SON. I JUST FOUND THE INTERNET LINK WITH ALL THE FILES SO HERE IT IS FOR YOU
.The apprehension I had was my own thoughts that you would be upset with me but
when I about it this morning I was going to get Jim to put them back on
Dropbox for you but when I went to the teachers website I saw where he put them
on a link.
I don’t believe in extending grace for personal flaws or inadequacies any longer. There are those who know and understand the power of unconditional love. I myself just recently became aware that true unconditional love is a trinity of 3 emotions in unblemished, non flawed harmony. Forgiveness being the first, represented by the Man or even God as we understand him. Without the leader deity or elder being able to teach this, or lead by this to the other 2, the foundation of this house will crack due to sub standard building.
The second would be love, provided by the mother, or God the son or perhaps even just as simply put as the second point of the triad. The unconditional love of a female in its purist form is superior to all others in this world, but it must be fed and nurtured and mixed with the purity of the mans forgiveness for her failures mentally and flaws due to the emotional imbalance and intensity this feeling can produce. Love is taught to the man, forgiveness is taught to the woman. This mixture of purity harmony and balance creates the most important foundation of any unified relationship between a man and a woman and enables us to understand why we are more powerful as a whole than by ourselves. Love places the woman in a secondary position on the outside, But a man cannot learn unconditional forgiveness without the purity of unconditional love. One can just as easily taint the other.
Which brings us to our 3rd, Faith. Or even hope. The faith of a little child. Unconditional belief that in life, this is who you want. This is who you want to be with, grow with, die with. The unification of the father and mother role in perfection can only be achieved on a daily basis with the affirmation in this unconditional faith concerning the purity of the two. Or the spirit if you like. Anything short of this will bring down the balance of your heart, destroy your family, or condemn your faith in anything. I could go on for hours concerning the details but the point is this.
Anger is a lack of forgiveness, and your husband should be teaching it to you. Learn it from him, or encourage his growth with love to find it for himself. No one persons specifics, or hocus pocus is going to rubber stamp a cure for anger. But what is written above is the fundamental core to complete the balance and trinity not only inside of yourself, but your family as well.
Of course this is all my own philosophy, take it for what that means. But I have exercised it, and it is working.
Your children lack faith in you both. Take a deep read to the above and you will know why that is and how to repair it.
My mother’s reply was as follows:
Thanks again for taking the time to
address the email I sent you regarding the Anger PP link. Your keen Emotional Intelligence having the
ability to control un-healthy emotions and not allowing them to wreak havoc in
our lives is very influential and I have taken many points into consideration
as I should have paid more attention in Psychology class in high school
instead of writing love notes to your dad.
From all that you
have been thru though I believe that God only knows the real you underneath all
the intelligence that your natural man gained by being exposed to what
this world has to offer in Philosophical wisdom. You make very valid
points that will help anyone who in my opinion has not had the Miracle of a New
which is God’s Radical Cure for Spiritual death to the inherently
selfish,judgmental of others,calloused, proud, thereby acknowledging at the end
of the day that when we look within, we discover that we are loveless at heart.
I believe God
does not reform our carnal nature but puts it on the cross that Jesus paid the
price in full for our sin nature .Then He places in us a radically new nature
based on the Spirit and resurrection life in His Son. The ability in my view to
truly love comes by the miracle of God. As we live in Jesus ,we find life,love,
light,truth,and salvation from the hell of a loveless and angry heart in
You believe you have
been successful in what you are doing and I believe you have by the best way and
means possible within your frame of mind but for me the advice you gave
me will not work for me unless the miracle of a new heart takes place and
others will see and feel the fragrance of a life that is transformed from the
knowledge of good and evil to seeing everything with the new eyes of agape
Your email was
touching me until after re reading it a few times my heart would go limp when I
read your words “hocus pocus” that if that was meant to mean that the
Christian Minister at the end would pray then all the prayers in the Holy Bible are
as you say. That leaves me with feeling that you threw your good advice
to a bad underlying message that conflicts with what I do that works for
me and all believers as there are hundreds of prayers in the Holy Bible.
I have said to you a long time ago that someday you will write a book that will be not about you but all about The Miracle of what God has done and is doing and will do for you. Now that will be a story that I will love to read and tell. Lets keep this Mother and Son dialogue going in care and concern for one another. Back to you.
My reply was as follows:
My response was multi faceted. I personally have never experienced the effects of a true miracle, or the power of prayer. I only speak from what I do know to work. Even though I see so many try to walk in this impossible demand of what the bible teaches, I see nothing but failure, remorse for that failure, and a downward spiral of low self worth, isolation and despair because they cannot meet the criteria. If the validation is through the trinity as a spiritual connection of it, or the power of the holy number 3 as others believe, or even something just as simple as the family unit it is also there to be substituted.
If prayer works for the individual, then keep doing it. I certainly do not laugh how people handle their own lives in peace and harmony. However when it does not work for others, I offer an alternative. It may work for them it may not. If something done does not prove a long term sustained result of true change or growth in someone’s life, I would no longer encourage it and ask the individual to seek other means. What your reading to me is something I experienced many times in my life in the past. Someone telling me “OH you just didn’t do this right, or differently, or good enough.” Let me do it, do it more often, do it like you mean it, followed by yet another pile of excuses on why all of that failed to work. I hope what your doing works, I personally believe the answers to all of our issues are inside of us along with the tools our creator provided to grow and repair and change, They are already and always have been there. No outside force needed.
Famous Scientist Felt Un- worthy of Woman as She Used To Be, and Now He Can’t Endure Her Trying to Outdo the Men WHEN a man who has made a name for himself deliberately chooses to remain a bachelor the world is naturally curious to know what the reasons were that impelled him to this choice.
Marriage has come to be considered the natural thing for every normal man, and when some pre-eminent man shows a firm determination to sidestep it everybody wonders whether his superior intelligence has revealed to him some fatal defects in the institution of matrimony which are not apparent to the average person.
But the public’s curiosity in this respect is seldom gratified. Most of the distinguished bachelors try to pass off their bachelorhood as a joke, saying that it is not a matter of choice, but because they have never been able to find a woman who would marry them. As a rule, they are singularly averse to giving any serious reasons for their failure to become husbands.
Nikola Tesla, the great scientist and inventor, is a striking exception to this rule. In a recent interview with a representative of this newspaper he frankly explains why he has never married and why he probably never will marry.
And in connection with his explanation he presents some ideas about woman’s freedom and what he thinks it is sure to lead to that will be read with interest by those who agree with him as well as by the many who will not.
Caption: “In place of the soft voiced, gentle woman of my reverent worship,” says Mr. Tesla, “has come the woman who thinks that her chief success in life lies in making herself as much as possible like man–in dress, voice and actions, in sports and achievements of every kind”
In the past the reason why Mr. Tesla never married was because his estimation of woman placed her on such a lofty pedestal that he could never bring himself to feel worthy of her. Now that she has, as he feels, stepped down from her pedestal and bartered all her noblest qualities for what is called her “freedom,” he is even more disinclined to matrimony than he was before.
Although of course Mr. Tesla is too gallant a gentleman to say it in so many words, his comments let it be inferred that he thinks the new woman almost as far beneath him as the one of other days was above him. According to his views, the sex has rushed from one extreme to another of quite a different kind, and in the plunge it has left for Mr. Tesla and other bachelors who think as he does no “happy medium” such as Josiah Allen’s wife used to declare one of the essentials to happiness.
Caption: Ida Schnall, the all-around woman athlete, in a boxing bout with Willie Bradley–a sure indication, according to Mr. Tesla’s rather gloomy views, that our civilization is deteriorating
“I had always thought of woman,” says Mr. Tesla, “as possessing those delicate qualities of mind and soul that made her in these respects far superior to man. I had put her on a lofty pedestal, figuratively speaking, and ranked her in certain important attributes considerably higher than man. I worshiped at the feet of the creature I had raised to this height, and, like every true worshiper, I felt myself unworthy of the object of my worship.
“But all this was in the past. Now the soft-voiced gentle woman of my reverent worship has all but vanished. In her place has come the woman who thinks that her chief success in life lies in making herself as much as possible like man–in dress, voice and actions, in sports and achievements of every kind.”
In those words the great electrical genius sums up the reasons for his bachelorhood.
Some who read them will urge that his view of womankind is distorted by the years he has spent in the laboratory, dealing with inanimate things and developing perhaps an abnormal shyness which acts as an insuperable barrier to marriage. Others will say that the very fact of his detachment from the ordinary routine of life makes him all the better qualified to point out its defects and to criticize the change for the worse which he believes new conditions have brought to womankind.
Caption: Nikola Tesla, the electrical wizard whose discoveries paved the way for this radio age
“Women,” says Mr. Tesla, “are becoming stronger than men, both physically and mentally.
“The world has experienced many tragedies, but to my mind the greatest tragedy of all is the present economic condition wherein women strive against men, and in many cases actually succeed in usurping their places in the professions and in industry. This growing tendency of women to overshadow the masculine is a sign of a deteriorating civilization.
“Woman’s determined competition with man in the business world is breaking down some of the best traditions–things which have proved the moving factors in the world’s slow but substantial progress.
“Practically all the great achievements of man until now have been inspired by his love and devotion to woman. Man has aspired to great things because some woman believed in him, because he wished to command her admiration and respect. For these reasons he has fought for her and risked his life and his all for her time and time again.
“Perhaps the male in human society is useless. I am frank to admit that I don’t know. If women are beginning to feel this way about it–and there is striking evidence at hand that they do–then we are entering upon the cruelest period of the world’s history.
“Our civilization will sink to a state like that which is found among the bees, ants and other insects–a state wherein the male is ruthlessly killed off. In this matriarchal empire which will be established the female rules. As the female predominates, the males are at her mercy. The male is considered important only as a factor in the general scheme of the continuity of life.
“The tendency of women to push aside man, supplanting the old spirit of cooperation with him in all the affairs of life, is very disappointing to me.
“Woman’s independence and her cleverness in obtaining what she wants in the business world is breaking down man’s spirit of independence. The old fire he once experienced at being able to achieve something that would compel and hold a woman’s devotion is turning to ashes.
“Women don’t seem to want that sort of thing to-day. They appear to want to control and govern. They want man to look up to them, instead of their looking up to him.”
Mr. Tesla is not given to making statements that he cannot prove. His life’s work has been based on logic, not on guesses.
Caption: Mrs. Davenport Engberg, the director of a symphony orchestra and a good example of the way women are entering fields that used to be exclusively men’s
In voicing his gloomy views of modern life Mr. Tesla says his observations are not confined to the women of this country. Conditions abroad, he says, suggest that the same tendency is world-wide. Having always regarded woman as a super-being, he expresses great sadness over the change he thinks the last few years have brought in her.
“I am considering this question not merely from the standpoint of a man,” he points out. “I am thinking of the woman’s side of it.
“As we contemplate any change, we naturally take into consideration the results that may follow such an innovation. One of the results to my mind is quite a pathetic one. Woman, herself, is really the victim instead of, as she thinks, the victor. Contentment is absent from her life. She is ambitious, often far beyond her natural equipment, to attain the thing she wants. She too frequently forgets that all women cannot be prima donnas and motion picture stars.
“Woman’s discontent makes the life of the present day still more overstressed. The high pitch given to existence by people who are restless and dissatisfied because they fail to achieve things wholly out of proportion to the health and talent with which Nature has endowed them is a bad thing for the world.
“It seems to me that women are not particularly happy in this newly found freedom, in this new competition which they are waging so persistently against men in business and the professions and even in sport. The question that naturally arises is, whether the women themselves are the gainers or the losers.
“Discontent makes for cranks and unnatural people. There seems to be an uncommon number of them about to-day. This is one of the reasons I remain apart from the crowds. The public, or semi-public, character is the target for all sorts of attacks and unpleasant communications.
Caption: A woman worker in a Michigan railroad machine shop
“For example, I used to receive all sorts of strange notes, many of them letters from cranks threatening my life, because they had read about my experiments in manufacturing lightning bolts. They wrote that they believed I was using these lightning flashes to kill them! “It seems to me that anything which adds to the great discontent which we observe on every side to-day must be a bad influence on our life. Women who keep themselves agitated by their tremendous ambition to beat man at his game are losing at the same time something that counts for more in the end, it seems to me, than the empty honors that success in business or one of the professions can ever give.
“The power of the true woman is so great that I believe if a beautiful woman–that is to say, one beautiful in spirit, in manner and in thought, in fact, beautiful in every respect, a sort of goddess–were to appear suddenly on earth, she could command the whole world. Her leadership, I believe, would be universally recognized.
“History has given us many examples of the wonderful influence exerted by unusual women. Among these have been the mothers of great men. But their influence lay not in their determination to outdo man, or even to compete with him.
“Perhaps because woman is a finer and more highly sensitized instrument she knows by instinct her power and understands that the extent of it lies in the high position she takes for herself. But the superior never descends to the level of the commonplace.”
These views of Nikola Tesla will be received with great interest, whether one agrees or not with his idea that woman in her new role is a sinister force that is going to pull down to ruin our whole social structure. He is generally recognized as one of the greatest mentalities of the present day.
Caption: Renee Prahar, one of many women who are trying to outstrip the men in sculpture
Twenty years ago Tesla astonished the world by flashing a wireless message clear around the globe. His experimental work paved the way for the radio age in which we are now living. Many scientists think it quite possible that one of his highly sensitized machines actually caught signals from Mars.
For several years past he has been living in comparative seclusion in the Colorado Rockies, devoting himself to the perfection of two or three inventions which he expects will revolutionize methods of transportation and communication. He is almost ready to explain to the world a way of transmitting electrical energy without the use of wires.
This will enable the energy from some great source of power like Niagara Falls to be quickly and economically transmitted to any desired part of the earth–and, perhaps, some day to Mars and other planets.
Some philosopher has said that it is as perilous for a man to say he will never marry as for a physician to try to predict the exact hour of a person’s death. Mr. Tesla is not an old man. Perhaps he will live long enough to find some woman who will be able to convince him that she has attained her new freedom without sacrificing any of the womanly qualities which he so greatly admires.
