Age 38- The power of Goodbye.

When you wake up every day next to a lie, even a little one, over time it just engulfs you. I used to think of things, but it mainly seemed like every time I left or threatened to leave it would be the only thing to convince her to rethink how she was acting, how she treated me. In retrospect I believed I was in love, I really thought I was. Through better or worse, in sickness and in health, we both made that vow. This time truly was the worst and my wife was truly sick. I was so out of gas emotionally, I was so busted up, I was so out of it I just couldn’t think straight anymore, the only thing that kept me going was katilynn and the job. My grandmother was the goal. She wanted me, she needed me, and I owed them both, i owed them for all they carried through growing up. Even my wife knew that. A lot of things she would fuck with, a lot of friends she would drive away, a lot of drama she would cause, but she knew without a doubt I would slit her throat before she even said a bad word about those people. Nanny wras in trouble, the people I was with at that time decided to do nothing about their situations, the person who actually did need and love me could do absolutely nothing about her situation. That makes a big difference when you factor in she never lied to me, and she always loved me. I wasn’t even wanted here anymore. Maybe if we had some space my wife could rethink what I was really worth to her. But she needed help. Serious help. The fucking abuse had to stop at the very least.

The only way was out. My wife however, was not in a giving mood and did not want to let me go. She knew I wouldn’t come back after all that happened, and at this particular moment in time I was not planning to. Not for a long while, not until she could control her anger, not until she could let go of whatever she was holding on to, not until I could heal. At this point I was nothing but a nasty cold mess of fuck you. Completely shut down. I didn’t believe anybody, I didn’t trust anybody. My grandmother is saying get out, Justin is saying get out, kam and Kathleen are saying get out, everything in me is saying get out. Somewhere in

here my health began to fail as well. The cedar pollen which never bothered me that bad before was overwhelming me, I had to take steroid shots just to tolerate it. I developed a boil under my arm probably from staying out and sweating to death after work in parks and not coming home to bathe. My sugars were completely out of whack no matter how much I took they just never dropped.

This makes you tired and cranky on top of it all. I was getting colds, flu’s and I usually do not.

I was also nursing a broken hand I did on the job. When I was still an apprentice i had to unload a tall ladder off the truck by myself and it fell over I couldn’t catch it but the leg came up and busted my right hand middle finger. I straightened it out best i could, put a piece of half inch pipe over it for splint and kept working. It kind of healed ok, but sometimes the knuckle would hurt so bad I couldn’t close my hand.

The van was on its last legs, and my brother George couldn’t drive his truck anymore he still was wrapped up with his license trouble. I had the work van from the job and so I just let him use my van. He was out of RK bass by this time and working for another company. I was saving, saving big. I am sure it added to the tension of the place, the money wasn’t flowing for every little fucking thing like it used to. But they all knew what was coming. It had to be. All the life choices they made to now made this shit inevitable. I really wanted to get them the fuck out of Texas. It seemed that’s where most of our problems came from. Out of state for the most part me and the wife were great, or at least the illusion of great. Dreams are one thing, what is to be is something else.

So what i formulated from here was to bank up enough to buy a good vehicle, pay the trip home, and make some stops along the way. First would be to my parents, from there I would get a new cell phone, new number, and my own bill because I was getting awfully sick of her monitoring me on it. Look all you want what do I care, but she would defiantly bitch about me talking to anybody, I really couldn’t have friends. Any local people I could hang out with as long as she was with me, alone forget it. She wouldn’t even let me go see my own brother to go shoot pool. The few times she did she would spend the whole time I was gone blowing up my cell with texts of what I’m doing, when I’m coming home and who I’m fucking. By blow up I do not mean once an hour, I mean like every 5 minutes or less, consistently. Made it next to impossible to even enjoy myself. During my work hours I ignored her so much she finally got the hint, but if she knew i wasn’t at work it was terrible.

