Age 40 and a half part 3- tetelestai.

This will be the last part that covers the entire spectrum, and would not be complete without it. Writing all of this was like the story I read in the bible as a child of Jacob and the angel he wrestled until dawn. Considering what I have written to this point, I would believe now that the angel itself was metaphorical example of his ego, his own inner demon. These writings are my wrestle through the night wdth Vincent, and this chapter, this final chapter shall be its dawn. When I was a child amid all the chaos, there was a time, a very long time my faith was so strong in God, my hope and belief all resided in him. That child was lost in time, Over time he was destroyed by his own faith, but damaged and bruised he was placed in a room and bricked up for safe keeping. This was that child, and whenever I struggle to remember what I was all that long ago, this is the only song I ever loved then and to this day.

How? how did I go from this to what I was? How could I? I think upon all of this looking back it all started with an alignment of storms the sent me out in the abyss, with no protection, no father, no mother, and no love. Age 8 was the abandonment of my dad the entrance of stepfathers abuse, my grandfather dying who was like a father to me, and my mother cut from love due to the birth of my brother. I began searching for a new father, a new mother, protection, guidance and love. People in my life up until age 13 would come and go. Some were father’s some were mother’s some were protectors. Death failure, withdrawal, rejection, all of them would go away. That time and age defines yourself worth, it molds your value, it mold who you are.

Who I was, was not good enough for anyone, so I began to become better by deeds, by amplifying traits of myself, learning crafts and trades, absorbing wisdom wherever I would find it. But the hatred for the damage done was deep. My spirit of the God I had faith in was crushed by an occult following of vengeance destruction, and chaos. Protection came from the darkness, and carried a heavy price. The cost of my very soul. The poisoning of the child written above, the sully of my innocence. Gone forever. My father was replaced by the entity or ego I refer to as Vincent. My mother try as I could never be replaced by any woman. Try as I did, girls never want to mother their men, and then by nurture they control, and control was nothing I ever wanted to have over me


Through the years it was a series of subtle and powerful let downs, Failures of how i thought, felt, reacted, and tried to assimilate into a normal society. Rage ensued and turned to vengeance of women, the world, and the embracing of what gifts I acquired or had all along. That combined with my wisdom made me a powerful ally and an insane person to be intimate with. It wasn’t just insanity though, I still had a heart of me, something inside constantly struggling to get out and repeatedly getting squashed. I was a man trying to do good deeds with the devils tools. What is good is of the light, what is evil is of the darkness. Everything that protected me, loved me, lusted me, used me, abused me over a long course of my life chewed me up and spit me out. It didn’t make me give up, but it sure made me bitter and cynical. Everything was to end, by my hand or another, it was always just a question of who would flinch first.

Very few in my life ever got inside of me, deep. It used to be their testament of life trauma that defined their worth to me. The more they survived, the more valuable I held them, the more I revealed in the hopes of acceptance, understanding, love, and healing. But with each rejection the wound would just get deep and festered further. In retrospect I believe if I had accepted these trials in my life as something meant for a truly greater and divine purpose of the light, my story would be extremely different. But with my rage, rebellion, and revenge infested soul due to the answers never being clearly revealed to me, I rebelled against my creator. In turn i rebelled against all he created, and everything in it. No control of me remember? That’s why I rebelled. That is why my wife’s wants and needs were perceived as control. That is why the anger ensued, and the abuse. I could never be able to truly love with all the bitterness, darkness and hate in my heart. I bricked up the person that could give that, long ago when nobody wanted him.

It was my refusal of belief in the opposite sex, even though my wife was what she was she still cared for me, pampered me, felt inseparable with me, and walked with me to many places nobodies dared to go with me before. We were doing our best, both of us with the knowledge of love we had at the time. I could feel something with my wife, something powerful. It was love, but the man who felt that love and the man who held the family together, supported, protected, and secured was a different man. He would fight the war, and he didn’t want love for it. He wanted to be compensated. My wife would be doing a 2 step for a long lot of years trying to figure that out, believe me I couldn’t either until all of this happened.

Her boys smashed the love I tried to give, then were transferred to Vincent like sacks of shit. This was wrong. Love for a child is not conditional, yet as a stepfather mine was. I never loved them as father should, I never wanted to father

them. I just wanted us to do right by each other, it was to never be except but for kaitlynn. She got every shred of love i had, and even though she was corrected from time to time, she was a child learning and growing. Not in defiance, just in a state of transition between wrong and right. I will never be upset at what she done, or hold anything against her. I still love her very much, and I always will. For now she is in a transition of right and wrong. Lying to me is nothing I will ever be a part of again. She was lucky her heart was never anything sullen or malicious, or she would have taken her place on the row as well. I was truly a bastard for showing them children how not to be a parent, but I have to live with that. Thankfully they do not anymore.

In retrospect I could not understand exactly what happened until now. I thought it was a miracle myself, but it was not. It was me. It was me all along. That night I was giving my .45 a blowjob and paying a wal mart bill, I would have done anything. I knew what happened but I didn’t. Vincent knew what happened. He went to war with my wife for her affections, the same war he fought against anyone else who impeded his will. I remember getting deep into Cody’s ass for stealing from his own family. All along I should have looked at my own ass. You shouldn’t murder your family either. Not for any reason, not under any circumstance. My pain that night was me, that was love. That was my heart, who i bricked up. Vincent killed my wife, I was under a lie she did not want me, I believed my own self doubt, my own bullshit. I believed my worst enemy to be my best friend. Vincent was not love, he was not protection, he was vengeance in it’s most evil fashion. He murdered my wife’s heart for me. If he could not keep it, he would destroy it. So he did. He never even let me try until it was far to late, and she was far too gone.

By the morning (as a biblical metaphor, in real life this took some time. A lot of forward and backward.) I had survived my avenging angel, just me. Through time and strength and the most unbelievable pain I had in my entire life, I had enough. I had enough of me against the world with Vincent, I had enough of being constantly assured I would never be accepted for who I was. I awoke from my sleep with guns blazing, hell bent on saving my marriage, and getting that acceptance, giving what she was begging me for years. This did not come easy, or overnight. I had to sever all ties with an amazing number of things that I used to take the focus off myself and justify all my actions, wrong or right.

With my ego finally at bay, I thought to b vanquished, but every now again he is still trying to convince me I will never be happy without him. I will not survive. So far I think I am doing ok like this. I feel pain yes, all the time. But I also smile, love, feel joy, laugh. I mean I really laugh. I laugh like a dork but I laugh. I smile now in the presence of warmth, sometimes just thinking about warmth. My road was not easy, and is far from over.

It all began with my journal, showing it to Sarah. My wife had no idea of it until months later. I told her what it was for and she suggested to just use it to get all the garbage out me, the pain, baggage I was carrying. See how I feel after. I took her advice, and I am better for it for now. The more I wrote, the better I felt. These events are not who I am, they may not even be exactly how other seen it happen, but that ok, it’s how I viewed it, it was my mind, as sick or as smart as it was, along with the emotions I felt at the time. I began it in a third person sense, such as on old man reading a story he never read. But I began to practice a kind of meditation that would put everything back into my head. The emotions especially. So when I was writing about anything, I was there. I was right there in my body going through all the thoughts, the feelings, even the smells and tastes, and the physical pain. You can actually tell how drastically my disposition changed when i felt betrayed by my wife. It was a night and day reaction.

I had never walked this far away from Vincent in so long, maybe never. With him on the high side of the see saw, I began to understand. I was holding on to this out of vengeance, his vengeance. My heart was sick of the sorrow, I forgave all of it, even him for what I allowed him to do. I should have woke up, I had not the strength at that time, or enough pain to fight my way out. I think in retrospect it was the latter, not the former. All of my fathers are dead, except for Jim, my mother husband. The man became my father years ago, I always loved him. I always respected him, and he was always nothing but there for me. That issue solved itself. It was all thanks to my mother’s faith and eventual hope to be good mother and an amazing wife that made that possible. I guess my mother was also on her own path of finding the good in herself.

  1. was still missing a mother, a mother I begged for in every woman I was with but yet hated them for it at the same time. The difference between power is control versus manipulation. Neither would ever rule over me again. Nurturing however is easily confused for the 2 former, especially by myself. I created my own paradox. I was no longer an introvert, I abused my environment for it. I couldn’t figure it out, so fuck it I’ll destroy it and maybe it can rebuild itself to suit me.

Ego, a powerful thing. But what about my mother now?

As I was seeking her for spiritual guidance and understanding daily, I started to feel better, whether I agreed or not, I could not figure out why. It was because my mother loved me unconditionally, and proved it with all i had told her. I was a horrible bastard of a rotten man, I destroyed my wife, my union, and pissed all over my vows, remember, I was not here to figure out what my wife fucked up, just what I did. I had my share. No doubt. Should a person’s actions condemn them to the abyss? I don’t think so, but then again everyone is not me, and not everyone can love like I do. Nobody can fathom the depth until they hate that deep. It’s just how it is.

I had a mother again, it was my mother. As it always should have been. I love you mom, I love everything you have done for me, and all you continue to do. All that you are and all that you could ever be. Your love for me has finally completed a void in my heart that nothing would fill since I was a child, you read all this you know i tried like hell. I can only hope my brothers give you the exact same chance i did, for hate is the disease that executes our very soul.

What i read of spiritual cleansing is it does exactly what it says. It is a removal of rejection and bitterness. The 2 biggest scars on my heart. These spirits grow, they grow and they retain the power of the previous rejections and become this giant thing that envelopes you. You have to slay it like a fucking dragon, or a Vincent, Bitterness then withers from lack of food and turns to dust. From there the body has the power to heal the mind and soul. I can tell you where it started, and what made me see this through to the end. I will type this out, because I believe it will help a heel of a lot more people than me. the book is called a more excellent way, the author is Henry Wright. My eyes still cry whenever I read this, if you are or have been afflicted, you have been warned, you will too.

Ministry model for a father’s love

How to minister healing to those who were not loved by their fathers

  1. To minister healing, you need a man who is willing to represent god the father and show his love for this person, be sensitive to the holy spirit.
  2. Introduce yourself to the person receiving ministry
  3. Greet the person using his or her name.

-1, as your Christian brother, am going to take responsibility this day for a father would not or could not say, “I love you”

-Will you forgive your father for not telling you he loved you?

– Can you come to the place where you forgive your father for the things he did or did not do? Release your father to God to deal with his issues. Release him and forgive him.

-In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I release you from that pain. We ask the holy Spirit come and heal your broken heart, and when He does, fear that entered when your heart was broken, has to go.

-This day you will hear these words in your heart:

“I love you”

“I am glad you were born”

“I am proud of you”

“You are a good son/daughter”

Great now I can’t see, be right back…

That was it, that’s what made me see it through. That man hit something in me. the more I read the more I felt the shit just go. The more I wrote my trauma and hate out the more I said goodbye to it. My mother love reached me, Sarah’s love and nurturing rebuilt me, Justin’s love reminded me I am a good person, I was just lost for a long time. Don’t get me wrong I am not perfect or angelic by any means. I am just a guy who decided that my love was a thing to be reborn, Not my life in hate, bitterness, lack of forgiveness, and vengeance. Through my heart I have regained control of myself for the most part (it’s still a struggle against my stronger adversaries.)

As I now search for my spiritual roots and where to plant them again, many questions resurface. Does Vincent have a place anymore, I really have nothing more to fight for. My life has become so much easier. I mistake it sometimes for boredom. The ball in my heart that only sex could relieve is gone, I don’t stress near as I used to. With the conquering of my rejection I now realize, what I want does not have to want me too. Someone someday will want me whatever I am whatever I shall become. The best and the worst. Turns out that someone has been Sarah. I almost think she was placed in my life by divine destiny. Somebody was looking out for me that saw this coming long before I even fathomed it possible.