Life is a struggle We’re being prepared to delve in the greater parts of us It’s the one fight in our lives that we have to win No choice but to win, to believe that we can win Life can be so hard to take, sometimes it seems the only safe Way to get through the day, wait till it goes away Dreams can be so hard to fake, a lying smile, beautiful face Soul telling you to wait, know this is not your fate These broken hearts invoking dreams in broken lives, our broken spine’s Breaking hearts on borrowed time; like broken records, we keep trying What I wouldn’t give to see that broken child inside of me Tell him it’s gonna be alright, the world is worth the fight The light will find us even if it blinds us Our time defines us, nothing can divide us If we sing, if we sing If we sing, if we sing Give me something to believe in Do you suffer just the same? Just give me something to believe in As the world walks away Is it too much to take? Is there too much to say? So as long as I am breathing I need something to believe in It’s the one fight in our lives that we have to win I see so many pieces of you broken, this is not the end Just follow in these footsteps, maybe I could even hold you then I’d take you in a single breath, I’d never ever breathe again We’d make another heaven where every single heart can mend Listen up, hear me out, I’m the one who’s searching now Hold your hope, don’t hold it down, you once were lost, but now you’re found What I wouldn’t give to see the grace inside of you and me I know it’s gonna be alright, the world is worth the fight The light will find us even if it blinds us Our time defines us, nothing can divide us If we sing, if we sing If we sing, if we sing Give me something to believe in Do you suffer just the same? Just give me something to believe in As the world walks away Is it too much to take? Is there too much to say? So as long as I am breathing I need something to believe in Belief is all that we have, but belief is all that we need I remember when I was a kid, fearless against the wind, brought down by the storm within But from the bottom of a sea, I sang again, and again, and again, and again Belief is all that we have, but belief is all that we need
I would have given you all of my heart But there’s someone who’s torn it apart And she’s taking just all that I had But if you wanna try to love again Baby, I’ll try to love again, but I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest But when it comes to being lucky, she’s cursed When it comes to lovin’ me, she’s worse
I still want you by my side Just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried But I’m sure gonna give you a try If you wanna try to love again
Try, Baby, I’ll try to love again, but I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest But when it comes to being lucky, she’s cursed When it comes to lovin’ me, she’s worse
I still want you by my side Just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried But I’m sure gonna give you a try ‘Cause if you wanna try to love again (Try to love again, try to love again) Baby, I’ll try to love again, but I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest But when it comes to being lucky, he’s cursed When it comes to lovin’ me, he’s worse
The first cut is the deepest, baby, I know The first cut is the deepest (Try to love again)
As a child I once heard someone
ask a question in class, I was in a Christian private school, second grade.
They asked what is eternity? How long is it? How long is forever?
The answer given was something I will never forget. We were told to close our eyes. Picture a planet larger then Jupiter which if memory serves is already 8 times larger than earth. Now imagine it made of solid steel. Next the teacher said now imagine every hundred years a butterfly flying by and just brushing it’s wing on the giant steel planet. Then she said when that planet gets worn down to the size of a marble, eternity has just begun. I have not written the words until this day, but it is over. The divorce is over. I pushed it through. As I figured nothing would be done to stop it. I was used, I was manipulated and lied too. I was blamed for everything. Not one thank you, nobody cared. I even had to sever my bond with Kai which truly hurt the worst. I
spent ten years in a dream world of lies and bullshit. Talks of
eternity, talks of love, expressions of gratitude. All lies.
Through all of my forgiveness and refusal to
give up. I was tossed like trash.
Every time she begged me not to throw her away, hundreds of
times. All she really meant was don’t go I have no one else to use yet.
Now I must hold my submissive’s hand and with her loving
support and her unwavering love through all she has endured with me clean out
the last of my ex wife’s lies and trash. Send it to where it belongs. She can
white out my name on all the loving letters and cards and put her new man’s
name in its place. It will save her some time.
I never wish to speak to her or anyone who knows her again. I
have decided to stay off the main grid, remain in the shadows. It’s for the
best. I have to focus on who loves me and values me, not who wants to be better
than me or prove some point so twisted with lies it hardly even lacks reason
Way back when she was hiding her affair with this guy, if she
just told me the truth, not tried to blame me for what I knew in my heart, all
that had to be done was say I love this guy, I need a man here. I would have
done everything in my power to accommodate the situation and still allow a
chance for us to be together. It was smashed with lies, deceit, bitterness and
an inability to do herself what she so often demanded of me.
I am tormented with nightmares sometimes. The
beast in me. He wants revenge.
The very game Phil warned me not to play because no one ever
wins. I am laughed at, ridiculed, treated like a fool. Hearing whispers all
around me in my mind with words of insults twisted from things said and done in
I played it with my father, friends, partners. Never felt like
I won, just felt like I needed more. The child in me is now safe in my
submissive’s arms. The cold sadist has become the playful sadist. My role has
changed. No longer does Vincent charge my actions but the hidden child who now
has finally a safe chest to press my ear to, a chance to grow up. He is
The child in me has gone back to therapy to seek the answers
long put aside of why I do what I do. I am finding more common ground with the
basic world than I remember. Or perhaps the world has caught up to me.
Married life was a fools choice. It’s a hollow empty promise
made by hollow empty people who mean nothing behind their words. It’s as big a
pile of shit as the religions who force it. Breeding, procreation, monogamous
love and intimacy. It is for the weak, the simple. The ones who are obsessed
with illusions of wealth and security. Flourishing and prosperity. It’s a
The path I walk now is nothing money can buy. We are in an
incredible and honest love. There is no abuse. Only embraced acceptance and a
evolving greater good for all of us. Sarah has restored me, she has restored
everything taken and more. Her light and love has added such a beautiful woman
in our lives we both share. Even if it fails, she has proven beyond measure she
is genuine. For that I have hope again. For that I will live.
I was walking into an incoming train, full speed, bent on
destroying me. She pulled me out of the way, because I am worth saving. My
heart aches when she isn’t near. I live for the day when we can be together in
a warm happy home free of judgment and lies.
So now this is my life. This is who I am. No
more hate. I will not bathe in toxic pools any longer. Now is my time finally.
To grow old and be happy. To smile every day. To feel a genuine love. But god
help anyone who keeps trying to stir the beast in me. I am it’s keeper, and
again it’s master. I will guard that lock with all that I have, and my reward
lay in my arms.
This will be the last part that covers the entire spectrum, and
would not be complete without it. Writing all of this was like the story I read
in the bible as a child of Jacob and the angel he wrestled until dawn.
Considering what I have written to this point, I would believe now that the
angel itself was metaphorical example of his ego, his own inner demon. These
writings are my wrestle through the night wdth Vincent, and this chapter, this
final chapter shall be its dawn. When I was a child amid all the chaos, there
was a time, a very long time my faith was so strong in God, my hope and belief
all resided in him. That child was lost in time, Over time he was destroyed by
his own faith, but damaged and bruised he was placed in a room and bricked up
for safe keeping. This was that child, and whenever I struggle to remember what
I was all that long ago, this is the only song I ever loved then and to this
How? how did I go from this to what I was? How could I? I think
upon all of this looking back it all started with an alignment of storms the
sent me out in the abyss, with no protection, no father, no mother, and no
love. Age 8 was the abandonment of my dad the entrance of stepfathers abuse, my
grandfather dying who was like a father to me, and my mother cut from love due
to the birth of my brother. I began searching for a new father, a new mother,
protection, guidance and love. People in my life up until age 13 would come and
go. Some were father’s some were mother’s some were protectors. Death failure,
withdrawal, rejection, all of them would go away. That time and age defines
yourself worth, it molds your value, it mold who you are.
Who I was, was not good enough for anyone, so I
began to become better by deeds, by amplifying traits of myself, learning
crafts and trades, absorbing wisdom wherever I would find it. But the hatred
for the damage done was deep. My spirit of the God I had faith in was crushed
by an occult following of vengeance destruction, and chaos. Protection came
from the darkness, and carried a heavy price. The cost of my very soul. The
poisoning of the child written above, the sully of my innocence. Gone forever.
My father was replaced by the entity or ego I refer to as Vincent. My mother
try as I could never be replaced by any woman. Try as I did, girls never want
to mother their men, and then by nurture they control, and control was nothing
I ever wanted to have over me
Through the years it was a series of subtle and powerful let
downs, Failures of how i thought, felt, reacted, and tried to assimilate into a
normal society. Rage ensued and turned to vengeance of women, the world, and
the embracing of what gifts I acquired or had all along. That combined with my
wisdom made me a powerful ally and an insane person to be intimate with. It
wasn’t just insanity though, I still had a heart of me, something inside
constantly struggling to get out and repeatedly getting squashed. I was a man
trying to do good deeds with the devils tools. What is good is of the light,
what is evil is of the darkness. Everything that protected me, loved me, lusted
me, used me, abused me over a long course of my life chewed me up and spit me
out. It didn’t make me give up, but it sure made me bitter and cynical.
Everything was to end, by my hand or another, it was always just a question of
who would flinch first.
Very few in my life ever got inside of me, deep. It used to be
their testament of life trauma that defined their worth to me. The more they
survived, the more valuable I held them, the more I revealed in the hopes of
acceptance, understanding, love, and healing. But with each rejection the wound
would just get deep and festered further. In retrospect I believe if I had
accepted these trials in my life as something meant for a truly greater and
divine purpose of the light, my story would be extremely different. But with my
rage, rebellion, and revenge infested soul due to the answers never being
clearly revealed to me, I rebelled against my creator. In turn i rebelled
against all he created, and everything in it. No control of me remember? That’s
why I rebelled. That is why my wife’s wants and needs were perceived as
control. That is why the anger ensued, and the abuse. I could never be able to
truly love with all the bitterness, darkness and hate in my heart. I bricked up
the person that could give that, long ago when nobody wanted him.
It was my refusal of belief in the opposite sex, even though my
wife was what she was she still cared for me, pampered me, felt inseparable
with me, and walked with me to many places nobodies dared to go with me before.
We were doing our best, both of us with the knowledge of love we had at the
time. I could feel something with my wife, something powerful. It was love, but
the man who felt that love and the man who held the family together, supported,
protected, and secured was a different man. He would fight the war, and he
didn’t want love for it. He wanted to be compensated. My wife would be doing a
2 step for a long lot of years trying to figure that out, believe me I couldn’t
either until all of this happened.
Her boys smashed the love I tried to give, then
were transferred to Vincent like sacks of shit. This was wrong. Love for a
child is not conditional, yet as a stepfather mine was. I never loved them as
father should, I never wanted to father
them. I just wanted us to do right by each other, it was to
never be except but for kaitlynn. She got every shred of love i had, and even
though she was corrected from time to time, she was a child learning and
growing. Not in defiance, just in a state of transition between wrong and
right. I will never be upset at what she done, or hold anything against her. I
still love her very much, and I always will. For now she is in a transition of
right and wrong. Lying to me is nothing I will ever be a part of again. She was
lucky her heart was never anything sullen or malicious, or she would have taken
her place on the row as well. I was truly a bastard for showing them children
how not to be a parent, but I have to live with that. Thankfully they do not
In retrospect I could not understand exactly what happened
until now. I thought it was a miracle myself, but it was not. It was me. It was
me all along. That night I was giving my .45 a blowjob and paying a wal mart
bill, I would have done anything. I knew what happened but I didn’t. Vincent
knew what happened. He went to war with my wife for her affections, the same
war he fought against anyone else who impeded his will. I remember getting deep
into Cody’s ass for stealing from his own family. All along I should have
looked at my own ass. You shouldn’t murder your family either. Not for any
reason, not under any circumstance. My pain that night was me, that was love.
That was my heart, who i bricked up. Vincent killed my wife, I was under a lie
she did not want me, I believed my own self doubt, my own bullshit. I believed
my worst enemy to be my best friend. Vincent was not love, he was not
protection, he was vengeance in it’s most evil fashion. He murdered my wife’s
heart for me. If he could not keep it, he would destroy it. So he did. He never
even let me try until it was far to late, and she was far too gone.
By the morning (as a biblical metaphor, in real life this took
some time. A lot of forward and backward.) I had survived my avenging angel,
just me. Through time and strength and the most unbelievable pain I had in my
entire life, I had enough. I had enough of me against the world with Vincent, I
had enough of being constantly assured I would never be accepted for who I was.
I awoke from my sleep with guns blazing, hell bent on saving my marriage, and
getting that acceptance, giving what she was begging me for years. This did not
come easy, or overnight. I had to sever all ties with an amazing number of
things that I used to take the focus off myself and justify all my actions,
wrong or right.
With my ego finally at bay, I thought to b
vanquished, but every now again he is still trying to convince me I will never
be happy without him. I will not survive. So far I think I am doing ok like
this. I feel pain yes, all the time. But I also smile, love, feel joy, laugh. I
mean I really laugh. I laugh like a dork but I laugh. I smile now in the
presence of warmth, sometimes just thinking about warmth. My road was not easy,
and is far from over.
It all began with my journal, showing it to Sarah. My wife had
no idea of it until months later. I told her what it was for and she suggested
to just use it to get all the garbage out me, the pain, baggage I was carrying.
See how I feel after. I took her advice, and I am better for it for now. The
more I wrote, the better I felt. These events are not who I am, they may not
even be exactly how other seen it happen, but that ok, it’s how I viewed it, it
was my mind, as sick or as smart as it was, along with the emotions I felt at
the time. I began it in a third person sense, such as on old man reading a
story he never read. But I began to practice a kind of meditation that would
put everything back into my head. The emotions especially. So when I was
writing about anything, I was there. I was right there in my body going through
all the thoughts, the feelings, even the smells and tastes, and the physical
pain. You can actually tell how drastically my disposition changed when i felt
betrayed by my wife. It was a night and day reaction.
I had never walked this far away from Vincent in so long, maybe
never. With him on the high side of the see saw, I began to understand. I was
holding on to this out of vengeance, his vengeance. My heart was sick of the
sorrow, I forgave all of it, even him for what I allowed him to do. I should
have woke up, I had not the strength at that time, or enough pain to fight my
way out. I think in retrospect it was the latter, not the former. All of my
fathers are dead, except for Jim, my mother husband. The man became my father
years ago, I always loved him. I always respected him, and he was always
nothing but there for me. That issue solved itself. It was all thanks to my
mother’s faith and eventual hope to be good mother and an amazing wife that
made that possible. I guess my mother was also on her own path of finding the
good in herself.
was still missing a mother, a mother I begged for in every
woman I was with but yet hated them for it at the same time. The difference
between power is control versus manipulation. Neither would ever rule over me
again. Nurturing however is easily confused for the 2 former, especially by
myself. I created my own paradox. I was no longer an introvert, I abused my
environment for it. I couldn’t figure it out, so fuck it I’ll destroy it and maybe it
can rebuild itself to suit me.
Ego, a powerful thing. But what about my mother now?
As I was seeking
her for spiritual guidance and understanding daily, I started to feel better,
whether I agreed or not, I could not figure out why. It was because my mother
loved me unconditionally, and proved it with all i had told her. I was a
horrible bastard of a rotten man, I destroyed my wife, my union, and pissed all
over my vows, remember, I was not here to figure out what my wife fucked up,
just what I did. I had my share. No doubt. Should a person’s actions condemn
them to the abyss? I don’t think so, but then again everyone is not me, and not
everyone can love like I do. Nobody can fathom the depth until they hate that
deep. It’s just how it is.
