Age 40 and a half part 1. Dear lover.

For the last 6 days I began to write this story, Writing all the lies and discrepancies I caught my wife in finally because I finally began to save screenshots, copy texts, and from monitoring kaitlynn’s cell phone. It was to be terrible tale of manipulation, lies, abuse, deception in the worst way, and heartbreak in an unimaginable fashion I have to repair from, along with the proof of it. Paragraph after paragraph, screenshot after screenshot. The worst things I ever conceived in my mind were true, and the worst I had ever done to expose the truth finally, I had to stoop to her level. After I got through all the rage from again another betrayal from my wife to add to the 4 or 5 she had under her belt already, I erased it all, this is not a tale of my wife. This is not to destroy anything of who she is, or how she operates. She will have to answer for her own and her own karma or judgment or goddess retribution, however you want to go. I am well versed in spiritual sickness now, I am well aware of why my wife ails, and what ailed me. This is about me, this is not a tale of woe. This is to be a tale of victory, of triumph. Of growth, and change. I may not have much longer to live, but I want everyone who ever knew me to know, good or bad. This was me, this is how I thought, this is truth.

I will write this in 3 separate stories, because the situations as I have always stated were of separate place in my heart, and the growth and feeling and closure of each will not do each other justice. I have to close the book on the first, and open the new book on the second.

I remember asking my wife for help yet again, I needed more support, more time, more of her. She just either didn’t have any more or refused to give any. She would constantly question my directions and motives because she never understood me. I think because she was naturally selfish and self centered she must have believed at this point I didn’t give a shit about anybody but myself. Truth is the only time I do start giving a shit about myself is because I am out of gas. I was losing strength to carry on. I actually got a point one night where again my wife was threatening to kill herself and I pulled out my pistol and said fuck it lets go together. She changed her mind. Pity, had I know what was coming i wish we would have.

My mind eroded, grasping at straws, I become a downward spiral in this lie my wife was painting for me. She was a true submissive to me, she belonged to me, I could count on her. The questions long plagued my mind. If I were to do to her what she has done to me over the years, would she still be here? I never wanted the answer to that. I stuck my head in the sand and lived with a lie every day, just

like all the others. I just managed to keep life in this one a little longer. I had to find something to keep my mind off of my wife steadily abandoning me. It was just making me so pissed when I finally talked to her I didn’t want to anymore. Did she really think I couldn’t feel her pulling away? Probably not. She always thought because i let her abuse my trust and she would just give me the biggest bullshit story on the planet about all her deeds, I ate it up because i was moron. I ate it because i love her more than i have ever loved anybody my entire life. Never as hard, never as deep , never as crazy or intense. I truly had all of me in it. Even if I didn’t believe it at the time.

I eventually decided to become involved in a few of the BDSM groups on facebook, I was not very well received in the first one. I tend to be opinionated and extremely direct. This was working out quite well, I started to feel like I was at least contributing some knowledge somewhere to someone, I had a few chats with people here and there, turned out to be very fulfilling, especially with the long days home along try wait for my shoulder injuries to heal to the point I could start working again. I was very much looking forward to my wife’s arrival in November. I would brag about her good points, even showed off a few pictures of her. I was still proud of what little I had at the time, for it was all I had.

It was then on a particular post response I got a personal message from the member I answered, her name is Sarah. She was looking for people to connect with that had a genuine Dominance in them, and was looking to acquire a knowledge more than what was typically posted, usually just kink. I messaged her back personally and we chatted a bit for a week or so. Audio on Skype, no pictures or video at this point, I wasn’t looking for that. But just as I done in the nation so long ago, I began to think I could bring her into the fold. The wife was defiantly bust elsewhere and again, she said needed time to return to her former glory in her words from march. So I begin to think maybe I could wing this woman, keep busy, build myself back up, validate myself again. I felt I failed to break or train my wife, I wonder if I even had it in me anymore? Here I was doing all this talking, and no walking. I asked Sarah if she minded this option and if she would wait for me to present it to my wife. She said yes.

So when I posed this to the wife I did not mention I had anyone in mind, because i knew she would destroy her first, and junk the concept. She seemed all to happy for me to sit alone at home waiting for her. Miserable. I don’t even think she noticed my pain, or my suffering at the loss of her. She spent to much time yelling and complaining. My mentality was this, my wife was estranged from me, I could think of a hundred reasons why, why not take on a project, get female companionship, maybe even rebuild myself, strengthen my energy reserves.

When my wife decided to return to her former glory, we could be waiting, hell maybe she could even help her. It would spare an affair, and Sarah seemed more than happy to contribute to the dynamic in any way she could. Sarah also mentioned how much respect she would have for my wife for allowing her to do this. I knew it would take a contract, and I knew it would have to be totally up to my wife, but once it was in I was to follow it. The rest was in my control, and i thought that would be more than fair.

The wife agrees, not knowing I had someone in mind already, and we draw out the contract. This would more than work, it would be something I could do to fill the empty space, fill up the void. Just until she came back, maybe even longer if my wife would get to like the idea. I also thought this would build her trust in me again, she never would have to accuse me of being somewhere and fucking around, she would know where I was and what i was doing. To her that was everything. We could all be happy here.