I didn’t even want to give her my new number in fear of all that shit again. I had to have the option or ability to cut her off completely. It was the only way I could keep her from abusing me with words and harassment and the only way I could keep myself from going crazy and lashing out in retaliation, remember I was still

in anger management. From the phone and Kentucky I would stabilize, next up would be my old boss and friend Andrew, who moved back home to Indiana. I would spend a week out there, then go on to Wisconsin to see Kambrea and her fiance Mike. She again was trying to be a friend to me, but I just wasn’t sure. People can be a lot of things from a distance. So it would serve as a kind of gut check. See if she could be there for me like she used to or not. If not at least I know I could walk away. Then on to Michigan for a week with my best friend and 1st brother in arms, Justin. His mom was sick and dying and the man needed some cheer. So did I really. Then on to my grandmother’s in PA.

The whole reason for this was my friends, I have been wrong before. Years ago I was convinced again on the bullshit there was so much better out there for me and we’ll be there for you and yadda yadda yadda. Well nothing says put up or shut up like a look in the eyes, the eyes never lie. I had to see who my allies were, and what I had left from my vanishing. Over the years by either my wife herself or the strain of my wife’s behavior everyone I knew and cared about disappeared.

My facebook was quiet, my social life was a pile of rubble. I guess my wife did that so i could be forced to only speak to her. Another form of control and abuse. I always encouraged her to have friends, I really was never worried about who she talked to, and at this point in time I didn’t care who she talked to. I was just glad she wasn’t to me, I was fucking sick of her. Same old stories, same old lies, same old bullshit. She felt as phony to me as a 3 dollar bill. Her I love you’s were so meaningless at that point I just didn’t believe her, I couldn’t believe her, How can you believe somebody that hits you and lies to you? It all had to be sorted. The house was 4 against one being me, I needed some distance to remain safe. From that distance and my wife’s dedication in keeping me, maybe this could be restored someday. But certainly not now.

The Tax return drops, and this time. I kept it. I bought the work van I currently drive with it. I paid in enough to that house over the fucking years. I was supporting a house full of people that hated me. But if you want to get specific I was supporting kaitlynn and all the people she liked, namely her family. The van was originally 17k, I talked him down to 13k cash. Not a bad buy. 40,000 original miles. This thing would do just fine. I sold the old van for a grand and sold the go kart, nobody drove it anyway. I thought it be good to send it to a good home. George drove the new one to his job till I absolutely needed to get it in the shop to go out of state, and he repaid his debt to me. I made the repairs it needed, and i got a stereo put in the thing and for the first time in my life I could dock my phone with it to play my music. It was the greatest investment I ever made. I still love that stereo.

It started to feel good to say fuck everybody I am doing this for me was starting to see why everyone was into it. My life and my marriage may have been a fraud, but this shit, this I could do. It was long overdue. Towards the end before I left however, My heart started to go out to them again. I worked so hard and so long

to support them. I felt like leaving them in the lurch would be just as rotten as they were to me. I made a promise to look after her, I made a promise. Just because hers didn’t mean shit didn’t mean she still didn’t love me, she was just sick is all. Sick and out of control. Just like I was many years ago. Just like I was now. The only person who had the sense left to walk was me. You just can’t do that forever.

My wife finally did start going to a group at some point. It changed little, she even started to take medication again. Some days she would take it, some days it wouldn’t. It had really little to no effect. She was in a terrible downward spiral, she needed something more serious. Looking to me for help at this point was just fucking laughable at best. I was just a bastard at this point. She even admitted she had a habit of destroying everything trying to get close to her. Well she did. I was a changed man. As much as i tried to be sympathetic, I just could not. I had enough of all the fake apologies for the hitting, I had enough of all the lies. Looking in the mirror at who i was I spit in it. I was the abuser now, I was the liar too, I was the thief. I was the destroyer. This was not who I was, this was never who I was. I worked on myself all of these years to not be this kind of person to who I loved. I knew she couldn’t love me anymore acting like that. I knew now because I didn’t love her anymore. I was beaten. She broke me, drove my friends away, destroyed everything I was, everything that gave me joy, everything that repaired me. I truly had nothing but her, and she was a destroyer of men.

My anger management class finally came to a close, he let me out 2 classes early and said I don’t need to be there anymore, he wasn’t sure I ever did need to be there. Everyone in there had jail records, probation officers, forced to go, second trip to the class even a 3rd in one guy. By the end of the class I was up in the front talking to the guy and helping others best I could, I was actually kind of liking it. I learned so much not just from the teacher, but from the students. I knew exactly how I didn’t want my life to end up, like these people. A crazy woman is not worth jail time, period. I was so happy, I was free to leave.