I had a mother again, it was my mother. As it
always should have been. I love you mom, I love everything you have done for
me, and all you continue to do. All that you are and all that you could ever
be. Your love for me has finally completed a void in my heart that nothing
would fill since I was a child, you read all this you know i tried like hell. I
can only hope my brothers give you the exact same chance i did, for hate is the
disease that executes our very soul.
What i read of spiritual cleansing is it does
exactly what it says. It is a removal of rejection and bitterness. The 2
biggest scars on my heart. These spirits grow, they grow and they retain the
power of the previous rejections and become this giant thing that envelopes
you. You have to slay it like a fucking dragon, or a Vincent, Bitterness then
withers from lack of food and turns to dust. From there the body has the power
to heal the mind and soul. I can tell you where it started, and what made me
see this through to the end. I will type this out, because I believe it will
help a heel of a lot more people than me. the book is called a more excellent
way, the author is Henry Wright. My eyes still cry whenever I read this, if you
are or have been afflicted, you have been warned, you will too.
for a father’s love
How to minister
healing to those who were not loved by their fathers
To minister healing, you
need a man who is willing to represent god the father and show his love for
this person, be sensitive to the holy spirit.
Introduce yourself to the person receiving ministry
Greet the person using his or her name.
-1, as your
Christian brother, am going to take responsibility this day for a father would
not or could not say, “I love you”
-Will you forgive your father for not telling you
he loved you?
– Can you come to the place where you forgive
your father for the things he did or did not do? Release your father to God to
deal with his issues. Release him and forgive him.
-In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I
release you from that pain. We ask the holy Spirit come and heal your broken
heart, and when He does, fear that entered when your heart was broken, has to
-This day you will
hear these words in your heart:
“I love you”
“I am glad you were
“I am proud of you”
“You are a good son/daughter”
Great now I can’t see, be right back…
That was it, that’s what made me see it through. That man hit
something in me. the more I read the more I felt the shit just go. The more I
wrote my trauma and hate out the more I said goodbye to it. My mother love
reached me, Sarah’s love and nurturing rebuilt me, Justin’s love reminded me I
am a good person, I was just lost for a long time. Don’t get me wrong I am not
perfect or angelic by any means. I am just a guy who decided that my love was a
thing to be reborn, Not my life in hate, bitterness, lack of forgiveness, and
vengeance. Through my heart I have regained control of myself for the most part
(it’s still a struggle against my stronger adversaries.)
As I now search for my spiritual roots and where to plant them
again, many questions resurface. Does Vincent have a place anymore, I really
have nothing more to fight for. My life has become so much easier. I mistake it
sometimes for boredom. The ball in my heart that only sex could relieve is
gone, I don’t stress near as I used to. With the conquering of my rejection I
now realize, what I want does not have to want me too. Someone someday will
want me whatever I am whatever I shall become. The best and the worst. Turns
out that someone has been Sarah. I almost think she was placed in my life by
divine destiny. Somebody was looking out for me that saw this coming long
before I even fathomed it possible.
The chaotic and the arcane is something I do not practice and
have not since I left the nation, and I am not sure if Christianity will accept
my sexuality as I enjoy it very much. I am certainly not rushing to get further
when I was with my wife, I just have priorities I need to sort and I certainly
do not wish to go backward. I no longer see things as sexy weirdly enough. I
see them as beautiful throughout, or sullen and broken. I no longer see myself
as a fixer, more like a completion, the last piece of someone’s jigsaw puzzle,
maybe hidden under a chair. There are the ones who look for me, and the ones
who give up. I have no more use for the quitters. They are shallow, I will not
be anymore. I will never quit again.
I have no idea what I am to become from here yet, but I know it
will be better than anything I ever was, and if not for all that was done back
there, I would have never even bothered to travel. I suppose I should thank
everyone for that, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ll settle for a prayer in my
thought and a blessing of joy and happiness to all who are still alive, and
still lost. For I am still lost, I just now have a brighter light to find my
tetelestai- for those wondering, I’ll save you
the google/The word tetelestai was written on business
documents or receipts to show that a bill had been paid in full. “It is
finished” (Tetelestai) could be interpreted as “Paid in full.” The debt
has been sealed as paid! In the Bible’s Gospel
of John 19:30 Jesus utter this last word on the cross, “Tetelestai” (It is
It is. It is finished. My debt has been paid in full. This is
my truth, this is who I was, this is who I am, this where I will go. This is
why I am absolved of my past, and will rebuild my future. Even if I go to an
early death, I did this right. I did this one thing right. May you all find
rage through my despair, and fight for what has been denied to you from birth.
Yes, but also know, through all of this, there is still redemption for those
who search their own hearts, minds, and souls. You may not go on clean and
perfect, but you can go on with love, joy, and warmth.
One of my favorite movies had a quote in it that said, ” If you
make a mistake and get all tangled up, you just tango on.” and so i shall. For
now, for today, and tomorrow. I can live with that.
My wife said to me on many occasion tell the truth for once.
You hide things, you lie about things, why don’t you tell the truth? The answer
which I never gave her was because my wife never did either. Two wrongs never
made a right this is true, and although I cannot amend what I have done or be
forgiven by her for it, I can until the very end of this, not only make a point
to be truthful to my wife, but also to Sarah and my family and friends. I made
strong bonds with people due to my truth over the years, and my ability to go
above and beyond being there for them, guiding, providing, whatever. I have
also been able to prove while I write all of this, my wife cannot tell the
truth to save her life, our marriage, our love, or what she professes to be
love. Since love is forgiveness among many other things, anyone who cannot
forgive me does not love me. Anyone that can break destroy or remove that love
once placed was never a person I even wanted to have. So as she has seen my
truth, as I finally break my silence on her faults, Sarah’s faults, and my own
in the 3rd part. I noticed a funny thing. My wife rejecting me, rejecting who I
am, rejecting what I am, rejecting how I think, rejecting me and Sarah coming
she did love was obviously not all of me. Even before she announced what she
wanted, I was in no way capable of loving her for all she was, I resented her.
But as she removed the things I did like, my love dwindled and removed. I
suspect as I removed my financial support, hers did the same. Through my growth
I was able to recognize she never really loved me then, we never knew how either of us. As I grow and as I learn,
I can now. I can’t blame her for not growing, other than to say life’s choices are so much easier
with something new. Either way she does not and cannot love what I am now, I
myself am still in love with who she was, but she is not even who she was now.
So my wife has died, I have died and been reborn, and she will not even glance
at me at this point. I don’t even think we could connect anymore at all. I am
in love with a dream I had all my life, I tried to place it in her because she
asked to be molded by me. She would not wear it, and although that makes me sad
and full of woe and grief, it gives me the acceptance I need to forget it and
The group that Sarah was involved in was what i consider a
lighter social BDSM group. A couple of really good admins, and some decent and
respectful people. Always a pile of idiots here and there, little of the tar and
feather crowd, the usual. So few of us left, you know. D/s is as ancient a
practice and follows all the
back to the bible itself and beyond. The suffrage moment, woman’s lib etc..
they have not had equal rights for that long, hell the black man has had more
rights for longer if you think about it. 2 generations ago woman’s work was a
common word. I know because my grandmother still says it. D/s in its pure form
without all the kink and stupid crap you see in pornography and movies, is just
what it is on its face. A decision maker, a patriarch, a hand that wills the
home. The strength, the provider, the protector, the front line. The submissive
is the support and execution of the dominant’s will, realizing that they are as
the bible describes the weaker vessel.
By weak this does not mean they are inferior, it means without
a supporting role in the relationship, not a leading role, they are not
operating to their best potential. This is not the way every relationship
should be mind you, this is what some people still accept, still believe, and
still practice. It’s as basic a core as any belief, you believe in it because
it works, it fulfills your life, it completes you. I have had the joy of
running the majority of my relationships in a D/s fashion, Kink or no kink,
protocol or not. I told myself a long time ago no one person would ever control
me again. For most of my life I was able to stick to that belief, and all of
views on any BDSM subject stem from that core. Some are better at leading some
are better at following. It’s just the way it is. The way it always was.
However, this yin and yang is a dangerous commitment, should
one fail or falter the other half does as well with any union, the scales move
out of balance. The biggest problem I have found to do this is jealousy. From
outside sources, the sub, even the dom. Sometimes they don’t want to be the
first through the door catching bullets, sometimes they are too tired to lead
the charge. This is actually where the submissive is more powerful, only she know
the magic words, the magic touch, the words to make him want to get up and
fight on. She’ll even carry him if she has to. Her whole world is invested in
this man, her role is to be the very glue that holds him together, and makes
him want to fight on. When a submissive loses her role, it is a much harder
loss due to the belief and faith she had in a failing dom. She faults herself
for his shortcomings, and blames herself for the lack of ability to correct
them. This will lead to suicidal thoughts and bout of depression. Self worth
also comes into question. Starting to see why this commitment is so serious and
life long? They agree to be symbiotic with each other. It’s an amount of faith
and trust immeasurable in most typical relationships. Sharing that point of
view can be scary to people, people hate and destroy what they can never
acquire or understand. It’s human nature.
When I was responding to Sarah’s post, I was not
even talking from my current situation with my wife. It was a terrible example.
I spoke in what I was originally spoken to of, the long chats into the night of
our nobility, our duty, our pride. We are the saviors of the lost, we are the
penance to their pain, we are the lovers of the lost, the damaged, the
hopeless. We are the last of the nobility, we are not found, we are not
trained, we are chosen. We are chosen by our destiny and path
in life. We can deny what we are or learn to
embrace it. Those ones, those ones were the ones she was looking for. Certainly
not I, not now, not anymore. I was nothing but a broken down bookcase with old
dusty books no one wanted to read anymore. The old man of hot air the kids
laugh at and imitate with funny faces. The coot. Kind of took me by surprise
when she was following me around after that.
I’d comment she’d either like it, or like and comment on it.
Really anywhere I posted. Almost like I had a fan. I had a few here and there,
but there was just something more in the way she wrote, a desperation in it.
Like a sinking into the mire, and nobody but me noticing. Don’t get me wrong it
was well covered up and incredibly hard to spot, but I can tune into the way
people say things sometimes, it’s a familiar voice or face I can never place.
Like a deja vu’
We audio chatted on facebook and Skype, sort of became casual
chat buddies. No sex, no flirting, no picture swapping. Mostly interacted in
the group speaking and replying on various subjects. I am not much of a social
butterfly, I usually only take on one new face at a time. Wait a while, see if
they pass. People usually do when they find out your married or you’re not
interested in them. Sarah knew from the rip, I mentioned my wife and submissive
on a number of occasions, but never really used us as an example or
circumstance. At the time and the way things were, i didn’t have much to share.
A few weeks pass, and she’s still around, talked to a few prospective Dom type
on fetlife and in the group, nothing panning out much more than your usual
wanna-be freak off the leash. I used to always complain about the same shit, I
missed my old crew, i really did, I had no idea what this world has become
since, corny shallow half baked traditions and modern morals and women ruling
it all. Submissive or Dom female, they seem to all talk like they found a way.
The modern requirement seems to be turn in your balls to your sub and she’ll
lie to everyone about how sub she is and how Dom her man is. Just all wrong.
Kinksters also tend
to confuse themselves as a Dom when they are just a top. Throwing a whip at the
right angle is not dominance, it’s kink, nothing more. Knowledge on specialty
kink? flame cupping say, devices, cutting? Still a top.
Your just a top. Deal with it. Sadly, that is
most of what you see. So my wife who was also failing to share that belief got
me to thinking, here I am training someone who doesn’t want anything more than
kink, Sarah has little to no serious or exotic kink but wants the kind of thing
I instill. It was like the chocolate truck crashed into the peanut butter
truck. The best part was, she wasn’t looking for anything out of me than what i
was willing to give. It just made sense at the time in my head. Granted my head
was not in the best place either, I was suffering from loneliness, depression,
rejection, loss and abuse. I was a ship battered at sea, with no port of
Everything I tried to do failed, Friends, my brother, Justin,
nothing was pulling me out of this. I kind of accepted my fate at the time. A
failure. Nothing more. But just because i failed with what I had did not mean
somebody else couldn’t do better with my toolbox. Sarah could be that one. She
was passive, she was respectful, she is a nurse. She cares for people with
dementia in an old folks home, even a member of her own family. She had a
strong mother ethic, extremely domestic. Talked a lot about her family and
interacting with all of them. I never had that much interaction with my own. It
showed me she believed in the family unit, and the support of it as a whole.
Fully independent, and yet incomplete. She has a grown son, a middle daughter,
and a young son. Oldest was going to school, the daughter is pretty active in
the social circle with friends, and the youngest son is a sensitive addicted to
you tube. I’m a bit of a curiosity to him, and oddly from time to time Sarah says
he seeks my approval from time to time.
She needed all the work my wife refused to carry on, and I
needed something to fight for. I needed to be a reason on this planet other
than a payout and old lady taxi driver. She wanted what was in my head, and in
what little heart I had left. It was valued, it was correct to someone for
once. There was something more to sense in her though. Some kind of armor. It
was tough. Like a street tough I have never seen in a woman I had any kind of
interest in. All of mine were meek minus my wife, but this was different still.
Maybe a standard defense every single mom has with no good man to allow them to
be a girl again. It really was as good a fit as it was going to get, someday my
wife would need to be taken care of, someday I would have to work anyway, at
some point my wife will want me again, I refused to believe she was gone. I
refused to believe I was gone. I couldn’t tell you how many time we were
together and all anyone had to say was they could tell we loved each other very
much. It had to come back. It just had to. She owed me that much at least.
Meantime however, maybe I could stall my plans of wiping myself out and pass on
something of me to someone who wanted to carry it.
I was the one who presented the idea to Sarah first, she was
going to be a permanent fixture I just didn’t know where the line would be. I
figured the worst she could say is fuck no fuck off, and that be it. She said
yes before i even finished the question, almost like a groupie who got a date with
the lead singer of her favorite band. I was pretty taken back, I couldn’t
remember the last time anyone was doe eyed in my presence. I was just there.
It’s hard for me to say no to that, I hate when the honeymoon phase in the
relationship dies. Sad part is it never dies on my end until my partner ends up
killing it. I am who i am from the beginning and throughout until I get damaged
beyond repair. Up to this point I could never be repaired. No woman as hard as
they ever tried ever has. Very few could reach through my walls and touch my
heart, or my cinder block room with the me nobody wanted bricked up from the
rest of the world. Whenever my wife saw it, she squashed it like a bug.