I couldn’t have been any more wrong. After the first week or 2 she began to erode, she would get snide and make jealous comments. She would hear things she didn’t say, read things that were taken the wrong way etc… It just was not in Sarah’s nature, but the wife believed otherwise. Around this time I became admin of a slave group and the fact that Sarah wanted to be a trained slave only made my wife more mad. A submissive has a lot more say and free will, a slave has no free will. My wife was well aware this is what I preferred. So her position became jeopardized in her mind. She began to get grossly out of line with her disrespect, she began to assume me and Sarah had more time together, and all of a sudden my wife began to have all kinds of free time again. I think she realized she pushed me too far away, and was losing her control. Instead when my wife was mad, or in a bad mood, I wouldn’t take any shit anymore, I just left her and spent time with Sarah, Not outside of the schedule or contract, but just spending time with Sarah really lifted my spirits. She would smile when I came on, she got along great with Justin, she fit in like a glove. Except of course, with my wife.

The more Sarah was learning, the better she got. My wife was noticing Sarah was superseding her, for my wife was hardly a domestic except on the internet, had no emotional support whatsoever, she did however have a sexual advantage to knowing my wants and needs and supplying them and that solidified her status. I guess she did not feel it was enough, she began to demand Sarah be removed per her right to our contract, I refused. I refused because I could not train my wife and have the strength to punish her correctly without Sarah. My wife could always make me buckle in a decision, with Sarah she could not. My wife began to spin out of control with wild accusation of sarah’s intentions and was literally looking for anything to discredit her or to twist into disrespect to my wife. It’s at this point I believe she was presenting her twisted side of the story to various people until she got the answer she wanted to hear.

The first major incident of disrespect was a group meeting and she was in a terrible mood. She ruined the evening with it like she was always good at and I told her to go. I was going to release her from service but she again begged for me

to think of something so she could make up for it. After all this time I was running out of things to think of. She offered to cut, I said no. I knew she was going to do something to herself, so I just told her to brand an R on her ass for respect. I figured sitting on it for a few weeks would do the trick and she could fall in line again. Just be sweet and respectful to me, don’t act like you were always there for me and i pushed my wife away, it was not like that. She pushed me away since I told her to get a fucking job for once and I wasn’t paying her anymore. When Sarah started to work out, she suddenly freed up all this time and tried to come back in with an iron fist and boot Sarah to reclaim her property so she could drift away again. No. Not this time, I was not having it.

She was my submissive, I was not hers. She was going to learn that or go. I had enough. Enough abuse, enough bullshit, enough lies, enough games. She would realize how special I was, what my value was or be gone from sight and lots of luck. I really was not worried, she did everything for me, she always swore she’d never leave me, she always swore. No matter what she was lying about, I believed that. I see now in retrospect how silly it was to believe a liar. She was only saying what she knew i was capable of doing. That’s what made her phony. I had plenty of proof, she had none. She was never placed in a position of hardship with me, I never pressed a hard punishment, even with kam and the apartment she buckled. It was always something she agreed with, not something I wanted for her penance. A Dom is not perfect, nor are his all of his judgments, but this isn’t about a tribunal or following a book or someone’s opinion facebook. Submission is a testament of love to your man for who he is, how special he is to you, and how much and how far you are willing to go to serve his will. If his will was for you to walk off a cliff, you would go, and he would reap his own consequences (but it is also his job to stop you.). The sub does not inflict them, only by walking away as a failure to him. The rest is in the mind of the man himself, and the realization his training was to a partner with all words, and none the commitment he has to her. nothing even close to match. The commitment I have to my wife is immeasurable. To this point I never loved anyone harder, truly madly and deeply. Stressing the madness. What man stays with a woman who hits him? degrades him? lies to him? betrays him? incapable of support financially, or emotionally? Abandons him to fend for himself in every time of major need? Manipulates him with her own children? Is a constant vacuum of need and low self worth, is mentally and physically sick? Not only that but refuses to take medication for extended periods of time? Who does that? who stays after all of that? who stays miserable and attached in sickness, health, rich, poor? roaches no roaches? cats no cats? till death? This one does, because this one gave it his all on hope and faith. Hope she was bonded with my very soul for all time, and faith her core and her bond to me was as strong as mine was to her. People say they love, they say the words. But if you never had a gun barrel in your mouth and squeezed a trigger at the thought of the rest of your life without them, you have never fucking loved shit. Your love is a hallmark card with no signature.

The second instance was the same thing, disrespect again in the group meeting we had once a week. The trouble was Sarah got drunk and went driving to pick up her drunk son. She refused my direction and went anyway. Disrespect. First occurrence with Sarah and this was just after my wife decided to run her mouth all attitude and disrespectful. So now i have a sub that doesn’t know her place and a prospect taking her lead. I could not punish the prospect, i had no verbal submission and this violated standard protocol, my wife however wanted her punished anyway. So now she’s the Dom telling me how to handle the prospect. It was at this point, I decided to pass the punishment to her for being a general bad influence. Mind you this was originally just going to be wrapped into her regular pain session until she decided to have another fit of it not being fair (like she had say, oh wait she thought she was the D), then it escalated.