The chaotic and the arcane is something I do not practice and have not since I left the nation, and I am not sure if Christianity will accept my sexuality as I enjoy it very much. I am certainly not rushing to get further when I was with my wife, I just have priorities I need to sort and I certainly do not wish to go backward. I no longer see things as sexy weirdly enough. I see them as beautiful throughout, or sullen and broken. I no longer see myself as a fixer, more like a completion, the last piece of someone’s jigsaw puzzle, maybe hidden under a chair. There are the ones who look for me, and the ones who give up. I have no more use for the quitters. They are shallow, I will not be anymore. I will never quit again.

I have no idea what I am to become from here yet, but I know it will be better than anything I ever was, and if not for all that was done back there, I would have never even bothered to travel. I suppose I should thank everyone for that, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ll settle for a prayer in my thought and a blessing of joy and happiness to all who are still alive, and still lost. For I am still lost, I just now have a brighter light to find my way home.

tetelestai- for those wondering, I’ll save you the google/The word tetelestai was written on business documents or receipts to show that a bill had been paid in full. “It is finished” (Tetelestai) could be interpreted as “Paid in full.” The debt

has been sealed as paid! In the Bible’s Gospel of John 19:30 Jesus utter this last word on the cross, “Tetelestai” (It is Finished).

It is. It is finished. My debt has been paid in full. This is my truth, this is who I was, this is who I am, this where I will go. This is why I am absolved of my past, and will rebuild my future. Even if I go to an early death, I did this right. I did this one thing right. May you all find rage through my despair, and fight for what has been denied to you from birth. Yes, but also know, through all of this, there is still redemption for those who search their own hearts, minds, and souls. You may not go on clean and perfect, but you can go on with love, joy, and warmth.

One of my favorite movies had a quote in it that said, ” If you make a mistake and get all tangled up, you just tango on.” and so i shall. For now, for today, and tomorrow. I can live with that.

Age 40 and a half part 2- Shelter from the storm

My wife said to me on many occasion tell the truth for once. You hide things, you lie about things, why don’t you tell the truth? The answer which I never gave her was because my wife never did either. Two wrongs never made a right this is true, and although I cannot amend what I have done or be forgiven by her for it, I can until the very end of this, not only make a point to be truthful to my wife, but also to Sarah and my family and friends. I made strong bonds with people due to my truth over the years, and my ability to go above and beyond being there for them, guiding, providing, whatever. I have also been able to prove while I write all of this, my wife cannot tell the truth to save her life, our marriage, our love, or what she professes to be love. Since love is forgiveness among many other things, anyone who cannot forgive me does not love me. Anyone that can break destroy or remove that love once placed was never a person I even wanted to have. So as she has seen my truth, as I finally break my silence on her faults, Sarah’s faults, and my own in the 3rd part. I noticed a funny thing. My wife rejecting me, rejecting who I am, rejecting what I am, rejecting how I think, rejecting me and Sarah coming closer.

Whatever she did love was obviously not all of me. Even before she announced what she wanted, I was in no way capable of loving her for all she was, I resented her. But as she removed the things I did like, my love dwindled and removed. I suspect as I removed my financial support, hers did the same. Through my growth I was able to recognize she never really loved me then, we never knew how either of us. As I grow and as I learn, I can now. I can’t blame her for not growing, other than to say life’s choices are so much easier with something new. Either way she does not and cannot love what I am now, I myself am still in love with who she was, but she is not even who she was now. So my wife has died, I have died and been reborn, and she will not even glance at me at this point. I don’t even think we could connect anymore at all. I am in love with a dream I had all my life, I tried to place it in her because she asked to be molded by me. She would not wear it, and although that makes me sad and full of woe and grief, it gives me the acceptance I need to forget it and move on.

The group that Sarah was involved in was what i consider a lighter social BDSM group. A couple of really good admins, and some decent and respectful people. Always a pile of idiots here and there, little of the tar and feather crowd, the usual. So few of us left, you know. D/s is as ancient a practice and follows all the
back to the bible itself and beyond. The suffrage moment, woman’s lib etc.. they have not had equal rights for that long, hell the black man has had more rights for longer if you think about it. 2 generations ago woman’s work was a common word. I know because my grandmother still says it. D/s in its pure form without all the kink and stupid crap you see in pornography and movies, is just what it is on its face. A decision maker, a patriarch, a hand that wills the home. The strength, the provider, the protector, the front line. The submissive is the support and execution of the dominant’s will, realizing that they are as the bible describes the weaker vessel.

By weak this does not mean they are inferior, it means without a supporting role in the relationship, not a leading role, they are not operating to their best potential. This is not the way every relationship should be mind you, this is what some people still accept, still believe, and still practice. It’s as basic a core as any belief, you believe in it because it works, it fulfills your life, it completes you. I have had the joy of running the majority of my relationships in a D/s fashion, Kink or no kink, protocol or not. I told myself a long time ago no one person would ever control me again. For most of my life I was able to stick to that belief, and all of views on any BDSM subject stem from that core. Some are better at leading some are better at following. It’s just the way it is. The way it always was.

However, this yin and yang is a dangerous commitment, should one fail or falter the other half does as well with any union, the scales move out of balance. The biggest problem I have found to do this is jealousy. From outside sources, the sub, even the dom. Sometimes they don’t want to be the first through the door catching bullets, sometimes they are too tired to lead the charge. This is actually where the submissive is more powerful, only she know the magic words, the magic touch, the words to make him want to get up and fight on. She’ll even carry him if she has to. Her whole world is invested in this man, her role is to be the very glue that holds him together, and makes him want to fight on. When a submissive loses her role, it is a much harder loss due to the belief and faith she had in a failing dom. She faults herself for his shortcomings, and blames herself for the lack of ability to correct them. This will lead to suicidal thoughts and bout of depression. Self worth also comes into question. Starting to see why this commitment is so serious and life long? They agree to be symbiotic with each other. It’s an amount of faith and trust immeasurable in most typical relationships. Sharing that point of view can be scary to people, people hate and destroy what they can never acquire or understand. It’s human nature.

When I was responding to Sarah’s post, I was not even talking from my current situation with my wife. It was a terrible example. I spoke in what I was originally spoken to of, the long chats into the night of our nobility, our duty, our pride. We are the saviors of the lost, we are the penance to their pain, we are the lovers of the lost, the damaged, the hopeless. We are the last of the nobility, we are not found, we are not trained, we are chosen. We are chosen by our destiny and path

in life. We can deny what we are or learn to embrace it. Those ones, those ones were the ones she was looking for. Certainly not I, not now, not anymore. I was nothing but a broken down bookcase with old dusty books no one wanted to read anymore. The old man of hot air the kids laugh at and imitate with funny faces. The coot. Kind of took me by surprise when she was following me around after that.

I’d comment she’d either like it, or like and comment on it. Really anywhere I posted. Almost like I had a fan. I had a few here and there, but there was just something more in the way she wrote, a desperation in it. Like a sinking into the mire, and nobody but me noticing. Don’t get me wrong it was well covered up and incredibly hard to spot, but I can tune into the way people say things sometimes, it’s a familiar voice or face I can never place. Like a deja vu’

We audio chatted on facebook and Skype, sort of became casual chat buddies. No sex, no flirting, no picture swapping. Mostly interacted in the group speaking and replying on various subjects. I am not much of a social butterfly, I usually only take on one new face at a time. Wait a while, see if they pass. People usually do when they find out your married or you’re not interested in them. Sarah knew from the rip, I mentioned my wife and submissive on a number of occasions, but never really used us as an example or circumstance. At the time and the way things were, i didn’t have much to share. A few weeks pass, and she’s still around, talked to a few prospective Dom type on fetlife and in the group, nothing panning out much more than your usual wanna-be freak off the leash. I used to always complain about the same shit, I missed my old crew, i really did, I had no idea what this world has become since, corny shallow half baked traditions and modern morals and women ruling it all. Submissive or Dom female, they seem to all talk like they found a way. The modern requirement seems to be turn in your balls to your sub and she’ll lie to everyone about how sub she is and how Dom her man is. Just all wrong.

Kinksters also tend to confuse themselves as a Dom when they are just a top. Throwing a whip at the right angle is not dominance, it’s kink, nothing more. Knowledge on specialty kink? flame cupping say, devices, cutting? Still a top.

Your just a top. Deal with it. Sadly, that is most of what you see. So my wife who was also failing to share that belief got me to thinking, here I am training someone who doesn’t want anything more than kink, Sarah has little to no serious or exotic kink but wants the kind of thing I instill. It was like the chocolate truck crashed into the peanut butter truck. The best part was, she wasn’t looking for anything out of me than what i was willing to give. It just made sense at the time in my head. Granted my head was not in the best place either, I was suffering from loneliness, depression, rejection, loss and abuse. I was a ship battered at sea, with no port of harbor.

Everything I tried to do failed, Friends, my brother, Justin, nothing was pulling me out of this. I kind of accepted my fate at the time. A failure. Nothing more. But just because i failed with what I had did not mean somebody else couldn’t do better with my toolbox. Sarah could be that one. She was passive, she was respectful, she is a nurse. She cares for people with dementia in an old folks home, even a member of her own family. She had a strong mother ethic, extremely domestic. Talked a lot about her family and interacting with all of them. I never had that much interaction with my own. It showed me she believed in the family unit, and the support of it as a whole. Fully independent, and yet incomplete. She has a grown son, a middle daughter, and a young son. Oldest was going to school, the daughter is pretty active in the social circle with friends, and the youngest son is a sensitive addicted to you tube. I’m a bit of a curiosity to him, and oddly from time to time Sarah says he seeks my approval from time to time.

She needed all the work my wife refused to carry on, and I needed something to fight for. I needed to be a reason on this planet other than a payout and old lady taxi driver. She wanted what was in my head, and in what little heart I had left. It was valued, it was correct to someone for once. There was something more to sense in her though. Some kind of armor. It was tough. Like a street tough I have never seen in a woman I had any kind of interest in. All of mine were meek minus my wife, but this was different still. Maybe a standard defense every single mom has with no good man to allow them to be a girl again. It really was as good a fit as it was going to get, someday my wife would need to be taken care of, someday I would have to work anyway, at some point my wife will want me again, I refused to believe she was gone. I refused to believe I was gone. I couldn’t tell you how many time we were together and all anyone had to say was they could tell we loved each other very much. It had to come back. It just had to. She owed me that much at least. Meantime however, maybe I could stall my plans of wiping myself out and pass on something of me to someone who wanted to carry it.

I was the one who presented the idea to Sarah first, she was going to be a permanent fixture I just didn’t know where the line would be. I figured the worst she could say is fuck no fuck off, and that be it. She said yes before i even finished the question, almost like a groupie who got a date with the lead singer of her favorite band. I was pretty taken back, I couldn’t remember the last time anyone was doe eyed in my presence. I was just there. It’s hard for me to say no to that, I hate when the honeymoon phase in the relationship dies. Sad part is it never dies on my end until my partner ends up killing it. I am who i am from the beginning and throughout until I get damaged beyond repair. Up to this point I could never be repaired. No woman as hard as they ever tried ever has. Very few could reach through my walls and touch my heart, or my cinder block room with the me nobody wanted bricked up from the rest of the world. Whenever my wife saw it, she squashed it like a bug.