I then went to my wife and did what I had to do
to iron out a contract. Then me
and Sarah went to work. We spent the next week or 2 writing out
her rigid schedule, planning time for her schooling, family, me, workshops,
essay’s, even books and regular sessions of self pleasure activities. Girls got
to be tended to somehow when she doesn’t have a man, or else they forget it’s
there I think. Sarah gave up on being a girl, so I thought it be a nice change
to get that back together as well. Makeup, dress, I loved doing all this shit
with my wife, it was fun with her too. Something started to happen to me, I
began to smile again. I even laughed a time or 2. She was actually funny, she
was interesting, she had stories. She had quite a life. She listened to me,
even asked deeper into me. She wanted to know me too, not just the D/s stuff.
So I began to talk to her, sometimes way too much, but it was so long since I
spoke to anyone and we gelled. Not since me and Justin. We were on a level with
each other, we both knew what it was like to be around people who used us. We
both had our hearts broke, we both had independent strength, we were also both
abusers at points in our lives. We both needed an absolution from that I think
We saw the value to each other, we found each other special.
Sarah was one of a kind in her own right, just like my wife. Both very
different, it really amazed me how well they would have complimented each
other. As a prospect she was also officially in the dynamic, but not in a
sexual fashion. The wife wanted that to be strictly separated, I had no problem
with that. I never even saw what Sarah looked like until I had to present the
idea to my wife, I figured she would want a picture at least. I did think once
a week at least a meet would be in order to see if they could get any closer or
all of us as a whole. This is where it started to get bad. I would spend the
whole week selling my wife and how great we were to Sarah, then Friday would
come and my wife would have an attitude or start throwing a fit. Arguing with
me over shit that Sarah should have never even heard. It seemed like my wife
was trying to make it look like she was in control of me. Of course this raised
questions in Sarah.
She would ask me, at first I tried to defend my
wife, she’s just having a bad day, she’s got some issues, we’re going through a
lot right now, the usual thing the abused say so they are not embarrassed for
staying in the kind of relationship they have. By this time she was introduced
to Justin, and Justin started hearing the stories too. He really had enough of
the wife shit over the years, so he started in me, then Sarah would tell me
what I heard for years, the wife is going to destroy you if you stay with her.
I was the usual reply of she’s my wife, she’s what I married, better or worse,
even though it worse right now, it has to get better. It became Sarah’s main
interest to figure out why I was with my wife, and why I endured all she put me
through. I told her all the shit I did, I hit her sometimes we fought, I get
angry a lot, I would be verbal degrading nightmare, I would build her and tear
her down. We hid things from each other, the more I talked the more she asked,
the worse it got. I just couldn’t hide it anymore, she was too close. She knew
what was going on, and she stayed.
As the wife spiraled down and after every fight she had with
me, Sarah would be there. She listened, she never judged. She never spoke ill
of my wife, I would not tolerate it. That was untouchable, she was her domina,
like it or not. If she wanted me she had to take my wife, no exceptions. The
more she stayed, the higher she lifted me, the stronger I became, the worse my
wife got. She did not want her husband being a Dom to her again. She worked
long and hard to brainwash me into thinking how wrong I was in what I believed.
It’s ok, she didn’t believe it because I guess she figured if she couldn’t
follow me, no one would. Once she found out Sarah would, it became her goal to
tear us apart. Putting not only her collar, but our entire marriage on the
line. The bigger the defiance, the less I wanted to be around her. She was
pushing herself away in anger. She had to look at someone who was getting
kudos, adoration, praise, and pride from a man she wanted it from. She wanted
me to give it to her, like her collar, like her hand in marriage, why work for
it when you can throw temper tantrums till you get it to shut up? Sarah was
earning it, workshop by workshop, picture after picture, she kept her house in
order, her kids with time, her schooling, her job, her D/s. I was really proud
of her, like a sponge or a duck in water.
After my wife left me i honestly did not know what to expect, I
figured Sarah would go. Without her it was just me, and like my wife thought me
garbage I assumed she would too. She however, did not. The night I first went
up to see her I called, she was at work. I said i don’t have anywhere to go and
she invited me up to thanksgiving with her family. I was not in the mood or any
condition for a family meet but if she could make me smile through a pc, I had to
wonder what she could do in person. If i was going to lose, I was going to lose
big. All or nothing. It was a slow painful trip up there that is for sure. I
felt so empty, so cold. I was exhausted and shot full of tears. But I couldn’t
sleep. I couldn’t stop shaking. We were speaking on the phone to each other for
around 10 min before I pulled in. It was freezing up there, she was waiting on
the porch. From the looks of her probably a lot longer than 10 minutes. I saw
her in my mirror walking across the street to me. She came out to me, just wow
she came out to me. I met her at the back of
my van, I wasn’t
quite what i was going to do till she got about 2 feet
in front of and in a millisecond I knew through the depths of my very heart she
was not only straight up the whole way from the rip in honesty, she was smiling
at me. Smiling at me. I kissed her with a kiss that shook the ground we stood
I felt life, I felt a heart, beating like I never had in years.
I felt a warmth in the winter like a sunshine on a beach in the morning with a
cool breeze on you. It was right then i knew not only did I love this woman, I
could bond to this woman. It was right then, right there, I knew she was a
keeper. The first night we discussed a few things, mainly the D/s dynamic. I
explained that we need to redefine what we are now. She was no longer kept in a
certain place or position, no longer would a line be drawn, no longer did my
wife have any kind of say on what we do, she has moved on. If we are actually
going to have a solid partnership, the only way it’s done is the bottom up. We
need to just be together for now, see how we do. Go from there. She agreed and
all protocol was laid to the side. I was me, she was her. I spent the first
night getting hammered and crying, with Sarah comforting me the whole way,
because she knew how much I loved my wife, she knew who she was to be, she knew
she would have to shoulder this grief with me, the grief of a broken, regret
filled man. No other woman i ever had including my wife would ever make a
choice like that. To love one and carry a broken heart by another. It was the
strangest feeling I ever had.
I was a different man getting out of that van. After that night
of suicide attempts and wal mart shopping for her man I was different. I had
all these emotions back I didn’t know what to do with. I could feel again. All
of them rushing around. I felt the love and loss of my wife again, it was a
powerful feeling. My love for Sarah was skin deep before that night, it was
logical, it was a deep respect and an adoration for how she respected and
treated me. After that night right when i got out of the van to meet her, That
kiss I truly felt, fell, and had an emotional and soul binding love for this
woman. No bullshit, not this time.
Thanksgiving day with her family was an
extremely nervous experience. Her family knew I was married, they knew Sarah
was a part of this poly, they were not informed yet my wife left me for another
man. I had no idea what they would think of me. Strange how well received i
was. Her family is a load of nice people.
It was so long since I watched a woman just be a woman. Parking
all the food brought, getting the men to get tables and chairs, setting things
up, cooking, chasing tons of kids. All in love, no screaming just smiles and
laughs. Reminded me of my family when we were on bridge street. I didn’t feel
home, but this was defiantly the best place to be for me from the cold and the
storm outside in the world. I could rest here, and I did. First time in a long
time I spent most of my time drunk or high, Sarah would try to slow me down,
but even she knew it wasn’t happening. Sometimes it’s all you have to kill the
pain, and I refused to mope around while my wife was laughing in the isles at
the damage done to me.
She was extremely
comforting and consoling, nurturing. She really didn’t have to be, in fact I
still do not know of any woman who would be. She prayed for me, she showed my
all her bags of stones, some were for me, some were for my wife and her prayer
of her approval, some were for all of us. I built an appreciation for a woman
of spiritual faith, my wife never prayed for a fucking thing ever. I never even
seen her struggle to grow spiritually. Even though we believed differently,
just the fact she believed and was willing to share that belief with me was
totally new. The next night as I waited on her windowsill, smoking and staring
at my phone. I thought maybe, just maybe I would get a call. Maybe she would
change her mind, Maybe. I would have left then and there to get her, truly. Not
because me and Sarah were doing so bad or anything, but because first and
foremost she was my wife, and she had a lot of confusion about me and Sarah.
Sometimes she would say the meanest shit and when she calmed down, started thinking
rationally she would miss me, come back. But not this time,
this time she spent our anniversary in another man’s arms, and so did I.
Shelter from the storm.
The wife comes in and starts blowing up my phone with her
bullshit, the drinking got rid of most of that, my days with Sarah were walking
by her and just hugging, holding, just hours of hold me so tight so I do not
fall, her smiling response was easy to read. I will carry this man, I will
carry this man because he is worth it. I was worth it. Not my wallet, not my
deeds, not my sacrifice. Me as I was broken hearted and piss drunk with
sadness. I was worth it.
The wife gave me the chance to go home and work it out, I took
it. She was my wife, divorce or not, back door man or not, liar or not, she was
my wife. I was a servant to that vow. In all our times of hardship it seemed
some days the only thing I hung on to. She could have just hinted to wanting to
work this out and I would have done anything to go home to my wife. I would
have drove straight to Texas. All she had to do was take one look at my face in
real life, she would have known. When I contacted Sarah and told her to back
off until we sort this, it may not be now, tomorrow or ever I could have her
back but my wife comes first, Sarah always knew that. No matter who she was or
how she acted, my wife came first. She agreed with a heavy heart and for a day
I began to work something new with my wife. Just me, no bullshit. I spoke to
her in forgiveness, my sorrow and guilt, love and adoration. I was not going to
fuck this up, whatever she wanted. I was even willing to back out of D/s and
drop anyone she never liked for any reason, even if it was bullshit. I began to
realize nothing was worth losing her, not even my respect or pride. I should
have fought back over shit so stupid. I should have valued the marriage for
what it was, priceless.
After the betrayal yet again I just had to accept it was over,
and go on. She didn’t want me, Sarah still did. So naturally me and Sarah grew
much closer over time. She has faithfully slept with me together or apart by
phone or in bed, every day since this. After all that happened I could not
sleep alone. I would see images of my wife, the pain of the loss, anxiety and
panic would get in me, But hearing her breathe even on the phone would calm me,
it give me something warm to focus on, and we would talk deep into the night. I
went up again for a few days in mid December, the wife would send me texts full
of hate and foul. Sometimes I would respond sometimes not. Sometimes I just got
so pissed I fired back with the ugliest shit that ever came out of my mouth.
But she was supposed to be fucking gone, it’s what she wanted. Just fucking go
then. Why make all this bullshit trouble? She’d send me text on her cell, on
her texting online accounts, it was just so silly. She would not speak to me or
see me, I thought it was because she was scared I’d convince her to change her
mind, but it was because Daniel was unpacking and settling in.
So for this trip[ the best day was when I went
with her family and we picked out a
Christmas tree, cut it down and went back to her place with a
couple of pizzas. New York? pizza is bad ass forget about it! We were right by
Woodstock to, home of bob Dylan. The Catskills are just gorgeous, the woods are
pretty, and the creeks are everywhere, even one behind Sarah’s house. I love
being near water, it soothes me. It always did, even in England. Her family was
so nice, I really liked these people, they treated me with respect, curiosity,
and fair. More than fair. I went home with a plan to come back soon for
Christmas, I still had my grandmother to look after and a bunch of jobs to do
in between so at least I was going to stay busy.
The third trip was amazing despite it all. I just had no one to
talk to but Sarah, she read and listened to everything that was happening. I
kept no secrets, I said no lies about I felt. I love my wife, I forgive my
wife, and if there was a way to put it back together I would in a heartbeat.
Christmas was a prime example of that. Here I was with Justin and Sarah her
whole family and I’m spending most of my days talking to kaitlynn and begging
the wife for forgiveness and understanding. She was very abusive, I had to go
in a room or a quit place to cry here and there, I stayed fucked up most of the
time so it wasn’t too hard, and with my family around I certainly did not feel
overwhelmed. It was good to have Justin there.
All things have a shoe to drop, a new something or other, a
part people tend to hide when they can. This was to be no perfect story.
Nothing ever is. We were all drinking one night and playing a game, the wife
was blowing up the phone as usual and well, she’s my wife I had to respond.
Even if it was nasty i was still trying to be her husband, just give her some
peace, a happy heart, the ability to move on , or come back, whatever she
wanted. I would have done anything but what she did to me, force me to sit in
the middle of her chaos, abuse, and indecision. Sarah was getting fed up with
it. She was getting angry and the drinking didn’t help much. At this point she
hated my wife and wanted to kill her. Out of respect for me, she usually bit
her tongue, but not tonight. A card in the game came up as a truth question,
the question was had I ever thought about an ex while having sex with another
person, Sarah answered yes for me right away, what a surprise my wife thought
the same fucked up shit. I didn’t get mad, didn’t bitch, i just left the table
and went upstairs.
Sarah comes up and throws herself at my feet,
begging me for forgiveness of what she said, I was surprised, she hates feet
and finds them disgusting. Not mine apparently. Kind of a shame though, I give
one hell of a foot massage. It was there i told her i gave my wife a hundred
the night i was going to shoot myself. She lost it, like bad. She went out
screaming and was downstairs yelling extremely loud and aggressive. Way to much
to drink. We all did. I stumbled out to the van. That was usually my first
reflex, Something was going to get thrown at me or I was getting hit, run. She
came out and screamed at me on the street started throwing all my shit in the
van. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was in old me mode. I had to think, what did
I used to do? I used to believe in the power of my love, and the
genuine truth of the love from my partner. Love is forgiveness,
I need to forgive her, I need to understand her pain, her sorrow, I need to
embrace it, and I need to let her know that I value our relationship more than
anything, more than a petty squabble. I trusted in her having the same
I held her face I looked her into my eyes, and I said I am
sorry I do not want to leave, if you really believe in what we are then let’s
fix this. It worked, we did. Not a punch thrown by me, not an object hurled by
me, no pushing no yelling no cursing, and it was not forced. It was natural.
That was the first night i really new, I was different. Sarah got way to loud,
way to vulgar, and busted a shot glass. I wasn’t anywhere near her though, and
i could understand. She was taking on more than any woman would for any man,
let alone a bum like me. I then also knew if I could do this with Sarah, I
could do this with my wife. It’s what i should have stayed doing all along.
Damn my pride. Damn my ego. The next day was her at work and me cleaning her
whole house top to bottom, even did her laundry. Justin was so in the bag he
couldn’t move, Hell I worked on a hangover before, its what men do you know.
She came home with a look of awe I ain’t never seen on a woman, especially at
me. No man ever done anything like that for her before. Me? hell it was
nothing. My wife would get pissed when i cleaned and yank shit out of my hand
and yell at me to sit down while she’s scrubbing and bitching away. I mean why
bother if it’s like that? but no never a thank you, just i didn’t have to do
that. I know i didn’t so thank me for helping you. Try that shit.