Jesus I fucking branded her is she out of her mind? I kept telling her I can’t punish her anymore she just will not submit to my decision. I wish she could have understood. Sarah was not more important, Sarah was vital to train my wife not get me angry or hurt or abusive to me. What really was pissing her off, was she could not control me through the guise of submission, this is a very common attitude and tactic used by most bullshit 50 shades subs these days. Oh if I act like I am submitting to my man, but throw safe words and no’s on everything he wants, and be miserable , hell do what it takes to make me pleased so I can continue to submit to anything I agree to. This tactic makes a shallow Dom, and the roles are now reversed. The woman has all the power, that is just not the way it was meant to work. Not the way I was brought to it, The subs I knew over the years (some of them actually trained me in how to treat them at first) were nothing like that. Their joy was in the happiness of their Dom, their personal goals were irrelevant other than security, safety, love, and adoration.

When a Dom reaches the point where he feels anything he would do would not change the problem, or just be abusive because it would produces no result. He has 2 choices. Release her from his service, or remove her from his presence. Removal is a last ditch effort to smack some sense in the submissive. It tells her she is about to lose everything she is supposed to hold dear, all of her oaths and her credibility of who she was, and all that she was trained to be. She would never be able to perform quite the same way again, for everyone is different. She is supposed to lose her identity, fell all of that loss and correct herself. Come back whole and grateful to be back, and return to service, problem corrected.

Again, this did not have the effect i was looking for. She refused the punishment, and I kept adding more time, I said if we get past a month I would release her.

She finally Threatened to kill herself, her usual last ditch effort for me to buckle. But again I was not going to buckle this time. My wife/sub was going to value me,

she was going to respect me, or she was gone. Bearing in mind after all these years of her begging not to leave me every time I wanted out, all these years of swearing I was hers, all these years of her supposedly dying without my love I had faith in her change. She was mine, above all else in the world, she was mine. I wasn’t trying to devalue you, I was trying to keep her ahead of Sarah’s training. My wife had every chance to prove what she was to me, and if she would have just accepted it in the first place instead of playing on her own insecurities, I would like to think it would have been different. But it would have not changed a thing at this point.

I finally buckled due to her crying and hyperventilating, as I always did and reduced the time for a weekend. But that was to be unmovable. I had to hold to my decision or I fail at the very core of what I claim to be. I received a call from Sarah the next day, My wife had texted her and said she was in the hospital. At first Sarah said she was dead. My heart just fucking dropped. After all the threats all of those years, Jesus. She fucking did it. Jesus. If she wouldn’t have corrected herself, I would have been dead. No way I could have lived with that, no fucking way. She said she was in for a panic attack to the point of almost having a heart attack. I broke my word and I texted her, asking her not to respond and apologizing for what she went through. I was looking forward to her return as i had hoped this would do the trick, finally.

It did not, and i suspect she was not at the hospital in retrospect, but all I have is her lying word. Then comes the facebook posts. Sarah in our private group was singing my praises and sharing her experiences and thanking me for all she would become, and my wife lost it. Probably due to her slamming me in every group she belonged to, and twisting her problems in such a way to generate sympathy. I have a feeling if they ever read my side they would tell me to run from this woman. So she makes her final ultimatum again with a bitter and jealous heart, lose her or lose me. I said fine, I’ll lose you. I cannot take you any further and you are released from your service to me. She then began going hysterical and badgering me to say I wish she was dead so i could go be happy with Sarah. Over and over and over again. I was so shaking pissed to her idiocy. I said a thousand times , Sarah was not replacing anyone. She was completing us. She was completing me, she was filling the voids you wanted nothing more to do with it. I was hating her less for that rejection, but the removal of Sarah meant in no time I would just as empty, just as dry, just as neglected.

That’s where she wanted me. Suffering by her hand. Bitter because I wouldn’t support her. When she did nothing to support me, or change her abusive attitude since I left. She was now just abusive from a distance, and I was becoming abusive again as well. Bitter, defensive, and sick of her bullshit. Sick of her trying to brainwash me with her perception and calling my feelings lies. I know what the fuck i felt i know how the fuck I felt, I know why I done what I done. I snapped, like a fucking rubber band. I gave in to the badgering, I told her fine your fucking

right. Go fucking kill yourself go do the fucking world a favor it would be a better place without you. Let me and Sarah be happy. I left her like that. It wasn’t right, but I did it. I was like a rat pushed into a corner, I fought my way out.

So after this and me having no knowledge of it at this point in time according to her she carves the name unwanted in her thigh, and tells all of her facebook cronies she’s killing herself and goodbye. Because that’s what you do when you kill yourself, you log on facebook first to post to everyone you’re going to kill yourself. She then has her first and amazing meet with the love of her life, Daniel. He comes in and strokes her hair all night with the bedroom door open while she is crying. Sure, right.

So a half a week goes by, all is quiet. I go out to buy an ounce of weed, a new pipe and a grinder for my wife. On top of the toys we bought I was in for just a week of sitting and bonding again with my wife, having some fun and talking about all that happened, possibly even reding what we both wanted here, it was obvious she wasn’t happy, and if she wanted Sarah to go what was to be in its stead? My wife even suggested at one point dropping Sarah and finding another one, I’m like if you think poly bdsm slave prospect females just fall out of the fucking sky you go find one and I’ll swap her. Right.