So I left. My notice was in, the date was set, I was packed. I left behind some things of course. Well I left behind everything. They needed that shit a lot more than I did. I had a means to get what I wanted i could work. They either could not or would not. The van was all I really needed. So my tools, my clothes the goodbye’s and off I went. I don’t remember it all really, but I know I cried driving out. I didn’t want this to be the end, but it just had to be. She would not change. I couldn’t fight with her anymore.

I did change out my cell in Kentucky, but I also kept in contact with my wife on Skype. This situation was much better for control, when she started yelling or degrading, I could just block her and space myself. I needed the time to heal, I needed the time to feel like a person again. Not a work mule, not a paycheck, not

a chump, not a sucker. Just needed to feel special and loved by someone.

Although in retrospect at this time, I had way to thick an armor. I trusted no one. It was the main reason to visit these people. I needed to find myself again, and I needed to know if I could have a life through anyone again where i would and could be healthy, happy, and loved. Not lied to, not used, not abused. A home.

The space alone apart from my wife already began to work enough. I missed her. I missed the idea of what could be, what I always wanted us to be, I missed chasing my dream in her. Abandoning her to find her own way was definitely not my first choice, I just had no strength to fight any longer, and I still had a grandmother to be strong for. I was filled with hope my grandmothers love could break my anger, my hatred, my bitterness and restore me back to my former glory. Her love, my grandparents love always seemed to do that, I hoped it would again.

The stay with my parents was nothing but love, I spoke nothing of my wife, or the situation. I just was not ready, wasn’t sure i ever would be. My mother however by this time was finally accepting of my marriage although she didn’t understand why I would leave her to do this. I just explained that it was a choice and something I felt I had to do, and I left it at that. My wife began talking more, and I explained to her what I wanted and what i needed. The first thing was to get help for the hitting. It really was my only focus at this point, I figured I took all the other shit for all those years but the hitting was the last straw. If we could at least unwind that, the rest may sort itself. It felt good to see them again, I had no idea when i could see them again or if I would see them again. I knew what i was going home to, a lot of sorrow.

In the meantime I was contacting Andrew to go through Indiana, but I have no idea what happened. The trip cancelled. Not only did he back out he wasn’t even speaking to me anymore. I have no idea why to this day but that was it. I haven’t spoken to him since. Life goes on, and it was going to have to go on with him.

Next stop was Wisconsin. It was good to see Kam again, but I noticed right away she had a sorrow all over her. Quite a drinker too. It just goes to show the facebook perception of a person can be very different to the person they are everyday. Her fiance’ mike was a real nice guy. I kind of liked him, but I kind of didn’t. He kind of had this stubborn arrogant way of doing things that had no bend to them. Kam just followed his shit like a puppy. I learned over the years flexibility is what makes you attractive. Rigid behaviors ruin relationships. But they were still in the honeymoon phase. So be it.

I will admit though, we had a lot of shit to do together, she planned the time out well. Boat trips, restaurants, parks, met her mother, even went and took the pistol out for a jam. First time i ever got to practice with it, turned out she was a better shot than i was. The mother and me kind of buried the hatchet without words,

and life went on. The breaking point was the night at the fountain. Well honestly before that. The first thing that got me was when i caught her going through my cell phone. I set it up though. I acted like I was going outside to take my insulin and I forgot my needles. I came back in and it was in her hand, she came up with some lame excuse but hey, can’t blame a gal for being curious I guess. Woman can claim to have trust all day long, but it’s what they do when the temptation is there that really define the kind of women they are. Old trick, I use it a lot. That’s why I never bother to lock my phone. It tells me a lot about their character.

