Age 40 and a half part 3- tetelestai.

This will be the last part that covers the entire spectrum, and would not be complete without it. Writing all of this was like the story I read in the bible as a child of Jacob and the angel he wrestled until dawn. Considering what I have written to this point, I would believe now that the angel itself was metaphorical example of his ego, his own inner demon. These writings are my wrestle through the night wdth Vincent, and this chapter, this final chapter shall be its dawn. When I was a child amid all the chaos, there was a time, a very long time my faith was so strong in God, my hope and belief all resided in him. That child was lost in time, Over time he was destroyed by his own faith, but damaged and bruised he was placed in a room and bricked up for safe keeping. This was that child, and whenever I struggle to remember what I was all that long ago, this is the only song I ever loved then and to this day.

How? how did I go from this to what I was? How could I? I think upon all of this looking back it all started with an alignment of storms the sent me out in the abyss, with no protection, no father, no mother, and no love. Age 8 was the abandonment of my dad the entrance of stepfathers abuse, my grandfather dying who was like a father to me, and my mother cut from love due to the birth of my brother. I began searching for a new father, a new mother, protection, guidance and love. People in my life up until age 13 would come and go. Some were father’s some were mother’s some were protectors. Death failure, withdrawal, rejection, all of them would go away. That time and age defines yourself worth, it molds your value, it mold who you are.

Who I was, was not good enough for anyone, so I began to become better by deeds, by amplifying traits of myself, learning crafts and trades, absorbing wisdom wherever I would find it. But the hatred for the damage done was deep. My spirit of the God I had faith in was crushed by an occult following of vengeance destruction, and chaos. Protection came from the darkness, and carried a heavy price. The cost of my very soul. The poisoning of the child written above, the sully of my innocence. Gone forever. My father was replaced by the entity or ego I refer to as Vincent. My mother try as I could never be replaced by any woman. Try as I did, girls never want to mother their men, and then by nurture they control, and control was nothing I ever wanted to have over me


Through the years it was a series of subtle and powerful let downs, Failures of how i thought, felt, reacted, and tried to assimilate into a normal society. Rage ensued and turned to vengeance of women, the world, and the embracing of what gifts I acquired or had all along. That combined with my wisdom made me a powerful ally and an insane person to be intimate with. It wasn’t just insanity though, I still had a heart of me, something inside constantly struggling to get out and repeatedly getting squashed. I was a man trying to do good deeds with the devils tools. What is good is of the light, what is evil is of the darkness. Everything that protected me, loved me, lusted me, used me, abused me over a long course of my life chewed me up and spit me out. It didn’t make me give up, but it sure made me bitter and cynical. Everything was to end, by my hand or another, it was always just a question of who would flinch first.

Very few in my life ever got inside of me, deep. It used to be their testament of life trauma that defined their worth to me. The more they survived, the more valuable I held them, the more I revealed in the hopes of acceptance, understanding, love, and healing. But with each rejection the wound would just get deep and festered further. In retrospect I believe if I had accepted these trials in my life as something meant for a truly greater and divine purpose of the light, my story would be extremely different. But with my rage, rebellion, and revenge infested soul due to the answers never being clearly revealed to me, I rebelled against my creator. In turn i rebelled against all he created, and everything in it. No control of me remember? That’s why I rebelled. That is why my wife’s wants and needs were perceived as control. That is why the anger ensued, and the abuse. I could never be able to truly love with all the bitterness, darkness and hate in my heart. I bricked up the person that could give that, long ago when nobody wanted him.

It was my refusal of belief in the opposite sex, even though my wife was what she was she still cared for me, pampered me, felt inseparable with me, and walked with me to many places nobodies dared to go with me before. We were doing our best, both of us with the knowledge of love we had at the time. I could feel something with my wife, something powerful. It was love, but the man who felt that love and the man who held the family together, supported, protected, and secured was a different man. He would fight the war, and he didn’t want love for it. He wanted to be compensated. My wife would be doing a 2 step for a long lot of years trying to figure that out, believe me I couldn’t either until all of this happened.

Her boys smashed the love I tried to give, then were transferred to Vincent like sacks of shit. This was wrong. Love for a child is not conditional, yet as a stepfather mine was. I never loved them as father should, I never wanted to father

them. I just wanted us to do right by each other, it was to never be except but for kaitlynn. She got every shred of love i had, and even though she was corrected from time to time, she was a child learning and growing. Not in defiance, just in a state of transition between wrong and right. I will never be upset at what she done, or hold anything against her. I still love her very much, and I always will. For now she is in a transition of right and wrong. Lying to me is nothing I will ever be a part of again. She was lucky her heart was never anything sullen or malicious, or she would have taken her place on the row as well. I was truly a bastard for showing them children how not to be a parent, but I have to live with that. Thankfully they do not anymore.

In retrospect I could not understand exactly what happened until now. I thought it was a miracle myself, but it was not. It was me. It was me all along. That night I was giving my .45 a blowjob and paying a wal mart bill, I would have done anything. I knew what happened but I didn’t. Vincent knew what happened. He went to war with my wife for her affections, the same war he fought against anyone else who impeded his will. I remember getting deep into Cody’s ass for stealing from his own family. All along I should have looked at my own ass. You shouldn’t murder your family either. Not for any reason, not under any circumstance. My pain that night was me, that was love. That was my heart, who i bricked up. Vincent killed my wife, I was under a lie she did not want me, I believed my own self doubt, my own bullshit. I believed my worst enemy to be my best friend. Vincent was not love, he was not protection, he was vengeance in it’s most evil fashion. He murdered my wife’s heart for me. If he could not keep it, he would destroy it. So he did. He never even let me try until it was far to late, and she was far too gone.

By the morning (as a biblical metaphor, in real life this took some time. A lot of forward and backward.) I had survived my avenging angel, just me. Through time and strength and the most unbelievable pain I had in my entire life, I had enough. I had enough of me against the world with Vincent, I had enough of being constantly assured I would never be accepted for who I was. I awoke from my sleep with guns blazing, hell bent on saving my marriage, and getting that acceptance, giving what she was begging me for years. This did not come easy, or overnight. I had to sever all ties with an amazing number of things that I used to take the focus off myself and justify all my actions, wrong or right.

With my ego finally at bay, I thought to b vanquished, but every now again he is still trying to convince me I will never be happy without him. I will not survive. So far I think I am doing ok like this. I feel pain yes, all the time. But I also smile, love, feel joy, laugh. I mean I really laugh. I laugh like a dork but I laugh. I smile now in the presence of warmth, sometimes just thinking about warmth. My road was not easy, and is far from over.

