she gave up, but she lost them and I never got them back. I had to wear my safety glasses till the tax return.

Then there was the grades incident. I used to reward the kids with good grades, Honor roll got you a dinner out, and of course i took the wife. The wife however, was more interested in being in a bad mood and acting angry about God knows what. So I just decided to cancel the whole thing. She then starts yelling because I was going to punish kaitlynn because we were fighting. So usually I never did this, but I suggested taking her alone. Normally the wife would have a fit if I went alone with the kids anywhere, she would get mad because she felt ditched I guess I don’t know. She said fine take her, so i did. Me and kai had a nice quiet meal, and I started to look through the menu to take something home to mommy. We picked a strawberry salad and a nice piece of cake for dessert. I was hoping to go home with a peace offering but the entire house was trashed, and she broke the coffee table I bought her. I got so pissed I threw the dinner out in the yard for the fucking cats, and kai went to bed crying anyway. You couldn’t win with her. You just couldn’t.

Cody was back to stealing, lying, and taking advantage of people but at least he was doing well in school. His problem was being bullied all the time. No doubt due to the mouth he inherited from his mother. Even when he was in Kentucky with my parents, he had problems getting along with kids in school. Joe never had this problem, but boy he sure did. My wife is asking me to help her father these kids, but yet she countermands everything I try to do. Why wouldn’t they just disrespect me? I remember when all these kids liked me, but it all came down to their mother. She’d tell me to my face how great i was, then tell the kids and her friends what a terrible person I was for sympathy, attention, whatever. Same trait as her mother. I never really started to take a hard look at all this shit until I came back from PA. Then the falling out with my parents, it was always like hey if I’m driving this bus, let me drive it. If you want it take the mother fucker but don’t expect me to just keep peeling out money for all of you to take me down to hell. I was trying to get ahead and all of them were just fighting with me against themselves, it just was so senseless.

Kaitlynn was the only one that kept me in this the whole year. She was always honest with me, she always cared about me, she never took a side, and she made it a point to get my approval. She had trouble with her academics and she was

always very sensitive, but I did my best to make sure she was the happiest little girl she could be in a pile of shit like that. I would tear those boys up especially cody when he gave his sister any shit for how she was. One time i was going out the door again, my wife wasn’t changing my mind. That little girl came into the bedroom when i was gathering shit up and said goodbye daddy. Hugged me so tight with a eye full of tears and she left. I just broke down. I stayed, I stayed for her. This was about the time she figured out that she could use her daughter to manipulate me.

Where I fucked up was my heart. It just got colder and colder. I stopped forgiving, i stopped loving, I started hating. I hated what they were doing to me, I hated how they took advantage of my trust, my hard work, my generosity, my kindness. I let them yes, but just because I said help yourself didn’t mean rob me blind either. Not just with money, but emotionally, I turned into a fucking ATM a janitor, a fucking regular Mr. fixit. All I got for my trouble was a load of misery from a miserable wife. She wanted me to be so lovey dovey and sweet to her, but yet she returned nothing. She could write a letter once in awhile, fill out a sweet card, or make some kind of home-made trinket. But try to cry on her shoulder for nurturing sometime, or just ask her when the strain is to great for help, or get fucked up and need her. She had no idea what to do. She was just too used to taking from people.

The last and final fight straw was the day I was studying as usual and she decided to take all my books and papers and throw them across the room because she felt her bitch was more important than my career, what else is new. She barley even patted me on the back for my GED, my license to her was just another thing to take attention away from her. So like every other thing she felt in competition or jealous of, it was time to destroy this too. It wasn’t happening. I said I’m going to get a place, I was too close to being ready. So I started to pack. When I was in the bedroom she started throwing shit and out of nowhere, a 5 pound candle hits me square in the face. Busted my lip pretty good. She runs in the bathroom and locks the door and hides. I am glad she did, if she didn’t I would have killed her. So that was that, out I went. Again.