The evening in her backyard with mike was a big conversation about the relationship I was in and how unhealthy it was. They were trying to convince me why I needed to end it and i said I was not ready to give up on it yet. They asked why when you could spend all the time helping or being there for somebody who actually could or does want to benefit from what you have to offer? you could have made a difference in a hundred lives by now instead of no difference with this one life? My answer was if I dealt in mass quantities, why would I have ever wasted my time with kam? She years and she’s still not finished? I believed in my wife’s potential, I believed in her heart, she was just broken right now, and so was I. Point made, I went home.

puitt’s nest was great trip, but also a bad conversation. Kam started to say something to me I had heard oh to much over the years about who I was and how I felt inside, and how I just couldn’t work through everything and be normal because I was too weak or some such bullshit. I wrote about it in a little more detail in my present entry of September 2015 on her birthday. But it hurt, it hurt for a good while. It was painful to know she would never be close to me again. We were not the same people anymore. I didn’t need a mentor, i needed a healer. I certainly wasn’t taking any advice from someone who couldn’t spend a day sober. Don’t fucking tell me about reality if you cannot even live in it.

On to Michigan. I came in like Santa Claus. Justin needed so much shit it wasn’t even funny. He was really bad off. I took care of him best I could I certainly wasn’t loaded with cash but I got him a few creature comforts. The week was spent with me majorly sleeping and taking a million showers in his place because he had the most awesome water pressure in the world. I even cleaned his kitchen. It was good to rest here, I really needed to recharge, The nights were spent smoking weed and listening to music and just hanging out. We never went anywhere fancy, never did anything extraordinary, I just enjoyed the company of my brother, it had been a very long time. Defiantly the best part of the trip, and that is why he was last. The only X factor was Kathleen. She was seriously talking to Justin, and they got pretty close. Justin had this huge crush on her, and as soon as we got on Skype he started telling me he could tell she still had the hots for me. I was like bullshit but turns out in retrospect he nailed it. I mean fuck I didn’t even know if I wanted to divorce her, I wasn’t even thinking about it by the time I got to Michigan. Just the dream of her was heavy in my heart, I just knew

we were not finished yet. I couldn’t let her go. But yes, I went on to PA. This was the first time my heart did not sink when I crossed the state line. I was actually looking forward to coming back.

The vibe when i got home was way different than I expected. She didn’t seem as happy to see me, was almost pissed because i took so long to come up. She was bitter, she was more hateful, the love was just not there like she was telling me on the phone. Honestly it crushed me. My port of harbor was destroyed. It left with Bruce I guess. He was in the home, and I had a lot of work to do with odds and ends and a giant short list of all the shit she was complaining about. I figured if I got it done, she would be ok and go back to old self. It never happened. I was out of the fire and into the kettle. Jesus. But it was ok, I owed them, I said I’d be there, I would be.

So out comes Kathleen on day 2 of me being home to hang out, and I figure i would at least have a friend here. We smoked some weed and hung out on the porch just catching up like kids in high school. I told her next time I’d go to jersey so we could keep it fair and she was ok with that. She seemed like she wanted to help, like she wanted to care for me, patch me up and help me lick my wounds you know. Well one evening were stoned and I’m rattling off on all my problems and passing out. It felt so good to be held, just be held. Just to be talked to nicely, just to be treated like a fucking person instead of having fire blown on me every 10 seconds. She ended up giving me oral sex, and it didn’t feel right but in all my confusion and the drugs I guess I just went with the moment. Kathleen had other ideas however. She began to pressure me into a relationship. She automatically assumed we were in one or anything more than friends and I had to put the fucking brakes on that. I told her I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be done with my wife for Christ’s sake, I was confused and i didn’t come up here for anybody but my grandmother, I needed to focus on that. Nothing else needed to be on my plate, and I needed time to sort it. I said I’d call her when i figured it out. We never spoke again.

I picked up work with swartley, it was ok but not what I wanted to do really, company was a bunch of assholes. The guy I worked with was great, it was everyone else that showed up. My next company was back with mylestone electric. I loved working for myles before, and I was real happy to be back with him. Felix was gone however which i found odd. But more on that later. The money was badly needed I had bills to pay, including my wife’s. It wasn’t so bad at first, I left her money when I left the state and she was making good use of it, pinching her pennies, or so I thought.