It all began with my journal, showing it to Sarah. My wife had no idea of it until months later. I told her what it was for and she suggested to just use it to get all the garbage out me, the pain, baggage I was carrying. See how I feel after. I took her advice, and I am better for it for now. The more I wrote, the better I felt. These events are not who I am, they may not even be exactly how other seen it happen, but that ok, it’s how I viewed it, it was my mind, as sick or as smart as it was, along with the emotions I felt at the time. I began it in a third person sense, such as on old man reading a story he never read. But I began to practice a kind of meditation that would put everything back into my head. The emotions especially. So when I was writing about anything, I was there. I was right there in my body going through all the thoughts, the feelings, even the smells and tastes, and the physical pain. You can actually tell how drastically my disposition changed when i felt betrayed by my wife. It was a night and day reaction.

I had never walked this far away from Vincent in so long, maybe never. With him on the high side of the see saw, I began to understand. I was holding on to this out of vengeance, his vengeance. My heart was sick of the sorrow, I forgave all of it, even him for what I allowed him to do. I should have woke up, I had not the strength at that time, or enough pain to fight my way out. I think in retrospect it was the latter, not the former. All of my fathers are dead, except for Jim, my mother husband. The man became my father years ago, I always loved him. I always respected him, and he was always nothing but there for me. That issue solved itself. It was all thanks to my mother’s faith and eventual hope to be good mother and an amazing wife that made that possible. I guess my mother was also on her own path of finding the good in herself.

  1. was still missing a mother, a mother I begged for in every woman I was with but yet hated them for it at the same time. The difference between power is control versus manipulation. Neither would ever rule over me again. Nurturing however is easily confused for the 2 former, especially by myself. I created my own paradox. I was no longer an introvert, I abused my environment for it. I couldn’t figure it out, so fuck it I’ll destroy it and maybe it can rebuild itself to suit me.

Ego, a powerful thing. But what about my mother now?

As I was seeking her for spiritual guidance and understanding daily, I started to feel better, whether I agreed or not, I could not figure out why. It was because my mother loved me unconditionally, and proved it with all i had told her. I was a horrible bastard of a rotten man, I destroyed my wife, my union, and pissed all over my vows, remember, I was not here to figure out what my wife fucked up, just what I did. I had my share. No doubt. Should a person’s actions condemn them to the abyss? I don’t think so, but then again everyone is not me, and not everyone can love like I do. Nobody can fathom the depth until they hate that deep. It’s just how it is.

I had a mother again, it was my mother. As it always should have been. I love you mom, I love everything you have done for me, and all you continue to do. All that you are and all that you could ever be. Your love for me has finally completed a void in my heart that nothing would fill since I was a child, you read all this you know i tried like hell. I can only hope my brothers give you the exact same chance i did, for hate is the disease that executes our very soul.

What i read of spiritual cleansing is it does exactly what it says. It is a removal of rejection and bitterness. The 2 biggest scars on my heart. These spirits grow, they grow and they retain the power of the previous rejections and become this giant thing that envelopes you. You have to slay it like a fucking dragon, or a Vincent, Bitterness then withers from lack of food and turns to dust. From there the body has the power to heal the mind and soul. I can tell you where it started, and what made me see this through to the end. I will type this out, because I believe it will help a heel of a lot more people than me. the book is called a more excellent way, the author is Henry Wright. My eyes still cry whenever I read this, if you are or have been afflicted, you have been warned, you will too.

Ministry model for a father’s love

How to minister healing to those who were not loved by their fathers

  1. To minister healing, you need a man who is willing to represent god the father and show his love for this person, be sensitive to the holy spirit.
  2. Introduce yourself to the person receiving ministry
  3. Greet the person using his or her name.

-1, as your Christian brother, am going to take responsibility this day for a father would not or could not say, “I love you”

-Will you forgive your father for not telling you he loved you?

– Can you come to the place where you forgive your father for the things he did or did not do? Release your father to God to deal with his issues. Release him and forgive him.

-In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I release you from that pain. We ask the holy Spirit come and heal your broken heart, and when He does, fear that entered when your heart was broken, has to go.

-This day you will hear these words in your heart:

“I love you”

“I am glad you were born”

“I am proud of you”

“You are a good son/daughter”

Great now I can’t see, be right back…

That was it, that’s what made me see it through. That man hit something in me. the more I read the more I felt the shit just go. The more I wrote my trauma and hate out the more I said goodbye to it. My mother love reached me, Sarah’s love and nurturing rebuilt me, Justin’s love reminded me I am a good person, I was just lost for a long time. Don’t get me wrong I am not perfect or angelic by any means. I am just a guy who decided that my love was a thing to be reborn, Not my life in hate, bitterness, lack of forgiveness, and vengeance. Through my heart I have regained control of myself for the most part (it’s still a struggle against my stronger adversaries.)

As I now search for my spiritual roots and where to plant them again, many questions resurface. Does Vincent have a place anymore, I really have nothing more to fight for. My life has become so much easier. I mistake it sometimes for boredom. The ball in my heart that only sex could relieve is gone, I don’t stress near as I used to. With the conquering of my rejection I now realize, what I want does not have to want me too. Someone someday will want me whatever I am whatever I shall become. The best and the worst. Turns out that someone has been Sarah. I almost think she was placed in my life by divine destiny. Somebody was looking out for me that saw this coming long before I even fathomed it possible.

The chaotic and the arcane is something I do not practice and have not since I left the nation, and I am not sure if Christianity will accept my sexuality as I enjoy it very much. I am certainly not rushing to get further when I was with my wife, I just have priorities I need to sort and I certainly do not wish to go backward. I no longer see things as sexy weirdly enough. I see them as beautiful throughout, or sullen and broken. I no longer see myself as a fixer, more like a completion, the last piece of someone’s jigsaw puzzle, maybe hidden under a chair. There are the ones who look for me, and the ones who give up. I have no more use for the quitters. They are shallow, I will not be anymore. I will never quit again.

I have no idea what I am to become from here yet, but I know it will be better than anything I ever was, and if not for all that was done back there, I would have never even bothered to travel. I suppose I should thank everyone for that, but I’m not quite there yet. I’ll settle for a prayer in my thought and a blessing of joy and happiness to all who are still alive, and still lost. For I am still lost, I just now have a brighter light to find my way home.

tetelestai- for those wondering, I’ll save you the google/The word tetelestai was written on business documents or receipts to show that a bill had been paid in full. “It is finished” (Tetelestai) could be interpreted as “Paid in full.” The debt

has been sealed as paid! In the Bible’s Gospel of John 19:30 Jesus utter this last word on the cross, “Tetelestai” (It is Finished).

It is. It is finished. My debt has been paid in full. This is my truth, this is who I was, this is who I am, this where I will go. This is why I am absolved of my past, and will rebuild my future. Even if I go to an early death, I did this right. I did this one thing right. May you all find rage through my despair, and fight for what has been denied to you from birth. Yes, but also know, through all of this, there is still redemption for those who search their own hearts, minds, and souls. You may not go on clean and perfect, but you can go on with love, joy, and warmth.

