My wife said to me on many occasion tell the truth for once. You hide things, you lie about things, why don’t you tell the truth? The answer which I never gave her was because my wife never did either. Two wrongs never made a right this is true, and although I cannot amend what I have done or be forgiven by her for it, I can until the very end of this, not only make a point to be truthful to my wife, but also to Sarah and my family and friends. I made strong bonds with people due to my truth over the years, and my ability to go above and beyond being there for them, guiding, providing, whatever. I have also been able to prove while I write all of this, my wife cannot tell the truth to save her life, our marriage, our love, or what she professes to be love. Since love is forgiveness among many other things, anyone who cannot forgive me does not love me. Anyone that can break destroy or remove that love once placed was never a person I even wanted to have. So as she has seen my truth, as I finally break my silence on her faults, Sarah’s faults, and my own in the 3rd part. I noticed a funny thing. My wife rejecting me, rejecting who I am, rejecting what I am, rejecting how I think, rejecting me and Sarah coming closer.
Whatever she did love was obviously not all of me. Even before she announced what she wanted, I was in no way capable of loving her for all she was, I resented her. But as she removed the things I did like, my love dwindled and removed. I suspect as I removed my financial support, hers did the same. Through my growth I was able to recognize she never really loved me then, we never knew how either of us. As I grow and as I learn, I can now. I can’t blame her for not growing, other than to say life’s choices are so much easier with something new. Either way she does not and cannot love what I am now, I myself am still in love with who she was, but she is not even who she was now. So my wife has died, I have died and been reborn, and she will not even glance at me at this point. I don’t even think we could connect anymore at all. I am in love with a dream I had all my life, I tried to place it in her because she asked to be molded by me. She would not wear it, and although that makes me sad and full of woe and grief, it gives me the acceptance I need to forget it and move on.
The group that Sarah was involved in was what i consider a
lighter social BDSM group. A couple of really good admins, and some decent and
respectful people. Always a pile of idiots here and there, little of the tar and
feather crowd, the usual. So few of us left, you know. D/s is as ancient a
practice and follows all the
back to the bible itself and beyond. The suffrage moment, woman’s lib etc.. they have not had equal rights for that long, hell the black man has had more rights for longer if you think about it. 2 generations ago woman’s work was a common word. I know because my grandmother still says it. D/s in its pure form without all the kink and stupid crap you see in pornography and movies, is just what it is on its face. A decision maker, a patriarch, a hand that wills the home. The strength, the provider, the protector, the front line. The submissive is the support and execution of the dominant’s will, realizing that they are as the bible describes the weaker vessel.
By weak this does not mean they are inferior, it means without a supporting role in the relationship, not a leading role, they are not operating to their best potential. This is not the way every relationship should be mind you, this is what some people still accept, still believe, and still practice. It’s as basic a core as any belief, you believe in it because it works, it fulfills your life, it completes you. I have had the joy of running the majority of my relationships in a D/s fashion, Kink or no kink, protocol or not. I told myself a long time ago no one person would ever control me again. For most of my life I was able to stick to that belief, and all of views on any BDSM subject stem from that core. Some are better at leading some are better at following. It’s just the way it is. The way it always was.
However, this yin and yang is a dangerous commitment, should one fail or falter the other half does as well with any union, the scales move out of balance. The biggest problem I have found to do this is jealousy. From outside sources, the sub, even the dom. Sometimes they don’t want to be the first through the door catching bullets, sometimes they are too tired to lead the charge. This is actually where the submissive is more powerful, only she know the magic words, the magic touch, the words to make him want to get up and fight on. She’ll even carry him if she has to. Her whole world is invested in this man, her role is to be the very glue that holds him together, and makes him want to fight on. When a submissive loses her role, it is a much harder loss due to the belief and faith she had in a failing dom. She faults herself for his shortcomings, and blames herself for the lack of ability to correct them. This will lead to suicidal thoughts and bout of depression. Self worth also comes into question. Starting to see why this commitment is so serious and life long? They agree to be symbiotic with each other. It’s an amount of faith and trust immeasurable in most typical relationships. Sharing that point of view can be scary to people, people hate and destroy what they can never acquire or understand. It’s human nature.
When I was responding to Sarah’s post, I was not even talking from my current situation with my wife. It was a terrible example. I spoke in what I was originally spoken to of, the long chats into the night of our nobility, our duty, our pride. We are the saviors of the lost, we are the penance to their pain, we are the lovers of the lost, the damaged, the hopeless. We are the last of the nobility, we are not found, we are not trained, we are chosen. We are chosen by our destiny and path
in life. We can deny what we are or learn to embrace it. Those ones, those ones were the ones she was looking for. Certainly not I, not now, not anymore. I was nothing but a broken down bookcase with old dusty books no one wanted to read anymore. The old man of hot air the kids laugh at and imitate with funny faces. The coot. Kind of took me by surprise when she was following me around after that.