Depression and loss began to set in, I had no one to count on in my immediate presence to keep me whole. I was counting on my grandmother, but she failed. She was lost in her own misery. I just had no one to turn to. My trip home was

fruitless. I needed help, I needed someone to help me. I really felt defeated. So I began to have the sinking feeling I would not survive in my current state. I started to want to die. My dream was gone, my hope was fading, my life ahead was a dismal future, she was never going to change. I was never going to heal. The last of me was dying. But all of this just could not be in vain, it could not be for nothing. Someone had to know why. Nobody ever really listened, no one ever took all of me. No one ever accepted me as a whole. I do not think anyone ever could. But my life on the net, gave me a solution. I launched this site, and decided my entire life in all of it’s good, all of its bad, all of the dark, all of the light, all of my past, all of my present, my own very soul would be dumped on to this place. Then I would Die. I would die of exhaustion, I would die of failure, I would die of a shattered abused heart. No funeral, no grave, no obituary. Just this. This place. The hope it would prevent someone like me from ever being spawned on to this world again. I was nothing, i was unwanted, and my whole idea of this life with my wife was a fucking giant lie.

My wife would get upset at everything I posted on facebook, and she would get jealous at every female that ever said anything to me, or me to them. Even a Hey or a thanks babe. So in fear of having more people drove away I dropped her from it. I was spacing her further and further away and killing myself at the same time doing it. I was dammed if i did and dammed if i didn’t. I just was spinning in circles with nowhere to turn. I needed something close to me again, I needed to feel the value again, i needed to feel whole. Hell I would have settled for just feeling something other than pain and misery. So instead of facebook being and outlet for my thoughts, this place became my graveyard for them.

My wife had fucked up at the old place in Killeen, instead of her coming to me with the broken air conditioner problem for the house she decided to take the rent money to fix it, it still didn’t work and they evicted her. So all the money I had at that point went into helping her move to her current residence. I even had to hire movers to move the shed. The place was way more expensive, but I had a good job and it was about time the kids had a nice place to live in, grow up in and go to school. Maybe that would help her some. I think it did for a while, but it just made me feel more used. The more I paid out, the happier she was. Her love for me felt like it was on my dollar bills. I wonder what would happen if I ever ran out of cash? I was to depressed and ashamed of myself to ever want to know that answer.

My wife came up for my birthday this year. I booked a nice air bnb for a week and some and she really was beautiful when she got off the plane. She spent a lot of the week sleeping, and coloring for her therapy, she said her therapist said it was good for her. I tried to curl up to her a lot, she would just roll away. I spent a lot of my evening on the other side of the bed. We were distant, almost came to an argument. I started to leave and she threw my bag back in the house and I decided to try again. I stayed the rest of the time with her, and she really did try to

give me a beautiful relaxing birthday. Everything was still so fresh, but I had my doubt in its restoration. She just wasn’t there yet, she was reacting to the loss of me I think. She just didn’t want to lose me at that point. It was extremely hard to trust her, and under the surface I was watching her very closely. However I missed her very much. I swept all I could aside and just enjoyed the time. Despite it all I did, I really did. It was worth every penny. I still loved this woman, I just hated what was done to me. The part that did was going to have to go away. But in retrospect, the part that defended me against her needed to go away too.

Women are the bane of my fucking existence

Hello everyone. Today is a special day in my existence, it is the birthday of a

special friend of mine who I will probably catch up on in previous recollections at some point but I will say for this particular moment this person whom I will refer to as ka our relationship at the moment to say the least is strained. I seem to get into the habit of wanting to talk to people from my past because I remember how they made me feel and then when I finally speak to them I am reminded that everything even me although I never seem to see it in myself constantly changes. I feel at this point in time I have to leave her alone, she’s very obstinate like me and with that obstinence at her age (the young and tender age of 26) I can see a full blown arrogance with that obstinence also something I had at 26. Everything I needed to do with our relationship I have done including testing for anything healthy and beneficial in my existence. I found it sad she has nothing to offer me.

I found it sad because at one point in her life I had a whole lot to offer her to which she found quite beneficial at least at that point in time.

I seen the world of how she portrays herself on the internet and I seen her world of how she portrayed herself in life and I can say for sure, they are vastly different. The hypocrisy almost chokes me to death. In the internet world She portrays herself as extremely sensible, in balance with the earth and nature sharing a loving relationship with a balanced wonderful loving providing giving man interacting in social settings with the rest of the normal world and the normal people involved in it. It’s sad to observe a person in real life who cannot survive longer than 24 hours without being completely drunk or completely high. Her decisions and opinions on life, people and feelings for them also directly affected with what and how much of drugs or alcohol is induced. Rather phony to me. A person who cannot face the world with their own two sober eyes. Someone near and dear to me who right now is happy to use a birthday as an excuse to not face reality or her own inner self at the most extreme of levels for yet another day. what a waste. I thought she was to become so much more.