One of my favorite movies had a quote in it that said, ” If you make a mistake and get all tangled up, you just tango on.” and so i shall. For now, for today, and tomorrow. I can live with that.

Age 40 and a half part 2- Shelter from the storm

My wife said to me on many occasion tell the truth for once. You hide things, you lie about things, why don’t you tell the truth? The answer which I never gave her was because my wife never did either. Two wrongs never made a right this is true, and although I cannot amend what I have done or be forgiven by her for it, I can until the very end of this, not only make a point to be truthful to my wife, but also to Sarah and my family and friends. I made strong bonds with people due to my truth over the years, and my ability to go above and beyond being there for them, guiding, providing, whatever. I have also been able to prove while I write all of this, my wife cannot tell the truth to save her life, our marriage, our love, or what she professes to be love. Since love is forgiveness among many other things, anyone who cannot forgive me does not love me. Anyone that can break destroy or remove that love once placed was never a person I even wanted to have. So as she has seen my truth, as I finally break my silence on her faults, Sarah’s faults, and my own in the 3rd part. I noticed a funny thing. My wife rejecting me, rejecting who I am, rejecting what I am, rejecting how I think, rejecting me and Sarah coming closer.

Whatever she did love was obviously not all of me. Even before she announced what she wanted, I was in no way capable of loving her for all she was, I resented her. But as she removed the things I did like, my love dwindled and removed. I suspect as I removed my financial support, hers did the same. Through my growth I was able to recognize she never really loved me then, we never knew how either of us. As I grow and as I learn, I can now. I can’t blame her for not growing, other than to say life’s choices are so much easier with something new. Either way she does not and cannot love what I am now, I myself am still in love with who she was, but she is not even who she was now. So my wife has died, I have died and been reborn, and she will not even glance at me at this point. I don’t even think we could connect anymore at all. I am in love with a dream I had all my life, I tried to place it in her because she asked to be molded by me. She would not wear it, and although that makes me sad and full of woe and grief, it gives me the acceptance I need to forget it and move on.

The group that Sarah was involved in was what i consider a lighter social BDSM group. A couple of really good admins, and some decent and respectful people. Always a pile of idiots here and there, little of the tar and feather crowd, the usual. So few of us left, you know. D/s is as ancient a practice and follows all the
back to the bible itself and beyond. The suffrage moment, woman’s lib etc.. they have not had equal rights for that long, hell the black man has had more rights for longer if you think about it. 2 generations ago woman’s work was a common word. I know because my grandmother still says it. D/s in its pure form without all the kink and stupid crap you see in pornography and movies, is just what it is on its face. A decision maker, a patriarch, a hand that wills the home. The strength, the provider, the protector, the front line. The submissive is the support and execution of the dominant’s will, realizing that they are as the bible describes the weaker vessel.

By weak this does not mean they are inferior, it means without a supporting role in the relationship, not a leading role, they are not operating to their best potential. This is not the way every relationship should be mind you, this is what some people still accept, still believe, and still practice. It’s as basic a core as any belief, you believe in it because it works, it fulfills your life, it completes you. I have had the joy of running the majority of my relationships in a D/s fashion, Kink or no kink, protocol or not. I told myself a long time ago no one person would ever control me again. For most of my life I was able to stick to that belief, and all of views on any BDSM subject stem from that core. Some are better at leading some are better at following. It’s just the way it is. The way it always was.

However, this yin and yang is a dangerous commitment, should one fail or falter the other half does as well with any union, the scales move out of balance. The biggest problem I have found to do this is jealousy. From outside sources, the sub, even the dom. Sometimes they don’t want to be the first through the door catching bullets, sometimes they are too tired to lead the charge. This is actually where the submissive is more powerful, only she know the magic words, the magic touch, the words to make him want to get up and fight on. She’ll even carry him if she has to. Her whole world is invested in this man, her role is to be the very glue that holds him together, and makes him want to fight on. When a submissive loses her role, it is a much harder loss due to the belief and faith she had in a failing dom. She faults herself for his shortcomings, and blames herself for the lack of ability to correct them. This will lead to suicidal thoughts and bout of depression. Self worth also comes into question. Starting to see why this commitment is so serious and life long? They agree to be symbiotic with each other. It’s an amount of faith and trust immeasurable in most typical relationships. Sharing that point of view can be scary to people, people hate and destroy what they can never acquire or understand. It’s human nature.

When I was responding to Sarah’s post, I was not even talking from my current situation with my wife. It was a terrible example. I spoke in what I was originally spoken to of, the long chats into the night of our nobility, our duty, our pride. We are the saviors of the lost, we are the penance to their pain, we are the lovers of the lost, the damaged, the hopeless. We are the last of the nobility, we are not found, we are not trained, we are chosen. We are chosen by our destiny and path

in life. We can deny what we are or learn to embrace it. Those ones, those ones were the ones she was looking for. Certainly not I, not now, not anymore. I was nothing but a broken down bookcase with old dusty books no one wanted to read anymore. The old man of hot air the kids laugh at and imitate with funny faces. The coot. Kind of took me by surprise when she was following me around after that.

I’d comment she’d either like it, or like and comment on it. Really anywhere I posted. Almost like I had a fan. I had a few here and there, but there was just something more in the way she wrote, a desperation in it. Like a sinking into the mire, and nobody but me noticing. Don’t get me wrong it was well covered up and incredibly hard to spot, but I can tune into the way people say things sometimes, it’s a familiar voice or face I can never place. Like a deja vu’

We audio chatted on facebook and Skype, sort of became casual chat buddies. No sex, no flirting, no picture swapping. Mostly interacted in the group speaking and replying on various subjects. I am not much of a social butterfly, I usually only take on one new face at a time. Wait a while, see if they pass. People usually do when they find out your married or you’re not interested in them. Sarah knew from the rip, I mentioned my wife and submissive on a number of occasions, but never really used us as an example or circumstance. At the time and the way things were, i didn’t have much to share. A few weeks pass, and she’s still around, talked to a few prospective Dom type on fetlife and in the group, nothing panning out much more than your usual wanna-be freak off the leash. I used to always complain about the same shit, I missed my old crew, i really did, I had no idea what this world has become since, corny shallow half baked traditions and modern morals and women ruling it all. Submissive or Dom female, they seem to all talk like they found a way. The modern requirement seems to be turn in your balls to your sub and she’ll lie to everyone about how sub she is and how Dom her man is. Just all wrong.

Kinksters also tend to confuse themselves as a Dom when they are just a top. Throwing a whip at the right angle is not dominance, it’s kink, nothing more. Knowledge on specialty kink? flame cupping say, devices, cutting? Still a top.