I’d comment she’d either like it, or like and comment on it. Really anywhere I posted. Almost like I had a fan. I had a few here and there, but there was just something more in the way she wrote, a desperation in it. Like a sinking into the mire, and nobody but me noticing. Don’t get me wrong it was well covered up and incredibly hard to spot, but I can tune into the way people say things sometimes, it’s a familiar voice or face I can never place. Like a deja vu’
We audio chatted on facebook and Skype, sort of became casual chat buddies. No sex, no flirting, no picture swapping. Mostly interacted in the group speaking and replying on various subjects. I am not much of a social butterfly, I usually only take on one new face at a time. Wait a while, see if they pass. People usually do when they find out your married or you’re not interested in them. Sarah knew from the rip, I mentioned my wife and submissive on a number of occasions, but never really used us as an example or circumstance. At the time and the way things were, i didn’t have much to share. A few weeks pass, and she’s still around, talked to a few prospective Dom type on fetlife and in the group, nothing panning out much more than your usual wanna-be freak off the leash. I used to always complain about the same shit, I missed my old crew, i really did, I had no idea what this world has become since, corny shallow half baked traditions and modern morals and women ruling it all. Submissive or Dom female, they seem to all talk like they found a way. The modern requirement seems to be turn in your balls to your sub and she’ll lie to everyone about how sub she is and how Dom her man is. Just all wrong.
Kinksters also tend to confuse themselves as a Dom when they are just a top. Throwing a whip at the right angle is not dominance, it’s kink, nothing more. Knowledge on specialty kink? flame cupping say, devices, cutting? Still a top.
Your just a top. Deal with it. Sadly, that is most of what you see. So my wife who was also failing to share that belief got me to thinking, here I am training someone who doesn’t want anything more than kink, Sarah has little to no serious or exotic kink but wants the kind of thing I instill. It was like the chocolate truck crashed into the peanut butter truck. The best part was, she wasn’t looking for anything out of me than what i was willing to give. It just made sense at the time in my head. Granted my head was not in the best place either, I was suffering from loneliness, depression, rejection, loss and abuse. I was a ship battered at sea, with no port of harbor.
Everything I tried to do failed, Friends, my brother, Justin, nothing was pulling me out of this. I kind of accepted my fate at the time. A failure. Nothing more. But just because i failed with what I had did not mean somebody else couldn’t do better with my toolbox. Sarah could be that one. She was passive, she was respectful, she is a nurse. She cares for people with dementia in an old folks home, even a member of her own family. She had a strong mother ethic, extremely domestic. Talked a lot about her family and interacting with all of them. I never had that much interaction with my own. It showed me she believed in the family unit, and the support of it as a whole. Fully independent, and yet incomplete. She has a grown son, a middle daughter, and a young son. Oldest was going to school, the daughter is pretty active in the social circle with friends, and the youngest son is a sensitive addicted to you tube. I’m a bit of a curiosity to him, and oddly from time to time Sarah says he seeks my approval from time to time.
She needed all the work my wife refused to carry on, and I needed something to fight for. I needed to be a reason on this planet other than a payout and old lady taxi driver. She wanted what was in my head, and in what little heart I had left. It was valued, it was correct to someone for once. There was something more to sense in her though. Some kind of armor. It was tough. Like a street tough I have never seen in a woman I had any kind of interest in. All of mine were meek minus my wife, but this was different still. Maybe a standard defense every single mom has with no good man to allow them to be a girl again. It really was as good a fit as it was going to get, someday my wife would need to be taken care of, someday I would have to work anyway, at some point my wife will want me again, I refused to believe she was gone. I refused to believe I was gone. I couldn’t tell you how many time we were together and all anyone had to say was they could tell we loved each other very much. It had to come back. It just had to. She owed me that much at least. Meantime however, maybe I could stall my plans of wiping myself out and pass on something of me to someone who wanted to carry it.
I was the one who presented the idea to Sarah first, she was going to be a permanent fixture I just didn’t know where the line would be. I figured the worst she could say is fuck no fuck off, and that be it. She said yes before i even finished the question, almost like a groupie who got a date with the lead singer of her favorite band. I was pretty taken back, I couldn’t remember the last time anyone was doe eyed in my presence. I was just there. It’s hard for me to say no to that, I hate when the honeymoon phase in the relationship dies. Sad part is it never dies on my end until my partner ends up killing it. I am who i am from the beginning and throughout until I get damaged beyond repair. Up to this point I could never be repaired. No woman as hard as they ever tried ever has. Very few could reach through my walls and touch my heart, or my cinder block room with the me nobody wanted bricked up from the rest of the world. Whenever my wife saw it, she squashed it like a bug.
