Age 39 – Without love, faith and hope produce nothing.

Without faith, love and hope produce cynicism and fear.

Without hope, faith and love produce hypocrisy and despair.

Without love, faith and hope produce nothing.

Rod Parsley

Normally I don’t refer to evangelists when I write, but as I spent these last few days thinking of this year, what to say, and if I would write a half year after to come up to speed with all that has happened this was the first thing to come to mind. This year the balances tipped way out of scale, and it was directly because of the love. The love was gone. Not the kind that said in word or made with notes and smiley faces, or the kind that has incredible orgasms with long talks into the night. The biblical love, a love of no bitterness, no record, forgiveness, empathy, no lies, and trust. It goes beyond all measure, it’s something I always dreamed of having, something I hoped was in my wife. Something I believed was in her, that is why I married her.

My mother and me were kind of on a slow but steady rebuild to constant contact as best we could. Occasionally, she would contact me for something or other and strangely enough she talked to me about a woman at the store who lost her cash and my mother was helping her find it. She could find her last 20 dollar bill so my mother volunteers to pay the lady’s bill. Poor thing, she had no idea what a swindle was. She got conned. So I took a minute to write and email and when i was finished I decided i wanted to keep it, so on the site it went.

Around this time me and the wife decide to get involved in a game together, I picked H1Z1, it looked like it had promise, We had some pretty good times on it together at first.

Joe comes back from job corp, and my wife volunteers him to come home. Well that was awful nice but I can barely afford or even want to pay for them 3 let alone another ass shining the couch. My wife though just begs and reassures me that he’s going to get a license get a car a job and get his own place… Yah right.

But whatever, I’m the sucker.

She also acquired another cat but even though she said it was from her friend beverly I suspected otherwise. Again, who gave a fuck about me, it’s just what they wanted, the rest was secondary.

My parents were going to Texas for Christmas to see my brother and they invited me along to see my wife. After how decent my birthday went I was more than happy to go down. Now it’s the family. The first night there I invited them down, the wife made an incredible dinner, the house was spotless and even the kids were nice. They came down and asked to take kaitlynn and cody. Cody did not want to go until he found out he had to dishes, imagine that. Not much changed

with that kid. I tried to warn my parents he didn’t really give a shit about being with them but they insisted so that was that. Joe was different too, he came back with a smoking habit and had a way more independent attitude. Odd as it was to I felt like my wife was treating him like the man of the house. Personally I think that boy carries all of her dirty laundry and knows more of it than anyone, but he would never betray because again, all of her kids were and always will be desperately starved for a mother’s love she will ever be able to provide and a fathers leadership they will never let anyone take. My parents even took everybody out to dinner again. Not like they deserved it, but they did because they were my family. My parents still love those people with all of their heart, and I wish I could have found the same kind of love at that time, maybe then this tale would have a different ending.

As usual, there was always something or someone fucking something up, this trip was no different. Cody is having issues manipulating my parents into doing what he wanted. So he starts pacing the halls with his hood over his head like my wife would do when she was pouting and making miserable looks and generally being an asshole. My parents decide it would be nice if the boys had Xmas presents too, my mother bought kaitlynn a lot of doll stuff. So she and Jim take Cody and my brothers kid (who is a wonderful child by the way) to wal mart and let them go off and pick what they wanted but to not check out. Bad Idea. Cody talks my brothers son out of his money and blows it all on yu gi oh cards. He has them paid for before my parents even know what’s going on. Nice one, you steal from your own fucking family. Oh never mind it wasn’t his family. I was the bill pay machine. So why the fuck wouldn’t he assume my family was suckers for paying money too right?

The week went by so fast, then my parents wanted to go home early because the grand kids wanted to go be with their parents and play with their presents. So while they were packing in a huff I decided to book my own flight home to pa at a later date. I really wanted to stay, It was a dream world of love and hope, and faith. It really was everything I wanted us to be. But I had to go back, I made a promise to a family I owed, and I pay my bills. If she loved me she would support me. I think then she still did in her own way. She cried when I left, I cried when I took the cab to the airport. Not like anybody she knew liked me enough to ride me anywhere, I guess in retrospect she was too busy telling them all how much she hated me and lying about who I was and what i did. After this day, I would never see her physically again. I would never hold her again, I would never kiss her again. But through it all I would like to thank her for that gift for Christmas, the best and greatest lie she ever pulled off. That we could be a happy family and she really did love me for all that I was.