Your just a top. Deal with it. Sadly, that is most of what you see. So my wife who was also failing to share that belief got me to thinking, here I am training someone who doesn’t want anything more than kink, Sarah has little to no serious or exotic kink but wants the kind of thing I instill. It was like the chocolate truck crashed into the peanut butter truck. The best part was, she wasn’t looking for anything out of me than what i was willing to give. It just made sense at the time in my head. Granted my head was not in the best place either, I was suffering from loneliness, depression, rejection, loss and abuse. I was a ship battered at sea, with no port of harbor.

Everything I tried to do failed, Friends, my brother, Justin, nothing was pulling me out of this. I kind of accepted my fate at the time. A failure. Nothing more. But just because i failed with what I had did not mean somebody else couldn’t do better with my toolbox. Sarah could be that one. She was passive, she was respectful, she is a nurse. She cares for people with dementia in an old folks home, even a member of her own family. She had a strong mother ethic, extremely domestic. Talked a lot about her family and interacting with all of them. I never had that much interaction with my own. It showed me she believed in the family unit, and the support of it as a whole. Fully independent, and yet incomplete. She has a grown son, a middle daughter, and a young son. Oldest was going to school, the daughter is pretty active in the social circle with friends, and the youngest son is a sensitive addicted to you tube. I’m a bit of a curiosity to him, and oddly from time to time Sarah says he seeks my approval from time to time.

She needed all the work my wife refused to carry on, and I needed something to fight for. I needed to be a reason on this planet other than a payout and old lady taxi driver. She wanted what was in my head, and in what little heart I had left. It was valued, it was correct to someone for once. There was something more to sense in her though. Some kind of armor. It was tough. Like a street tough I have never seen in a woman I had any kind of interest in. All of mine were meek minus my wife, but this was different still. Maybe a standard defense every single mom has with no good man to allow them to be a girl again. It really was as good a fit as it was going to get, someday my wife would need to be taken care of, someday I would have to work anyway, at some point my wife will want me again, I refused to believe she was gone. I refused to believe I was gone. I couldn’t tell you how many time we were together and all anyone had to say was they could tell we loved each other very much. It had to come back. It just had to. She owed me that much at least. Meantime however, maybe I could stall my plans of wiping myself out and pass on something of me to someone who wanted to carry it.

I was the one who presented the idea to Sarah first, she was going to be a permanent fixture I just didn’t know where the line would be. I figured the worst she could say is fuck no fuck off, and that be it. She said yes before i even finished the question, almost like a groupie who got a date with the lead singer of her favorite band. I was pretty taken back, I couldn’t remember the last time anyone was doe eyed in my presence. I was just there. It’s hard for me to say no to that, I hate when the honeymoon phase in the relationship dies. Sad part is it never dies on my end until my partner ends up killing it. I am who i am from the beginning and throughout until I get damaged beyond repair. Up to this point I could never be repaired. No woman as hard as they ever tried ever has. Very few could reach through my walls and touch my heart, or my cinder block room with the me nobody wanted bricked up from the rest of the world. Whenever my wife saw it, she squashed it like a bug.

I then went to my wife and did what I had to do to iron out a contract. Then me

and Sarah went to work. We spent the next week or 2 writing out her rigid schedule, planning time for her schooling, family, me, workshops, essay’s, even books and regular sessions of self pleasure activities. Girls got to be tended to somehow when she doesn’t have a man, or else they forget it’s there I think. Sarah gave up on being a girl, so I thought it be a nice change to get that back together as well. Makeup, dress, I loved doing all this shit with my wife, it was fun with her too. Something started to happen to me, I began to smile again. I even laughed a time or 2. She was actually funny, she was interesting, she had stories. She had quite a life. She listened to me, even asked deeper into me. She wanted to know me too, not just the D/s stuff. So I began to talk to her, sometimes way too much, but it was so long since I spoke to anyone and we gelled. Not since me and Justin. We were on a level with each other, we both knew what it was like to be around people who used us. We both had our hearts broke, we both had independent strength, we were also both abusers at points in our lives. We both needed an absolution from that I think in retrospect.

We saw the value to each other, we found each other special. Sarah was one of a kind in her own right, just like my wife. Both very different, it really amazed me how well they would have complimented each other. As a prospect she was also officially in the dynamic, but not in a sexual fashion. The wife wanted that to be strictly separated, I had no problem with that. I never even saw what Sarah looked like until I had to present the idea to my wife, I figured she would want a picture at least. I did think once a week at least a meet would be in order to see if they could get any closer or all of us as a whole. This is where it started to get bad. I would spend the whole week selling my wife and how great we were to Sarah, then Friday would come and my wife would have an attitude or start throwing a fit. Arguing with me over shit that Sarah should have never even heard. It seemed like my wife was trying to make it look like she was in control of me. Of course this raised questions in Sarah.

She would ask me, at first I tried to defend my wife, she’s just having a bad day, she’s got some issues, we’re going through a lot right now, the usual thing the abused say so they are not embarrassed for staying in the kind of relationship they have. By this time she was introduced to Justin, and Justin started hearing the stories too. He really had enough of the wife shit over the years, so he started in me, then Sarah would tell me what I heard for years, the wife is going to destroy you if you stay with her. I was the usual reply of she’s my wife, she’s what I married, better or worse, even though it worse right now, it has to get better. It became Sarah’s main interest to figure out why I was with my wife, and why I endured all she put me through. I told her all the shit I did, I hit her sometimes we fought, I get angry a lot, I would be verbal degrading nightmare, I would build her and tear her down. We hid things from each other, the more I talked the more she asked, the worse it got. I just couldn’t hide it anymore, she was too close. She knew what was going on, and she stayed.

As the wife spiraled down and after every fight she had with me, Sarah would be there. She listened, she never judged. She never spoke ill of my wife, I would not tolerate it. That was untouchable, she was her domina, like it or not. If she wanted me she had to take my wife, no exceptions. The more she stayed, the higher she lifted me, the stronger I became, the worse my wife got. She did not want her husband being a Dom to her again. She worked long and hard to brainwash me into thinking how wrong I was in what I believed. It’s ok, she didn’t believe it because I guess she figured if she couldn’t follow me, no one would. Once she found out Sarah would, it became her goal to tear us apart. Putting not only her collar, but our entire marriage on the line. The bigger the defiance, the less I wanted to be around her. She was pushing herself away in anger. She had to look at someone who was getting kudos, adoration, praise, and pride from a man she wanted it from. She wanted me to give it to her, like her collar, like her hand in marriage, why work for it when you can throw temper tantrums till you get it to shut up? Sarah was earning it, workshop by workshop, picture after picture, she kept her house in order, her kids with time, her schooling, her job, her D/s. I was really proud of her, like a sponge or a duck in water.