I then went to my wife and did what I had to do to iron out a contract. Then me
and Sarah went to work. We spent the next week or 2 writing out her rigid schedule, planning time for her schooling, family, me, workshops, essay’s, even books and regular sessions of self pleasure activities. Girls got to be tended to somehow when she doesn’t have a man, or else they forget it’s there I think. Sarah gave up on being a girl, so I thought it be a nice change to get that back together as well. Makeup, dress, I loved doing all this shit with my wife, it was fun with her too. Something started to happen to me, I began to smile again. I even laughed a time or 2. She was actually funny, she was interesting, she had stories. She had quite a life. She listened to me, even asked deeper into me. She wanted to know me too, not just the D/s stuff. So I began to talk to her, sometimes way too much, but it was so long since I spoke to anyone and we gelled. Not since me and Justin. We were on a level with each other, we both knew what it was like to be around people who used us. We both had our hearts broke, we both had independent strength, we were also both abusers at points in our lives. We both needed an absolution from that I think in retrospect.
We saw the value to each other, we found each other special. Sarah was one of a kind in her own right, just like my wife. Both very different, it really amazed me how well they would have complimented each other. As a prospect she was also officially in the dynamic, but not in a sexual fashion. The wife wanted that to be strictly separated, I had no problem with that. I never even saw what Sarah looked like until I had to present the idea to my wife, I figured she would want a picture at least. I did think once a week at least a meet would be in order to see if they could get any closer or all of us as a whole. This is where it started to get bad. I would spend the whole week selling my wife and how great we were to Sarah, then Friday would come and my wife would have an attitude or start throwing a fit. Arguing with me over shit that Sarah should have never even heard. It seemed like my wife was trying to make it look like she was in control of me. Of course this raised questions in Sarah.
She would ask me, at first I tried to defend my wife, she’s just having a bad day, she’s got some issues, we’re going through a lot right now, the usual thing the abused say so they are not embarrassed for staying in the kind of relationship they have. By this time she was introduced to Justin, and Justin started hearing the stories too. He really had enough of the wife shit over the years, so he started in me, then Sarah would tell me what I heard for years, the wife is going to destroy you if you stay with her. I was the usual reply of she’s my wife, she’s what I married, better or worse, even though it worse right now, it has to get better. It became Sarah’s main interest to figure out why I was with my wife, and why I endured all she put me through. I told her all the shit I did, I hit her sometimes we fought, I get angry a lot, I would be verbal degrading nightmare, I would build her and tear her down. We hid things from each other, the more I talked the more she asked, the worse it got. I just couldn’t hide it anymore, she was too close. She knew what was going on, and she stayed.
As the wife spiraled down and after every fight she had with me, Sarah would be there. She listened, she never judged. She never spoke ill of my wife, I would not tolerate it. That was untouchable, she was her domina, like it or not. If she wanted me she had to take my wife, no exceptions. The more she stayed, the higher she lifted me, the stronger I became, the worse my wife got. She did not want her husband being a Dom to her again. She worked long and hard to brainwash me into thinking how wrong I was in what I believed. It’s ok, she didn’t believe it because I guess she figured if she couldn’t follow me, no one would. Once she found out Sarah would, it became her goal to tear us apart. Putting not only her collar, but our entire marriage on the line. The bigger the defiance, the less I wanted to be around her. She was pushing herself away in anger. She had to look at someone who was getting kudos, adoration, praise, and pride from a man she wanted it from. She wanted me to give it to her, like her collar, like her hand in marriage, why work for it when you can throw temper tantrums till you get it to shut up? Sarah was earning it, workshop by workshop, picture after picture, she kept her house in order, her kids with time, her schooling, her job, her D/s. I was really proud of her, like a sponge or a duck in water.
After my wife left me i honestly did not know what to expect, I figured Sarah would go. Without her it was just me, and like my wife thought me garbage I assumed she would too. She however, did not. The night I first went up to see her I called, she was at work. I said i don’t have anywhere to go and she invited me up to thanksgiving with her family. I was not in the mood or any condition for a family meet but if she could make me smile through a pc, I had to wonder what she could do in person. If i was going to lose, I was going to lose big. All or nothing. It was a slow painful trip up there that is for sure. I felt so empty, so cold. I was exhausted and shot full of tears. But I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop shaking. We were speaking on the phone to each other for around 10 min before I pulled in. It was freezing up there, she was waiting on the porch. From the looks of her probably a lot longer than 10 minutes. I saw her in my mirror walking across the street to me. She came out to me, just wow she came out to me. I met her at the back of my van, I wasn’t quite what i was going to do till she got about 2 feet in front of and in a millisecond I knew through the depths of my very heart she was not only straight up the whole way from the rip in honesty, she was smiling at me. Smiling at me. I kissed her with a kiss that shook the ground we stood on.