Again the wife texts me and asks if she can go to the hospital, she is having intestinal trouble. I said yes because I would like you good for the trip. She said thank you and went in, then she said she was going to her mother’s to get help and be cared for. Without her kids? sure. Daniel also came by to help her move boxes from Karen and take care of my wife. Gee you think I would have met him by now. I received o texts from her except one that said the pain pills were making her sleep. So I buy it kind of, I didn’t care she was still coming. I spent the same week with sarah, and we had a tiyst encounter. My wife never even checked on me. Later i find out why. I was going to tell her when she came up, I mean I felt bad, but at the same time I was fucking pissed. A week of intestinal trouble and pain pills that make you sleep 24 hours a day and Daniel helping Karen move boxes? when the fuck did they meet? she also neglected to tell me Daniel was even at her house, or her mothers, or his whole existence for that matter. Because she was lying to me. What else is new?

I get the text 2 days before the flight. She wants a divorce because she read some more facebook posts she didn’t like. All these years, all this love and respect she supposedly had for me, and I get a text for a divorce. You fucking loser. A text? God this was too much. I said you too fucking pussy to say it to my face? so she calls and says it, that’s when I hear it in her voice. She’s been fucking around with another guy, I even said so. She ignored it and I said look just come up everything’s paid for we can talk it out, I’ll even sleep on the couch or at home. Let’s just be adults here. You know if she did come and say it to me, say how it wasn’t working, say she had a back door man and was in love, said we need to be over and he’ll care for me, I would have cried yes, but i would have let her go.

We’d still be friends. But this wasn’t about being an adult or respect or the 10 years and all I gave to her, this was about revenge. Revenge for all the slights she felt, revenge for the control she lost over me, revenge for not being treated like a queen when she acted like an absolute cunt, revenge for feeling worthless and paying attention to a fucking cock that will say anything he can to steal anybodies pussy. The sharks see a mark, a weak fish, they take them down. She melted in his arms. She fell in love. She fell in love and forgot I was ever born. Her greatest and last promise, broken. Another lie. I don’t blame the man that takes it ever, I blame the lying whore that lets him in the fucking door. You need a dick whatever, you wanna give your heart away? your nothing but a prostitute to the highest bidder.

I don’t blame her, with all she thought I might have to if I thought my partner evil, until now and only briefly I assumed mine was rotten to the core too. But remember, she had been lying about how evil I was to everyone for fucking years for her sympathy fix. I never felt sorry for her, If she can throw’ a punch and fuck, she can get a fucking job. She could go to school, get a diploma, finish high school, volunteer, something. Nah, just wanted a life of laying on her ass and making trouble for people supporting her and anyone else she might not like. None of this was even close to right, it was all to mind fuck me out of vengeance. She could of told me about Daniel and her feelings a long time ago, I would have allowed it, I had no right to say shit. But Daniel wanted the whole pie of my wife, not just a slice anymore. He was breaking up with his woman, and needed a place for he and his daughter to live. Unknown to me, the move of him to her place with his daughter was going to go down in December. I was already a ghost and didn’t know it. One huge knife in my back for all I ever done for her. Thank you. Thanks for all the truth. 10 fucking years and this is how you do me?

So anyway, after I heard her voice I asked her one more time, she said she needed to think about it. I knew she had to come up with a good lie to her back door man or she needed to be with him for encouragement to stick to choice. She couldn’t make a choice alone if she tried. She was under his direction. It was then I was mad, I knew it was over. I knew she wasn’t coming. I knew my marriage was over. I couldn’t believe she done this to me. Her vows, her vows she swore she meant, her promises, her lies. It was all lies. She was spending the night with that fucker no doubt. I wasn’t waiting at home to go out of my mind, I called sandy and we spent the night together. If she can be that fucking cold to have a back door man she was fucking, what in the fuck was I being faithful for? I was way too embarrassed to even go to Sarah with any of this at this point, I promised to keep the problems of one relationship out of the other. I felt I had no choice, what if I was wrong?

I just unloaded to Sarah something that passed. I still fucked my contract, worse than I did already. I mean internet masturbation is one thing, but this was a physical presence she was cozying up to for god only knows how long, it could have been since fucking march.

I cried on sandy most of the night, she kept saying this was for the best, I was unsure of that. But it wasn’t like i had a choice anymore. In all our years she never said it’s over. The next day I get a cell full of text messages saying again how Sarah was posting all this disrespectful crap on facebook and I was letting her, hell i didn’t even read it. She said make a choice drop her or me, I said let me talk to her about it and she fine I want a divorce its over, and by the way i have a new man and he’s paying attention to me when you haven’t and you just made my choice a whole lot easier. She hung up. What in the fuck? another man? a choice? a fucking choice? are you serious? First i heard any of this, Fine you want a fucking divorce no problem I’ll cancel the fucking trip.

I went home and gave her one last chance, and said I can’t undo this once I do it. So I did it. Then I get a picture message of a facebook post, some bullshit about how she loves but she can never be with me again because I chose that skank (Sarah) over her. Bull fucking shit she had a man, she was in choice, she just chose him and walked away from me. I didn’t have a fucking choice, I had a fucking ultimatum. My sub giving me an ultimatum. What a fucking phony. So you can hang from a rope with a bat up your ass and say yes sir, so fucking what.