After my wife left me i honestly did not know what to expect, I figured Sarah would go. Without her it was just me, and like my wife thought me garbage I assumed she would too. She however, did not. The night I first went up to see her I called, she was at work. I said i don’t have anywhere to go and she invited me up to thanksgiving with her family. I was not in the mood or any condition for a family meet but if she could make me smile through a pc, I had to wonder what she could do in person. If i was going to lose, I was going to lose big. All or nothing. It was a slow painful trip up there that is for sure. I felt so empty, so cold. I was exhausted and shot full of tears. But I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t stop shaking. We were speaking on the phone to each other for around 10 min before I pulled in. It was freezing up there, she was waiting on the porch. From the looks of her probably a lot longer than 10 minutes. I saw her in my mirror walking across the street to me. She came out to me, just wow she came out to me. I met her at the back of my van, I wasn’t quite what i was going to do till she got about 2 feet in front of and in a millisecond I knew through the depths of my very heart she was not only straight up the whole way from the rip in honesty, she was smiling at me. Smiling at me. I kissed her with a kiss that shook the ground we stood on.

I felt life, I felt a heart, beating like I never had in years. I felt a warmth in the winter like a sunshine on a beach in the morning with a cool breeze on you. It was right then i knew not only did I love this woman, I could bond to this woman. It was right then, right there, I knew she was a keeper. The first night we discussed a few things, mainly the D/s dynamic. I explained that we need to redefine what we are now. She was no longer kept in a certain place or position, no longer would a line be drawn, no longer did my wife have any kind of say on what we do, she has moved on. If we are actually going to have a solid partnership, the only way it’s done is the bottom up. We need to just be together for now, see how we do. Go from there. She agreed and all protocol was laid to the side. I was me, she was her. I spent the first night getting hammered and crying, with Sarah comforting me the whole way, because she knew how much I loved my wife, she knew who she was to be, she knew she would have to shoulder this grief with me, the grief of a broken, regret filled man. No other woman i ever had including my wife would ever make a choice like that. To love one and carry a broken heart by another. It was the strangest feeling I ever had.

I was a different man getting out of that van. After that night of suicide attempts and wal mart shopping for her man I was different. I had all these emotions back I didn’t know what to do with. I could feel again. All of them rushing around. I felt the love and loss of my wife again, it was a powerful feeling. My love for Sarah was skin deep before that night, it was logical, it was a deep respect and an adoration for how she respected and treated me. After that night right when i got out of the van to meet her, That kiss I truly felt, fell, and had an emotional and soul binding love for this woman. No bullshit, not this time.

Thanksgiving day with her family was an extremely nervous experience. Her family knew I was married, they knew Sarah was a part of this poly, they were not informed yet my wife left me for another man. I had no idea what they would think of me. Strange how well received i was. Her family is a load of nice people.

It was so long since I watched a woman just be a woman. Parking all the food brought, getting the men to get tables and chairs, setting things up, cooking, chasing tons of kids. All in love, no screaming just smiles and laughs. Reminded me of my family when we were on bridge street. I didn’t feel home, but this was defiantly the best place to be for me from the cold and the storm outside in the world. I could rest here, and I did. First time in a long time I spent most of my time drunk or high, Sarah would try to slow me down, but even she knew it wasn’t happening. Sometimes it’s all you have to kill the pain, and I refused to mope around while my wife was laughing in the isles at the damage done to me.

She was extremely comforting and consoling, nurturing. She really didn’t have to be, in fact I still do not know of any woman who would be. She prayed for me, she showed my all her bags of stones, some were for me, some were for my wife and her prayer of her approval, some were for all of us. I built an appreciation for a woman of spiritual faith, my wife never prayed for a fucking thing ever. I never even seen her struggle to grow spiritually. Even though we believed differently, just the fact she believed and was willing to share that belief with me was totally new. The next night as I waited on her windowsill, smoking and staring at my phone. I thought maybe, just maybe I would get a call. Maybe she would change her mind, Maybe. I would have left then and there to get her, truly. Not because me and Sarah were doing so bad or anything, but because first and foremost she was my wife, and she had a lot of confusion about me and Sarah. Sometimes she would say the meanest shit and when she calmed down, started thinking

rationally she would miss me, come back. But not this time, this time she spent our anniversary in another man’s arms, and so did I. Shelter from the storm.

The wife comes in and starts blowing up my phone with her bullshit, the drinking got rid of most of that, my days with Sarah were walking by her and just hugging, holding, just hours of hold me so tight so I do not fall, her smiling response was easy to read. I will carry this man, I will carry this man because he is worth it. I was worth it. Not my wallet, not my deeds, not my sacrifice. Me as I was broken hearted and piss drunk with sadness. I was worth it.

The wife gave me the chance to go home and work it out, I took it. She was my wife, divorce or not, back door man or not, liar or not, she was my wife. I was a servant to that vow. In all our times of hardship it seemed some days the only thing I hung on to. She could have just hinted to wanting to work this out and I would have done anything to go home to my wife. I would have drove straight to Texas. All she had to do was take one look at my face in real life, she would have known. When I contacted Sarah and told her to back off until we sort this, it may not be now, tomorrow or ever I could have her back but my wife comes first, Sarah always knew that. No matter who she was or how she acted, my wife came first. She agreed with a heavy heart and for a day I began to work something new with my wife. Just me, no bullshit. I spoke to her in forgiveness, my sorrow and guilt, love and adoration. I was not going to fuck this up, whatever she wanted. I was even willing to back out of D/s and drop anyone she never liked for any reason, even if it was bullshit. I began to realize nothing was worth losing her, not even my respect or pride. I should have fought back over shit so stupid. I should have valued the marriage for what it was, priceless.

After the betrayal yet again I just had to accept it was over, and go on. She didn’t want me, Sarah still did. So naturally me and Sarah grew much closer over time. She has faithfully slept with me together or apart by phone or in bed, every day since this. After all that happened I could not sleep alone. I would see images of my wife, the pain of the loss, anxiety and panic would get in me, But hearing her breathe even on the phone would calm me, it give me something warm to focus on, and we would talk deep into the night. I went up again for a few days in mid December, the wife would send me texts full of hate and foul. Sometimes I would respond sometimes not. Sometimes I just got so pissed I fired back with the ugliest shit that ever came out of my mouth. But she was supposed to be fucking gone, it’s what she wanted. Just fucking go then. Why make all this bullshit trouble? She’d send me text on her cell, on her texting online accounts, it was just so silly. She would not speak to me or see me, I thought it was because she was scared I’d convince her to change her mind, but it was because Daniel was unpacking and settling in.

So for this trip[ the best day was when I went with her family and we picked out a

Christmas tree, cut it down and went back to her place with a couple of pizzas. New York? pizza is bad ass forget about it! We were right by Woodstock to, home of bob Dylan. The Catskills are just gorgeous, the woods are pretty, and the creeks are everywhere, even one behind Sarah’s house. I love being near water, it soothes me. It always did, even in England. Her family was so nice, I really liked these people, they treated me with respect, curiosity, and fair. More than fair. I went home with a plan to come back soon for Christmas, I still had my grandmother to look after and a bunch of jobs to do in between so at least I was going to stay busy.