I felt life, I felt a heart, beating like I never had in years. I felt a warmth in the winter like a sunshine on a beach in the morning with a cool breeze on you. It was right then i knew not only did I love this woman, I could bond to this woman. It was right then, right there, I knew she was a keeper. The first night we discussed a few things, mainly the D/s dynamic. I explained that we need to redefine what we are now. She was no longer kept in a certain place or position, no longer would a line be drawn, no longer did my wife have any kind of say on what we do, she has moved on. If we are actually going to have a solid partnership, the only way it’s done is the bottom up. We need to just be together for now, see how we do. Go from there. She agreed and all protocol was laid to the side. I was me, she was her. I spent the first night getting hammered and crying, with Sarah comforting me the whole way, because she knew how much I loved my wife, she knew who she was to be, she knew she would have to shoulder this grief with me, the grief of a broken, regret filled man. No other woman i ever had including my wife would ever make a choice like that. To love one and carry a broken heart by another. It was the strangest feeling I ever had.
I was a different man getting out of that van. After that night of suicide attempts and wal mart shopping for her man I was different. I had all these emotions back I didn’t know what to do with. I could feel again. All of them rushing around. I felt the love and loss of my wife again, it was a powerful feeling. My love for Sarah was skin deep before that night, it was logical, it was a deep respect and an adoration for how she respected and treated me. After that night right when i got out of the van to meet her, That kiss I truly felt, fell, and had an emotional and soul binding love for this woman. No bullshit, not this time.
Thanksgiving day with her family was an extremely nervous experience. Her family knew I was married, they knew Sarah was a part of this poly, they were not informed yet my wife left me for another man. I had no idea what they would think of me. Strange how well received i was. Her family is a load of nice people.
It was so long since I watched a woman just be a woman. Parking all the food brought, getting the men to get tables and chairs, setting things up, cooking, chasing tons of kids. All in love, no screaming just smiles and laughs. Reminded me of my family when we were on bridge street. I didn’t feel home, but this was defiantly the best place to be for me from the cold and the storm outside in the world. I could rest here, and I did. First time in a long time I spent most of my time drunk or high, Sarah would try to slow me down, but even she knew it wasn’t happening. Sometimes it’s all you have to kill the pain, and I refused to mope around while my wife was laughing in the isles at the damage done to me.
She was extremely comforting and consoling, nurturing. She really didn’t have to be, in fact I still do not know of any woman who would be. She prayed for me, she showed my all her bags of stones, some were for me, some were for my wife and her prayer of her approval, some were for all of us. I built an appreciation for a woman of spiritual faith, my wife never prayed for a fucking thing ever. I never even seen her struggle to grow spiritually. Even though we believed differently, just the fact she believed and was willing to share that belief with me was totally new. The next night as I waited on her windowsill, smoking and staring at my phone. I thought maybe, just maybe I would get a call. Maybe she would change her mind, Maybe. I would have left then and there to get her, truly. Not because me and Sarah were doing so bad or anything, but because first and foremost she was my wife, and she had a lot of confusion about me and Sarah. Sometimes she would say the meanest shit and when she calmed down, started thinking
rationally she would miss me, come back. But not this time, this time she spent our anniversary in another man’s arms, and so did I. Shelter from the storm.
The wife comes in and starts blowing up my phone with her bullshit, the drinking got rid of most of that, my days with Sarah were walking by her and just hugging, holding, just hours of hold me so tight so I do not fall, her smiling response was easy to read. I will carry this man, I will carry this man because he is worth it. I was worth it. Not my wallet, not my deeds, not my sacrifice. Me as I was broken hearted and piss drunk with sadness. I was worth it.
The wife gave me the chance to go home and work it out, I took it. She was my wife, divorce or not, back door man or not, liar or not, she was my wife. I was a servant to that vow. In all our times of hardship it seemed some days the only thing I hung on to. She could have just hinted to wanting to work this out and I would have done anything to go home to my wife. I would have drove straight to Texas. All she had to do was take one look at my face in real life, she would have known. When I contacted Sarah and told her to back off until we sort this, it may not be now, tomorrow or ever I could have her back but my wife comes first, Sarah always knew that. No matter who she was or how she acted, my wife came first. She agreed with a heavy heart and for a day I began to work something new with my wife. Just me, no bullshit. I spoke to her in forgiveness, my sorrow and guilt, love and adoration. I was not going to fuck this up, whatever she wanted. I was even willing to back out of D/s and drop anyone she never liked for any reason, even if it was bullshit. I began to realize nothing was worth losing her, not even my respect or pride. I should have fought back over shit so stupid. I should have valued the marriage for what it was, priceless.