The rest of the week was shaky, Sarah was reaching her limit
with the wife and the texts, Justin was telling me to make a choice. At this point
I was in the position if Sarah is forcing my choice she is no better than my
wife. I was not going out of the frying pan into the fire. I would rather stick
to plan a and just end it. If she wanted me she would to endure this. My wife
was undecided, claiming she was single and Daniel was just a friend she was
sick for months and living with her kids struggling. If Daniel promised to take
care of her and dropped her, what a fucking loser he was. Shit gets hot and he
hauls ass huh? Great guy. wonderful. My wife had a choice anytime to say the
words the entire time i was there, all she was trying to do was convince me to
go home early. I told her if she pulled her divorce, I’d know she was serious.
She gamed with me to much to this point. She never did, I stayed till it was
time to go.
Leaving was a little shaky, bitter sweet. I knew Sarah had some
serious anger issues to work on, but I felt she would pull through it. She
carried me this far, I did not think she would let that get in the way, and for
a while she didn’t. Justin has his puddle jumper cancelled on him twice, I
ended up driving him to Philly. I had to hold back some major tears seeing my
wife in the lavender dress in the window, walking down the steps. Like a dream.
Talking to kaitlynn at the same time really didn’t help emotionally, I just
wanted to fall apart. But I held it together and made it home.
By January I felt comfortable enough we could love who each
other was, with or without D/s so I prospected her again, this time without
anything of my wife injected into it. We rewrote all of our agreements and even
changed a few to suit each of us better as we were growing. I took her to her
first high end salon, even got her a makeup class. A girl needs to be a girl
once in a bit, if she was going to be with me she would be more than
presentable, just what i expect from all my submissives. She had an amazing
makeover, and seeing her done up just melted my heart. She was gorgeous. Over
time she changed a few things per my direction, altered her demeanor, her
speech, her habits, her attitude. As i was discovering and changing in my
journey, I also saw her following in most areas. The biggest change I made was
the thank yous. Instead of thank you I preferred her to say i am happy, or you
make me so happy. Never in 10 years had i ever heard either. It was a nice
The long distance or LDR was also ironed out. We started to
have a more serious sex life whether i was there or home here. She has quite an
intense libido, It’s been hard to keep our hands off of each other. I love
getting my back scratched, due to my shoulders I have been able to in months.
She adores me, and man I love being adored. Just makes me want to do more in
return, as it should be in all relationships , I would think. She also curbed
her drinking considerably, probably to combat the temper. I told her she was
covering a symptom, not the problem.
It was at this time I began my serious devotion to the
restoration of myself, and the possible repair of my marriage. I told Sarah I
needed the time, I told her to let me go and keep to her schedule. If she
wanted to wait it was up to her, but I had no idea how long this was going to
take, maybe never. I had to try. So as I cut everyone off including Sarah, I
began to focus on my issues and what I did to destroy my marriage. Sarah held
true to her orders, day in and day out. My wife wasn’t concerned with anything
but being friends, and lying about her status with Daniel. She managed to tell
me at one point thank god we would never be husband and wife again. I
understood, cried, wished her all the best and left it alone. I didn’t want her
as a friend, not after all her games and lies. If she was to be my wife were
going to commit to being honest with other, no more secrets, no more lies and we
were going to never be apart again, i would see to that no matter what it took.
Never apart again.
After a few days I realized there was no point
in leaving Sarah out, who gave a fuck what my wife thought, she was leaving,
she wanted to be nothing to me. Her opinion was moot. So by the early of
February I made another trip, again the wife blowing up my phone when she found
out where I was. But this time she was different, she was talking a possible
poly again. She was confused she said undecided. I would have to wait a
decision. My wife said Sarah would never go for
it, I had faith in it. Sarah came into all this with my wife,
She knew how i felt about my love for her and my forgiveness, growth and
possible restoration I would have given anything up for. If this was possible,
this was going to be right. Whatever it took. Sarah collapsed, she lost it. I
guess she thought it was over, hell even I did. But with this from my wife I
couldn’t say fuck you too bad, I loved her very much.
I emailed my wife the news she was right, and I was heartbroken
to believe that Sarah was less than what she claimed she was. Of course my wife
was happy to lay into Sarah over this, and in return for me breaking Sarah’s
trust she withdrew her submission, made me delete all I had done with her,
schedules, rules, all of it. It was over. I was as fine as i could be with
that, I would not be in another relationship of lies. Sarah mended it with a
few days later, but I never took her submission back since. I needed her to
prove to me she would follow me into hell, or be nothing. I would no longer
take a submission for anything less than my will executed in full, whether it’s
wrong or right, whether you like it or not. Sarah had a long way to prove that
shit after this last episode.
Over time the wife tried to convince me she was closer to me,
but since kaitlynn had her phone cloned I already knew better. I started to get
the picture. She was using me to fill a void she had, she was in with Daniel,
his family, her new friends through her son and Daniel. She wasn’t dropping all
that new attention and everything she needed. She was just trying to convince
me to stay in her life to some agreeable point, even sexually if she had to.
She just wanted me to stay around, nothing more. Didn’t mean she wouldn’t lie
through her teeth to convince me though, man she did.
My next trip up was valentine’s day. We had a great night, but
the error that was done on both our parts loomed a bit. We still put it aside
and I had one of the best nights on valentines I did in years. For the first
time in ten years, my wife would be somewhere else and so was I. It was at that
point, that night between all her lies and my night with Sarah, my feelings for
my wife began to fade into the acceptance of the finality. I still had hope she
would change, I still remained as sweet as i could to her ignorant ass, even
when she wouldn’t answer me for hours, and like usual never spent any serious
time with me, this was just worse. I knew every day, it was a fucking lie. This
time I knew it though, I finally had the proof.
Sarah worked diligently on herself, she got
aligned and began to follow my lead on all aspects, whether she wanted to or
not, Even when she didn’t she never made it a point to indicate that to me
unless I asked. I was extremely impressed. Even when my wife was complaining
still on Sarah writing things on her fetlife profile and facebook. The pictures
I posted of us together, she took all of it down just like I did, because I
asked her to. Not even under a collar, I am so proud of her. My wife since had
repeatedly talked shit on facebook, public and private.
even texted Sarah ugly. Sarah has responded with respect,
because I told her to. She keeps her thoughts, written opinions, and what she
physically wants to do to her out of my mind. She follows my will, That is
February was us growing even with growing pains, temper on her
would flare, but I would remain understand, I would not fight back. I would not
get defensive, I would remain calm. If I am truly different, I have to prove it
in every aspect of my life, with everyone. Sarah was no exception. As she
learns, she grows to. She is again growing with me. But that’s what a great
relationship is. Growing with each other, understanding each other, loving each
other. The rest just does not belong. Prayer, reading, support, faith, belief,
and the realization That my thought process was so fucking wrong with my wife.
The guilt and absolution of all of that is still taking a lot of time. Sarah
hears everything I think, everything I feel, and everything point my wife and I
were at. I would not have relationship of lies again. Always with an ear,
always with an opinion on me, not my wife unless I asked. I would share my
spiritual growth with her, my confusion, everything. All acknowledged, all
accepted, always standing by me, always proud of me. She was happy, and I was
Until it was over with my wife, all this was good at the time,
for if my wife would have wanted it, I would have to let Sarah go. My covenant
above all else was the most important thing I ever gave to anyone. I knew my
wife would never come back or really want to short of a miracle, she would
never make herself an ass in her current social circle. She was in too deep. I
would tell Sarah to have faith in our destiny. If she truly believes i am the
one for her, forever no matter what. She should never lose faith in our
relationship. Even my wife wouldn’t tear it apart. Lord know she was trying
like hell. The wife had more to prove than Sarah did at this point, and her
bullshit was getting too much even for me.
Here I was in a relationship full of truth, love, and honesty
and a wife full of lies and games and deceit. My hernia operation was coming,
and Sarah volunteered to tend to me while i was sick, she had some vacation
time, and her kids have active fathers so she left them with dad and came up.
The wife didn’t like it, but she wasn’t coming either. I got a text every now
again not even asking much on how I’m doing, mostly digs at Sarah and insults.
Figures. Sarah as usual came through incredibly well. She truly is an amazing
So at some point in
march, my wife down to nothing but short sentences and verbal abuse, so here I
am slipping back into the same shit and responding to her the way she talks to
me. Then she throws a fucking fit about how I’m talking to her and I just let
her have it. I told her about the phone and her bullshit and what I knew was
going on. What’s she do? she tells all her friends I’m a sick pedophile
recording my stepdaughter dressing. That was it, that’s final. If she thinks of
me like that, so horrible, so sick, so capable of being a pedophile? fucking
get the fuck
out of my life. I could never be on any kind of relationship
level with anybody who even accuses me of that shit. Sick of the games, sick of
the abuse, sick of the lies, sick of the indecision. She should have stayed
gone in November, but she just didn’t think she hurt me enough yet for all the
lies she made up about me. All used, all a game, and the same old broken record
of being a cheater. She was cheating to, I mean what the fuck? She never even
acknowledged or owned up to anything she ever did to me. to this day she still
lies through her teeth about anything she did. She always has some stupid excuse
or perception for it. Listen to what she says, you can almost smell the
bullshit. She is not a good liar, but she can manipulate into thinking
anything’s possible, it’s just who she is.
As the divorce draws to its close and finality, we are now
discussing the future together in life, and what we want to do with each other
for the rest of our years. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s serious, but
what it is, is full of love, hope, and faith. Something I have not had all 3 of
in a very long time. My decision with Sarah never produced everything I wanted,
but it gave me what I needed. My goal was and always has been a poly dynamic
being the next logical step due to my wife’s lack of improvement, and my own as
well. She was not ready for anything of that sort, I felt she could have been.
Sarah however is, and I look forward to our future and possibly exploring the
option. Sarah was never meant to fill the entire void, just plug the holes. But
she says she can, time will tell.
My wife told me once I was begging her back because the grass
wasn’t greener on the other side, She could not have been any more wrong. I
make love now, I have no D/s in practice, I am calm, I am at peace with all of
this finally and accept it for what it is. My wife never knew what she had, and
couldn’t fathom what to do with it. Sarah not only knows what she has, she
fights to keep it. I really have no idea where we are going to go from here,
but she is more than ready for anything. I have dreams of swing dancing, of
living together soon, maybe a D/s dynamic. Getting involved in the community
again, and molding a beautiful piece of wet clay to my will and desires. Before
I proceed however, I have to finish my personal growth. I have to be sure my
wife is cleansed from me. I will not carry anything of my baggage with her, or
my faults from my previous into this one. This will not fail, because I will do
this with light and love, not Vincent and bitterness. Not hate. Love and
understanding. The fight for the value of what we are and how rare it really
Until now I would have accepted my wife back
with open arms, putting all of this down and fighting again for her heart. Her
love, her forgiveness. I just have to accept my defeat with her and go on. But
until the pain of her is out of me, and my visions of her no longer torment me,
I must hold my advance, and Sarah will wait by my side, because I am worth it
to her. In retrospect looking how both behaved, yes. She is worth it. She
always was. You keep someone that comes back to you. No one ever has for me
except my wife a very long time ago. All along I realize that was the woman I
loved, the woman I married. She is dead, whether I
killed it or not, she should have never died. Mine never did. At the same time however, I will not do something as stupid as to search for something that just is not there ever again. It’s too painful.
April 14. 2017 at
Marriage is supposed to a bond greater than a single life. It
is vows taken to combine two people in loving matrimony, promises made to stay
together through the good weather and the storms. To grow and change together,
not as separate entities. Marriage is built on trust, faith, and respect
without any of these it will crumble and fall apart. I speak on this out of
experience as my marriage fell apart over 15 years ago. I was in it whole
heartedly and despite my every effort, it ended anyways. As I have read these
words several times and I am a witness to the growth of Sir, I can now look
back and see why and where mine went wrong, and why he fought so hard for his
to remain. For this I thank you Sir.
Moving on without the one you have invested so much time with,
one that did not choose to grow with you, is the hardest experience to
transition to. It is hard to put the past where it belongs and carry on as if
years have not been wasted. The thoughts of not finding someone that will
compete you is almost unbearable at times. I can only be grateful that I was
enabled the chance to help with this transition period. A time where there are
suicidal thoughts, extreme bouts of depression, and questions about ones self
and the ability to love another, ever again!
I have personally had a chance to watch and see
Sir go through many stages during a time of misery. I have seen him sad and
broken. I have seen him lost and angry. Sir has also been full of questions
that may never have truthful answers.
He has now become a much different man. He is happy, well as
happy as he can be at the moment. He smiles a lot lately. He has always had an
undeniable hope within him. I could see it from the first time I looked in his
eyes. A hope so great, it inspired me to get to know him better. Sir still has
this unbreakable hope to this day, and this to me is courage. He also has a
remarkable love. A love that was well hidden when I met him, I wanted so bad to
uncover it. Despite his marriage I was hoping to come in and uncover his love
so this would grow between the 3 of us. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Sir was able to
allow his love to be free only one was receptive and the other, well you read
The admiration I have for this man is beyond anything I have
ever felt. His change and ability to act and think differently astounds me. I
am so proud of his every decision even if I couldn’t see where it was going at
first. Even when I was at my most weakest point and scared to death, Sir was
always there for me. Just as he is now, never leaving me to my own destruction.
My thoughts can get carried away at times. He is such an amazing man it bothers
me that some do not see this. Not everything is perfect, which it does not have
to be. Sir always has the best intentions at heart and when he strays away from
that concept, it is only due to someone pushing him to the point of no return.
Although it has only been 6 months since I have
been with my soul mate, Sir has taught me so much. About life, love, and myself
as well. I cannot thank him enough for all of this. What I can do is say, “I am
happy”. I will love you and cherish you for the rest of our days together. I
will honor you by showing all that comes into our lives, they are welcomed and
in a safe environment. I can adore and care for you with every breath I take.
And I without a doubt in my mind and without a second thought in my soul, will
never use, abuse, or manipulate you in any fashion. You are my savior, you are
the air I breathe, you are my one true soul mate. Our bond and relationship
will always be first and foremost even in upset times. I am proud and happy to
have been with you throughout this entire
For the last 6 days I began to write this story, Writing all
the lies and discrepancies I caught my wife in finally because I finally began
to save screenshots, copy texts, and from monitoring kaitlynn’s cell phone. It
was to be terrible tale of manipulation, lies, abuse, deception in the worst
way, and heartbreak in an unimaginable fashion I have to repair from, along
with the proof of it. Paragraph after paragraph, screenshot after screenshot.
The worst things I ever conceived in my mind were true, and the worst I had
ever done to expose the truth finally, I had to stoop to her level. After I got
through all the rage from again another betrayal from my wife to add to the 4
or 5 she had under her belt already, I erased it all, this is not a tale of my
wife. This is not to destroy anything of who she is, or how she operates. She
will have to answer for her own and her own karma or judgment or goddess
retribution, however you want to go. I am well versed in spiritual sickness
now, I am well aware of why my wife ails, and what ailed me. This is about me,
this is not a tale of woe. This is to be a tale of victory, of triumph. Of
growth, and change. I may not have much longer to live, but I want everyone who
ever knew me to know, good or bad. This was me, this is how I thought, this is
I will write this in 3 separate stories, because the situations
as I have always stated were of separate place in my heart, and the growth and
feeling and closure of each will not do each other justice. I have to close the
book on the first, and open the new book on the second.