What broke our friendship I think was the comment I made on how I thought her friends including her on and off again fiance depending on how much she’s intoxicated of course were around her because of her current looks which she took extreme offense to. Bear this in mind I knew her when she was a child. I knew her when she was 300 pounds. I knew her when she had no tits whatsoever. The biggest rack she could ever hope to acquire was probably a b-cup. She had a body shaped like a pear she would hide her hair in front of her face she had acne issues and she dressed in clothes that look like garbage bags. To put it mildly she was a train wreck, my statement was if any of these people in her life that are oooing and ahhhing knew her then I’m pretty sure they would have walked right past her. The reason I stated this was not out of jealousy or out of spite, it was to invoke a thought pattern. She somehow rustled up the money including filing bankruptcy to have liposuction done and breast implants. When she first met me I was younger and fairly skinny at about 165 pounds 5 10. I’m currently 38 years old and I weigh about 185 pounds. Around this time my entire family for some genetic curse develops a bit of a belly. I still wear size 34 jeans it’s just now I have a little bit of an overhang. I plan to get lipo at some point in time but that’s another story. What bothers me she felt the need to poke fun at it. I wonder what the reaction would have been had the tables been turned but I guess we’ll never know will we?

It would have been nice if she could have repaid the love i once had for her by shouldering me when I was falling. She of course now lost in a small minded world, is incapable. It would have been nice if she could have taken care of other people as well as me, but there’s one thing I forgot. I forgot when you change someone’s path from complete destruction you get a different result. Her result was the ability to return to the normal people with a gift they don’t deserve to have. I always thought if there was one person that could have understood me front to back throughout it would have been her because there was so much I told her. but I guess in her time apart from me she must have forgot most of it. The worst thing anybody has ever said to me my whole life “was why can’t you be happy? Why can’t you just snap out of it? What’s wrong with you why aren’t you smiling?” In my time with her, my short time with her, I managed to hear all three questions in one form or another. If you have to ask me you don’t understand me. We’re not even on the same playing field .We are not even in the same ballpark. We’re not even playing the same fucking sport. Our time for benefiting one another has since past at this point it would seem but I can still at the very least wish an old friend happy birthday.

My wife however has already given me my birthday present this year, an eviction notice that she managed to acquire a few months after I left the state and her in it to manage the bills. She also managed to upgrade her living situation at my expense so for a period of time I will be covering the difference for her and her two children. I am sure they are ecstatic about this situation I however am not because I am in fear of what the situation will do to my credit and my ability to acquire a place sometime in the future for me to live in. I get so sick of being taken advantage of but I still let her do it and for the life of me I cannot figure out why? Until I do I certainly cannot involve myself with anybody else on any emotional level. I’m so angry at her inconsiderate behavior towards me over the years but yet I am not ready to close the door and I can’t figure out why.

I need to accept the fact that my life has begun in solitude and needs to end in solitude. My wife like ka was just another attempt to be happy with someone that failed. I think my upbringing and the results of it made me a social leper to the entire Earth especially females in it. I don’t want to give up, but I think I have to give up.

I threw it all away.

I decided to dump every facebook post, comment and picture I ever did tonight. I figured since I can speak more freely here it was a logical choice to keep up appearance and the outside chance someone would want to find and or message me. Well, not one response, not one what the fuck, not anything. I suspected as much. The people on my facebook currently are the people I spent a lot of time missing and in my heart longing to reconnect with. The only thing I posted was a youtube link to one of my favorite Bob Dylan songs (there are many) “I threw it all away” partially for humor but more for the poetry and a deeper meaning. Everyone on that fucking page less 2 people (I will refer to them as Ju and Ge) does not give a shit about me, what I say or what I do. So one day down the line if they are bored and have nothing else to do down to the area of delinting the carpet or checking in on me, they can look at their own reflection. Nothing.

I find it very hard to speak or write about my father, It’s a sore subject. But I must for my life and how it was shaped is hinged upon him a great deal. I might want to spend another day thinking about it.