I got a shared room in a house across town and had a nice quiet place with a card table and a set of sheets. All I did was dig my head in the books. The last week before my test I took my vacation and did practice exams from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. I wasn’t ignorant about it, I was coming back. Left most of my shit and saw her from time to time. But the result paid off. I got my journeyman license for the state of Texas. Passed first time out with an 83, the proudest moment of my life. I did it. I couldn’t believe it, I did it. despite all the bullshit, I did it. Hot damn. Not one party, not one pat on the back. Not one good job not one smile from any of them. Thanks a fucking lot. I moved back home, if you want to call it that. But it was just a couple weeks of things will change then it was right back to dog shit just a bit worse. I am so stupid. I was always stupid for

believing in these people, I just always really wanted to. With kaitlynn it was just something I had to do. Plus if I left them who the fuck would put up with all this bullshit and pay their bills? Personally by this time I couldn’t have cared if they all rotted for the way they were to me but kaitlynn was always the x factor. I really loved that girl.

So also while I am away studying my ass off and working, my wife and kids no longer on my stress level, I get a message saying how Joe finds himself a stray cat. The only thing on this earth I am still allergic to is fucking cats. I hate fucking cats. So what do they do they ask me I say no. They beg I say ok, but you better do good in school and be responsible for it. Listen to your parents blah blah or it goes. Sure, thanks dad. Yah I’m a great guy. Later on when the kids an asshole I tell him to get rid of it and the wife refuses. So now I’m a chump with a cat. Thanks for standing behind me wife. I can always count on you. It was just another slap in the face on who runs what and what I really am. The fucking paycheck. They did what they wanted, they lied to get what they wanted, and if I didn’t like it they did it anyway. Some family.

I get on a service truck of my own and get my wife’s’ nephew along as a helper, he was a good kid from Allen street. I always liked him. he was a lot older and had a few more problems, hut I thought of him as my son, and treated him as such. I even bought a PS4 when he broke his so he could come over after work and spend time with his aunt and cousins.

Matt during all this time was not doing so well at karens, He was cooking canned food on the sidewalk for dinners and the house had no electric or hot water. He was so funky when he came up I really felt sorry for him. So I offered him to come back home. But since he was of legal age there were certain things i expected from him. Responsibilities, finding a job, getting an ID, saving for a place of his own, things like that. Also gave him a list of chores to pay for his rent, a few weeks go by, and he’s up to his old bullshit again. Turns out he always was up to bullshit. Again, the wife and kids were doing his work for him behind my back to cover his ass. Well everybody’s doggie sometimes bites the hand it feeds. He bit my wife when he punched her for not going with her and the kids to the park when he felt like staying home and chatting to his internet girlfriends.

So from there he runs away, spends time at anybodies house that would take him in, and panhandles enough money to get a bus ticket to the Dakota’s to see some girl on the internet. Under age. Off his meds and his rocker, the father with a loaded gun drives him to the police station and drops him off. From there he gets arrested for defecating on the steps of a library and also gets charged with statutory rape. He was staying in a homeless shelter for a while, then moved out with a gay man who was attempting to have relationship with him, they got into a domestic and while all this is going down, I’m telling him it’s ok to ask for help

and come home if he needs too. He refused, instead he gave his father a call and went out to Virginia. He ended up getting thrown out and arrested, this time jailed with another statutory rape charge. The molested becomes a molester, and mom did a bang up job of raising her son. Good job mom.

So in comes Joe to replace the asshole that left, he decides to take a swat at his mom and I put his ass to the ground, i told him if he ever came back I’d kill him. Another mother fucker who decided if mom didn’t listen to him I don’t have to either. Never mind the fact these fuckers never had a father, never-mind the fact they ever even had a provider, a mentor, a caregiver, a supporter. It was just hey I am supposed to do all this? who fucking says I am obligated to do jack shit for any of those ungrateful fucks? You don’t even respect me why the fuck should I do anything for you? It wasn’t like their mother was even standing with me, not fucking once. I get it, I really do. I got the ring on I ain’t going anywhere so we can treat him any fucking way we want. When shit went down it was what can we do to bribe him to shut him the fuck up and he’ll keep paying for us? It’s all it was, just chump and bribe of the chump.

