As a child I once heard someone ask a question in class, I was in a Christian private school, second grade. They asked what is eternity? How long is it? How long is forever?
The answer given was something I will never forget. We were told to close our eyes. Picture a planet larger then Jupiter which if memory serves is already 8 times larger than earth. Now imagine it made of solid steel. Next the teacher said now imagine every hundred years a butterfly flying by and just brushing it’s wing on the giant steel planet. Then she said when that planet gets worn down to the size of a marble, eternity has just begun. I have not written the words until this day, but it is over. The divorce is over. I pushed it through. As I figured nothing would be done to stop it. I was used, I was manipulated and lied too. I was blamed for everything. Not one thank you, nobody cared. I even had to sever my bond with Kai which truly hurt the worst. I
spent ten years in a dream world of lies and bullshit. Talks of eternity, talks of love, expressions of gratitude. All lies.
Through all of my forgiveness and refusal to give up. I was tossed like trash.
Every time she begged me not to throw her away, hundreds of times. All she really meant was don’t go I have no one else to use yet.
Now I must hold my submissive’s hand and with her loving support and her unwavering love through all she has endured with me clean out the last of my ex wife’s lies and trash. Send it to where it belongs. She can white out my name on all the loving letters and cards and put her new man’s name in its place. It will save her some time.
I never wish to speak to her or anyone who knows her again. I have decided to stay off the main grid, remain in the shadows. It’s for the best. I have to focus on who loves me and values me, not who wants to be better than me or prove some point so twisted with lies it hardly even lacks reason anymore.
Way back when she was hiding her affair with this guy, if she just told me the truth, not tried to blame me for what I knew in my heart, all that had to be done was say I love this guy, I need a man here. I would have done everything in my power to accommodate the situation and still allow a chance for us to be together. It was smashed with lies, deceit, bitterness and an inability to do herself what she so often demanded of me.
I am tormented with nightmares sometimes. The beast in me. He wants revenge.
The very game Phil warned me not to play because no one ever wins. I am laughed at, ridiculed, treated like a fool. Hearing whispers all around me in my mind with words of insults twisted from things said and done in confidence.
I played it with my father, friends, partners. Never felt like I won, just felt like I needed more. The child in me is now safe in my submissive’s arms. The cold sadist has become the playful sadist. My role has changed. No longer does Vincent charge my actions but the hidden child who now has finally a safe chest to press my ear to, a chance to grow up. He is growing. Finally.
The child in me has gone back to therapy to seek the answers long put aside of why I do what I do. I am finding more common ground with the basic world than I remember. Or perhaps the world has caught up to me.
Married life was a fools choice. It’s a hollow empty promise made by hollow empty people who mean nothing behind their words. It’s as big a pile of shit as the religions who force it. Breeding, procreation, monogamous love and intimacy. It is for the weak, the simple. The ones who are obsessed with illusions of wealth and security. Flourishing and prosperity. It’s a fucking lie.
The path I walk now is nothing money can buy. We are in an incredible and honest love. There is no abuse. Only embraced acceptance and a evolving greater good for all of us. Sarah has restored me, she has restored everything taken and more. Her light and love has added such a beautiful woman in our lives we both share. Even if it fails, she has proven beyond measure she is genuine. For that I have hope again. For that I will live.
I was walking into an incoming train, full speed, bent on destroying me. She pulled me out of the way, because I am worth saving. My heart aches when she isn’t near. I live for the day when we can be together in a warm happy home free of judgment and lies.
So now this is my life. This is who I am. No
more hate. I will not bathe in toxic pools any longer. Now is my time finally.
To grow old and be happy. To smile every day. To feel a genuine love. But god
help anyone who keeps trying to stir the beast in me. I am it’s keeper, and
again it’s master. I will guard that lock with all that I have, and my reward
lay in my arms.