After the betrayal yet again I just had to accept it was over, and go on. She didn’t want me, Sarah still did. So naturally me and Sarah grew much closer over time. She has faithfully slept with me together or apart by phone or in bed, every day since this. After all that happened I could not sleep alone. I would see images of my wife, the pain of the loss, anxiety and panic would get in me, But hearing her breathe even on the phone would calm me, it give me something warm to focus on, and we would talk deep into the night. I went up again for a few days in mid December, the wife would send me texts full of hate and foul. Sometimes I would respond sometimes not. Sometimes I just got so pissed I fired back with the ugliest shit that ever came out of my mouth. But she was supposed to be fucking gone, it’s what she wanted. Just fucking go then. Why make all this bullshit trouble? She’d send me text on her cell, on her texting online accounts, it was just so silly. She would not speak to me or see me, I thought it was because she was scared I’d convince her to change her mind, but it was because Daniel was unpacking and settling in.
So for this trip[ the best day was when I went with her family and we picked out a
Christmas tree, cut it down and went back to her place with a couple of pizzas. New York? pizza is bad ass forget about it! We were right by Woodstock to, home of bob Dylan. The Catskills are just gorgeous, the woods are pretty, and the creeks are everywhere, even one behind Sarah’s house. I love being near water, it soothes me. It always did, even in England. Her family was so nice, I really liked these people, they treated me with respect, curiosity, and fair. More than fair. I went home with a plan to come back soon for Christmas, I still had my grandmother to look after and a bunch of jobs to do in between so at least I was going to stay busy.
The third trip was amazing despite it all. I just had no one to talk to but Sarah, she read and listened to everything that was happening. I kept no secrets, I said no lies about I felt. I love my wife, I forgive my wife, and if there was a way to put it back together I would in a heartbeat. Christmas was a prime example of that. Here I was with Justin and Sarah her whole family and I’m spending most of my days talking to kaitlynn and begging the wife for forgiveness and understanding. She was very abusive, I had to go in a room or a quit place to cry here and there, I stayed fucked up most of the time so it wasn’t too hard, and with my family around I certainly did not feel overwhelmed. It was good to have Justin there.
All things have a shoe to drop, a new something or other, a part people tend to hide when they can. This was to be no perfect story. Nothing ever is. We were all drinking one night and playing a game, the wife was blowing up the phone as usual and well, she’s my wife I had to respond. Even if it was nasty i was still trying to be her husband, just give her some peace, a happy heart, the ability to move on , or come back, whatever she wanted. I would have done anything but what she did to me, force me to sit in the middle of her chaos, abuse, and indecision. Sarah was getting fed up with it. She was getting angry and the drinking didn’t help much. At this point she hated my wife and wanted to kill her. Out of respect for me, she usually bit her tongue, but not tonight. A card in the game came up as a truth question, the question was had I ever thought about an ex while having sex with another person, Sarah answered yes for me right away, what a surprise my wife thought the same fucked up shit. I didn’t get mad, didn’t bitch, i just left the table and went upstairs.
Sarah comes up and throws herself at my feet, begging me for forgiveness of what she said, I was surprised, she hates feet and finds them disgusting. Not mine apparently. Kind of a shame though, I give one hell of a foot massage. It was there i told her i gave my wife a hundred the night i was going to shoot myself. She lost it, like bad. She went out screaming and was downstairs yelling extremely loud and aggressive. Way to much to drink. We all did. I stumbled out to the van. That was usually my first reflex, Something was going to get thrown at me or I was getting hit, run. She came out and screamed at me on the street started throwing all my shit in the van. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was in old me mode. I had to think, what did I used to do? I used to believe in the power of my love, and the
genuine truth of the love from my partner. Love is forgiveness, I need to forgive her, I need to understand her pain, her sorrow, I need to embrace it, and I need to let her know that I value our relationship more than anything, more than a petty squabble. I trusted in her having the same feelings.
I held her face I looked her into my eyes, and I said I am sorry I do not want to leave, if you really believe in what we are then let’s fix this. It worked, we did. Not a punch thrown by me, not an object hurled by me, no pushing no yelling no cursing, and it was not forced. It was natural. That was the first night i really new, I was different. Sarah got way to loud, way to vulgar, and busted a shot glass. I wasn’t anywhere near her though, and i could understand. She was taking on more than any woman would for any man, let alone a bum like me. I then also knew if I could do this with Sarah, I could do this with my wife. It’s what i should have stayed doing all along. Damn my pride. Damn my ego. The next day was her at work and me cleaning her whole house top to bottom, even did her laundry. Justin was so in the bag he couldn’t move, Hell I worked on a hangover before, its what men do you know. She came home with a look of awe I ain’t never seen on a woman, especially at me. No man ever done anything like that for her before. Me? hell it was nothing. My wife would get pissed when i cleaned and yank shit out of my hand and yell at me to sit down while she’s scrubbing and bitching away. I mean why bother if it’s like that? but no never a thank you, just i didn’t have to do that. I know i didn’t so thank me for helping you. Try that shit.