When I got home, the fighting began again. I was trying to get close to my wife, she was refusing. Probably either to Joe or to lack of interest, maybe because she felt I abandoned her again. Even though at this point, I was still paying bills. I started reading Friedrich Nietzsche and some quotes I liked, so I saved them to help me through the more difficult days with her. His words offered a lot of strength.

By the time valentine’s day hit I got a single card that said, I really appreciate all that you have done. That’s it. The coldest thing I have ever read from her. It still is burned in my mind like a welding torch. The love she had for me was failing. She would come on upset all of the time when we would game. Throw fits in front of my friends I made when I was playing it, even moved off on her own in the game from time to time. We just couldn’t get along anymore. Our conversation were reduced to weather conditions, movies, her cats, and her kids. Nothing of us. No words of I miss you. No time to say when we could see each other again. No loving anything, nothing emotional. She just seemed to want the sex. She also wanted the money to pay her bills. By Christmas I quit my job with mylestone we had a falling out, so I figured this would be as good a time as any to get out on my own. I kept collecting unemployment and my grandmother was needing it for all the shit extras she wanted done to the property she ran out of money for. So when the tax return came I banked it all again and paid my wife’s bills with it. Nobody was in any kind of trouble financially at this point in time as far as I know, but I could be wrong.

So I got bonded and licensed and started working. Jobs would come in here and there but it was nothing like I used to make. I had to do something before the tax return got sucked up. I couldn’t do any more than I was and by this point I was sick to death of paying for a family that literally couldn’t be there for me, help me, or support me in anything I did or wanted to do if it altered their lifestyle of doing nothing and living off the state. So the news that those fuckers were finally going to have to work for a living did not go over well. In fact, I think was the beginning of her true colors and the birth of her hatred towards me. Joe however, didn’t do too bad here, He started cutting lawns, and my wife would help him sometimes. They were using a friend or neighbors mower, and giving him money to use it. I again, felt bad and was veiy proud of them for trying so I bought them a mower. I also bought joe a 300 dollar welding helmet for completing his welding education. But this was all to say good job, offer encouragement, and try to support them in any way I could. Even if my wife wasn’t being one. I made a promise, a promise to look after them. But even I have limits, if something were to happen to me, they would have to look after themselves. I wanted to make sure they could do that.

What they didn’t know is how sad I really was, how upset all of this was making me, and how stressed I was watching my grandfather rot away every week. My wife wasn’t one to give me any kind of nurturing support or any kind of warm love to me at this time, I don’t think it was ever to be honest. She was always cold, she was always reserved, unless it was anger or sadness. Her problems were always bigger than mine, her life was always more important. I wasn’t driving the

bus anymore she was. I began to say I wanted out. I wanted a divorce. She would refuse, she would call my phone a thousand times until I answered, she would cut her arms and send me pictures when I did not conform to her will, she would threaten to poison herself with pills. All of the stuff she has done in the past the whole time we were together except now it was becoming a daily ritual almost.

She would drive me so mad, so crazy, I just wanted her to go the fuck away. It was always do what she wanted me to do or else this. I would have to bend. I was no longer a dominant, I was her gimp. I was her whipping post for her will. Except now the only weapon I had for a defense was space. The more I pushed her away, the more she would finally calm down and treat me like a husband with some respect. Even a little respect for all I have done and all I provided would have nice. But it was not to be.

With no help from my grandmother emotionally, and no attention from my wife other then the occasional pinup girl sex life we had on the internet, and the occasional movie after 9pm supposedly when her kids went to bed. (I believe now this worked in line for her schedule with her alternate social life of other men.) I was empty. Fruitless My life had no point anymore. I was a fucking mule bribed with sex and manipulated with lies and abuse to keep paying her bills. I thought at this point she was feeling like she was losing me and just didn’t know what to do. She was, but I also believe at this time in retrospect she was shopping for men. She had a match.com profile along with her private facebook account with quite a few men she was talking to. She’ll never admit it, but a husband knows his wife. It just drove me further away. If I was moving down on the priority list, so would she.