It makes you rope trash, nothing more. An object men abuse, instead of gang fuck, good for you. Never mind who fucking trained you to be rope trash for 10 years anyway right? never mind who invested in all your fetish outfits, toys, and encouraged your appetites when nobody else could or would right? yah just give that shit to this loser because you just met him twice and he stroked your hair. Fuck ever with that bullshit. Please

So I then go by her page, and for the first time I am looking since I dropped her off of mine. Loaded with men. Loaded with Dom’s following her, loaded with all these stupid kink pictures. Loaded with all these rules and protocols she don’t fucking follow. Oh wow she fancies herself an actual submissive cuz she’s nothing but a pain slut? oh good. Fuck the loyalty, though, or the honesty to your Dom, or the lifelong commitment you make with that collar. So on her post there’s a love, and its from a guy named Daniel. On his banner posted the night she broke up with me, is my wife lip locking this cocksucker. Oh wow another breach of contract, like the 4th. Let’s not forget the radio show incident, the rejection of her punishment with Kam, the couple she fucked without me, and now kissing a man that is not her husband. The betrayal, the lies, the depravity, the underhanded fucking behavior of this woman and this faggot just drove me to a level of pissed like you have not ever seen. I wanted to get in my van and drive to Texas and shoot them both in the fucking face.

I had enough, I couldn’t fight this alone anymore, it was the biggest stab in my back i ever felt, she’s texting me fucking with me about it telling me how I’m a joke of a Dom and Daniel is a real Dom and blah blah, then that cocksucker texts me on her phone saying she is under her protection. What the fuck is this shit, she tells me Daniel was an old crush she had in high school and they reconnected after 20 years and all this shit, funny nowT I learned he grew up in Illinois, not Lampasas. But whatever. She always was a liar, I just thought the important things were truth, till now.

I told her fine, you over with your man I’m going to new york, she responded with I hope she gives you aids. What the fuck did she care, she let me know the writing on the wall. She made it plain as day with that fucking kiss. She gave her heart away. In all that I done, in all that I was, I never left her side, through good times and bad. Sarah makes some facebook posts and she leaves my ass? bullshit. She didn’t want to let me know what a lying piece of shit she was to me all these years. She didn’t want to let me know she didn’t think anybody would pay for her ass, take care of her, give her what I could, till now. Till Daniel. I get it. Replace me when I’m replaceable. She had no fucking idea how many times I could have changed her ass out like underwear for something better, but I had a wife. A wife that needed time. Evidently time to have an affair, and make a decision to move his ass in with his daughter and write me the fuck off. Thanks for the service, and thanks for your shit paper vows.

I was hurting, bad. The drive up there I had to pull over 6 times to cry, loud. To hold the pain in my chest, to fucking stop falling apart. Sarah was going to receive damaged goods, knowing full well of all of this. No doubt my wife’s intentions. I waited the night of the flight, on Sarah’s windowsill, waited for a call, something.

I received nothing. That’s when I knew it was over. I did get text’s through the weekend, mostly about leaving her the tax money and paying her 300 back that wasn’t hers in the first fucking place. But to make a long story short when she accused me of never loving her, I lost it. I broke down. I knew deep down I always loved her. She ruined 10 fucking years now she was attacking how I felt? I wasn’t having it. She said if I left right now, I could come home and she would forgive me. Little did I know the deed of the move was already done, and this was just ploy to get me away from Sarah.

My wife then told me I needed to beat up Sarah and break up with her and record it with my cell, then she would forgive me. I begged her no fucking way, but I was so distraught I finally agreed. When it came to it, i could not do it. I loved Sarah, and she did nothing wrong. Maybe not the same as my wife, but I loved her all the same. I had to do something, I made this mess, I had to make it right. I was going to blow my head off. This way my wife would know I loved her, and Sarah would be safe. My wife did not want me too, but I saw no other way. I told Sarah I was leaving to go, I had to make this right. She cried uncontrollably and I left. I just

left her there, crying.

I went home and she said she would talk to me tomorrow. I sat all day in agony, drinking and waiting. She ignored me all day until late afternoon, then she got on Skype. I started crying uncontrollably, I had my gun on the desk by this time. I was waiting for her to give me the final fuck you. She never did, but I noticed how cold she was, she almost cried then she wiped the tear before I saw it. Something wTas defiantly wrong. I said how can we do this, she said one day at a time. It still didn’t feel right, in retrospect I know now because it WAS wrong. Just another of my wife’s sick fucking head games. She was toying with me, I was to desperate to believe otherwise. When i went home that night, something changed in me. I had destroyed 2 lives, or so I thought. I tried to something right, and it never went more wrong. I was believing my wife’s bullshit on how selfish I was I forgot how i got into this in the first place. I felt so much agony I couldn’t understand, I never felt like this before. Not for a very long time. I just didn’t know how long.

I knew she was gone, I jammed that gun in my mouth more times than I could count. I was talking to Noelle, my wife must have contacted Justin at some point, Sarah called first. She said she was lighting a candle and praying for me, she begged me not to go. I said thank you, but I need to talk to my wife. Justin then called, when he made me promise and told me he couldn’t take his mother dying and me dead, I promised him. i begged for my wife to sleep with me, before she agreed she asked me to pay her 100 dollar wal mart bill. I almost die, but hey before you do can you pay one last bill? Jesus Christ this woman. Me? I fucking do it, I would have done anything that night, the sad part is she knew it and used me for it. She had no intention of shit. When I finally laid down she muted her phone and pretended to. I knew she wasn’t I even hung up and tried to call back, no answer. She said she was breathing shallow. Bullshit she was breathing on Daniel.