The third trip was amazing despite it all. I just had no one to talk to but Sarah, she read and listened to everything that was happening. I kept no secrets, I said no lies about I felt. I love my wife, I forgive my wife, and if there was a way to put it back together I would in a heartbeat. Christmas was a prime example of that. Here I was with Justin and Sarah her whole family and I’m spending most of my days talking to kaitlynn and begging the wife for forgiveness and understanding. She was very abusive, I had to go in a room or a quit place to cry here and there, I stayed fucked up most of the time so it wasn’t too hard, and with my family around I certainly did not feel overwhelmed. It was good to have Justin there.

All things have a shoe to drop, a new something or other, a part people tend to hide when they can. This was to be no perfect story. Nothing ever is. We were all drinking one night and playing a game, the wife was blowing up the phone as usual and well, she’s my wife I had to respond. Even if it was nasty i was still trying to be her husband, just give her some peace, a happy heart, the ability to move on , or come back, whatever she wanted. I would have done anything but what she did to me, force me to sit in the middle of her chaos, abuse, and indecision. Sarah was getting fed up with it. She was getting angry and the drinking didn’t help much. At this point she hated my wife and wanted to kill her. Out of respect for me, she usually bit her tongue, but not tonight. A card in the game came up as a truth question, the question was had I ever thought about an ex while having sex with another person, Sarah answered yes for me right away, what a surprise my wife thought the same fucked up shit. I didn’t get mad, didn’t bitch, i just left the table and went upstairs.

Sarah comes up and throws herself at my feet, begging me for forgiveness of what she said, I was surprised, she hates feet and finds them disgusting. Not mine apparently. Kind of a shame though, I give one hell of a foot massage. It was there i told her i gave my wife a hundred the night i was going to shoot myself. She lost it, like bad. She went out screaming and was downstairs yelling extremely loud and aggressive. Way to much to drink. We all did. I stumbled out to the van. That was usually my first reflex, Something was going to get thrown at me or I was getting hit, run. She came out and screamed at me on the street started throwing all my shit in the van. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was in old me mode. I had to think, what did I used to do? I used to believe in the power of my love, and the

genuine truth of the love from my partner. Love is forgiveness, I need to forgive her, I need to understand her pain, her sorrow, I need to embrace it, and I need to let her know that I value our relationship more than anything, more than a petty squabble. I trusted in her having the same feelings.

I held her face I looked her into my eyes, and I said I am sorry I do not want to leave, if you really believe in what we are then let’s fix this. It worked, we did. Not a punch thrown by me, not an object hurled by me, no pushing no yelling no cursing, and it was not forced. It was natural. That was the first night i really new, I was different. Sarah got way to loud, way to vulgar, and busted a shot glass. I wasn’t anywhere near her though, and i could understand. She was taking on more than any woman would for any man, let alone a bum like me. I then also knew if I could do this with Sarah, I could do this with my wife. It’s what i should have stayed doing all along. Damn my pride. Damn my ego. The next day was her at work and me cleaning her whole house top to bottom, even did her laundry. Justin was so in the bag he couldn’t move, Hell I worked on a hangover before, its what men do you know. She came home with a look of awe I ain’t never seen on a woman, especially at me. No man ever done anything like that for her before. Me? hell it was nothing. My wife would get pissed when i cleaned and yank shit out of my hand and yell at me to sit down while she’s scrubbing and bitching away. I mean why bother if it’s like that? but no never a thank you, just i didn’t have to do that. I know i didn’t so thank me for helping you. Try that shit.

The rest of the week was shaky, Sarah was reaching her limit with the wife and the texts, Justin was telling me to make a choice. At this point I was in the position if Sarah is forcing my choice she is no better than my wife. I was not going out of the frying pan into the fire. I would rather stick to plan a and just end it. If she wanted me she would to endure this. My wife was undecided, claiming she was single and Daniel was just a friend she was sick for months and living with her kids struggling. If Daniel promised to take care of her and dropped her, what a fucking loser he was. Shit gets hot and he hauls ass huh? Great guy. wonderful. My wife had a choice anytime to say the words the entire time i was there, all she was trying to do was convince me to go home early. I told her if she pulled her divorce, I’d know she was serious. She gamed with me to much to this point. She never did, I stayed till it was time to go.

Leaving was a little shaky, bitter sweet. I knew Sarah had some serious anger issues to work on, but I felt she would pull through it. She carried me this far, I did not think she would let that get in the way, and for a while she didn’t. Justin has his puddle jumper cancelled on him twice, I ended up driving him to Philly. I had to hold back some major tears seeing my wife in the lavender dress in the window, walking down the steps. Like a dream. Talking to kaitlynn at the same time really didn’t help emotionally, I just wanted to fall apart. But I held it together and made it home.

By January I felt comfortable enough we could love who each other was, with or without D/s so I prospected her again, this time without anything of my wife injected into it. We rewrote all of our agreements and even changed a few to suit each of us better as we were growing. I took her to her first high end salon, even got her a makeup class. A girl needs to be a girl once in a bit, if she was going to be with me she would be more than presentable, just what i expect from all my submissives. She had an amazing makeover, and seeing her done up just melted my heart. She was gorgeous. Over time she changed a few things per my direction, altered her demeanor, her speech, her habits, her attitude. As i was discovering and changing in my journey, I also saw her following in most areas. The biggest change I made was the thank yous. Instead of thank you I preferred her to say i am happy, or you make me so happy. Never in 10 years had i ever heard either. It was a nice change.

The long distance or LDR was also ironed out. We started to have a more serious sex life whether i was there or home here. She has quite an intense libido, It’s been hard to keep our hands off of each other. I love getting my back scratched, due to my shoulders I have been able to in months. She adores me, and man I love being adored. Just makes me want to do more in return, as it should be in all relationships , I would think. She also curbed her drinking considerably, probably to combat the temper. I told her she was covering a symptom, not the problem.

It was at this time I began my serious devotion to the restoration of myself, and the possible repair of my marriage. I told Sarah I needed the time, I told her to let me go and keep to her schedule. If she wanted to wait it was up to her, but I had no idea how long this was going to take, maybe never. I had to try. So as I cut everyone off including Sarah, I began to focus on my issues and what I did to destroy my marriage. Sarah held true to her orders, day in and day out. My wife wasn’t concerned with anything but being friends, and lying about her status with Daniel. She managed to tell me at one point thank god we would never be husband and wife again. I understood, cried, wished her all the best and left it alone. I didn’t want her as a friend, not after all her games and lies. If she was to be my wife were going to commit to being honest with other, no more secrets, no more lies and we were going to never be apart again, i would see to that no matter what it took. Never apart again.