I then went to my wife and did what I had to do to iron out a contract. Then me

and Sarah went to work. We spent the next week or 2 writing out her rigid schedule, planning time for her schooling, family, me, workshops, essay’s, even books and regular sessions of self pleasure activities. Girls got to be tended to somehow when she doesn’t have a man, or else they forget it’s there I think. Sarah gave up on being a girl, so I thought it be a nice change to get that back together as well. Makeup, dress, I loved doing all this shit with my wife, it was fun with her too. Something started to happen to me, I began to smile again. I even laughed a time or 2. She was actually funny, she was interesting, she had stories. She had quite a life. She listened to me, even asked deeper into me. She wanted to know me too, not just the D/s stuff. So I began to talk to her, sometimes way too much, but it was so long since I spoke to anyone and we gelled. Not since me and Justin. We were on a level with each other, we both knew what it was like to be around people who used us. We both had our hearts broke, we both had independent strength, we were also both abusers at points in our lives. We both needed an absolution from that I think in retrospect.

We saw the value to each other, we found each other special. Sarah was one of a kind in her own right, just like my wife. Both very different, it really amazed me how well they would have complimented each other. As a prospect she was also officially in the dynamic, but not in a sexual fashion. The wife wanted that to be strictly separated, I had no problem with that. I never even saw what Sarah looked like until I had to present the idea to my wife, I figured she would want a picture at least. I did think once a week at least a meet would be in order to see if they could get any closer or all of us as a whole. This is where it started to get bad. I would spend the whole week selling my wife and how great we were to Sarah, then Friday would come and my wife would have an attitude or start throwing a fit. Arguing with me over shit that Sarah should have never even heard. It seemed like my wife was trying to make it look like she was in control of me. Of course this raised questions in Sarah.

She would ask me, at first I tried to defend my wife, she’s just having a bad day, she’s got some issues, we’re going through a lot right now, the usual thing the abused say so they are not embarrassed for staying in the kind of relationship they have. By this time she was introduced to Justin, and Justin started hearing the stories too. He really had enough of the wife shit over the years, so he started in me, then Sarah would tell me what I heard for years, the wife is going to destroy you if you stay with her. I was the usual reply of she’s my wife, she’s what I married, better or worse, even though it worse right now, it has to get better. It became Sarah’s main interest to figure out why I was with my wife, and why I endured all she put me through. I told her all the shit I did, I hit her sometimes we fought, I get angry a lot, I would be verbal degrading nightmare, I would build her and tear her down. We hid things from each other, the more I talked the more she asked, the worse it got. I just couldn’t hide it anymore, she was too close. She knew what was going on, and she stayed.

As the wife spiraled down and after every fight she had with me, Sarah would be there. She listened, she never judged. She never spoke ill of my wife, I would not tolerate it. That was untouchable, she was her domina, like it or not. If she wanted me she had to take my wife, no exceptions. The more she stayed, the higher she lifted me, the stronger I became, the worse my wife got. She did not want her husband being a Dom to her again. She worked long and hard to brainwash me into thinking how wrong I was in what I believed. It’s ok, she didn’t believe it because I guess she figured if she couldn’t follow me, no one would. Once she found out Sarah would, it became her goal to tear us apart. Putting not only her collar, but our entire marriage on the line. The bigger the defiance, the less I wanted to be around her. She was pushing herself away in anger. She had to look at someone who was getting kudos, adoration, praise, and pride from a man she wanted it from. She wanted me to give it to her, like her collar, like her hand in marriage, why work for it when you can throw temper tantrums till you get it to shut up? Sarah was earning it, workshop by workshop, picture after picture, she kept her house in order, her kids with time, her schooling, her job, her D/s. I was really proud of her, like a sponge or a duck in water.

After my wife left me i honestly did not know what to expect, I figured Sarah would go. Without her it was just me, and like my wife thought me garbage I assumed she would too. She however, did not. The night I first went up to see her I called, she was at work. I said i don’t have anywhere to go and she invited me up to thanksgiving with her family. I was not in the mood or any condition for a family meet but if she could make me smile through a pc, I had to wonder what she could do in person. If i was going to lose, I was going to lose big. All or nothing. It was a slow painful trip up there that is for sure. I felt so empty, so cold. I was exhausted and shot full of tears. But I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop shaking. We were speaking on the phone to each other for around 10 min before I pulled in. It was freezing up there, she was waiting on the porch. From the looks of her probably a lot longer than 10 minutes. I saw her in my mirror walking across the street to me. She came out to me, just wow she came out to me. I met her at the back of my van, I wasn’t quite what i was going to do till she got about 2 feet in front of and in a millisecond I knew through the depths of my very heart she was not only straight up the whole way from the rip in honesty, she was smiling at me. Smiling at me. I kissed her with a kiss that shook the ground we stood on.

I felt life, I felt a heart, beating like I never had in years. I felt a warmth in the winter like a sunshine on a beach in the morning with a cool breeze on you. It was right then i knew not only did I love this woman, I could bond to this woman. It was right then, right there, I knew she was a keeper. The first night we discussed a few things, mainly the D/s dynamic. I explained that we need to redefine what we are now. She was no longer kept in a certain place or position, no longer would a line be drawn, no longer did my wife have any kind of say on what we do, she has moved on. If we are actually going to have a solid partnership, the only way it’s done is the bottom up. We need to just be together for now, see how we do. Go from there. She agreed and all protocol was laid to the side. I was me, she was her. I spent the first night getting hammered and crying, with Sarah comforting me the whole way, because she knew how much I loved my wife, she knew who she was to be, she knew she would have to shoulder this grief with me, the grief of a broken, regret filled man. No other woman i ever had including my wife would ever make a choice like that. To love one and carry a broken heart by another. It was the strangest feeling I ever had.

I was a different man getting out of that van. After that night of suicide attempts and wal mart shopping for her man I was different. I had all these emotions back I didn’t know what to do with. I could feel again. All of them rushing around. I felt the love and loss of my wife again, it was a powerful feeling. My love for Sarah was skin deep before that night, it was logical, it was a deep respect and an adoration for how she respected and treated me. After that night right when i got out of the van to meet her, That kiss I truly felt, fell, and had an emotional and soul binding love for this woman. No bullshit, not this time.

Thanksgiving day with her family was an extremely nervous experience. Her family knew I was married, they knew Sarah was a part of this poly, they were not informed yet my wife left me for another man. I had no idea what they would think of me. Strange how well received i was. Her family is a load of nice people.

It was so long since I watched a woman just be a woman. Parking all the food brought, getting the men to get tables and chairs, setting things up, cooking, chasing tons of kids. All in love, no screaming just smiles and laughs. Reminded me of my family when we were on bridge street. I didn’t feel home, but this was defiantly the best place to be for me from the cold and the storm outside in the world. I could rest here, and I did. First time in a long time I spent most of my time drunk or high, Sarah would try to slow me down, but even she knew it wasn’t happening. Sometimes it’s all you have to kill the pain, and I refused to mope around while my wife was laughing in the isles at the damage done to me.

She was extremely comforting and consoling, nurturing. She really didn’t have to be, in fact I still do not know of any woman who would be. She prayed for me, she showed my all her bags of stones, some were for me, some were for my wife and her prayer of her approval, some were for all of us. I built an appreciation for a woman of spiritual faith, my wife never prayed for a fucking thing ever. I never even seen her struggle to grow spiritually. Even though we believed differently, just the fact she believed and was willing to share that belief with me was totally new. The next night as I waited on her windowsill, smoking and staring at my phone. I thought maybe, just maybe I would get a call. Maybe she would change her mind, Maybe. I would have left then and there to get her, truly. Not because me and Sarah were doing so bad or anything, but because first and foremost she was my wife, and she had a lot of confusion about me and Sarah. Sometimes she would say the meanest shit and when she calmed down, started thinking

rationally she would miss me, come back. But not this time, this time she spent our anniversary in another man’s arms, and so did I. Shelter from the storm.

The wife comes in and starts blowing up my phone with her bullshit, the drinking got rid of most of that, my days with Sarah were walking by her and just hugging, holding, just hours of hold me so tight so I do not fall, her smiling response was easy to read. I will carry this man, I will carry this man because he is worth it. I was worth it. Not my wallet, not my deeds, not my sacrifice. Me as I was broken hearted and piss drunk with sadness. I was worth it.

The wife gave me the chance to go home and work it out, I took it. She was my wife, divorce or not, back door man or not, liar or not, she was my wife. I was a servant to that vow. In all our times of hardship it seemed some days the only thing I hung on to. She could have just hinted to wanting to work this out and I would have done anything to go home to my wife. I would have drove straight to Texas. All she had to do was take one look at my face in real life, she would have known. When I contacted Sarah and told her to back off until we sort this, it may not be now, tomorrow or ever I could have her back but my wife comes first, Sarah always knew that. No matter who she was or how she acted, my wife came first. She agreed with a heavy heart and for a day I began to work something new with my wife. Just me, no bullshit. I spoke to her in forgiveness, my sorrow and guilt, love and adoration. I was not going to fuck this up, whatever she wanted. I was even willing to back out of D/s and drop anyone she never liked for any reason, even if it was bullshit. I began to realize nothing was worth losing her, not even my respect or pride. I should have fought back over shit so stupid. I should have valued the marriage for what it was, priceless.

After the betrayal yet again I just had to accept it was over, and go on. She didn’t want me, Sarah still did. So naturally me and Sarah grew much closer over time. She has faithfully slept with me together or apart by phone or in bed, every day since this. After all that happened I could not sleep alone. I would see images of my wife, the pain of the loss, anxiety and panic would get in me, But hearing her breathe even on the phone would calm me, it give me something warm to focus on, and we would talk deep into the night. I went up again for a few days in mid December, the wife would send me texts full of hate and foul. Sometimes I would respond sometimes not. Sometimes I just got so pissed I fired back with the ugliest shit that ever came out of my mouth. But she was supposed to be fucking gone, it’s what she wanted. Just fucking go then. Why make all this bullshit trouble? She’d send me text on her cell, on her texting online accounts, it was just so silly. She would not speak to me or see me, I thought it was because she was scared I’d convince her to change her mind, but it was because Daniel was unpacking and settling in.

So for this trip[ the best day was when I went with her family and we picked out a

Christmas tree, cut it down and went back to her place with a couple of pizzas. New York? pizza is bad ass forget about it! We were right by Woodstock to, home of bob Dylan. The Catskills are just gorgeous, the woods are pretty, and the creeks are everywhere, even one behind Sarah’s house. I love being near water, it soothes me. It always did, even in England. Her family was so nice, I really liked these people, they treated me with respect, curiosity, and fair. More than fair. I went home with a plan to come back soon for Christmas, I still had my grandmother to look after and a bunch of jobs to do in between so at least I was going to stay busy.

The third trip was amazing despite it all. I just had no one to talk to but Sarah, she read and listened to everything that was happening. I kept no secrets, I said no lies about I felt. I love my wife, I forgive my wife, and if there was a way to put it back together I would in a heartbeat. Christmas was a prime example of that. Here I was with Justin and Sarah her whole family and I’m spending most of my days talking to kaitlynn and begging the wife for forgiveness and understanding. She was very abusive, I had to go in a room or a quit place to cry here and there, I stayed fucked up most of the time so it wasn’t too hard, and with my family around I certainly did not feel overwhelmed. It was good to have Justin there.

All things have a shoe to drop, a new something or other, a part people tend to hide when they can. This was to be no perfect story. Nothing ever is. We were all drinking one night and playing a game, the wife was blowing up the phone as usual and well, she’s my wife I had to respond. Even if it was nasty i was still trying to be her husband, just give her some peace, a happy heart, the ability to move on , or come back, whatever she wanted. I would have done anything but what she did to me, force me to sit in the middle of her chaos, abuse, and indecision. Sarah was getting fed up with it. She was getting angry and the drinking didn’t help much. At this point she hated my wife and wanted to kill her. Out of respect for me, she usually bit her tongue, but not tonight. A card in the game came up as a truth question, the question was had I ever thought about an ex while having sex with another person, Sarah answered yes for me right away, what a surprise my wife thought the same fucked up shit. I didn’t get mad, didn’t bitch, i just left the table and went upstairs.