The next morning she wouldn’t answer my text or calls for hours, she said she was getting the kids off to school, but I knew better she would always answer her phone when I called, but I wanted the one chance, the one day to show her what she meant to me. I didn’t know why I felt the way I felt. I woke up with no more hate. I forgave not only her for all she ever did to me, but everyone, everything, all my life, even Vincent was gone, there was just me, the scared fragile crying child begging for love, for approval, for her love and approval. I spent the day showering her with all I felt, God I never felt so much. She tells me she met Daniel the first time at Karen’s when she was sick but he would go home etc nothing happened and she was invited to his families for thanksgiving so she could cook dinner for everyone and the kiss was staged. If you buy that bullshit, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. But again, I didn’t care about then, only now. Now on.

We even talked about Sarah, she mentioned how it could’ve worked if certain things happened, I was thinking good now I can tell Sarah what’s going on. I message Sarah and tell her I don’t know where she will be yet, if anywhere, but we need the space and time to figure all this out. My wife says she’s babysitting and she would go to her mother’s to sleep later. I said ok I’ll text her in the night,

I did, and Daniel answers the text. He says this was a plan to treat me like shit and fuck with my head, but it backfired when she read about Sarah. He said I would be contacted no further until the divorce was final and he was taking her cell phone. Ouch, one more mind fuck from my wife and the cocksucker. Yes it hurt, but not as bad. I half expected it.

I tried calling her the next day, and texting, it was no good. But this was Daniel, she never gives her cell out to anybody, it just didn’t make any sense. She hid and locked that fucking thing from me like no tomorrow. He’s got all access because he was in on this fucking thing, fucking scumbag. The revenge was almost perfect, they just didn’t figure on Sarah being the real McCoy. No matter, they still did plenty. So I asked my friend George to go down and see if he could get her to at least talk to me, it made no fucking sense, I just let Sarah know we needed space,

I mean what the fuck? Little did i know he was already in my house. Kaitlynn comes out, alone. She tells George mommy has been sleeping over for days at a time and taking clothes, and she was alone. Cody was staying at friends so he could eat supper they had no food in the house. George tells me man , this sounds like its been going on for more than 6 months. I fucking lost it. All that time, all that space, all that free time in her schedule she was supposed to be getting herself together, she was fucking man shopping. Jesus Christ. She was hardly a fucking human being at this point. She wouldn’t let George in the house, no doubt due to Daniel’s shit in there already. Well I didn’t have enough answers but I sure knew i was deceived but my wife’s shady bullshit. Her lies, her deceit, her depravity finally turned to me.

But kaitlynn was alone, and I’m thinking my wife’s got to be on fucking drugs she never leaves that girl alone. No food? Days? Jesus. I called my mom and she said she was worried too. I tried calling my wife and letting it ring and ring and ring. First I left a voicemail yelling about kai and her fucking whore ass with her god damn bullshit. Then Daniel picks up the phone and says she doesn’t want you anymore don’t you get it? and he hangs up. Well fuck, I called the cops for a wellness check. The cop goes by and nobodies home. So now I’m wtf did mommy tell her not answer the door? where the fuck did she go. This is when I call the landlord, I asked if anybody in the park can check on her, he said he knew where Cody was and he had Joe’s number, he also said the wife was 3 months behind in her rent and said he was evicting her. Not my fucking problem anymore. In retrospect she had this covered, with Daniel’s end she’ll have more than enough to do everything she used to do. I am sure this was a deciding factor, I am not buying the high school reunion bullshit.

What in the fuck did I do to get done this dirty, it wasn’t Sarah, Daniel was in the picture long before that. Nobody moves this fast. Nobody. We’ll wait, she was that fast with me too, still married even. Fucking bitch. I just couldn’t believe I was never nothing to her. Nothing but a tool in her box until something else came along when i was used up and out of gas. I’m sitting here waiting for her to break down my walls and the damage she caused, she’s fucking man shopping. What a fucking fool I am. I cancelled the 100 dollar charge on my credit card for that stupid walmart bill, which mind you when I looked had all this shit for Daniel.

She had a new slut bag she was buying for herself with wheels, pajamas for a grown man I mean what the fuck how low can you be. He probably is wearing that cross right fucking now as i type. I bought it right? dick.

Time went on, and between the bout of rage, depression and despair and the harassing texts I got from my wife every now and again and the fights I was getting the impression this was far from over. She got her dream guy, she did her damage. Leave me the fuck alone. Evidently she could not, she had to abuse somebody I guess. I couldn’t live with this pain anymore, this despair. I was really suffering. It all went wrong, it was all me, and I couldn’t change it. i took a lot more weight than I deserved to, I still do. I didn’t know how to heal, I needed help from someone neutral, someone spiritual, someone loving. I started talking to my mother. I told her everything, all of it. everything I could think of, She asked me if I wanted to save my marriage, I said yes. she said would you give up anything to save it? I said even my own life if need be. She said show that to God. So I did, I cut off everyone and everything but my mother and Justin. Social media, all my groups, all of it. My mother said expect nothing from all of this, but if you show God how serious you are for answers you will get them. God I needed them.