After a few days I realized there was no point in leaving Sarah out, who gave a fuck what my wife thought, she was leaving, she wanted to be nothing to me. Her opinion was moot. So by the early of February I made another trip, again the wife blowing up my phone when she found out where I was. But this time she was different, she was talking a possible poly again. She was confused she said undecided. I would have to wait a decision. My wife said Sarah would never go for

it, I had faith in it. Sarah came into all this with my wife, She knew how i felt about my love for her and my forgiveness, growth and possible restoration I would have given anything up for. If this was possible, this was going to be right. Whatever it took. Sarah collapsed, she lost it. I guess she thought it was over, hell even I did. But with this from my wife I couldn’t say fuck you too bad, I loved her very much.

I emailed my wife the news she was right, and I was heartbroken to believe that Sarah was less than what she claimed she was. Of course my wife was happy to lay into Sarah over this, and in return for me breaking Sarah’s trust she withdrew her submission, made me delete all I had done with her, schedules, rules, all of it. It was over. I was as fine as i could be with that, I would not be in another relationship of lies. Sarah mended it with a few days later, but I never took her submission back since. I needed her to prove to me she would follow me into hell, or be nothing. I would no longer take a submission for anything less than my will executed in full, whether it’s wrong or right, whether you like it or not. Sarah had a long way to prove that shit after this last episode.

Over time the wife tried to convince me she was closer to me, but since kaitlynn had her phone cloned I already knew better. I started to get the picture. She was using me to fill a void she had, she was in with Daniel, his family, her new friends through her son and Daniel. She wasn’t dropping all that new attention and everything she needed. She was just trying to convince me to stay in her life to some agreeable point, even sexually if she had to. She just wanted me to stay around, nothing more. Didn’t mean she wouldn’t lie through her teeth to convince me though, man she did.

My next trip up was valentine’s day. We had a great night, but the error that was done on both our parts loomed a bit. We still put it aside and I had one of the best nights on valentines I did in years. For the first time in ten years, my wife would be somewhere else and so was I. It was at that point, that night between all her lies and my night with Sarah, my feelings for my wife began to fade into the acceptance of the finality. I still had hope she would change, I still remained as sweet as i could to her ignorant ass, even when she wouldn’t answer me for hours, and like usual never spent any serious time with me, this was just worse. I knew every day, it was a fucking lie. This time I knew it though, I finally had the proof.

Sarah worked diligently on herself, she got aligned and began to follow my lead on all aspects, whether she wanted to or not, Even when she didn’t she never made it a point to indicate that to me unless I asked. I was extremely impressed. Even when my wife was complaining still on Sarah writing things on her fetlife profile and facebook. The pictures I posted of us together, she took all of it down just like I did, because I asked her to. Not even under a collar, I am so proud of her. My wife since had repeatedly talked shit on facebook, public and private.

even texted Sarah ugly. Sarah has responded with respect, because I told her to. She keeps her thoughts, written opinions, and what she physically wants to do to her out of my mind. She follows my will, That is submission.

February was us growing even with growing pains, temper on her would flare, but I would remain understand, I would not fight back. I would not get defensive, I would remain calm. If I am truly different, I have to prove it in every aspect of my life, with everyone. Sarah was no exception. As she learns, she grows to. She is again growing with me. But that’s what a great relationship is. Growing with each other, understanding each other, loving each other. The rest just does not belong. Prayer, reading, support, faith, belief, and the realization That my thought process was so fucking wrong with my wife. The guilt and absolution of all of that is still taking a lot of time. Sarah hears everything I think, everything I feel, and everything point my wife and I were at. I would not have relationship of lies again. Always with an ear, always with an opinion on me, not my wife unless I asked. I would share my spiritual growth with her, my confusion, everything. All acknowledged, all accepted, always standing by me, always proud of me. She was happy, and I was special.

Until it was over with my wife, all this was good at the time, for if my wife would have wanted it, I would have to let Sarah go. My covenant above all else was the most important thing I ever gave to anyone. I knew my wife would never come back or really want to short of a miracle, she would never make herself an ass in her current social circle. She was in too deep. I would tell Sarah to have faith in our destiny. If she truly believes i am the one for her, forever no matter what. She should never lose faith in our relationship. Even my wife wouldn’t tear it apart. Lord know she was trying like hell. The wife had more to prove than Sarah did at this point, and her bullshit was getting too much even for me.

Here I was in a relationship full of truth, love, and honesty and a wife full of lies and games and deceit. My hernia operation was coming, and Sarah volunteered to tend to me while i was sick, she had some vacation time, and her kids have active fathers so she left them with dad and came up. The wife didn’t like it, but she wasn’t coming either. I got a text every now again not even asking much on how I’m doing, mostly digs at Sarah and insults. Figures. Sarah as usual came through incredibly well. She truly is an amazing woman.

So at some point in march, my wife down to nothing but short sentences and verbal abuse, so here I am slipping back into the same shit and responding to her the way she talks to me. Then she throws a fucking fit about how I’m talking to her and I just let her have it. I told her about the phone and her bullshit and what I knew was going on. What’s she do? she tells all her friends I’m a sick pedophile recording my stepdaughter dressing. That was it, that’s final. If she thinks of me like that, so horrible, so sick, so capable of being a pedophile? fucking get the fuck

out of my life. I could never be on any kind of relationship level with anybody who even accuses me of that shit. Sick of the games, sick of the abuse, sick of the lies, sick of the indecision. She should have stayed gone in November, but she just didn’t think she hurt me enough yet for all the lies she made up about me. All used, all a game, and the same old broken record of being a cheater. She was cheating to, I mean what the fuck? She never even acknowledged or owned up to anything she ever did to me. to this day she still lies through her teeth about anything she did. She always has some stupid excuse or perception for it. Listen to what she says, you can almost smell the bullshit. She is not a good liar, but she can manipulate into thinking anything’s possible, it’s just who she is.

As the divorce draws to its close and finality, we are now discussing the future together in life, and what we want to do with each other for the rest of our years. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s serious, but what it is, is full of love, hope, and faith. Something I have not had all 3 of in a very long time. My decision with Sarah never produced everything I wanted, but it gave me what I needed. My goal was and always has been a poly dynamic being the next logical step due to my wife’s lack of improvement, and my own as well. She was not ready for anything of that sort, I felt she could have been. Sarah however is, and I look forward to our future and possibly exploring the option. Sarah was never meant to fill the entire void, just plug the holes. But she says she can, time will tell.