The rest of the week was shaky, Sarah was reaching her limit with the wife and the texts, Justin was telling me to make a choice. At this point I was in the position if Sarah is forcing my choice she is no better than my wife. I was not going out of the frying pan into the fire. I would rather stick to plan a and just end it. If she wanted me she would to endure this. My wife was undecided, claiming she was single and Daniel was just a friend she was sick for months and living with her kids struggling. If Daniel promised to take care of her and dropped her, what a fucking loser he was. Shit gets hot and he hauls ass huh? Great guy. wonderful. My wife had a choice anytime to say the words the entire time i was there, all she was trying to do was convince me to go home early. I told her if she pulled her divorce, I’d know she was serious. She gamed with me to much to this point. She never did, I stayed till it was time to go.
Leaving was a little shaky, bitter sweet. I knew Sarah had some serious anger issues to work on, but I felt she would pull through it. She carried me this far, I did not think she would let that get in the way, and for a while she didn’t. Justin has his puddle jumper cancelled on him twice, I ended up driving him to Philly. I had to hold back some major tears seeing my wife in the lavender dress in the window, walking down the steps. Like a dream. Talking to kaitlynn at the same time really didn’t help emotionally, I just wanted to fall apart. But I held it together and made it home.
By January I felt comfortable enough we could love who each other was, with or without D/s so I prospected her again, this time without anything of my wife injected into it. We rewrote all of our agreements and even changed a few to suit each of us better as we were growing. I took her to her first high end salon, even got her a makeup class. A girl needs to be a girl once in a bit, if she was going to be with me she would be more than presentable, just what i expect from all my submissives. She had an amazing makeover, and seeing her done up just melted my heart. She was gorgeous. Over time she changed a few things per my direction, altered her demeanor, her speech, her habits, her attitude. As i was discovering and changing in my journey, I also saw her following in most areas. The biggest change I made was the thank yous. Instead of thank you I preferred her to say i am happy, or you make me so happy. Never in 10 years had i ever heard either. It was a nice change.
The long distance or LDR was also ironed out. We started to have a more serious sex life whether i was there or home here. She has quite an intense libido, It’s been hard to keep our hands off of each other. I love getting my back scratched, due to my shoulders I have been able to in months. She adores me, and man I love being adored. Just makes me want to do more in return, as it should be in all relationships , I would think. She also curbed her drinking considerably, probably to combat the temper. I told her she was covering a symptom, not the problem.
It was at this time I began my serious devotion to the restoration of myself, and the possible repair of my marriage. I told Sarah I needed the time, I told her to let me go and keep to her schedule. If she wanted to wait it was up to her, but I had no idea how long this was going to take, maybe never. I had to try. So as I cut everyone off including Sarah, I began to focus on my issues and what I did to destroy my marriage. Sarah held true to her orders, day in and day out. My wife wasn’t concerned with anything but being friends, and lying about her status with Daniel. She managed to tell me at one point thank god we would never be husband and wife again. I understood, cried, wished her all the best and left it alone. I didn’t want her as a friend, not after all her games and lies. If she was to be my wife were going to commit to being honest with other, no more secrets, no more lies and we were going to never be apart again, i would see to that no matter what it took. Never apart again.
After a few days I realized there was no point in leaving Sarah out, who gave a fuck what my wife thought, she was leaving, she wanted to be nothing to me. Her opinion was moot. So by the early of February I made another trip, again the wife blowing up my phone when she found out where I was. But this time she was different, she was talking a possible poly again. She was confused she said undecided. I would have to wait a decision. My wife said Sarah would never go for
it, I had faith in it. Sarah came into all this with my wife, She knew how i felt about my love for her and my forgiveness, growth and possible restoration I would have given anything up for. If this was possible, this was going to be right. Whatever it took. Sarah collapsed, she lost it. I guess she thought it was over, hell even I did. But with this from my wife I couldn’t say fuck you too bad, I loved her very much.
I emailed my wife the news she was right, and I was heartbroken to believe that Sarah was less than what she claimed she was. Of course my wife was happy to lay into Sarah over this, and in return for me breaking Sarah’s trust she withdrew her submission, made me delete all I had done with her, schedules, rules, all of it. It was over. I was as fine as i could be with that, I would not be in another relationship of lies. Sarah mended it with a few days later, but I never took her submission back since. I needed her to prove to me she would follow me into hell, or be nothing. I would no longer take a submission for anything less than my will executed in full, whether it’s wrong or right, whether you like it or not. Sarah had a long way to prove that shit after this last episode.