Sarah comes up and throws herself at my feet, begging me for forgiveness of what she said, I was surprised, she hates feet and finds them disgusting. Not mine apparently. Kind of a shame though, I give one hell of a foot massage. It was there i told her i gave my wife a hundred the night i was going to shoot myself. She lost it, like bad. She went out screaming and was downstairs yelling extremely loud and aggressive. Way to much to drink. We all did. I stumbled out to the van. That was usually my first reflex, Something was going to get thrown at me or I was getting hit, run. She came out and screamed at me on the street started throwing all my shit in the van. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was in old me mode. I had to think, what did I used to do? I used to believe in the power of my love, and the

genuine truth of the love from my partner. Love is forgiveness, I need to forgive her, I need to understand her pain, her sorrow, I need to embrace it, and I need to let her know that I value our relationship more than anything, more than a petty squabble. I trusted in her having the same feelings.

I held her face I looked her into my eyes, and I said I am sorry I do not want to leave, if you really believe in what we are then let’s fix this. It worked, we did. Not a punch thrown by me, not an object hurled by me, no pushing no yelling no cursing, and it was not forced. It was natural. That was the first night i really new, I was different. Sarah got way to loud, way to vulgar, and busted a shot glass. I wasn’t anywhere near her though, and i could understand. She was taking on more than any woman would for any man, let alone a bum like me. I then also knew if I could do this with Sarah, I could do this with my wife. It’s what i should have stayed doing all along. Damn my pride. Damn my ego. The next day was her at work and me cleaning her whole house top to bottom, even did her laundry. Justin was so in the bag he couldn’t move, Hell I worked on a hangover before, its what men do you know. She came home with a look of awe I ain’t never seen on a woman, especially at me. No man ever done anything like that for her before. Me? hell it was nothing. My wife would get pissed when i cleaned and yank shit out of my hand and yell at me to sit down while she’s scrubbing and bitching away. I mean why bother if it’s like that? but no never a thank you, just i didn’t have to do that. I know i didn’t so thank me for helping you. Try that shit.

The rest of the week was shaky, Sarah was reaching her limit with the wife and the texts, Justin was telling me to make a choice. At this point I was in the position if Sarah is forcing my choice she is no better than my wife. I was not going out of the frying pan into the fire. I would rather stick to plan a and just end it. If she wanted me she would to endure this. My wife was undecided, claiming she was single and Daniel was just a friend she was sick for months and living with her kids struggling. If Daniel promised to take care of her and dropped her, what a fucking loser he was. Shit gets hot and he hauls ass huh? Great guy. wonderful. My wife had a choice anytime to say the words the entire time i was there, all she was trying to do was convince me to go home early. I told her if she pulled her divorce, I’d know she was serious. She gamed with me to much to this point. She never did, I stayed till it was time to go.

Leaving was a little shaky, bitter sweet. I knew Sarah had some serious anger issues to work on, but I felt she would pull through it. She carried me this far, I did not think she would let that get in the way, and for a while she didn’t. Justin has his puddle jumper cancelled on him twice, I ended up driving him to Philly. I had to hold back some major tears seeing my wife in the lavender dress in the window, walking down the steps. Like a dream. Talking to kaitlynn at the same time really didn’t help emotionally, I just wanted to fall apart. But I held it together and made it home.

By January I felt comfortable enough we could love who each other was, with or without D/s so I prospected her again, this time without anything of my wife injected into it. We rewrote all of our agreements and even changed a few to suit each of us better as we were growing. I took her to her first high end salon, even got her a makeup class. A girl needs to be a girl once in a bit, if she was going to be with me she would be more than presentable, just what i expect from all my submissives. She had an amazing makeover, and seeing her done up just melted my heart. She was gorgeous. Over time she changed a few things per my direction, altered her demeanor, her speech, her habits, her attitude. As i was discovering and changing in my journey, I also saw her following in most areas. The biggest change I made was the thank yous. Instead of thank you I preferred her to say i am happy, or you make me so happy. Never in 10 years had i ever heard either. It was a nice change.

The long distance or LDR was also ironed out. We started to have a more serious sex life whether i was there or home here. She has quite an intense libido, It’s been hard to keep our hands off of each other. I love getting my back scratched, due to my shoulders I have been able to in months. She adores me, and man I love being adored. Just makes me want to do more in return, as it should be in all relationships , I would think. She also curbed her drinking considerably, probably to combat the temper. I told her she was covering a symptom, not the problem.

It was at this time I began my serious devotion to the restoration of myself, and the possible repair of my marriage. I told Sarah I needed the time, I told her to let me go and keep to her schedule. If she wanted to wait it was up to her, but I had no idea how long this was going to take, maybe never. I had to try. So as I cut everyone off including Sarah, I began to focus on my issues and what I did to destroy my marriage. Sarah held true to her orders, day in and day out. My wife wasn’t concerned with anything but being friends, and lying about her status with Daniel. She managed to tell me at one point thank god we would never be husband and wife again. I understood, cried, wished her all the best and left it alone. I didn’t want her as a friend, not after all her games and lies. If she was to be my wife were going to commit to being honest with other, no more secrets, no more lies and we were going to never be apart again, i would see to that no matter what it took. Never apart again.

After a few days I realized there was no point in leaving Sarah out, who gave a fuck what my wife thought, she was leaving, she wanted to be nothing to me. Her opinion was moot. So by the early of February I made another trip, again the wife blowing up my phone when she found out where I was. But this time she was different, she was talking a possible poly again. She was confused she said undecided. I would have to wait a decision. My wife said Sarah would never go for

it, I had faith in it. Sarah came into all this with my wife, She knew how i felt about my love for her and my forgiveness, growth and possible restoration I would have given anything up for. If this was possible, this was going to be right. Whatever it took. Sarah collapsed, she lost it. I guess she thought it was over, hell even I did. But with this from my wife I couldn’t say fuck you too bad, I loved her very much.

I emailed my wife the news she was right, and I was heartbroken to believe that Sarah was less than what she claimed she was. Of course my wife was happy to lay into Sarah over this, and in return for me breaking Sarah’s trust she withdrew her submission, made me delete all I had done with her, schedules, rules, all of it. It was over. I was as fine as i could be with that, I would not be in another relationship of lies. Sarah mended it with a few days later, but I never took her submission back since. I needed her to prove to me she would follow me into hell, or be nothing. I would no longer take a submission for anything less than my will executed in full, whether it’s wrong or right, whether you like it or not. Sarah had a long way to prove that shit after this last episode.

Over time the wife tried to convince me she was closer to me, but since kaitlynn had her phone cloned I already knew better. I started to get the picture. She was using me to fill a void she had, she was in with Daniel, his family, her new friends through her son and Daniel. She wasn’t dropping all that new attention and everything she needed. She was just trying to convince me to stay in her life to some agreeable point, even sexually if she had to. She just wanted me to stay around, nothing more. Didn’t mean she wouldn’t lie through her teeth to convince me though, man she did.

My next trip up was valentine’s day. We had a great night, but the error that was done on both our parts loomed a bit. We still put it aside and I had one of the best nights on valentines I did in years. For the first time in ten years, my wife would be somewhere else and so was I. It was at that point, that night between all her lies and my night with Sarah, my feelings for my wife began to fade into the acceptance of the finality. I still had hope she would change, I still remained as sweet as i could to her ignorant ass, even when she wouldn’t answer me for hours, and like usual never spent any serious time with me, this was just worse. I knew every day, it was a fucking lie. This time I knew it though, I finally had the proof.

Sarah worked diligently on herself, she got aligned and began to follow my lead on all aspects, whether she wanted to or not, Even when she didn’t she never made it a point to indicate that to me unless I asked. I was extremely impressed. Even when my wife was complaining still on Sarah writing things on her fetlife profile and facebook. The pictures I posted of us together, she took all of it down just like I did, because I asked her to. Not even under a collar, I am so proud of her. My wife since had repeatedly talked shit on facebook, public and private.

even texted Sarah ugly. Sarah has responded with respect, because I told her to. She keeps her thoughts, written opinions, and what she physically wants to do to her out of my mind. She follows my will, That is submission.

February was us growing even with growing pains, temper on her would flare, but I would remain understand, I would not fight back. I would not get defensive, I would remain calm. If I am truly different, I have to prove it in every aspect of my life, with everyone. Sarah was no exception. As she learns, she grows to. She is again growing with me. But that’s what a great relationship is. Growing with each other, understanding each other, loving each other. The rest just does not belong. Prayer, reading, support, faith, belief, and the realization That my thought process was so fucking wrong with my wife. The guilt and absolution of all of that is still taking a lot of time. Sarah hears everything I think, everything I feel, and everything point my wife and I were at. I would not have relationship of lies again. Always with an ear, always with an opinion on me, not my wife unless I asked. I would share my spiritual growth with her, my confusion, everything. All acknowledged, all accepted, always standing by me, always proud of me. She was happy, and I was special.

Until it was over with my wife, all this was good at the time, for if my wife would have wanted it, I would have to let Sarah go. My covenant above all else was the most important thing I ever gave to anyone. I knew my wife would never come back or really want to short of a miracle, she would never make herself an ass in her current social circle. She was in too deep. I would tell Sarah to have faith in our destiny. If she truly believes i am the one for her, forever no matter what. She should never lose faith in our relationship. Even my wife wouldn’t tear it apart. Lord know she was trying like hell. The wife had more to prove than Sarah did at this point, and her bullshit was getting too much even for me.

Here I was in a relationship full of truth, love, and honesty and a wife full of lies and games and deceit. My hernia operation was coming, and Sarah volunteered to tend to me while i was sick, she had some vacation time, and her kids have active fathers so she left them with dad and came up. The wife didn’t like it, but she wasn’t coming either. I got a text every now again not even asking much on how I’m doing, mostly digs at Sarah and insults. Figures. Sarah as usual came through incredibly well. She truly is an amazing woman.

So at some point in march, my wife down to nothing but short sentences and verbal abuse, so here I am slipping back into the same shit and responding to her the way she talks to me. Then she throws a fucking fit about how I’m talking to her and I just let her have it. I told her about the phone and her bullshit and what I knew was going on. What’s she do? she tells all her friends I’m a sick pedophile recording my stepdaughter dressing. That was it, that’s final. If she thinks of me like that, so horrible, so sick, so capable of being a pedophile? fucking get the fuck

out of my life. I could never be on any kind of relationship level with anybody who even accuses me of that shit. Sick of the games, sick of the abuse, sick of the lies, sick of the indecision. She should have stayed gone in November, but she just didn’t think she hurt me enough yet for all the lies she made up about me. All used, all a game, and the same old broken record of being a cheater. She was cheating to, I mean what the fuck? She never even acknowledged or owned up to anything she ever did to me. to this day she still lies through her teeth about anything she did. She always has some stupid excuse or perception for it. Listen to what she says, you can almost smell the bullshit. She is not a good liar, but she can manipulate into thinking anything’s possible, it’s just who she is.

As the divorce draws to its close and finality, we are now discussing the future together in life, and what we want to do with each other for the rest of our years. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s serious, but what it is, is full of love, hope, and faith. Something I have not had all 3 of in a very long time. My decision with Sarah never produced everything I wanted, but it gave me what I needed. My goal was and always has been a poly dynamic being the next logical step due to my wife’s lack of improvement, and my own as well. She was not ready for anything of that sort, I felt she could have been. Sarah however is, and I look forward to our future and possibly exploring the option. Sarah was never meant to fill the entire void, just plug the holes. But she says she can, time will tell.