I still needed something in my life to make me feel special, something to feel loved, cared for, like a fucking human being and not a food stamp. Our D/s to this point domestic and emotional was gone. Returned to bedroom kink. Seems all along that really was all she was. No submissive abuses her Dom, no submissive defies his will. She walks out. She removes herself from service. She does not throw fits and threaten to kill herself when things don’t go her way. It’s not about her way. A true submissives’ joy is in supporting and following the will of her dom. Her Dom specifically, not what’s in a book or suggested by a group of people on fetlife or facebook. If you don’t like his kink, he’s not your dom. Leave. The rest is all just smoke and mirrors for control and more abuse.

This is when I decided one last time to find my brother Greg. I found him. He was in jail doing time for burglary among a pile of other charges. I found him through his sister, and after some money I gave her and some groceries I bought her she finally gave up his address and I wrote him. We have been writing and talking steadily since, and although it is amazing to have a part of my dad in my life again I thought I lost forever it still would not compensate the void in my soul for what

I always dreamed my wife and I could be.

I became afraid to write on my site, I knew what i build it for. This was to be my end, my note. My number 23 story, My legacy. My scratch on this earth to indicate all I have done, all that was done to me and the final result. I had failed at reaching my wife, I had failed at being faithful to her, I had failed at supporting her due to my business not springing up to well. My grandfather was dying, my grandmother was more and more bitter. I was growing tired of throwing dirt on my past and cleaning up the mess alone. All I had were more people with their hands out like birds that could not fly. But the sad part is, I knew they could, they just would not for me. Again, I was nothing to them. I was prepared to go to dust, and be better for it. I had not a single thing genuine in my life at this time but my brother, and he was in jail.

it was around this time I also noticed my wife’s phone blowing up whenever we talked on Skype or even in game. She was texting with a multitude of people, men included that had an interest in her I am sure. Of course I would get more lies games and bullshit. It was my mom, it was my email. All lies. She never let anyone rifle through her phone, she usually had to much dirt on the kind of person she is on it. I never cared, I had my own games and my own agenda, if that’s what she wanted and this is how she wanted us to be, so be it. I didn’t give a shit anymore. She just refused to be anything I wanted unless it was a sexual fantasy that involved her getting all the attention. Far be it from her to come up with an idea of her own, something for me, something to support me, or even a look in my eyes with an I love you or I miss you. All of that shit stopped. Fine by me, she was emotionally the worst relationship I ever had. She was a cold deceiving, calculating rock. You never knew who she really was, what really ever happened to her, what she really wanted. She was a survivor, she did whatever it took to get what she wanted. Whatever it takes.

I was so cold, so shut down. I was just fucking mean at this point. She was starving me I imagine because of the job I made her look for. It cut into her life of using me I guess. The cheap shitty bribes of phony affection were wearing thin, I just couldn’t believe in her anymore. It seemed worse now because I wasn’t even there to catch all the bullshit them 2 being her and Joe were cooking up in their heads. I just wanted out. I wanted them gone. I could not let her go. At the time, I had no idea why.

I made friends with a guy named celo on hizi, I remember him telling me on several occasion from the fits my wife would have to run from that woman. She is not good for me. I used to tell him I married her, that there was good in her and the space was just making her upset. I used to always defend her, even when I hated her. I would not take the blame in our marriage for anything but I would at least always let people know on the outside we were doing ok. My wife however

would run to anyone with an ear on how terrible I was to her, leaving out all the details of how fucking insane and abusive she was to me. Her lies her games her drama her bullshit. I know it was all hers because I never had shit like this in my life since my time in the nation. Those fucking women in there were just as nuts. Combined they may have measured up to my wife, but I doubt it.

Hi got boring and it was time to move on so we picked arma 3 exile. Well I picked it my wife as usual was brain dead whenever it would come for something to do, she only knew what she didn’t want to do and she usually expressed that about 10 seconds before we were about to do it. So that usually made me look like an ass and her the victem, but that was always the way she played it.

May comes and My Grandfather dies, not only Bruce, but my father’s father dies as well. I Handled Bruce and the finals fairly well despite almost no support from my wife. She never offered to come up, she never wanted to be by my side. She barley said I’m sorry for it. I put up with her when both her grandparents died and all her kids and her mother, she couldn’t even offer to come up. That’s when I knew she was fucking around. I would start accusing her off and on but she would lie like she always did and I had no proof. I just began to accept I was becoming nothing to her anymore.