Over time the wife tried to convince me she was closer to me, but since kaitlynn had her phone cloned I already knew better. I started to get the picture. She was using me to fill a void she had, she was in with Daniel, his family, her new friends through her son and Daniel. She wasn’t dropping all that new attention and everything she needed. She was just trying to convince me to stay in her life to some agreeable point, even sexually if she had to. She just wanted me to stay around, nothing more. Didn’t mean she wouldn’t lie through her teeth to convince me though, man she did.
My next trip up was valentine’s day. We had a great night, but the error that was done on both our parts loomed a bit. We still put it aside and I had one of the best nights on valentines I did in years. For the first time in ten years, my wife would be somewhere else and so was I. It was at that point, that night between all her lies and my night with Sarah, my feelings for my wife began to fade into the acceptance of the finality. I still had hope she would change, I still remained as sweet as i could to her ignorant ass, even when she wouldn’t answer me for hours, and like usual never spent any serious time with me, this was just worse. I knew every day, it was a fucking lie. This time I knew it though, I finally had the proof.
Sarah worked diligently on herself, she got aligned and began to follow my lead on all aspects, whether she wanted to or not, Even when she didn’t she never made it a point to indicate that to me unless I asked. I was extremely impressed. Even when my wife was complaining still on Sarah writing things on her fetlife profile and facebook. The pictures I posted of us together, she took all of it down just like I did, because I asked her to. Not even under a collar, I am so proud of her. My wife since had repeatedly talked shit on facebook, public and private.
even texted Sarah ugly. Sarah has responded with respect, because I told her to. She keeps her thoughts, written opinions, and what she physically wants to do to her out of my mind. She follows my will, That is submission.
February was us growing even with growing pains, temper on her would flare, but I would remain understand, I would not fight back. I would not get defensive, I would remain calm. If I am truly different, I have to prove it in every aspect of my life, with everyone. Sarah was no exception. As she learns, she grows to. She is again growing with me. But that’s what a great relationship is. Growing with each other, understanding each other, loving each other. The rest just does not belong. Prayer, reading, support, faith, belief, and the realization That my thought process was so fucking wrong with my wife. The guilt and absolution of all of that is still taking a lot of time. Sarah hears everything I think, everything I feel, and everything point my wife and I were at. I would not have relationship of lies again. Always with an ear, always with an opinion on me, not my wife unless I asked. I would share my spiritual growth with her, my confusion, everything. All acknowledged, all accepted, always standing by me, always proud of me. She was happy, and I was special.
Until it was over with my wife, all this was good at the time, for if my wife would have wanted it, I would have to let Sarah go. My covenant above all else was the most important thing I ever gave to anyone. I knew my wife would never come back or really want to short of a miracle, she would never make herself an ass in her current social circle. She was in too deep. I would tell Sarah to have faith in our destiny. If she truly believes i am the one for her, forever no matter what. She should never lose faith in our relationship. Even my wife wouldn’t tear it apart. Lord know she was trying like hell. The wife had more to prove than Sarah did at this point, and her bullshit was getting too much even for me.
Here I was in a relationship full of truth, love, and honesty and a wife full of lies and games and deceit. My hernia operation was coming, and Sarah volunteered to tend to me while i was sick, she had some vacation time, and her kids have active fathers so she left them with dad and came up. The wife didn’t like it, but she wasn’t coming either. I got a text every now again not even asking much on how I’m doing, mostly digs at Sarah and insults. Figures. Sarah as usual came through incredibly well. She truly is an amazing woman.
So at some point in march, my wife down to nothing but short sentences and verbal abuse, so here I am slipping back into the same shit and responding to her the way she talks to me. Then she throws a fucking fit about how I’m talking to her and I just let her have it. I told her about the phone and her bullshit and what I knew was going on. What’s she do? she tells all her friends I’m a sick pedophile recording my stepdaughter dressing. That was it, that’s final. If she thinks of me like that, so horrible, so sick, so capable of being a pedophile? fucking get the fuck
out of my life. I could never be on any kind of relationship level with anybody who even accuses me of that shit. Sick of the games, sick of the abuse, sick of the lies, sick of the indecision. She should have stayed gone in November, but she just didn’t think she hurt me enough yet for all the lies she made up about me. All used, all a game, and the same old broken record of being a cheater. She was cheating to, I mean what the fuck? She never even acknowledged or owned up to anything she ever did to me. to this day she still lies through her teeth about anything she did. She always has some stupid excuse or perception for it. Listen to what she says, you can almost smell the bullshit. She is not a good liar, but she can manipulate into thinking anything’s possible, it’s just who she is.