My wife told me once I was begging her back because the grass wasn’t greener on the other side, She could not have been any more wrong. I make love now, I have no D/s in practice, I am calm, I am at peace with all of this finally and accept it for what it is. My wife never knew what she had, and couldn’t fathom what to do with it. Sarah not only knows what she has, she fights to keep it. I really have no idea where we are going to go from here, but she is more than ready for anything. I have dreams of swing dancing, of living together soon, maybe a D/s dynamic. Getting involved in the community again, and molding a beautiful piece of wet clay to my will and desires. Before I proceed however, I have to finish my personal growth. I have to be sure my wife is cleansed from me. I will not carry anything of my baggage with her, or my faults from my previous into this one. This will not fail, because I will do this with light and love, not Vincent and bitterness. Not hate. Love and understanding. The fight for the value of what we are and how rare it really is.

Until now I would have accepted my wife back with open arms, putting all of this down and fighting again for her heart. Her love, her forgiveness. I just have to accept my defeat with her and go on. But until the pain of her is out of me, and my visions of her no longer torment me, I must hold my advance, and Sarah will wait by my side, because I am worth it to her. In retrospect looking how both behaved, yes. She is worth it. She always was. You keep someone that comes back to you. No one ever has for me except my wife a very long time ago. All along I realize that was the woman I loved, the woman I married. She is dead, whether I

killed it or not, she should have never died. Mine never did. At the same time however, I will not do something as stupid as to search for something that just is not there ever again. It’s too painful.

devineserene says:

April 14. 2017 at 3:40 pm

Marriage is supposed to a bond greater than a single life. It is vows taken to combine two people in loving matrimony, promises made to stay together through the good weather and the storms. To grow and change together, not as separate entities. Marriage is built on trust, faith, and respect without any of these it will crumble and fall apart. I speak on this out of experience as my marriage fell apart over 15 years ago. I was in it whole heartedly and despite my every effort, it ended anyways. As I have read these words several times and I am a witness to the growth of Sir, I can now look back and see why and where mine went wrong, and why he fought so hard for his to remain. For this I thank you Sir.

Moving on without the one you have invested so much time with, one that did not choose to grow with you, is the hardest experience to transition to. It is hard to put the past where it belongs and carry on as if years have not been wasted. The thoughts of not finding someone that will compete you is almost unbearable at times. I can only be grateful that I was enabled the chance to help with this transition period. A time where there are suicidal thoughts, extreme bouts of depression, and questions about ones self and the ability to love another, ever again!

I have personally had a chance to watch and see Sir go through many stages during a time of misery. I have seen him sad and broken. I have seen him lost and angry. Sir has also been full of questions that may never have truthful answers.

He has now become a much different man. He is happy, well as happy as he can be at the moment. He smiles a lot lately. He has always had an undeniable hope within him. I could see it from the first time I looked in his eyes. A hope so great, it inspired me to get to know him better. Sir still has this unbreakable hope to this day, and this to me is courage. He also has a remarkable love. A love that was well hidden when I met him, I wanted so bad to uncover it. Despite his marriage I was hoping to come in and uncover his love so this would grow between the 3 of us. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Sir was able to allow his love to be free only one was receptive and the other, well you read the words.

The admiration I have for this man is beyond anything I have ever felt. His change and ability to act and think differently astounds me. I am so proud of his every decision even if I couldn’t see where it was going at first. Even when I was at my most weakest point and scared to death, Sir was always there for me. Just as he is now, never leaving me to my own destruction. My thoughts can get carried away at times. He is such an amazing man it bothers me that some do not see this. Not everything is perfect, which it does not have to be. Sir always has the best intentions at heart and when he strays away from that concept, it is only due to someone pushing him to the point of no return.

Although it has only been 6 months since I have been with my soul mate, Sir has taught me so much. About life, love, and myself as well. I cannot thank him enough for all of this. What I can do is say, “I am happy”. I will love you and cherish you for the rest of our days together. I will honor you by showing all that comes into our lives, they are welcomed and in a safe environment. I can adore and care for you with every breath I take. And I without a doubt in my mind and without a second thought in my soul, will never use, abuse, or manipulate you in any fashion. You are my savior, you are the air I breathe, you are my one true soul mate. Our bond and relationship will always be first and foremost even in upset times. I am proud and happy to have been with you throughout this entire

experience. I am happy!!

Age 40 and a half part 1. Dear lover.

For the last 6 days I began to write this story, Writing all the lies and discrepancies I caught my wife in finally because I finally began to save screenshots, copy texts, and from monitoring kaitlynn’s cell phone. It was to be terrible tale of manipulation, lies, abuse, deception in the worst way, and heartbreak in an unimaginable fashion I have to repair from, along with the proof of it. Paragraph after paragraph, screenshot after screenshot. The worst things I ever conceived in my mind were true, and the worst I had ever done to expose the truth finally, I had to stoop to her level. After I got through all the rage from again another betrayal from my wife to add to the 4 or 5 she had under her belt already, I erased it all, this is not a tale of my wife. This is not to destroy anything of who she is, or how she operates. She will have to answer for her own and her own karma or judgment or goddess retribution, however you want to go. I am well versed in spiritual sickness now, I am well aware of why my wife ails, and what ailed me. This is about me, this is not a tale of woe. This is to be a tale of victory, of triumph. Of growth, and change. I may not have much longer to live, but I want everyone who ever knew me to know, good or bad. This was me, this is how I thought, this is truth.

I will write this in 3 separate stories, because the situations as I have always stated were of separate place in my heart, and the growth and feeling and closure of each will not do each other justice. I have to close the book on the first, and open the new book on the second.

I remember asking my wife for help yet again, I needed more support, more time, more of her. She just either didn’t have any more or refused to give any. She would constantly question my directions and motives because she never understood me. I think because she was naturally selfish and self centered she must have believed at this point I didn’t give a shit about anybody but myself. Truth is the only time I do start giving a shit about myself is because I am out of gas. I was losing strength to carry on. I actually got a point one night where again my wife was threatening to kill herself and I pulled out my pistol and said fuck it lets go together. She changed her mind. Pity, had I know what was coming i wish we would have.

My mind eroded, grasping at straws, I become a downward spiral in this lie my wife was painting for me. She was a true submissive to me, she belonged to me, I could count on her. The questions long plagued my mind. If I were to do to her what she has done to me over the years, would she still be here? I never wanted the answer to that. I stuck my head in the sand and lived with a lie every day, just

like all the others. I just managed to keep life in this one a little longer. I had to find something to keep my mind off of my wife steadily abandoning me. It was just making me so pissed when I finally talked to her I didn’t want to anymore. Did she really think I couldn’t feel her pulling away? Probably not. She always thought because i let her abuse my trust and she would just give me the biggest bullshit story on the planet about all her deeds, I ate it up because i was moron. I ate it because i love her more than i have ever loved anybody my entire life. Never as hard, never as deep , never as crazy or intense. I truly had all of me in it. Even if I didn’t believe it at the time.

I eventually decided to become involved in a few of the BDSM groups on facebook, I was not very well received in the first one. I tend to be opinionated and extremely direct. This was working out quite well, I started to feel like I was at least contributing some knowledge somewhere to someone, I had a few chats with people here and there, turned out to be very fulfilling, especially with the long days home along try wait for my shoulder injuries to heal to the point I could start working again. I was very much looking forward to my wife’s arrival in November. I would brag about her good points, even showed off a few pictures of her. I was still proud of what little I had at the time, for it was all I had.

It was then on a particular post response I got a personal message from the member I answered, her name is Sarah. She was looking for people to connect with that had a genuine Dominance in them, and was looking to acquire a knowledge more than what was typically posted, usually just kink. I messaged her back personally and we chatted a bit for a week or so. Audio on Skype, no pictures or video at this point, I wasn’t looking for that. But just as I done in the nation so long ago, I began to think I could bring her into the fold. The wife was defiantly bust elsewhere and again, she said needed time to return to her former glory in her words from march. So I begin to think maybe I could wing this woman, keep busy, build myself back up, validate myself again. I felt I failed to break or train my wife, I wonder if I even had it in me anymore? Here I was doing all this talking, and no walking. I asked Sarah if she minded this option and if she would wait for me to present it to my wife. She said yes.

So when I posed this to the wife I did not mention I had anyone in mind, because i knew she would destroy her first, and junk the concept. She seemed all to happy for me to sit alone at home waiting for her. Miserable. I don’t even think she noticed my pain, or my suffering at the loss of her. She spent to much time yelling and complaining. My mentality was this, my wife was estranged from me, I could think of a hundred reasons why, why not take on a project, get female companionship, maybe even rebuild myself, strengthen my energy reserves.

When my wife decided to return to her former glory, we could be waiting, hell maybe she could even help her. It would spare an affair, and Sarah seemed more than happy to contribute to the dynamic in any way she could. Sarah also mentioned how much respect she would have for my wife for allowing her to do this. I knew it would take a contract, and I knew it would have to be totally up to my wife, but once it was in I was to follow it. The rest was in my control, and i thought that would be more than fair.

The wife agrees, not knowing I had someone in mind already, and we draw out the contract. This would more than work, it would be something I could do to fill the empty space, fill up the void. Just until she came back, maybe even longer if my wife would get to like the idea. I also thought this would build her trust in me again, she never would have to accuse me of being somewhere and fucking around, she would know where I was and what i was doing. To her that was everything. We could all be happy here.

I couldn’t have been any more wrong. After the first week or 2 she began to erode, she would get snide and make jealous comments. She would hear things she didn’t say, read things that were taken the wrong way etc… It just was not in Sarah’s nature, but the wife believed otherwise. Around this time I became admin of a slave group and the fact that Sarah wanted to be a trained slave only made my wife more mad. A submissive has a lot more say and free will, a slave has no free will. My wife was well aware this is what I preferred. So her position became jeopardized in her mind. She began to get grossly out of line with her disrespect, she began to assume me and Sarah had more time together, and all of a sudden my wife began to have all kinds of free time again. I think she realized she pushed me too far away, and was losing her control. Instead when my wife was mad, or in a bad mood, I wouldn’t take any shit anymore, I just left her and spent time with Sarah, Not outside of the schedule or contract, but just spending time with Sarah really lifted my spirits. She would smile when I came on, she got along great with Justin, she fit in like a glove. Except of course, with my wife.

The more Sarah was learning, the better she got. My wife was noticing Sarah was superseding her, for my wife was hardly a domestic except on the internet, had no emotional support whatsoever, she did however have a sexual advantage to knowing my wants and needs and supplying them and that solidified her status. I guess she did not feel it was enough, she began to demand Sarah be removed per her right to our contract, I refused. I refused because I could not train my wife and have the strength to punish her correctly without Sarah. My wife could always make me buckle in a decision, with Sarah she could not. My wife began to spin out of control with wild accusation of sarah’s intentions and was literally looking for anything to discredit her or to twist into disrespect to my wife. It’s at this point I believe she was presenting her twisted side of the story to various people until she got the answer she wanted to hear.

The first major incident of disrespect was a group meeting and she was in a terrible mood. She ruined the evening with it like she was always good at and I told her to go. I was going to release her from service but she again begged for me

to think of something so she could make up for it. After all this time I was running out of things to think of. She offered to cut, I said no. I knew she was going to do something to herself, so I just told her to brand an R on her ass for respect. I figured sitting on it for a few weeks would do the trick and she could fall in line again. Just be sweet and respectful to me, don’t act like you were always there for me and i pushed my wife away, it was not like that. She pushed me away since I told her to get a fucking job for once and I wasn’t paying her anymore. When Sarah started to work out, she suddenly freed up all this time and tried to come back in with an iron fist and boot Sarah to reclaim her property so she could drift away again. No. Not this time, I was not having it.