I remember asking my wife for help yet again, I needed more
support, more time, more of her. She just either didn’t have any more or
refused to give any. She would constantly question my directions and motives
because she never understood me. I think
because she was naturally selfish and self centered she must have believed at
this point I didn’t give a shit about anybody but myself. Truth is the only
time I do start giving a shit about myself is because I am out of gas. I was
losing strength to carry on. I actually got a point one night where again my
wife was threatening to kill herself and I pulled out my pistol and said fuck
it lets go together. She changed her mind. Pity, had I know what was coming i
wish we would have.
My mind eroded, grasping at straws, I become a
downward spiral in this lie my wife was painting for me. She was a true
submissive to me, she belonged to me, I could count on her. The questions long
plagued my mind. If I were to do to her what she has done to me over the years,
would she still be here? I never wanted the answer to that. I stuck my head in
the sand and lived with a lie every day, just
like all the others. I just managed to keep life in this one a
little longer. I had to find something to keep my mind off of my wife steadily
abandoning me. It was just making me so pissed when I finally talked to her I
didn’t want to anymore. Did she really think I couldn’t feel her pulling away?
Probably not. She always thought because i let her abuse my trust and she would
just give me the biggest bullshit story on the planet about all her deeds, I
ate it up because i was moron. I ate it because i love her more than i have
ever loved anybody my entire life. Never as hard, never as deep , never as
crazy or intense. I truly had all of me in it. Even if I didn’t believe it at
I eventually decided to become involved in a few of the BDSM
groups on facebook, I was not very well received in the first one. I tend to be
opinionated and extremely direct. This was working out quite well, I started to
feel like I was at least contributing some knowledge somewhere to someone, I
had a few chats with people here and there, turned out to be very fulfilling,
especially with the long days home along try wait for my shoulder injuries to
heal to the point I could start working again. I was very much looking forward
to my wife’s arrival in November. I would brag about her good points, even
showed off a few pictures of her. I was still proud of what little I had at the
time, for it was all I had.
It was then on a particular post response I got a personal
message from the member I answered, her name is Sarah. She was looking for
people to connect with that had a genuine Dominance in them, and was looking to
acquire a knowledge more than what was typically posted, usually just kink. I
messaged her back personally and we chatted a bit for a week or so. Audio on
Skype, no pictures or video at this point, I wasn’t looking for that. But just
as I done in the nation so long ago, I began to think I could bring her into
the fold. The wife was defiantly bust elsewhere and again, she said needed time
to return to her former glory in her words from march. So I begin to think
maybe I could wing this woman, keep busy, build myself back up, validate myself
again. I felt I failed to break or train my wife, I wonder if I even had it in
me anymore? Here I was doing all this talking, and no walking. I asked Sarah if
she minded this option and if she would wait for me to present it to my wife.
She said yes.
So when I posed this to the wife I did not
mention I had anyone in mind, because i knew she would destroy her first, and
junk the concept. She seemed all to happy for me to sit alone at home waiting
for her. Miserable. I don’t even think she noticed my pain, or my suffering at
the loss of her. She spent to much time yelling and complaining. My mentality
was this, my wife was estranged from me, I could think of a hundred reasons
why, why not take on a project, get female companionship, maybe even rebuild
myself, strengthen my energy reserves.
When my wife decided to return to her former glory, we could be
waiting, hell maybe she could even help her. It would spare an affair, and
Sarah seemed more than happy to contribute to the dynamic in any way she could.
Sarah also mentioned how much respect she would have for my wife for allowing
her to do this. I knew it would take a contract, and I knew it would have to be
totally up to my wife, but once it was in I was to follow it. The rest was in
my control, and i thought that would be more than fair.
The wife agrees, not knowing I had someone in mind already, and
we draw out the contract. This would more than work, it would be something I
could do to fill the empty space, fill up the void. Just until she came back,
maybe even longer if my wife would get to like the idea. I also thought this
would build her trust in me again, she never would have to accuse me of being
somewhere and fucking around, she would know where I was and what i was doing.
To her that was everything. We could all be happy here.
I couldn’t have been any more wrong. After the first week or 2
she began to erode, she would get snide and make jealous comments. She would
hear things she didn’t say, read things that were taken the wrong way etc… It
just was not in Sarah’s nature, but the wife believed otherwise. Around this
time I became admin of a slave group and the fact that Sarah wanted to be a
trained slave only made my wife more mad. A submissive has a lot more say and
free will, a slave has no free will. My wife was well aware this is what I
preferred. So her position became jeopardized in her mind. She began to get
grossly out of line with her disrespect, she began to assume me and Sarah had
more time together, and all of a sudden my wife began to have all kinds of free
time again. I think she realized she pushed me too far away, and was losing her
control. Instead when my wife was mad, or in a bad mood, I wouldn’t take any
shit anymore, I just left her and spent time with Sarah, Not outside of the
schedule or contract, but just spending time with Sarah really lifted my
spirits. She would smile when I came on, she got along great with Justin, she
fit in like a glove. Except of course, with my wife.
The more Sarah was learning, the better she got. My wife was
noticing Sarah was superseding her, for my wife was hardly a domestic except on
the internet, had no emotional support whatsoever, she did however have a
sexual advantage to knowing my wants and needs and supplying them and that
solidified her status. I guess she did not feel it was enough, she began to
demand Sarah be removed per her right to our contract, I refused. I refused
because I could not train my wife and have the strength to punish her correctly
without Sarah. My wife could always make me buckle in a decision, with Sarah
she could not. My wife began to spin out of control with wild accusation of
sarah’s intentions and was literally looking for anything to discredit her or
to twist into disrespect to my wife. It’s at this point I believe she was
presenting her twisted side of the story to various people until she got the
answer she wanted to hear.
The first major incident of disrespect was a
group meeting and she was in a terrible mood. She ruined the evening with it
like she was always good at and I told her to go. I was going to release her
from service but she again begged for me
to think of something so she could make up for it. After all
this time I was running out of things to think of. She offered to cut, I said
no. I knew she was going to do something to herself, so I just told her to
brand an R on her ass for respect. I figured sitting on it for a few weeks
would do the trick and she could fall in line again. Just be sweet and
respectful to me, don’t act like you were always there for me and i pushed my
wife away, it was not like that. She pushed me away since I told her to get a
fucking job for once and I wasn’t paying her anymore. When Sarah started to
work out, she suddenly freed up all this time and tried to come back in with an
iron fist and boot Sarah to reclaim her property so she could drift away again.
No. Not this time, I was not having it.
She was my submissive, I was not hers. She was going to learn that or go. I had enough. Enough abuse, enough bullshit, enough lies, enough games. She would realize how special I was, what my value was or be gone from sight and lots of luck. I really was not worried, she did everything for me, she always swore she’d never leave me, she always swore. No matter what she was lying about, I believed that. I see now in retrospect how silly it was to believe a liar. She was only saying what she knew i was capable of doing. That’s what made her phony. I had plenty of proof, she had none. She was never placed in a position of hardship with me, I never pressed a hard punishment, even with kam and the apartment she buckled. It was always something she agreed with, not something I wanted for her penance. A Dom is not perfect, nor are his all of his judgments, but this isn’t about a tribunal or following a book or someone’s opinion facebook. Submission is a testament of love to your man for who he is, how special he is to you, and how much and how far you are willing to go to serve his will. If his will was for you to walk off a cliff, you would go, and he would reap his own consequences (but it is also his job to stop you.). The sub does not inflict them, only by walking away as a failure to him. The rest is in the mind of the man himself, and the realization his training was to a partner with all words, and none the commitment he has to her. nothing even close to match. The commitment I have to my wife is immeasurable. To this point I never loved anyone harder, truly madly and deeply. Stressing the madness. What man stays with a woman who hits him? degrades him? lies to him? betrays him? incapable of support financially, or emotionally? Abandons him to fend for himself in every time of major need? Manipulates him with her own children? Is a constant vacuum of need and low self worth, is mentally and physically sick? Not only that but refuses to take medication for extended periods of time? Who does that? who stays after all of that? who stays miserable and attached in sickness, health, rich, poor? roaches no roaches? cats no cats? till death? This one does, because this one gave it his all on hope and faith. Hope she was bonded with my very soul for all time, and faith her core and her bond to me was as strong as mine was to her. People say they love, they say the words. But if you never had a gun barrel in your mouth and squeezed a trigger at the thought of the rest of your life without them, you have never fucking loved shit. Your love is a hallmark card with no signature.
The second instance was the same thing, disrespect again in the
group meeting we had once a week. The trouble was Sarah got drunk and went
driving to pick up her drunk son. She refused my direction and went anyway.
Disrespect. First occurrence with Sarah and this was just after my wife decided
to run her mouth all attitude and disrespectful. So now i have a sub that
doesn’t know her place and a prospect taking her lead. I could not punish the
prospect, i had no verbal submission and this violated standard protocol, my
wife however wanted her punished anyway. So now she’s the Dom telling me how to
handle the prospect. It was at this point, I decided to pass the punishment to
her for being a general bad influence. Mind you this was originally just going
to be wrapped into her regular pain session until she decided to have another
fit of it not being fair (like she had say, oh wait she thought she was the D),
then it escalated.
Jesus I fucking branded her is she out of her mind? I kept
telling her I can’t punish her anymore she just will not submit to my decision.
I wish she could have understood. Sarah was not more important, Sarah was vital
to train my wife not get me angry or hurt or abusive to me. What really was
pissing her off, was she could not control me through the guise of submission,
this is a very common attitude and tactic used by most bullshit 50 shades subs
these days. Oh if I act like I am submitting to my man, but throw safe words
and no’s on everything he wants, and be miserable , hell do what it takes to
make me pleased so I can continue to submit to anything I agree to. This tactic
makes a shallow Dom, and the roles are now reversed. The woman has all the
power, that is just not the way it was meant to work. Not the way I was brought
to it, The subs I knew over the years (some of them actually trained me in how
to treat them at first) were nothing like that. Their joy was in the happiness
of their Dom, their personal goals were irrelevant other than security, safety,
love, and adoration.
When a Dom reaches the point where he feels anything he would
do would not change the problem, or just be abusive because it would produces
no result. He has 2 choices. Release her from his service, or remove her from
his presence. Removal is a last ditch effort to smack some sense in the submissive.
It tells her she is about to lose everything she is supposed to hold dear, all
of her oaths and her credibility of who she was, and all that she was trained
to be. She would never be able to perform quite the same way again, for
everyone is different. She is supposed to lose her identity, fell all of that
loss and correct herself. Come back whole and grateful to be back, and return
to service, problem corrected.
Again, this did not have the effect i was
looking for. She refused the punishment, and I kept adding more time, I said if
we get past a month I would release her.
She finally Threatened to kill herself, her
usual last ditch effort for me to buckle. But again I was not going to buckle
this time. My wife/sub was going to value me,
she was going to respect me, or she was gone. Bearing in mind
after all these years of her begging not to leave me every time I wanted out,
all these years of swearing I was hers, all these years of her supposedly dying
without my love I had faith in her change. She was mine, above all else in the
world, she was mine. I wasn’t trying to devalue you, I was trying to keep her
ahead of Sarah’s training. My wife had every chance to prove what she was to
me, and if she would have just accepted it in the first place instead of
playing on her own insecurities, I would like to think it would have been
different. But it would have not changed a thing at this point.
I finally buckled due to her crying and hyperventilating, as I
always did and reduced the time for a weekend. But that was to be unmovable. I
had to hold to my decision or I fail at the very core of what I claim to be. I
received a call from Sarah the next day, My wife had texted her and said she
was in the hospital. At first Sarah said she was dead. My heart just fucking
dropped. After all the threats all of those years, Jesus. She fucking did it.
Jesus. If she wouldn’t have corrected herself, I would have been dead. No way I
could have lived with that, no fucking way. She said she was in for a panic
attack to the point of almost having a heart attack. I broke my word and I
texted her, asking her not to respond and apologizing for what she went
through. I was looking forward to her return as i had hoped this would do the
It did not, and i suspect she was not at the hospital in
retrospect, but all I have is her lying word. Then comes the facebook posts.
Sarah in our private group was singing my praises and sharing her experiences
and thanking me for all she would become, and my wife lost it. Probably due to
her slamming me in every group she belonged to, and twisting her problems in
such a way to generate sympathy. I have a feeling if they ever read my side
they would tell me to run from this woman. So she makes her final ultimatum
again with a bitter and jealous heart, lose her or lose me. I said fine, I’ll
lose you. I cannot take you any further and you are released from your service
to me. She then began going hysterical and badgering me to say I wish she was
dead so i could go be happy with Sarah. Over and over and over again. I was so
shaking pissed to her idiocy. I said a thousand times , Sarah was not replacing
anyone. She was completing us. She was completing me, she was filling the voids
you wanted nothing more to do with it. I was hating her less for that
rejection, but the removal of Sarah meant in no time I would just as empty,
just as dry, just as neglected.
That’s where she wanted me. Suffering by her
hand. Bitter because I wouldn’t support her. When she did nothing to support
me, or change her abusive attitude since I left. She was now just abusive from
a distance, and I was becoming abusive again as well. Bitter, defensive, and
sick of her bullshit. Sick of her trying to brainwash me with her perception
and calling my feelings lies. I know what the fuck i felt i know how the fuck I
felt, I know why I done what I done. I snapped, like a fucking rubber band. I
gave in to the badgering, I told her fine your fucking
right. Go fucking kill yourself go do the
fucking world a favor it would be a better place without you. Let me and Sarah
be happy. I left her like that. It wasn’t right, but I did it. I was like a rat
pushed into a corner, I fought my way out.
So after this and me having no knowledge of it at this point in
time according to her she carves the name unwanted in her thigh, and tells all
of her facebook cronies she’s killing herself and goodbye. Because that’s what
you do when you kill yourself, you log on facebook first to post to everyone
you’re going to kill yourself. She then has her first and amazing meet with the
love of her life, Daniel. He comes in and strokes her hair all night with the
bedroom door open while she is crying. Sure, right.
So a half a week goes by, all is quiet. I go out to buy an
ounce of weed, a new pipe and a grinder for my wife. On top of the toys we
bought I was in for just a week of sitting and bonding again with my wife,
having some fun and talking about all that happened, possibly even reding what
we both wanted here, it was obvious she wasn’t happy, and if she wanted Sarah
to go what was to be in its stead? My wife even suggested at one point dropping
Sarah and finding another one, I’m like if you think poly bdsm slave prospect
females just fall out of the fucking sky you go find one and I’ll swap her.