I still could not believe it, I know what I felt, it just couldn’t have been one sided,

I felt her just as deep as me, and I knew I couldn’t away. She couldn’t either. We had to fix this. It was up to me. I had to sacrifice, I did. All of it. Even Sarah. I sat on Skype everyday waiting to talk to my wife, never ignoring her. She barley spoke to me, had no answers, told me she had jobs and did volunteer work which was fucking unheard of for her. In retrospect there some angle to that shit she is doing, I still don’t know what. But I am willing to bet it has to do with money and Daniel. She finally was able to say we would never be husband and wife again, she was living alone, and wanted be by herself for a while. So I got my answer, fuck the rest of the bullshit, she never did shit without a man her whole life. It ain’t changing now. Friends? After all we been through and all I did for you and the nothing you done for me but be a liar, betray me, use me , and tag along for my sex-capades that you approved of? You want to be friends? she was the lousiest friend I ever had when we were together, she barley spoke to me, and when she did it was all the same cats, weather, and kids. Fuck you. If you don’t want to be my wife you will be nothing to me, I promise. So I said very nicely, thanks wish you all best and goodbye. I wrote her off. Done.

At this point in my mind at the very minimum they are having a non sexual D/s relationship according to her, and she gave him her heart. I even spotted her wearing jewelry he got her. She won’t admit it, but I fucking know better. No more wedding ring, she even changed her name to her maiden name on facebook, and removed every bit of me. Pictures, all of it. My mother says not to give up, pray for a miracle. I at this point was more interested in growing out of this pain in my heart, I lost all my armor, my walls of emotional shielding were shattered, i was so fragile. I had to heal, I had to forgive, I had to love her, I had to move on. I needed to also combat a spiritual sickness. Bitterness, rejection, and forgiveness. Every night at 8pm my mother and I would read the bible, do a course of spiritual healing she bought me, and i started to feel better.

I began to pray every night again, I blessed my wife, I blessed Daniel, I begged for forgiveness, I cried and wailed until snot would come out of nose in despair for help and my penance. I truly believed in what I was saying, I was trying to remember how much I always loved my wife, and I found it. My mother said before Christmas she sent some stuff to the kids, I said not to but she did anyway. Fuckers never even said thank you. After all she done for them, even had them monsters in her home to keep them from getting swiped by CPS as a direct result of fucking Matthew, how quickly they forget when mom does right? I decided to reach out to kaitlynn, I felt really sorry for her and her part to play in all of this with George. If she wanted me as a father, I would be. I wanted to be. Was not to concerned with the wife at this point, kai had all my wife had, minus the anger, insanity, lies, and manipulation.

I bought her a pendant for 200 and some change, solid handmade silver with our birthstones in it and a note. I found out later she lost it. I also found out later she was being used by her mother to manipulate me, but that’s later. When I mailed it out and it arrived it was the first time I heard from the wife in weeks. Nice mind fuck on my daughters head. No mind fuck, I was genuine. I was even genuine to my wife. For weeks she would name call me, make up lies about the situation, abuse me verbally, and all i kept doing was trying to explain and answer ever foul question from her foul fucking mouth and respond with love and forgiveness, I did. I just wanted her happy with her life, I was trying to do the same. It was obvious she wasn’t so I eventually just asked if she wanted to work it out or what? She would go back and forth with this for moths, saying maybe, then yes, then no, then drop Sarah, then maybe a poly, then behind Dan’s back, but I started to realize a pattern. It was abuse, then more abuse, then I wouldn’t take anymore than she would thrown in some hope, keep me on the hook, and just do more abuse. She would even contact my mother when I had enough, and try to manipulate her with lies to manipulate me.

It was a real mind fuck for the longest time, but the end of January i had an opportunity, kaitlynn was not calling me or speaking to me and my wife with her infamous bullshit says it’s because kaitlynn doesn’t have a cell phone. Bullshit she didn’t give a fuck to talk to me, she had a new dad and a new sister and a happy mommy. Out of sight is out of mind with these people. I was tired of the lack of answers, tired of the lies, tired of my word against hers. So I bought a cell phone and sent it down to her. It had a hack installed in it to broadcast to me her gps, take pictures while a text was being typed, intercept texts, mms messages, Skype, facebook, all snapped pictures kai took and video she recorded. Incoming and outgoing calls. Despite my wife’s accusation it could not just record audio and video anytime I wanted it to. I basically had access to all of her activity on her phone, even apps she installed. I took a shot on maybe getting some truth here. I talked to my mother about it, I even talked to Sarah about it. But my mother said be careful you are absolutely ready for the truth, you may not want it. All the years of lies and bullshit out of her I could not prove because I trusted her fucking ass, I was ready.

Well I got it. I got my wife on many occasions pretending to be kaitlynn, especially when my wife was pissing me off with her abuse or i would quit talking to her. Or when I made a post on this site she didn’t like. I got pictures of them all interacting with Daniel and his family, I got video kaitlynn recorded of her and sierra in their new room together, I got all i needed. I even got the wife texting kai to not say anything to Gary I was stalking and harassing her. Funny thing is since thanksgiving. I never contacted her. Not initially not once. This is the lying bullshit she would tell everyone. She would be the one hitting me up for fucks sake. I told her when she was do not build this relationship whatever it may be on one lie. She lied about being sick, places she wasn’t places she was, her and Daniel and their relationship status, all of it. It was nothing but a mind fuck. Daniel is mostly aware of it I’m sure, I wonder if he’s aware of her masturbating on Skype recording with a time stamped chat box and dates that is sure around the time they were together though? well if he reads this someday, hit me up. See what kind of woman you got there. Oh yah she told my you have erectile dysfunction and you don’t fuck at all. Not like I care or anything, they make pills and I am sure you have a tongue, so just another lie. That’s even if you have it with a daughter, sure that works out.