Around this time she was complaining the first bike I got her kids ruined, the second bike she got from a job supposedly got stolen. So I had to order her another one. Not like she drove or anything, not like her kid could get his fn license get a job a car and drive her, no he was too busy leaching off me like his mother. I never got the money for that mower, or her bike, or anything back from any dime I ever paid in to that family, and I never will.

It honestly felt like at this point I was paying money for an overpriced drama laden lying prostitute. I knew she didn’t love me, I stopped loving her. She just wouldn’t let me go. She wanted to make sure I was broken down like her before I did? I don’t know but at this point she still wouldn’t grant a divorce.

She at some point around this time got into a fight with her son Joe and he knocked her around a little bit. I will never know why but I imagine Joe had a good reason, it still doesn’t make it right, but my wife had a way of bringing it out of people. He went off to live somewhere else, and that was all I knew. I felt better with him gone actually, them 2 together was only trouble. My unemployment ran out, and the work was not steady, but at least had the return to fall back on in an emergency.

Noelle of all things hits me up after all these years when she finds out about bruce and at this point I decided to try and bury the hatchet. We been talking off and on ever since, I guess you could call us friends. Odd. Time really does heal all

wounds.

Even me and Kam buried the hatchet. I told her about all the things she said and my reactions to them and she apologized. From there we just became people that catch up once in a while, never to be as close. But that’s fine with me. I don’t think with all in her personal life she could maintain the weight of anything more than that concerning me.

I also got a real bad injury around this time, the worst one ever. I was working on a job when the rug came out from under me literally and I fell forward, both my arms stopped dead on a shelf and my body kept going. It felt like I tore both my shoulders out of socket. I still finished the job and went to urgent care for x rays. This would be the start of a long painful journey of rehab. My wife? I’m sorry is all she said.

June comes around and I get a call out of the blue from my old friend sandy who coincidentally was also the person who salvaged me from Noelle when we broke up all of those years ago. It was good to hear from her again. I really missed her and I changed quite a bit since. I had a lot to tell her. I really needed a friend, and I knew she would be. She really was a tie that binds in a real dismal point in my life. I hoped she would be again. So the months went on like that, and sandy was a great help in my understanding of what I was involved in, what I was doing, and what I needed to do.

Sandy also gave me some jewelry to hold for her because the place she was living in had a bad lock on the door. It was all gold and diamonds, from her mother and father. A pair of earrings, an engagement ring, and a gold ring with emeralds and rubies. I never forgot the gun she gave me, and I always knew I was going to pay her back someday, and I did finally have the chance. The stuff was fucked up pretty bad from use over the years, I took it to really good jeweler and had the earrings cleaned and plated with rhodium, the gold ring had a cleaning and the emerald lost replaced, and the diamond engagement had a cleaning and the arm fixed to hold the solitaire. I kept them in a drawer in my place till one day she came home from work crying uncontrollably. I said I got something that will cheer you up, but it can only happen once. After some thought, and me saying it will be the best day you ever had she agreed. I showed her the jewelry and she cried for I don’t know how long. But it was so awesome to have someone that grateful for such a small tiny thing compared to what i did every day for my wife.

I just knew I was in too deep with all of it. I was drug down so far and convinced this was all I deserved for being so horrible according to my wife for so long. Too long it seems.

I talked to a lawyer. I got the price for the divorce had the paperwork drawn up and set to the side. I just couldn’t deal with it on top of everything going on. I

really didn’t want to lose her, even though she felt like she was gone. Even the lie was enough for me. I needed anything. I was clutching at straws to keep me alive inside. Anyone that could help me was just a blessing, and with all the people in my life telling me how sick my marriage was I really started to hate that woman. Around this time my wife was crying pretty good about being so far behind on the bills I sent her a thousand dollars from the tax money to tide her over for a while, she at least said thank you.

I finally had to bring up the idea of us seeing each other to her, lord only knows she would not. She wanted to come up to pa this time, in retrospect this was probably due to her current living situation with another man. I will never know the truth, and I really do not care if I get it anymore. She wanted to do it for thanksgiving anniversary and stressed she had to stay home for dinner with her kids. Sounded reasonable so we booked it for 2 weeks. She said the usual, Joe would watch the kids and friends would check in on them.

My birthday was nothing special, a few lousy pictures, and a half assed attempt to pay me some attention, I knew she was elsewhere. I just didn’t know how far gone she was, or the depth of her abuse, her underhandedness, or her depravity.