She was my submissive, I was not hers. She was going to learn that or go. I had enough. Enough abuse, enough bullshit, enough lies, enough games. She would realize how special I was, what my value was or be gone from sight and lots of luck. I really was not worried, she did everything for me, she always swore she’d never leave me, she always swore. No matter what she was lying about, I believed that. I see now in retrospect how silly it was to believe a liar. She was only saying what she knew i was capable of doing. That’s what made her phony. I had plenty of proof, she had none. She was never placed in a position of hardship with me, I never pressed a hard punishment, even with kam and the apartment she buckled. It was always something she agreed with, not something I wanted for her penance. A Dom is not perfect, nor are his all of his judgments, but this isn’t about a tribunal or following a book or someone’s opinion facebook. Submission is a testament of love to your man for who he is, how special he is to you, and how much and how far you are willing to go to serve his will. If his will was for you to walk off a cliff, you would go, and he would reap his own consequences (but it is also his job to stop you.). The sub does not inflict them, only by walking away as a failure to him. The rest is in the mind of the man himself, and the realization his training was to a partner with all words, and none the commitment he has to her. nothing even close to match. The commitment I have to my wife is immeasurable. To this point I never loved anyone harder, truly madly and deeply. Stressing the madness. What man stays with a woman who hits him? degrades him? lies to him? betrays him? incapable of support financially, or emotionally? Abandons him to fend for himself in every time of major need? Manipulates him with her own children? Is a constant vacuum of need and low self worth, is mentally and physically sick? Not only that but refuses to take medication for extended periods of time? Who does that? who stays after all of that? who stays miserable and attached in sickness, health, rich, poor? roaches no roaches? cats no cats? till death? This one does, because this one gave it his all on hope and faith. Hope she was bonded with my very soul for all time, and faith her core and her bond to me was as strong as mine was to her. People say they love, they say the words. But if you never had a gun barrel in your mouth and squeezed a trigger at the thought of the rest of your life without them, you have never fucking loved shit. Your love is a hallmark card with no signature.

The second instance was the same thing, disrespect again in the group meeting we had once a week. The trouble was Sarah got drunk and went driving to pick up her drunk son. She refused my direction and went anyway. Disrespect. First occurrence with Sarah and this was just after my wife decided to run her mouth all attitude and disrespectful. So now i have a sub that doesn’t know her place and a prospect taking her lead. I could not punish the prospect, i had no verbal submission and this violated standard protocol, my wife however wanted her punished anyway. So now she’s the Dom telling me how to handle the prospect. It was at this point, I decided to pass the punishment to her for being a general bad influence. Mind you this was originally just going to be wrapped into her regular pain session until she decided to have another fit of it not being fair (like she had say, oh wait she thought she was the D), then it escalated.

Jesus I fucking branded her is she out of her mind? I kept telling her I can’t punish her anymore she just will not submit to my decision. I wish she could have understood. Sarah was not more important, Sarah was vital to train my wife not get me angry or hurt or abusive to me. What really was pissing her off, was she could not control me through the guise of submission, this is a very common attitude and tactic used by most bullshit 50 shades subs these days. Oh if I act like I am submitting to my man, but throw safe words and no’s on everything he wants, and be miserable , hell do what it takes to make me pleased so I can continue to submit to anything I agree to. This tactic makes a shallow Dom, and the roles are now reversed. The woman has all the power, that is just not the way it was meant to work. Not the way I was brought to it, The subs I knew over the years (some of them actually trained me in how to treat them at first) were nothing like that. Their joy was in the happiness of their Dom, their personal goals were irrelevant other than security, safety, love, and adoration.

When a Dom reaches the point where he feels anything he would do would not change the problem, or just be abusive because it would produces no result. He has 2 choices. Release her from his service, or remove her from his presence. Removal is a last ditch effort to smack some sense in the submissive. It tells her she is about to lose everything she is supposed to hold dear, all of her oaths and her credibility of who she was, and all that she was trained to be. She would never be able to perform quite the same way again, for everyone is different. She is supposed to lose her identity, fell all of that loss and correct herself. Come back whole and grateful to be back, and return to service, problem corrected.

Again, this did not have the effect i was looking for. She refused the punishment, and I kept adding more time, I said if we get past a month I would release her.

She finally Threatened to kill herself, her usual last ditch effort for me to buckle. But again I was not going to buckle this time. My wife/sub was going to value me,

she was going to respect me, or she was gone. Bearing in mind after all these years of her begging not to leave me every time I wanted out, all these years of swearing I was hers, all these years of her supposedly dying without my love I had faith in her change. She was mine, above all else in the world, she was mine. I wasn’t trying to devalue you, I was trying to keep her ahead of Sarah’s training. My wife had every chance to prove what she was to me, and if she would have just accepted it in the first place instead of playing on her own insecurities, I would like to think it would have been different. But it would have not changed a thing at this point.

I finally buckled due to her crying and hyperventilating, as I always did and reduced the time for a weekend. But that was to be unmovable. I had to hold to my decision or I fail at the very core of what I claim to be. I received a call from Sarah the next day, My wife had texted her and said she was in the hospital. At first Sarah said she was dead. My heart just fucking dropped. After all the threats all of those years, Jesus. She fucking did it. Jesus. If she wouldn’t have corrected herself, I would have been dead. No way I could have lived with that, no fucking way. She said she was in for a panic attack to the point of almost having a heart attack. I broke my word and I texted her, asking her not to respond and apologizing for what she went through. I was looking forward to her return as i had hoped this would do the trick, finally.

It did not, and i suspect she was not at the hospital in retrospect, but all I have is her lying word. Then comes the facebook posts. Sarah in our private group was singing my praises and sharing her experiences and thanking me for all she would become, and my wife lost it. Probably due to her slamming me in every group she belonged to, and twisting her problems in such a way to generate sympathy. I have a feeling if they ever read my side they would tell me to run from this woman. So she makes her final ultimatum again with a bitter and jealous heart, lose her or lose me. I said fine, I’ll lose you. I cannot take you any further and you are released from your service to me. She then began going hysterical and badgering me to say I wish she was dead so i could go be happy with Sarah. Over and over and over again. I was so shaking pissed to her idiocy. I said a thousand times , Sarah was not replacing anyone. She was completing us. She was completing me, she was filling the voids you wanted nothing more to do with it. I was hating her less for that rejection, but the removal of Sarah meant in no time I would just as empty, just as dry, just as neglected.

That’s where she wanted me. Suffering by her hand. Bitter because I wouldn’t support her. When she did nothing to support me, or change her abusive attitude since I left. She was now just abusive from a distance, and I was becoming abusive again as well. Bitter, defensive, and sick of her bullshit. Sick of her trying to brainwash me with her perception and calling my feelings lies. I know what the fuck i felt i know how the fuck I felt, I know why I done what I done. I snapped, like a fucking rubber band. I gave in to the badgering, I told her fine your fucking

right. Go fucking kill yourself go do the fucking world a favor it would be a better place without you. Let me and Sarah be happy. I left her like that. It wasn’t right, but I did it. I was like a rat pushed into a corner, I fought my way out.

So after this and me having no knowledge of it at this point in time according to her she carves the name unwanted in her thigh, and tells all of her facebook cronies she’s killing herself and goodbye. Because that’s what you do when you kill yourself, you log on facebook first to post to everyone you’re going to kill yourself. She then has her first and amazing meet with the love of her life, Daniel. He comes in and strokes her hair all night with the bedroom door open while she is crying. Sure, right.

So a half a week goes by, all is quiet. I go out to buy an ounce of weed, a new pipe and a grinder for my wife. On top of the toys we bought I was in for just a week of sitting and bonding again with my wife, having some fun and talking about all that happened, possibly even reding what we both wanted here, it was obvious she wasn’t happy, and if she wanted Sarah to go what was to be in its stead? My wife even suggested at one point dropping Sarah and finding another one, I’m like if you think poly bdsm slave prospect females just fall out of the fucking sky you go find one and I’ll swap her. Right.

Again the wife texts me and asks if she can go to the hospital, she is having intestinal trouble. I said yes because I would like you good for the trip. She said thank you and went in, then she said she was going to her mother’s to get help and be cared for. Without her kids? sure. Daniel also came by to help her move boxes from Karen and take care of my wife. Gee you think I would have met him by now. I received o texts from her except one that said the pain pills were making her sleep. So I buy it kind of, I didn’t care she was still coming. I spent the same week with sarah, and we had a tiyst encounter. My wife never even checked on me. Later i find out why. I was going to tell her when she came up, I mean I felt bad, but at the same time I was fucking pissed. A week of intestinal trouble and pain pills that make you sleep 24 hours a day and Daniel helping Karen move boxes? when the fuck did they meet? she also neglected to tell me Daniel was even at her house, or her mothers, or his whole existence for that matter. Because she was lying to me. What else is new?

I get the text 2 days before the flight. She wants a divorce because she read some more facebook posts she didn’t like. All these years, all this love and respect she supposedly had for me, and I get a text for a divorce. You fucking loser. A text? God this was too much. I said you too fucking pussy to say it to my face? so she calls and says it, that’s when I hear it in her voice. She’s been fucking around with another guy, I even said so. She ignored it and I said look just come up everything’s paid for we can talk it out, I’ll even sleep on the couch or at home. Let’s just be adults here. You know if she did come and say it to me, say how it wasn’t working, say she had a back door man and was in love, said we need to be over and he’ll care for me, I would have cried yes, but i would have let her go.

We’d still be friends. But this wasn’t about being an adult or respect or the 10 years and all I gave to her, this was about revenge. Revenge for all the slights she felt, revenge for the control she lost over me, revenge for not being treated like a queen when she acted like an absolute cunt, revenge for feeling worthless and paying attention to a fucking cock that will say anything he can to steal anybodies pussy. The sharks see a mark, a weak fish, they take them down. She melted in his arms. She fell in love. She fell in love and forgot I was ever born. Her greatest and last promise, broken. Another lie. I don’t blame the man that takes it ever, I blame the lying whore that lets him in the fucking door. You need a dick whatever, you wanna give your heart away? your nothing but a prostitute to the highest bidder.

I don’t blame her, with all she thought I might have to if I thought my partner evil, until now and only briefly I assumed mine was rotten to the core too. But remember, she had been lying about how evil I was to everyone for fucking years for her sympathy fix. I never felt sorry for her, If she can throw’ a punch and fuck, she can get a fucking job. She could go to school, get a diploma, finish high school, volunteer, something. Nah, just wanted a life of laying on her ass and making trouble for people supporting her and anyone else she might not like. None of this was even close to right, it was all to mind fuck me out of vengeance. She could of told me about Daniel and her feelings a long time ago, I would have allowed it, I had no right to say shit. But Daniel wanted the whole pie of my wife, not just a slice anymore. He was breaking up with his woman, and needed a place for he and his daughter to live. Unknown to me, the move of him to her place with his daughter was going to go down in December. I was already a ghost and didn’t know it. One huge knife in my back for all I ever done for her. Thank you. Thanks for all the truth. 10 fucking years and this is how you do me?

So anyway, after I heard her voice I asked her one more time, she said she needed to think about it. I knew she had to come up with a good lie to her back door man or she needed to be with him for encouragement to stick to choice. She couldn’t make a choice alone if she tried. She was under his direction. It was then I was mad, I knew it was over. I knew she wasn’t coming. I knew my marriage was over. I couldn’t believe she done this to me. Her vows, her vows she swore she meant, her promises, her lies. It was all lies. She was spending the night with that fucker no doubt. I wasn’t waiting at home to go out of my mind, I called sandy and we spent the night together. If she can be that fucking cold to have a back door man she was fucking, what in the fuck was I being faithful for? I was way too embarrassed to even go to Sarah with any of this at this point, I promised to keep the problems of one relationship out of the other. I felt I had no choice, what if I was wrong?