Again the wife texts me and asks if she can go to the hospital,
she is having intestinal trouble. I said yes because I would like you good for
the trip. She said thank you and went in, then she said she was going to her
mother’s to get help and be cared for. Without her kids? sure. Daniel also came
by to help her move boxes from Karen and take care of my wife. Gee you think I
would have met him by now. I received o texts from her except one that said the
pain pills were making her sleep. So I buy it kind of, I didn’t care she was
still coming. I spent the same week with sarah, and we had a tiyst encounter.
My wife never even checked on me. Later i find out why. I was going to tell her
when she came up, I mean I felt bad, but at the same time I was fucking pissed.
A week of intestinal trouble and pain pills that make you sleep 24 hours a day
and Daniel helping Karen move boxes? when the fuck did they meet? she also neglected
to tell me Daniel was even at her house, or her mothers, or his whole existence
for that matter. Because she was lying to me. What else is new?
I get the text 2 days before the flight. She
wants a divorce because she read some more facebook posts she didn’t like. All
these years, all this love and respect she supposedly had for me, and I get a
text for a divorce. You fucking loser. A text? God this was too much. I said
you too fucking pussy to say it to my face? so she calls and says it, that’s
when I hear it in her voice. She’s been fucking around with another guy, I even
said so. She ignored it and I said look just come up everything’s paid for we
can talk it out, I’ll even sleep on the couch or at home. Let’s just be adults
here. You know if she did come and say it to me, say how it wasn’t working, say
she had a back door man and was in love, said we need to be over and he’ll care
for me, I would have cried yes, but i would have let her go.
We’d still be friends. But this wasn’t about being an adult or
respect or the 10 years and all I gave to her, this was about revenge. Revenge
for all the slights she felt, revenge for the control she lost over me, revenge
for not being treated like a queen when she acted like an absolute cunt,
revenge for feeling worthless and paying attention to a fucking cock that will
say anything he can to steal anybodies pussy. The sharks see a mark, a weak
fish, they take them down. She melted in his arms. She fell in love. She fell
in love and forgot I was ever born. Her greatest and last promise, broken.
Another lie. I don’t blame the man that takes it ever, I blame the lying whore
that lets him in the fucking door. You need a dick whatever, you wanna give
your heart away? your nothing but a prostitute to the highest bidder.
I don’t blame her, with all she thought I might have to if I
thought my partner evil, until now and only briefly I assumed mine was rotten
to the core too. But remember, she had been lying about how evil I was to
everyone for fucking years for her sympathy fix. I never felt sorry for her, If
she can throw’ a punch and fuck, she can get a fucking job. She could go to
school, get a diploma, finish high school, volunteer, something. Nah, just
wanted a life of laying on her ass and making trouble for people supporting her
and anyone else she might not like. None of this was even close to right, it
was all to mind fuck me out of vengeance. She could of told me about Daniel and
her feelings a long time ago, I would have allowed it, I had no right to say
shit. But Daniel wanted the whole pie of my wife, not just a slice anymore. He
was breaking up with his woman, and needed a place for he and his daughter to
live. Unknown to me, the move of him to her place with his daughter was going
to go down in December. I was already a ghost and didn’t know it. One huge
knife in my back for all I ever done for her. Thank you. Thanks for all the
truth. 10 fucking years and this is how you do me?
So anyway, after I heard her voice I asked her
one more time, she said she needed to think about it.
I knew she had to come up with a good
lie to her back door man or she needed to be with him for encouragement to stick to
choice. She couldn’t make a choice alone if she tried. She was under his
direction. It was then I was mad, I knew it was over. I knew she wasn’t coming.
I knew my marriage was over. I couldn’t believe she done this to me. Her vows,
her vows she swore she meant, her promises, her lies. It was all lies. She was
spending the night with that fucker no doubt. I wasn’t waiting at home to go
out of my mind, I called sandy and we spent the night together. If she can be
that fucking cold to have a back door man she was fucking, what in the fuck was
I being faithful for? I was way too embarrassed to even go to Sarah with any of
this at this point, I promised to keep the problems of one relationship out of
the other. I felt I had no choice, what if I was wrong?
I just unloaded to Sarah something that passed. I still fucked
my contract, worse than I did already. I mean internet masturbation is one
thing, but this was a physical presence she was cozying up to for god only
knows how long, it could have been since fucking march.
I cried on sandy most of the night, she kept saying this was
for the best, I was unsure of that. But it wasn’t like i had a choice anymore.
In all our years she never said it’s over. The next day I get a cell full of
text messages saying again how Sarah was posting all this disrespectful crap on
facebook and I was letting her, hell i didn’t even read it. She said make a
choice drop her or me, I said let me talk to her about it and she fine I want a
divorce its over, and by the way i have a new man and he’s paying attention to
me when you haven’t and you just made my choice a whole lot easier. She hung
up. What in the fuck? another man? a choice? a fucking choice? are you serious?
First i heard any of this, Fine you want a fucking divorce no problem I’ll
cancel the fucking trip.
I went home and gave her one last chance, and
said I can’t undo this once I do it. So I did it. Then I get a picture message
of a facebook post, some bullshit about how she loves but she can never be with
me again because I chose that skank (Sarah) over her. Bull fucking shit she had
a man, she was in choice, she just chose him and walked away from me. I didn’t
have a fucking choice, I had a fucking ultimatum. My sub giving me an
ultimatum. What a fucking phony. So you can hang from a rope with a bat up your
ass and say yes sir, so fucking what.
It makes you rope trash, nothing more. An object men abuse,
instead of gang fuck, good for you. Never mind who fucking trained you to be
rope trash for 10 years anyway right? never mind who invested in all your
fetish outfits, toys, and encouraged your appetites when nobody else could or
would right? yah just give that shit to this loser because you just met him
twice and he stroked your hair. Fuck ever with that bullshit. Please
So I then go by her page, and for the first time I am looking
since I dropped her off of mine. Loaded with men. Loaded with Dom’s following
her, loaded with all these stupid kink pictures. Loaded with all these rules
and protocols she don’t fucking follow. Oh wow she fancies herself an actual
submissive cuz she’s nothing but a pain slut? oh good. Fuck the loyalty,
though, or the honesty to your Dom, or the lifelong commitment you make with
that collar. So on her post there’s a love, and its from a guy named Daniel. On
his banner posted the night she broke up with me, is my wife lip locking this
cocksucker. Oh wow another breach of contract, like the 4th. Let’s not forget
the radio show incident, the rejection of her punishment with Kam, the couple
she fucked without me, and now kissing a man that is not her husband. The
betrayal, the lies, the depravity, the underhanded fucking behavior of this
woman and this faggot just drove me to a level of pissed like you have not ever
seen. I wanted to get in my van and drive to Texas and shoot them both in the
I had enough, I couldn’t fight this alone anymore, it was the
biggest stab in my back i ever felt, she’s texting me fucking with me about it
telling me how I’m a joke of a Dom and Daniel is a real Dom and blah blah, then
that cocksucker texts me on her phone saying she is under her protection. What
the fuck is this shit, she tells me Daniel was an old crush she had in high
school and they reconnected after 20 years and all this shit, funny nowT
I learned he grew up in Illinois, not Lampasas. But whatever. She always was a
liar, I just thought the important things were truth, till now.
I told her fine, you over with your man I’m going to new york,
she responded with I hope she gives you aids. What the fuck did she care, she
let me know the writing on the wall. She made it plain as day with that fucking
kiss. She gave her heart away. In all that I done, in all that I was, I never
left her side, through good times and bad. Sarah makes some facebook posts and
she leaves my ass? bullshit. She didn’t want to let me know what a lying piece
of shit she was to me all these years. She didn’t want to let me know she
didn’t think anybody would pay for her ass, take care of her, give her what I
could, till now. Till Daniel. I get it. Replace me when I’m replaceable. She
had no fucking idea how many times I could have changed her ass out like underwear
for something better, but I had a wife. A wife that needed time. Evidently time
to have an affair, and make a decision to move his ass in with his daughter and
write me the fuck off. Thanks for the service, and thanks for your shit paper
I was hurting, bad. The drive up there I had to
pull over 6 times to cry, loud. To hold the pain in my chest, to fucking stop
falling apart. Sarah was going to receive damaged goods, knowing full well of
all of this. No doubt my wife’s intentions. I waited the night of the flight,
on Sarah’s windowsill, waited for a call, something.
I received nothing. That’s when I knew it was over. I did get
text’s through the weekend, mostly about leaving her the tax money and paying
her 300 back that wasn’t hers in the first fucking place. But to make a long
story short when she accused me of never loving her, I lost it. I broke down. I
knew deep down I always loved her. She ruined 10 fucking years now she was
attacking how I felt? I wasn’t having it. She said if I left right now, I could
come home and she would forgive me. Little did I know the deed of the move was
already done, and this was just ploy to get me away from Sarah.
My wife then told me I
needed to beat up Sarah and break up with her and record it with my cell, then
she would forgive me. I begged her no fucking way, but I was so distraught I
finally agreed. When it came to it, i could not do it. I loved Sarah, and she
did nothing wrong. Maybe not the same as my wife, but I loved her all the same.
I had to do something, I made this mess, I had to make it right. I was going to
blow my head off. This way my wife would know I loved her, and Sarah would be
safe. My wife did not want me too, but I saw no other way. I told Sarah I was
leaving to go, I had to make this right. She cried uncontrollably and I left. I
left her there, crying.
I went home and she said she would talk to me tomorrow. I sat
all day in agony, drinking and waiting. She ignored me all day until late
afternoon, then she got on Skype. I started crying uncontrollably, I had my gun
on the desk by this time. I was waiting for her to give me the final fuck you.
She never did, but I noticed how cold she was, she almost cried then she wiped
the tear before I saw it. Something wTas defiantly wrong. I said how
can we do this, she said one day at a time. It still didn’t feel right, in
retrospect I know now because it WAS wrong. Just another of my wife’s sick
fucking head games. She was toying with me, I was to desperate to believe
otherwise. When i went home that night, something changed in me. I had
destroyed 2 lives, or so I thought. I tried to something right, and it never
went more wrong. I was believing my wife’s bullshit on how selfish I was I
forgot how i got into this in the first place. I felt so much agony I couldn’t
understand, I never felt like this before. Not for a very long time. I just
didn’t know how long.
I knew she was gone, I jammed that gun in my mouth more times
than I could count. I was talking to Noelle, my wife must have contacted Justin
at some point, Sarah called first. She said she was lighting a candle and
praying for me, she begged me not to go. I said thank you, but I need to talk
to my wife. Justin then called, when he made me promise and told me he couldn’t
take his mother dying and me dead, I promised him. i begged for my wife to
sleep with me, before she agreed she asked me to pay her 100 dollar wal mart
bill. I almost die, but hey before you do can you pay one last bill? Jesus
Christ this woman. Me? I fucking do it, I would have done anything that night,
the sad part is she knew it and used me for it. She had no intention of shit.
When I finally laid down she muted her phone and pretended to. I knew she
wasn’t I even hung up and tried to call back, no answer. She said she was
breathing shallow. Bullshit she was breathing on Daniel.
The next morning she wouldn’t answer my text or
calls for hours, she said she was getting the kids off to school, but I knew
better she would always answer her phone when I called, but I wanted the one
chance, the one day to show her what she meant to me. I didn’t know why I felt
the way I felt. I woke up with no more hate. I forgave not only her for all she
ever did to me, but everyone, everything, all my life, even Vincent was gone,
there was just me, the scared fragile crying child begging for love, for
approval, for her love and approval. I spent the day showering her with all I
felt, God I never felt so much. She tells me she met Daniel the first time at
Karen’s when she was sick but he would go home etc nothing happened and she was
invited to his families for thanksgiving so she could cook dinner for everyone
and the kiss was staged. If you buy that bullshit, I have a bridge to sell you
in Brooklyn. But again, I didn’t care about then, only now. Now on.
We even talked about Sarah, she mentioned how it
could’ve worked if certain things happened, I was thinking good now I can tell
Sarah what’s going on. I message Sarah and tell her I don’t know where she will
be yet, if anywhere, but we need the space and time to figure all this out. My
wife says she’s babysitting and she would go to her mother’s to sleep later. I
said ok I’ll text her in the night,
I did, and Daniel answers the text. He says this was a plan to
treat me like shit and fuck with my head, but it backfired when she read about
Sarah. He said I would be contacted no further until the divorce was final and
he was taking her cell phone. Ouch, one more mind fuck from my wife and the
cocksucker. Yes it hurt, but not as bad. I half expected it.
I tried calling her the next day, and texting,
it was no good. But this was Daniel, she never gives her cell out to anybody,
it just didn’t make any sense. She hid and locked that fucking thing from me
like no tomorrow. He’s got all access because he was in on this fucking thing,
fucking scumbag. The revenge was almost perfect, they just didn’t figure on
Sarah being the real McCoy. No matter, they still did plenty. So I asked my
friend George to go down and see if he could get her to at least talk to me, it
made no fucking sense, I just let Sarah know we needed space,
I mean what the fuck? Little did i know he was already in my
house. Kaitlynn comes out, alone. She tells George mommy has been sleeping over
for days at a time and taking clothes, and she was alone. Cody was staying at
friends so he could eat supper they had no food in the house. George tells me
man , this sounds like its been going on for more than 6 months. I fucking lost
it. All that time, all that space, all that free time in her schedule she was
supposed to be getting herself together, she was fucking man shopping. Jesus
Christ. She was hardly a fucking human being at this point. She wouldn’t let
George in the house, no doubt due to Daniel’s shit in there already. Well I
didn’t have enough answers but I sure knew i was deceived but my wife’s shady
bullshit. Her lies, her deceit, her depravity finally turned to me.
But kaitlynn was alone, and I’m thinking my
wife’s got to be on fucking drugs she never leaves that girl alone. No food?
Days? Jesus. I called my mom and she said she was worried too. I tried calling
my wife and letting it ring and ring and ring. First I left a voicemail yelling
about kai and her fucking whore ass with her god damn bullshit. Then Daniel
picks up the phone and says she doesn’t want you anymore don’t you get it? and
he hangs up. Well fuck, I called the cops for a wellness check. The cop goes by
and nobodies home. So now I’m wtf did mommy tell her not answer the door? where
the fuck did she go. This is when I call the landlord, I asked if anybody in
the park can check on her, he said he knew where Cody was and he had Joe’s
number, he also said the wife was 3 months behind in her rent and said he was
evicting her. Not my fucking problem anymore. In retrospect she had this
covered, with Daniel’s end she’ll have more than enough to do everything she
used to do. I am sure this was a deciding factor, I am not buying the high
school reunion bullshit.