So now he runs to a friend’s house, and tells them a pile of lies about me and the parents call me. they say if I don’t go up there they are calling CPS on me, so i do. Turns out Mr. innocent face was telling them nothing but a pile of bullshit about how I was treating him, and making himself look like the poor abused kid who was living in tyranny, well what do you know, first time since that family ran their fucking mouths about me with all the bullshit it bit them in the ass. So now I got the whole story from all of them, I just tried to focus on my job. I worked later hours, sometimes I would site in the park until after dinner then go home. It just seemed to work better. I ignored her texts, I ignored everything from there. I just didn’t want to be there anymore.

It was also around this time Joe got himself in some trouble with the cops and ended up with a fine for trespassing on some railroad tracks i think, but who really knows the story. I suppose in his infinite wisdom he figured if his mother could get away with the dumbest shit he could to. He tells me he wants to go back out to Kentucky because he liked my parents and he wanted the opportunity to grow. I was so like bullshit this was just an amazing staggering pile of bullshit. I looked at his mother and i could tell she was in on this shit. Only from her mind could they think i was this stupid. So I have a call to my parents who were finally talking to me again and here come to find out he’s been talking dirty to a girl he was sweet on out there up at some trailer park. Swell. So I tell him if he really wants to get out on his own, go to fucking Job corp. JT his cousin did and he loved it. so he did. That was that. It was the first smart choice he made his whole life. I even said if he went to job corp I would pay his fine, Did that too. Your fucking welcome. The lying fuck.

I was also hearing about Kambrea every now and again, and it just dawned on me. She’s a fucking cunt no matter how I act or what I do. She never kept a damn promise to me, she never was even true to me? why the fuck am I honoring my end of leaving her go if she can’t shut the fuck about her? So I started calling her again, even Justin more, Kathleen, Nanny, anybody. I spent as much time as I could talking to anybody about anything. Of course all of a sudden when she knew I was she’ll change she’ll stop. Fuck you, too late. I knew what she really thought of me, too many whispers over the years were finally adding up to a roar.

I felt so out of place, so lost so lost inside of myself, so cold. I had no idea what the fuck she was anymore, but she was quickly becoming nothing to me but a rat on my neck. These fucking people took enough from me. I had nothing to show for it but a few trinkets and some empty pockets.

So now it’s Cody’s turn to start losing his marbles. I caught him stealing again and he also was having the trouble of hitting his sister. So one night I lost it. We tried spanking him, he would fight his way out of it, and it just wasn’t working, so I decided to tighten him up. He decided it was good time to grab a knife out of the kitchen and try and stab me. It didn’t end well, and that was the end of him in my book.

I just gave up on all of them, they were all liars, all self centered, and none of them gave a fuck about me , just what I was providing. I was another fucking welfare check to these people. Behind my back I was the biggest joke on facebook to all my wife’s internet friends, her friends in real life, I tried I don’t know how many times to get answers from, they all acted like they never talk to her. I mean what in the fuck? what the fuck was i? Here i was in someplace I wasn’t I was just needed. I wish people could understand what that feels like. Used. Just used up.

It was so hard to tell what was a game and what wasn’t anymore. Everyone I was talking to was telling me they didn’t even recognize me, this wasn’t me. I never had such a low self esteem, such a depression, such an uncertainty, such a broken spirit. Nobody around me noticed, nobody cared. Just what’s it going to take to shut him up. Hours i spent in my own work van, just wondering how I was going to get through this.

Whatever was to be the outcome, I knew I couldn’t do this the rest of my life, i just fucking couldn’t. I really wished somebody would step in and help us, help me. But it just a big laugh to everyone to watch me go down the toilet and my wife to act any way she felt like. They all enabled her, and I got the aftermath.