I just unloaded to Sarah something that passed. I still fucked my contract, worse than I did already. I mean internet masturbation is one thing, but this was a physical presence she was cozying up to for god only knows how long, it could have been since fucking march.

I cried on sandy most of the night, she kept saying this was for the best, I was unsure of that. But it wasn’t like i had a choice anymore. In all our years she never said it’s over. The next day I get a cell full of text messages saying again how Sarah was posting all this disrespectful crap on facebook and I was letting her, hell i didn’t even read it. She said make a choice drop her or me, I said let me talk to her about it and she fine I want a divorce its over, and by the way i have a new man and he’s paying attention to me when you haven’t and you just made my choice a whole lot easier. She hung up. What in the fuck? another man? a choice? a fucking choice? are you serious? First i heard any of this, Fine you want a fucking divorce no problem I’ll cancel the fucking trip.

I went home and gave her one last chance, and said I can’t undo this once I do it. So I did it. Then I get a picture message of a facebook post, some bullshit about how she loves but she can never be with me again because I chose that skank (Sarah) over her. Bull fucking shit she had a man, she was in choice, she just chose him and walked away from me. I didn’t have a fucking choice, I had a fucking ultimatum. My sub giving me an ultimatum. What a fucking phony. So you can hang from a rope with a bat up your ass and say yes sir, so fucking what.

It makes you rope trash, nothing more. An object men abuse, instead of gang fuck, good for you. Never mind who fucking trained you to be rope trash for 10 years anyway right? never mind who invested in all your fetish outfits, toys, and encouraged your appetites when nobody else could or would right? yah just give that shit to this loser because you just met him twice and he stroked your hair. Fuck ever with that bullshit. Please

So I then go by her page, and for the first time I am looking since I dropped her off of mine. Loaded with men. Loaded with Dom’s following her, loaded with all these stupid kink pictures. Loaded with all these rules and protocols she don’t fucking follow. Oh wow she fancies herself an actual submissive cuz she’s nothing but a pain slut? oh good. Fuck the loyalty, though, or the honesty to your Dom, or the lifelong commitment you make with that collar. So on her post there’s a love, and its from a guy named Daniel. On his banner posted the night she broke up with me, is my wife lip locking this cocksucker. Oh wow another breach of contract, like the 4th. Let’s not forget the radio show incident, the rejection of her punishment with Kam, the couple she fucked without me, and now kissing a man that is not her husband. The betrayal, the lies, the depravity, the underhanded fucking behavior of this woman and this faggot just drove me to a level of pissed like you have not ever seen. I wanted to get in my van and drive to Texas and shoot them both in the fucking face.

I had enough, I couldn’t fight this alone anymore, it was the biggest stab in my back i ever felt, she’s texting me fucking with me about it telling me how I’m a joke of a Dom and Daniel is a real Dom and blah blah, then that cocksucker texts me on her phone saying she is under her protection. What the fuck is this shit, she tells me Daniel was an old crush she had in high school and they reconnected after 20 years and all this shit, funny nowT I learned he grew up in Illinois, not Lampasas. But whatever. She always was a liar, I just thought the important things were truth, till now.

I told her fine, you over with your man I’m going to new york, she responded with I hope she gives you aids. What the fuck did she care, she let me know the writing on the wall. She made it plain as day with that fucking kiss. She gave her heart away. In all that I done, in all that I was, I never left her side, through good times and bad. Sarah makes some facebook posts and she leaves my ass? bullshit. She didn’t want to let me know what a lying piece of shit she was to me all these years. She didn’t want to let me know she didn’t think anybody would pay for her ass, take care of her, give her what I could, till now. Till Daniel. I get it. Replace me when I’m replaceable. She had no fucking idea how many times I could have changed her ass out like underwear for something better, but I had a wife. A wife that needed time. Evidently time to have an affair, and make a decision to move his ass in with his daughter and write me the fuck off. Thanks for the service, and thanks for your shit paper vows.

I was hurting, bad. The drive up there I had to pull over 6 times to cry, loud. To hold the pain in my chest, to fucking stop falling apart. Sarah was going to receive damaged goods, knowing full well of all of this. No doubt my wife’s intentions. I waited the night of the flight, on Sarah’s windowsill, waited for a call, something.

I received nothing. That’s when I knew it was over. I did get text’s through the weekend, mostly about leaving her the tax money and paying her 300 back that wasn’t hers in the first fucking place. But to make a long story short when she accused me of never loving her, I lost it. I broke down. I knew deep down I always loved her. She ruined 10 fucking years now she was attacking how I felt? I wasn’t having it. She said if I left right now, I could come home and she would forgive me. Little did I know the deed of the move was already done, and this was just ploy to get me away from Sarah.

My wife then told me I needed to beat up Sarah and break up with her and record it with my cell, then she would forgive me. I begged her no fucking way, but I was so distraught I finally agreed. When it came to it, i could not do it. I loved Sarah, and she did nothing wrong. Maybe not the same as my wife, but I loved her all the same. I had to do something, I made this mess, I had to make it right. I was going to blow my head off. This way my wife would know I loved her, and Sarah would be safe. My wife did not want me too, but I saw no other way. I told Sarah I was leaving to go, I had to make this right. She cried uncontrollably and I left. I just

left her there, crying.

I went home and she said she would talk to me tomorrow. I sat all day in agony, drinking and waiting. She ignored me all day until late afternoon, then she got on Skype. I started crying uncontrollably, I had my gun on the desk by this time. I was waiting for her to give me the final fuck you. She never did, but I noticed how cold she was, she almost cried then she wiped the tear before I saw it. Something wTas defiantly wrong. I said how can we do this, she said one day at a time. It still didn’t feel right, in retrospect I know now because it WAS wrong. Just another of my wife’s sick fucking head games. She was toying with me, I was to desperate to believe otherwise. When i went home that night, something changed in me. I had destroyed 2 lives, or so I thought. I tried to something right, and it never went more wrong. I was believing my wife’s bullshit on how selfish I was I forgot how i got into this in the first place. I felt so much agony I couldn’t understand, I never felt like this before. Not for a very long time. I just didn’t know how long.

I knew she was gone, I jammed that gun in my mouth more times than I could count. I was talking to Noelle, my wife must have contacted Justin at some point, Sarah called first. She said she was lighting a candle and praying for me, she begged me not to go. I said thank you, but I need to talk to my wife. Justin then called, when he made me promise and told me he couldn’t take his mother dying and me dead, I promised him. i begged for my wife to sleep with me, before she agreed she asked me to pay her 100 dollar wal mart bill. I almost die, but hey before you do can you pay one last bill? Jesus Christ this woman. Me? I fucking do it, I would have done anything that night, the sad part is she knew it and used me for it. She had no intention of shit. When I finally laid down she muted her phone and pretended to. I knew she wasn’t I even hung up and tried to call back, no answer. She said she was breathing shallow. Bullshit she was breathing on Daniel.

The next morning she wouldn’t answer my text or calls for hours, she said she was getting the kids off to school, but I knew better she would always answer her phone when I called, but I wanted the one chance, the one day to show her what she meant to me. I didn’t know why I felt the way I felt. I woke up with no more hate. I forgave not only her for all she ever did to me, but everyone, everything, all my life, even Vincent was gone, there was just me, the scared fragile crying child begging for love, for approval, for her love and approval. I spent the day showering her with all I felt, God I never felt so much. She tells me she met Daniel the first time at Karen’s when she was sick but he would go home etc nothing happened and she was invited to his families for thanksgiving so she could cook dinner for everyone and the kiss was staged. If you buy that bullshit, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. But again, I didn’t care about then, only now. Now on.

We even talked about Sarah, she mentioned how it could’ve worked if certain things happened, I was thinking good now I can tell Sarah what’s going on. I message Sarah and tell her I don’t know where she will be yet, if anywhere, but we need the space and time to figure all this out. My wife says she’s babysitting and she would go to her mother’s to sleep later. I said ok I’ll text her in the night,

I did, and Daniel answers the text. He says this was a plan to treat me like shit and fuck with my head, but it backfired when she read about Sarah. He said I would be contacted no further until the divorce was final and he was taking her cell phone. Ouch, one more mind fuck from my wife and the cocksucker. Yes it hurt, but not as bad. I half expected it.

I tried calling her the next day, and texting, it was no good. But this was Daniel, she never gives her cell out to anybody, it just didn’t make any sense. She hid and locked that fucking thing from me like no tomorrow. He’s got all access because he was in on this fucking thing, fucking scumbag. The revenge was almost perfect, they just didn’t figure on Sarah being the real McCoy. No matter, they still did plenty. So I asked my friend George to go down and see if he could get her to at least talk to me, it made no fucking sense, I just let Sarah know we needed space,

I mean what the fuck? Little did i know he was already in my house. Kaitlynn comes out, alone. She tells George mommy has been sleeping over for days at a time and taking clothes, and she was alone. Cody was staying at friends so he could eat supper they had no food in the house. George tells me man , this sounds like its been going on for more than 6 months. I fucking lost it. All that time, all that space, all that free time in her schedule she was supposed to be getting herself together, she was fucking man shopping. Jesus Christ. She was hardly a fucking human being at this point. She wouldn’t let George in the house, no doubt due to Daniel’s shit in there already. Well I didn’t have enough answers but I sure knew i was deceived but my wife’s shady bullshit. Her lies, her deceit, her depravity finally turned to me.

But kaitlynn was alone, and I’m thinking my wife’s got to be on fucking drugs she never leaves that girl alone. No food? Days? Jesus. I called my mom and she said she was worried too. I tried calling my wife and letting it ring and ring and ring. First I left a voicemail yelling about kai and her fucking whore ass with her god damn bullshit. Then Daniel picks up the phone and says she doesn’t want you anymore don’t you get it? and he hangs up. Well fuck, I called the cops for a wellness check. The cop goes by and nobodies home. So now I’m wtf did mommy tell her not answer the door? where the fuck did she go. This is when I call the landlord, I asked if anybody in the park can check on her, he said he knew where Cody was and he had Joe’s number, he also said the wife was 3 months behind in her rent and said he was evicting her. Not my fucking problem anymore. In retrospect she had this covered, with Daniel’s end she’ll have more than enough to do everything she used to do. I am sure this was a deciding factor, I am not buying the high school reunion bullshit.

What in the fuck did I do to get done this dirty, it wasn’t Sarah, Daniel was in the picture long before that. Nobody moves this fast. Nobody. We’ll wait, she was that fast with me too, still married even. Fucking bitch. I just couldn’t believe I was never nothing to her. Nothing but a tool in her box until something else came along when i was used up and out of gas. I’m sitting here waiting for her to break down my walls and the damage she caused, she’s fucking man shopping. What a fucking fool I am. I cancelled the 100 dollar charge on my credit card for that stupid walmart bill, which mind you when I looked had all this shit for Daniel.

She had a new slut bag she was buying for herself with wheels, pajamas for a grown man I mean what the fuck how low can you be. He probably is wearing that cross right fucking now as i type. I bought it right? dick.

Time went on, and between the bout of rage, depression and despair and the harassing texts I got from my wife every now and again and the fights I was getting the impression this was far from over. She got her dream guy, she did her damage. Leave me the fuck alone. Evidently she could not, she had to abuse somebody I guess. I couldn’t live with this pain anymore, this despair. I was really suffering. It all went wrong, it was all me, and I couldn’t change it. i took a lot more weight than I deserved to, I still do. I didn’t know how to heal, I needed help from someone neutral, someone spiritual, someone loving. I started talking to my mother. I told her everything, all of it. everything I could think of, She asked me if I wanted to save my marriage, I said yes. she said would you give up anything to save it? I said even my own life if need be. She said show that to God. So I did, I cut off everyone and everything but my mother and Justin. Social media, all my groups, all of it. My mother said expect nothing from all of this, but if you show God how serious you are for answers you will get them. God I needed them.