What in the fuck did I do to get done this
dirty, it wasn’t Sarah, Daniel was in the picture long before that. Nobody
moves this fast. Nobody. We’ll wait, she was that fast with me too, still
married even. Fucking bitch. I just couldn’t believe I was never nothing to her.
Nothing but a tool in her box until something else came along when i was used
up and out of gas. I’m sitting here waiting for her to break down my walls and
the damage she caused, she’s fucking man shopping. What a fucking fool I am. I
cancelled the 100 dollar charge on my credit card for that stupid walmart bill,
which mind you when I looked had all this shit for Daniel.
She had a new slut bag she was buying for herself with wheels,
pajamas for a grown man I mean what the fuck how low can you be. He probably is
wearing that cross right fucking now as i type. I bought it right? dick.
Time went on, and between the bout of rage, depression and
despair and the harassing texts I got from my wife every now and again and the
fights I was getting the impression this was far from over. She got her dream
guy, she did her damage. Leave me the fuck alone. Evidently she could not, she
had to abuse somebody I guess. I couldn’t live with this pain anymore, this
despair. I was really suffering. It all went wrong, it was all me, and I
couldn’t change it. i took a lot more weight than I deserved to, I still do. I
didn’t know how to heal, I needed help from someone neutral, someone spiritual,
someone loving. I started talking to my mother. I told her everything, all of
it. everything I could think of, She asked me if I wanted to save my marriage,
I said yes. she said would you give up anything to save it? I said even my own
life if need be. She said show that to God. So I did, I cut off everyone and
everything but my mother and Justin. Social media, all my groups, all of it. My
mother said expect nothing from all of this, but if you show God how serious
you are for answers you will get them. God I needed them.
I still could not believe it, I know what I
felt, it just couldn’t have been one sided,
I felt her just as deep as me, and I knew I
couldn’t away. She couldn’t either. We had to fix this. It was up to me. I had
to sacrifice, I did. All of it. Even Sarah. I sat on Skype everyday waiting to
talk to my wife, never ignoring her. She barley spoke to me, had no answers,
told me she had jobs and did volunteer work which was fucking unheard of for
her. In retrospect there some angle to that shit she is doing, I still don’t
know what. But I am willing to bet it has to do with money and Daniel. She
finally was able to say we would never be husband and wife again, she was
living alone, and wanted be by herself for a while. So I got my answer, fuck
the rest of the bullshit, she never did shit without a man her whole life. It
ain’t changing now. Friends? After all we been through and all I did for you
and the nothing you done for me but be a liar, betray me, use me , and tag
along for my sex-capades that you approved of? You want to be friends? she was
the lousiest friend I ever had when we were together, she barley spoke to me,
and when she did it was all the same cats, weather, and kids. Fuck you. If you
don’t want to be my wife you will be nothing to me, I promise. So I said very
nicely, thanks wish you all best and goodbye. I wrote her off. Done.
At this point in my mind at the very minimum they are having a
non sexual D/s relationship according to her, and she gave him her heart. I
even spotted her wearing jewelry he got her. She won’t admit it, but I fucking
know better. No more wedding ring, she even changed her name to her maiden name
on facebook, and removed every bit of me. Pictures, all of it. My mother says
not to give up, pray for a miracle. I at this point was more interested in
growing out of this pain in my heart, I lost all my armor, my walls of
emotional shielding were shattered, i was so fragile. I had to heal, I had to
forgive, I had to love her, I had to move on. I needed to also combat a
spiritual sickness. Bitterness, rejection, and forgiveness. Every night at 8pm
my mother and I would read the bible, do a course of spiritual healing she
bought me, and i started to feel better.
I began to pray every night again, I blessed my wife, I blessed
Daniel, I begged for forgiveness, I cried and wailed until snot would come out of
nose in despair for help and my penance. I truly believed in what I was saying,
I was trying to remember how much I always loved my wife, and I found it. My
mother said before Christmas she sent some stuff to the kids, I said not to but
she did anyway. Fuckers never even said thank you. After all she done for them,
even had them monsters in her home to keep them from getting swiped by CPS as a
direct result of fucking Matthew, how quickly they forget when mom does right?
I decided to reach out to kaitlynn, I felt really sorry for her and her part to
play in all of this with George. If she wanted me as a father, I would be. I
wanted to be. Was not to concerned with the wife at this point, kai had all my
wife had, minus the anger, insanity, lies, and manipulation.
I bought her a pendant for 200 and some change, solid handmade
silver with our birthstones in it and a note. I found out later she lost it. I
also found out later she was being used by her mother to manipulate me, but
that’s later. When I mailed it out and it arrived it was the first time I heard
from the wife in weeks. Nice mind fuck on my daughters head. No mind fuck, I
was genuine. I was even genuine to my wife. For weeks she would name call me,
make up lies about the situation, abuse me verbally, and all i kept doing was
trying to explain and answer ever foul question from her foul fucking mouth and
respond with love and forgiveness, I did. I just wanted her happy with her
life, I was trying to do the same. It was obvious she wasn’t so I eventually
just asked if she wanted to work it out or what? She would go back and forth
with this for moths, saying maybe, then yes, then no, then drop Sarah, then
maybe a poly, then behind Dan’s back, but I started to realize a pattern. It
was abuse, then more abuse, then I wouldn’t take anymore than she would thrown
in some hope, keep me on the hook, and just do more abuse. She would even
contact my mother when I had enough, and try to manipulate her with lies to
It was a real mind fuck for the longest time, but the end of
January i had an opportunity, kaitlynn was not calling me or speaking to me and
my wife with her infamous bullshit says it’s because kaitlynn doesn’t have a
cell phone. Bullshit she didn’t give a fuck to talk to me, she had a new dad
and a new sister and a happy mommy. Out of sight is out of mind with these
people. I was tired of the lack of answers, tired of the lies, tired of my word
against hers. So I bought a cell phone and sent it down to her. It had a hack
installed in it to broadcast to me her gps, take pictures while a text was
being typed, intercept texts, mms messages, Skype, facebook, all snapped
pictures kai took and video she recorded. Incoming and outgoing calls. Despite
my wife’s accusation it could not just record audio and video anytime I wanted
it to. I basically had access to all of her activity on her phone, even apps
she installed. I took a shot on maybe getting some truth here. I talked to my
mother about it, I even talked to Sarah about it. But my mother said be careful
you are absolutely ready for the truth, you may not want it. All the years of
lies and bullshit out of her I could not prove because I trusted her fucking
ass, I was ready.
Well I got it. I got my wife on many occasions pretending to be
kaitlynn, especially when my wife was pissing me off with her abuse or i would
quit talking to her. Or when I made a post on this site she didn’t like. I got
pictures of them all interacting with Daniel and his family, I got video
kaitlynn recorded of her and sierra in their new room together, I got all i
needed. I even got the wife texting kai to not say anything to Gary I was
stalking and harassing her. Funny thing is since thanksgiving. I never
contacted her. Not initially not once. This is the lying bullshit she would
tell everyone. She would be the one hitting me up for fucks sake. I told her
when she was do not build this relationship whatever it may be on one lie. She
lied about being sick, places she wasn’t places she was, her and Daniel and
their relationship status, all of it. It was nothing but a mind fuck. Daniel is
mostly aware of it I’m sure, I wonder if he’s aware of her masturbating on
Skype recording with a time stamped chat box and dates that is sure around the
time they were together though? well if he reads this someday, hit me up. See
what kind of woman you got there. Oh yah she told my you have erectile
dysfunction and you don’t fuck at all. Not like I care or anything, they make
pills and I am sure you have a tongue, so just another lie. That’s even if you
have it with a daughter, sure that works out.
All this time i am begging for my wife to come
around with the truth, I still love her, i still forgive her, but god dammit
this fucking with my heart shit has to stop. The last day I told her about the
phone, she even had kaitlynn call me to say she wasn’t in on it, she was. I got
pictures of them passing the phone off. Yes there both typing, its the only
time they take pics, and kai can’t spell worth shit, my wife can. You can tell
in the screenshots of the text it ain’t kai. Totally different styles of
writing and attitudes. This was all just one big fucking joke to them both, and
that’s ok. Maybe now it’s finally over. She’ll leave me the fuck alone, the
divorce, my legal divorce will go final because i haven’t even been served by
hers yet, but whatever. She won’t sign mine. That’s fine I don’t need that
either. I can’t even stop it right now if I wanted to, it’s all in process.
I uninstalled the virus remotely, it’s no longer
on her phone, but the family base plan app shows texts and calls still. If I do
not see any traffic by the end of April, I’ll disconnect the phone. Keep it, it
done its job. She never called or texted me unless you told her anyway,
remember I got the call logs.
I still even after all this bullshit love and
forgive my wife. I loved her all along for all her lies, all her crazy, all her
bullshit, all of her failures. I can walk away from this and say I love her
more than her most powerful love could ever love me, and with what I am now I
love her more than any man ever could. I can say that by example.
She won’t forgive me for lying about my affairs.
I forgave her for lying about Daniel,
She won’t forgive me
for replacing her with Sarah.
I never replaced her with Sarah, I love you both,
you replaced me with Daniel I forgive you.
She won’t forgive me for the verbal and physical
I forgave her for years on multiple occasion and
she started it.
She won’t forgive me for giving my heart to Sarah I forgive you
for giving it to Daniel
She says she believes in our marital vows and I ruined it Your
bullshit should have ruined mine, they still have not
She said she had tried to be friends,
Fuck her lying ass friendship, it’s worse than
her lying ass as a wife, she was never there for me like I was for her, just
read back the last 10 years the hoops I jumped for her.
She said she’s
leaving me because i broke our contract
She broke her when
she did that couple, even when she sent that video, and
kissed Daniel Here i am still loving still staying
still forgiving till the end.
She said all my
friends hate her.
Well all your friends hate me, but my friends hate because they
know the truth, your friends are morons that follow your bullshit blindly, just
like I did. Or fucking snakes in the grass themselves.
Oh how dare you
clone my daughters phone to find out how bad I was lying and
fucking with your head… This
woman would Snoop through my cell my PC my
email even the admin on site not to mention my drawers, storage
boxes and my wallet. I forgive you.
You left me here in
Texas to fend for myself and you stopped helping me….
I left you in Texas because your kids and you fucked up my
parents, and tanked the plan. I looked after you and helped looked after your
grandparents, I helped your mother, your kids, I even supported the family
while you never lifted a finger to work. You couldn’t even keep your own god
damn house clean. Now you run from me when I am burying and taking care of
mine. You kidding when you say you loved me?
I could go on, her reasons are not because of what I done. It’s
because her love was phony, her vows were phony, her submission was phony. It
will not change, she’ll be whatever she needs to be to survive. It’s who she
is. But she can’t fake it forever, you’ll get yours Daniel. You don’t have the
balls to even walk where I been with her.
So that is my tale, take it for what it is. Just
like the rest of what I have been writing since last December. From here, from
now I close the book. I do not look back, I do not give a shit what she writes,
says or does concerning me. Maybe someday the guilt will rot her from the
inside out just like her mother, maybe it will not. But in all reality, I wish
her all the love joy and happiness she deserves. It has been long overdue for
mine. A genuine loving non abusive family that see’s me for me . What I am, how
special I am, how wonderful i am. Not because of what I do for them, because of
who I am. After this it will be nothing but me and Sarah, I expect my wife to
finally quit reading. Goodbye, I will make it a point after the divorce to
replace you, and rub you the fuck out of my existence forever.
I will not speak your name and everything we
have done I will make sure to make new better memories with Sarah. She deserves
that for all she has put up with me. You will not even be a memory, you will be
what you always feared you would be. One big long giant unwanted mistake. Good
luck with Daniel, do better with him, if you can. You lost more than you will
ever know. I could have made you happy for all your days. I would have. You
lost your soul mate, but the nice thing about that is, I found mine. Thanks for
allowing me to do that.
I certainly am not
who I was, I am all me again, with a touch of Vincent for cover.
I love a hell of lot more than I hate, and now I know how to
practice genuine love, I am a huge fan. It was a fucking shame Sarah has to be
the receiver of it. Despite all your bullshit wife, I was always waiting and
hoping from the day I met you, it would be you. It should have been, you let
your insecurities and your plagued mind, your friends, your back door man, they
all got to you. They all swallowed your lies now you’re in a dream world trying
to back it up. It’s ok, the ones that get curious will find this, and you.
Since you’re so fond of names on your journal,
here’s some you might like too. Oh, and P.S 17 is of consensual age to have sex
in the state of Texas, so ummm, go fuck yourself kam was legal
I was debating to write any of this to you. The
loss of someone so dear, your mother. My father was easier perhaps, we only
knew each other for a short time. Noelle and I were talking about we both
express how we feel through songs, and we both tend to give those expressions
of how we feel about people we care for to them. It’s a personal moment we have
in our head that will make us laugh, cry, even get angry. But it belongs to
that person, it stays with that person. When I first met you, about a year
later this song came out. When i heard it I imagined us much differently around
this time, so I kind of disregarded it. Time has proven me wise to remember it.
I can never express what you mean to me man. There just aren’t the words. At
least, none of mine have any justice to them. So I will place this here for the
day you find it, and maybe we will laugh on it, maybe you will cry in a memory
of me. But here now, I was remembering in this moment, all the good you are,
and all the good you have done for this earth. I love you brother. My
I had this dream tonight, first time I ever had a dream about
the wife since she stated she wanted a divorce last November. I am writing it
down because not only was it vivid, I believe it was symbolic. Also terrifying.
I dreamt we did try
to patch things up, we agreed to move in to my old house on jefferson avenue in
pottstown where my stepfather did all of abuse to me. She was on the computer
at a desk in the living room, I asked her to tell me the truth on what she was
doing the whole time I left texas. She wouldn’t say. Her kids would not say
either. I pulled out a gun and stuck it to my head, she still wouldn’t say. In
the meantime she sent an email to the cops. I took it off my head after she
said she sent the email to the police and i stuck the barrel down her throat. I
her outside. She started screaming for the kids to look for the
cops and I went in the detached garage, I remember wandering inside the garage
and just walking around in circles. I think at this point I dropped the gun.
When I came out I didn’t have it or use it.
The police officer showed up, she was female. Instead of her
arresting me like I thought she was asking tammy to just say what happened. She
kept walking away from the cop or trying to anyway and was screaming leave me
alone for a bit and then she finally just spilled it. She was using men for
money, had them living there paying rent or even just giving her loans for
sexual favors or promises of them. She started rattling off names of people she
mentioned over the years and what she did with them. Nothing else happened
after that, I woke up.
I felt really shaken, different. I felt like I did when I saw
my stepfather in my dream as a child, beating me. I felt used, betrayed, lied
to. I think an old friend is telling me to finish this.