As the divorce draws to its close and finality, we are now discussing the future together in life, and what we want to do with each other for the rest of our years. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s serious, but what it is, is full of love, hope, and faith. Something I have not had all 3 of in a very long time. My decision with Sarah never produced everything I wanted, but it gave me what I needed. My goal was and always has been a poly dynamic being the next logical step due to my wife’s lack of improvement, and my own as well. She was not ready for anything of that sort, I felt she could have been. Sarah however is, and I look forward to our future and possibly exploring the option. Sarah was never meant to fill the entire void, just plug the holes. But she says she can, time will tell.
My wife told me once I was begging her back because the grass wasn’t greener on the other side, She could not have been any more wrong. I make love now, I have no D/s in practice, I am calm, I am at peace with all of this finally and accept it for what it is. My wife never knew what she had, and couldn’t fathom what to do with it. Sarah not only knows what she has, she fights to keep it. I really have no idea where we are going to go from here, but she is more than ready for anything. I have dreams of swing dancing, of living together soon, maybe a D/s dynamic. Getting involved in the community again, and molding a beautiful piece of wet clay to my will and desires. Before I proceed however, I have to finish my personal growth. I have to be sure my wife is cleansed from me. I will not carry anything of my baggage with her, or my faults from my previous into this one. This will not fail, because I will do this with light and love, not Vincent and bitterness. Not hate. Love and understanding. The fight for the value of what we are and how rare it really is.
Until now I would have accepted my wife back with open arms, putting all of this down and fighting again for her heart. Her love, her forgiveness. I just have to accept my defeat with her and go on. But until the pain of her is out of me, and my visions of her no longer torment me, I must hold my advance, and Sarah will wait by my side, because I am worth it to her. In retrospect looking how both behaved, yes. She is worth it. She always was. You keep someone that comes back to you. No one ever has for me except my wife a very long time ago. All along I realize that was the woman I loved, the woman I married. She is dead, whether I
killed it or not, she should have never died. Mine never did. At the same time however, I will not do something as stupid as to search for something that just is not there ever again. It’s too painful.
April 14. 2017 at 3:40 pm
Marriage is supposed to a bond greater than a single life. It is vows taken to combine two people in loving matrimony, promises made to stay together through the good weather and the storms. To grow and change together, not as separate entities. Marriage is built on trust, faith, and respect without any of these it will crumble and fall apart. I speak on this out of experience as my marriage fell apart over 15 years ago. I was in it whole heartedly and despite my every effort, it ended anyways. As I have read these words several times and I am a witness to the growth of Sir, I can now look back and see why and where mine went wrong, and why he fought so hard for his to remain. For this I thank you Sir.
Moving on without the one you have invested so much time with, one that did not choose to grow with you, is the hardest experience to transition to. It is hard to put the past where it belongs and carry on as if years have not been wasted. The thoughts of not finding someone that will compete you is almost unbearable at times. I can only be grateful that I was enabled the chance to help with this transition period. A time where there are suicidal thoughts, extreme bouts of depression, and questions about ones self and the ability to love another, ever again!
I have personally had a chance to watch and see Sir go through many stages during a time of misery. I have seen him sad and broken. I have seen him lost and angry. Sir has also been full of questions that may never have truthful answers.
He has now become a much different man. He is happy, well as happy as he can be at the moment. He smiles a lot lately. He has always had an undeniable hope within him. I could see it from the first time I looked in his eyes. A hope so great, it inspired me to get to know him better. Sir still has this unbreakable hope to this day, and this to me is courage. He also has a remarkable love. A love that was well hidden when I met him, I wanted so bad to uncover it. Despite his marriage I was hoping to come in and uncover his love so this would grow between the 3 of us. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Sir was able to allow his love to be free only one was receptive and the other, well you read the words.
The admiration I have for this man is beyond anything I have ever felt. His change and ability to act and think differently astounds me. I am so proud of his every decision even if I couldn’t see where it was going at first. Even when I was at my most weakest point and scared to death, Sir was always there for me. Just as he is now, never leaving me to my own destruction. My thoughts can get carried away at times. He is such an amazing man it bothers me that some do not see this. Not everything is perfect, which it does not have to be. Sir always has the best intentions at heart and when he strays away from that concept, it is only due to someone pushing him to the point of no return.
Although it has only been 6 months since I have
been with my soul mate, Sir has taught me so much. About life, love, and myself
as well. I cannot thank him enough for all of this. What I can do is say, “I am
happy”. I will love you and cherish you for the rest of our days together. I
will honor you by showing all that comes into our lives, they are welcomed and
in a safe environment. I can adore and care for you with every breath I take.
And I without a doubt in my mind and without a second thought in my soul, will
never use, abuse, or manipulate you in any fashion. You are my savior, you are
the air I breathe, you are my one true soul mate. Our bond and relationship
will always be first and foremost even in upset times. I am proud and happy to
have been with you throughout this entire
experience. I am happy!!