I still could not believe it, I know what I felt, it just couldn’t have been one sided,

I felt her just as deep as me, and I knew I couldn’t away. She couldn’t either. We had to fix this. It was up to me. I had to sacrifice, I did. All of it. Even Sarah. I sat on Skype everyday waiting to talk to my wife, never ignoring her. She barley spoke to me, had no answers, told me she had jobs and did volunteer work which was fucking unheard of for her. In retrospect there some angle to that shit she is doing, I still don’t know what. But I am willing to bet it has to do with money and Daniel. She finally was able to say we would never be husband and wife again, she was living alone, and wanted be by herself for a while. So I got my answer, fuck the rest of the bullshit, she never did shit without a man her whole life. It ain’t changing now. Friends? After all we been through and all I did for you and the nothing you done for me but be a liar, betray me, use me , and tag along for my sex-capades that you approved of? You want to be friends? she was the lousiest friend I ever had when we were together, she barley spoke to me, and when she did it was all the same cats, weather, and kids. Fuck you. If you don’t want to be my wife you will be nothing to me, I promise. So I said very nicely, thanks wish you all best and goodbye. I wrote her off. Done.

At this point in my mind at the very minimum they are having a non sexual D/s relationship according to her, and she gave him her heart. I even spotted her wearing jewelry he got her. She won’t admit it, but I fucking know better. No more wedding ring, she even changed her name to her maiden name on facebook, and removed every bit of me. Pictures, all of it. My mother says not to give up, pray for a miracle. I at this point was more interested in growing out of this pain in my heart, I lost all my armor, my walls of emotional shielding were shattered, i was so fragile. I had to heal, I had to forgive, I had to love her, I had to move on. I needed to also combat a spiritual sickness. Bitterness, rejection, and forgiveness. Every night at 8pm my mother and I would read the bible, do a course of spiritual healing she bought me, and i started to feel better.

I began to pray every night again, I blessed my wife, I blessed Daniel, I begged for forgiveness, I cried and wailed until snot would come out of nose in despair for help and my penance. I truly believed in what I was saying, I was trying to remember how much I always loved my wife, and I found it. My mother said before Christmas she sent some stuff to the kids, I said not to but she did anyway. Fuckers never even said thank you. After all she done for them, even had them monsters in her home to keep them from getting swiped by CPS as a direct result of fucking Matthew, how quickly they forget when mom does right? I decided to reach out to kaitlynn, I felt really sorry for her and her part to play in all of this with George. If she wanted me as a father, I would be. I wanted to be. Was not to concerned with the wife at this point, kai had all my wife had, minus the anger, insanity, lies, and manipulation.

I bought her a pendant for 200 and some change, solid handmade silver with our birthstones in it and a note. I found out later she lost it. I also found out later she was being used by her mother to manipulate me, but that’s later. When I mailed it out and it arrived it was the first time I heard from the wife in weeks. Nice mind fuck on my daughters head. No mind fuck, I was genuine. I was even genuine to my wife. For weeks she would name call me, make up lies about the situation, abuse me verbally, and all i kept doing was trying to explain and answer ever foul question from her foul fucking mouth and respond with love and forgiveness, I did. I just wanted her happy with her life, I was trying to do the same. It was obvious she wasn’t so I eventually just asked if she wanted to work it out or what? She would go back and forth with this for moths, saying maybe, then yes, then no, then drop Sarah, then maybe a poly, then behind Dan’s back, but I started to realize a pattern. It was abuse, then more abuse, then I wouldn’t take anymore than she would thrown in some hope, keep me on the hook, and just do more abuse. She would even contact my mother when I had enough, and try to manipulate her with lies to manipulate me.

It was a real mind fuck for the longest time, but the end of January i had an opportunity, kaitlynn was not calling me or speaking to me and my wife with her infamous bullshit says it’s because kaitlynn doesn’t have a cell phone. Bullshit she didn’t give a fuck to talk to me, she had a new dad and a new sister and a happy mommy. Out of sight is out of mind with these people. I was tired of the lack of answers, tired of the lies, tired of my word against hers. So I bought a cell phone and sent it down to her. It had a hack installed in it to broadcast to me her gps, take pictures while a text was being typed, intercept texts, mms messages, Skype, facebook, all snapped pictures kai took and video she recorded. Incoming and outgoing calls. Despite my wife’s accusation it could not just record audio and video anytime I wanted it to. I basically had access to all of her activity on her phone, even apps she installed. I took a shot on maybe getting some truth here. I talked to my mother about it, I even talked to Sarah about it. But my mother said be careful you are absolutely ready for the truth, you may not want it. All the years of lies and bullshit out of her I could not prove because I trusted her fucking ass, I was ready.

Well I got it. I got my wife on many occasions pretending to be kaitlynn, especially when my wife was pissing me off with her abuse or i would quit talking to her. Or when I made a post on this site she didn’t like. I got pictures of them all interacting with Daniel and his family, I got video kaitlynn recorded of her and sierra in their new room together, I got all i needed. I even got the wife texting kai to not say anything to Gary I was stalking and harassing her. Funny thing is since thanksgiving. I never contacted her. Not initially not once. This is the lying bullshit she would tell everyone. She would be the one hitting me up for fucks sake. I told her when she was do not build this relationship whatever it may be on one lie. She lied about being sick, places she wasn’t places she was, her and Daniel and their relationship status, all of it. It was nothing but a mind fuck. Daniel is mostly aware of it I’m sure, I wonder if he’s aware of her masturbating on Skype recording with a time stamped chat box and dates that is sure around the time they were together though? well if he reads this someday, hit me up. See what kind of woman you got there. Oh yah she told my you have erectile dysfunction and you don’t fuck at all. Not like I care or anything, they make pills and I am sure you have a tongue, so just another lie. That’s even if you have it with a daughter, sure that works out.

All this time i am begging for my wife to come around with the truth, I still love her, i still forgive her, but god dammit this fucking with my heart shit has to stop. The last day I told her about the phone, she even had kaitlynn call me to say she wasn’t in on it, she was. I got pictures of them passing the phone off. Yes there both typing, its the only time they take pics, and kai can’t spell worth shit, my wife can. You can tell in the screenshots of the text it ain’t kai. Totally different styles of writing and attitudes. This was all just one big fucking joke to them both, and that’s ok. Maybe now it’s finally over. She’ll leave me the fuck alone, the divorce, my legal divorce will go final because i haven’t even been served by hers yet, but whatever. She won’t sign mine. That’s fine I don’t need that either. I can’t even stop it right now if I wanted to, it’s all in process.

I uninstalled the virus remotely, it’s no longer on her phone, but the family base plan app shows texts and calls still. If I do not see any traffic by the end of April, I’ll disconnect the phone. Keep it, it done its job. She never called or texted me unless you told her anyway, remember I got the call logs.

I still even after all this bullshit love and forgive my wife. I loved her all along for all her lies, all her crazy, all her bullshit, all of her failures. I can walk away from this and say I love her more than her most powerful love could ever love me, and with what I am now I love her more than any man ever could. I can say that by example.

She won’t forgive me for lying about my affairs.

I forgave her for lying about Daniel,

She won’t forgive me for replacing her with Sarah.

I never replaced her with Sarah, I love you both, you replaced me with Daniel I forgive you.

She won’t forgive me for the verbal and physical abuse.

I forgave her for years on multiple occasion and she started it.

She won’t forgive me for giving my heart to Sarah I forgive you for giving it to Daniel

She says she believes in our marital vows and I ruined it Your bullshit should have ruined mine, they still have not

She said she had tried to be friends,

Fuck her lying ass friendship, it’s worse than her lying ass as a wife, she was never there for me like I was for her, just read back the last 10 years the hoops I jumped for her.

She said she’s leaving me because i broke our contract

She broke her when she did that couple, even when she sent that video, and

kissed Daniel Here i am still loving still staying still forgiving till the end.

She said all my friends hate her.

Well all your friends hate me, but my friends hate because they know the truth, your friends are morons that follow your bullshit blindly, just like I did. Or fucking snakes in the grass themselves.

Oh how dare you clone my daughters phone to find out how bad I was lying and

fucking with your head… This woman would Snoop through my cell my PC my

email even the admin on site not to mention my drawers, storage boxes and my wallet. I forgive you.

You left me here in Texas to fend for myself and you stopped helping me….

I left you in Texas because your kids and you fucked up my parents, and tanked the plan. I looked after you and helped looked after your grandparents, I helped your mother, your kids, I even supported the family while you never lifted a finger to work. You couldn’t even keep your own god damn house clean. Now you run from me when I am burying and taking care of mine. You kidding when you say you loved me?

I could go on, her reasons are not because of what I done. It’s because her love was phony, her vows were phony, her submission was phony. It will not change, she’ll be whatever she needs to be to survive. It’s who she is. But she can’t fake it forever, you’ll get yours Daniel. You don’t have the balls to even walk where I been with her.

So that is my tale, take it for what it is. Just like the rest of what I have been writing since last December. From here, from now I close the book. I do not look back, I do not give a shit what she writes, says or does concerning me. Maybe someday the guilt will rot her from the inside out just like her mother, maybe it will not. But in all reality, I wish her all the love joy and happiness she deserves. It has been long overdue for mine. A genuine loving non abusive family that see’s me for me . What I am, how special I am, how wonderful i am. Not because of what I do for them, because of who I am. After this it will be nothing but me and Sarah, I expect my wife to finally quit reading. Goodbye, I will make it a point after the divorce to replace you, and rub you the fuck out of my existence forever.

I will not speak your name and everything we have done I will make sure to make new better memories with Sarah. She deserves that for all she has put up with me. You will not even be a memory, you will be what you always feared you would be. One big long giant unwanted mistake. Good luck with Daniel, do better with him, if you can. You lost more than you will ever know. I could have made you happy for all your days. I would have. You lost your soul mate, but the nice thing about that is, I found mine. Thanks for allowing me to do that.

I certainly am not who I was, I am all me again, with a touch of Vincent for cover.

I love a hell of lot more than I hate, and now I know how to practice genuine love, I am a huge fan. It was a fucking shame Sarah has to be the receiver of it. Despite all your bullshit wife, I was always waiting and hoping from the day I met you, it would be you. It should have been, you let your insecurities and your plagued mind, your friends, your back door man, they all got to you. They all swallowed your lies now you’re in a dream world trying to back it up. It’s ok, the ones that get curious will find this, and you. Since you’re so fond of names on your journal,
here’s some you might like too. Oh, and P.S 17 is of consensual age to have sex in the state of Texas, so ummm, go fuck yourself kam was legal

For Justin, My brother, my best friend, my shoulder for just about all my life.

I was debating to write any of this to you. The loss of someone so dear, your mother. My father was easier perhaps, we only knew each other for a short time. Noelle and I were talking about we both express how we feel through songs, and we both tend to give those expressions of how we feel about people we care for to them. It’s a personal moment we have in our head that will make us laugh, cry, even get angry. But it belongs to that person, it stays with that person. When I first met you, about a year later this song came out. When i heard it I imagined us much differently around this time, so I kind of disregarded it. Time has proven me wise to remember it. I can never express what you mean to me man. There just aren’t the words. At least, none of mine have any justice to them. So I will place this here for the day you find it, and maybe we will laugh on it, maybe you will cry in a memory of me. But here now, I was remembering in this moment, all the good you are, and all the good you have done for this earth. I love you brother. My condolences.