All this time i am begging for my wife to come around with the truth, I still love her, i still forgive her, but god dammit this fucking with my heart shit has to stop. The last day I told her about the phone, she even had kaitlynn call me to say she wasn’t in on it, she was. I got pictures of them passing the phone off. Yes there both typing, its the only time they take pics, and kai can’t spell worth shit, my wife can. You can tell in the screenshots of the text it ain’t kai. Totally different styles of writing and attitudes. This was all just one big fucking joke to them both, and that’s ok. Maybe now it’s finally over. She’ll leave me the fuck alone, the divorce, my legal divorce will go final because i haven’t even been served by hers yet, but whatever. She won’t sign mine. That’s fine I don’t need that either. I can’t even stop it right now if I wanted to, it’s all in process.

I uninstalled the virus remotely, it’s no longer on her phone, but the family base plan app shows texts and calls still. If I do not see any traffic by the end of April, I’ll disconnect the phone. Keep it, it done its job. She never called or texted me unless you told her anyway, remember I got the call logs.

I still even after all this bullshit love and forgive my wife. I loved her all along for all her lies, all her crazy, all her bullshit, all of her failures. I can walk away from this and say I love her more than her most powerful love could ever love me, and with what I am now I love her more than any man ever could. I can say that by example.

She won’t forgive me for lying about my affairs.

I forgave her for lying about Daniel,

She won’t forgive me for replacing her with Sarah.

I never replaced her with Sarah, I love you both, you replaced me with Daniel I forgive you.

She won’t forgive me for the verbal and physical abuse.

I forgave her for years on multiple occasion and she started it.

She won’t forgive me for giving my heart to Sarah I forgive you for giving it to Daniel

She says she believes in our marital vows and I ruined it Your bullshit should have ruined mine, they still have not

She said she had tried to be friends,

Fuck her lying ass friendship, it’s worse than her lying ass as a wife, she was never there for me like I was for her, just read back the last 10 years the hoops I jumped for her.

She said she’s leaving me because i broke our contract

She broke her when she did that couple, even when she sent that video, and

kissed Daniel Here i am still loving still staying still forgiving till the end.

She said all my friends hate her.

Well all your friends hate me, but my friends hate because they know the truth, your friends are morons that follow your bullshit blindly, just like I did. Or fucking snakes in the grass themselves.

Oh how dare you clone my daughters phone to find out how bad I was lying and

fucking with your head… This woman would Snoop through my cell my PC my

email even the admin on site not to mention my drawers, storage boxes and my wallet. I forgive you.

You left me here in Texas to fend for myself and you stopped helping me….

I left you in Texas because your kids and you fucked up my parents, and tanked the plan. I looked after you and helped looked after your grandparents, I helped your mother, your kids, I even supported the family while you never lifted a finger to work. You couldn’t even keep your own god damn house clean. Now you run from me when I am burying and taking care of mine. You kidding when you say you loved me?

I could go on, her reasons are not because of what I done. It’s because her love was phony, her vows were phony, her submission was phony. It will not change, she’ll be whatever she needs to be to survive. It’s who she is. But she can’t fake it forever, you’ll get yours Daniel. You don’t have the balls to even walk where I been with her.

So that is my tale, take it for what it is. Just like the rest of what I have been writing since last December. From here, from now I close the book. I do not look back, I do not give a shit what she writes, says or does concerning me. Maybe someday the guilt will rot her from the inside out just like her mother, maybe it will not. But in all reality, I wish her all the love joy and happiness she deserves. It has been long overdue for mine. A genuine loving non abusive family that see’s me for me . What I am, how special I am, how wonderful i am. Not because of what I do for them, because of who I am. After this it will be nothing but me and Sarah, I expect my wife to finally quit reading. Goodbye, I will make it a point after the divorce to replace you, and rub you the fuck out of my existence forever.

I will not speak your name and everything we have done I will make sure to make new better memories with Sarah. She deserves that for all she has put up with me. You will not even be a memory, you will be what you always feared you would be. One big long giant unwanted mistake. Good luck with Daniel, do better with him, if you can. You lost more than you will ever know. I could have made you happy for all your days. I would have. You lost your soul mate, but the nice thing about that is, I found mine. Thanks for allowing me to do that.

I certainly am not who I was, I am all me again, with a touch of Vincent for cover.

I love a hell of lot more than I hate, and now I know how to practice genuine love, I am a huge fan. It was a fucking shame Sarah has to be the receiver of it. Despite all your bullshit wife, I was always waiting and hoping from the day I met you, it would be you. It should have been, you let your insecurities and your plagued mind, your friends, your back door man, they all got to you. They all swallowed your lies now you’re in a dream world trying to back it up. It’s ok, the ones that get curious will find this, and you. Since you’re so fond of names on your journal,
here’s some you might like too. Oh, and P.S 17 is of consensual age to have sex in the state of Texas, so ummm, go fuck yourself kam was legal

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