My wife told me once I was begging her back because the grass wasn’t greener on the other side, She could not have been any more wrong. I make love now, I have no D/s in practice, I am calm, I am at peace with all of this finally and accept it for what it is. My wife never knew what she had, and couldn’t fathom what to do with it. Sarah not only knows what she has, she fights to keep it. I really have no idea where we are going to go from here, but she is more than ready for anything. I have dreams of swing dancing, of living together soon, maybe a D/s dynamic. Getting involved in the community again, and molding a beautiful piece of wet clay to my will and desires. Before I proceed however, I have to finish my personal growth. I have to be sure my wife is cleansed from me. I will not carry anything of my baggage with her, or my faults from my previous into this one. This will not fail, because I will do this with light and love, not Vincent and bitterness. Not hate. Love and understanding. The fight for the value of what we are and how rare it really is.

Until now I would have accepted my wife back with open arms, putting all of this down and fighting again for her heart. Her love, her forgiveness. I just have to accept my defeat with her and go on. But until the pain of her is out of me, and my visions of her no longer torment me, I must hold my advance, and Sarah will wait by my side, because I am worth it to her. In retrospect looking how both behaved, yes. She is worth it. She always was. You keep someone that comes back to you. No one ever has for me except my wife a very long time ago. All along I realize that was the woman I loved, the woman I married. She is dead, whether I

killed it or not, she should have never died. Mine never did. At the same time however, I will not do something as stupid as to search for something that just is not there ever again. It’s too painful.

devineserene says:

April 14. 2017 at 3:40 pm

Marriage is supposed to a bond greater than a single life. It is vows taken to combine two people in loving matrimony, promises made to stay together through the good weather and the storms. To grow and change together, not as separate entities. Marriage is built on trust, faith, and respect without any of these it will crumble and fall apart. I speak on this out of experience as my marriage fell apart over 15 years ago. I was in it whole heartedly and despite my every effort, it ended anyways. As I have read these words several times and I am a witness to the growth of Sir, I can now look back and see why and where mine went wrong, and why he fought so hard for his to remain. For this I thank you Sir.

Moving on without the one you have invested so much time with, one that did not choose to grow with you, is the hardest experience to transition to. It is hard to put the past where it belongs and carry on as if years have not been wasted. The thoughts of not finding someone that will compete you is almost unbearable at times. I can only be grateful that I was enabled the chance to help with this transition period. A time where there are suicidal thoughts, extreme bouts of depression, and questions about ones self and the ability to love another, ever again!

I have personally had a chance to watch and see Sir go through many stages during a time of misery. I have seen him sad and broken. I have seen him lost and angry. Sir has also been full of questions that may never have truthful answers.

He has now become a much different man. He is happy, well as happy as he can be at the moment. He smiles a lot lately. He has always had an undeniable hope within him. I could see it from the first time I looked in his eyes. A hope so great, it inspired me to get to know him better. Sir still has this unbreakable hope to this day, and this to me is courage. He also has a remarkable love. A love that was well hidden when I met him, I wanted so bad to uncover it. Despite his marriage I was hoping to come in and uncover his love so this would grow between the 3 of us. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Sir was able to allow his love to be free only one was receptive and the other, well you read the words.

The admiration I have for this man is beyond anything I have ever felt. His change and ability to act and think differently astounds me. I am so proud of his every decision even if I couldn’t see where it was going at first. Even when I was at my most weakest point and scared to death, Sir was always there for me. Just as he is now, never leaving me to my own destruction. My thoughts can get carried away at times. He is such an amazing man it bothers me that some do not see this. Not everything is perfect, which it does not have to be. Sir always has the best intentions at heart and when he strays away from that concept, it is only due to someone pushing him to the point of no return.

Although it has only been 6 months since I have been with my soul mate, Sir has taught me so much. About life, love, and myself as well. I cannot thank him enough for all of this. What I can do is say, “I am happy”. I will love you and cherish you for the rest of our days together. I will honor you by showing all that comes into our lives, they are welcomed and in a safe environment. I can adore and care for you with every breath I take. And I without a doubt in my mind and without a second thought in my soul, will never use, abuse, or manipulate you in any fashion. You are my savior, you are the air I breathe, you are my one true soul mate. Our bond and relationship will always be first and foremost even in upset times. I am proud and happy to have been with you throughout this entire

experience. I am happy!!

Age 40 and a half part 1. Dear lover.

For the last 6 days I began to write this story, Writing all the lies and discrepancies I caught my wife in finally because I finally began to save screenshots, copy texts, and from monitoring kaitlynn’s cell phone. It was to be terrible tale of manipulation, lies, abuse, deception in the worst way, and heartbreak in an unimaginable fashion I have to repair from, along with the proof of it. Paragraph after paragraph, screenshot after screenshot. The worst things I ever conceived in my mind were true, and the worst I had ever done to expose the truth finally, I had to stoop to her level. After I got through all the rage from again another betrayal from my wife to add to the 4 or 5 she had under her belt already, I erased it all, this is not a tale of my wife. This is not to destroy anything of who she is, or how she operates. She will have to answer for her own and her own karma or judgment or goddess retribution, however you want to go. I am well versed in spiritual sickness now, I am well aware of why my wife ails, and what ailed me. This is about me, this is not a tale of woe. This is to be a tale of victory, of triumph. Of growth, and change. I may not have much longer to live, but I want everyone who ever knew me to know, good or bad. This was me, this is how I thought, this is truth.

I will write this in 3 separate stories, because the situations as I have always stated were of separate place in my heart, and the growth and feeling and closure of each will not do each other justice. I have to close the book on the first, and open the new book on the second.

I remember asking my wife for help yet again, I needed more support, more time, more of her. She just either didn’t have any more or refused to give any. She would constantly question my directions and motives because she never understood me. I think because she was naturally selfish and self centered she must have believed at this point I didn’t give a shit about anybody but myself. Truth is the only time I do start giving a shit about myself is because I am out of gas. I was losing strength to carry on. I actually got a point one night where again my wife was threatening to kill herself and I pulled out my pistol and said fuck it lets go together. She changed her mind. Pity, had I know what was coming i wish we would have.

My mind eroded, grasping at straws, I become a downward spiral in this lie my wife was painting for me. She was a true submissive to me, she belonged to me, I could count on her. The questions long plagued my mind. If I were to do to her what she has done to me over the years, would she still be here? I never wanted the answer to that. I stuck my head in the sand and lived with a lie every day, just

like all the others. I just managed to keep life in this one a little longer. I had to find something to keep my mind off of my wife steadily abandoning me. It was just making me so pissed when I finally talked to her I didn’t want to anymore. Did she really think I couldn’t feel her pulling away? Probably not. She always thought because i let her abuse my trust and she would just give me the biggest bullshit story on the planet about all her deeds, I ate it up because i was moron. I ate it because i love her more than i have ever loved anybody my entire life. Never as hard, never as deep , never as crazy or intense. I truly had all of me in it. Even if I didn’t believe it at the time.

I eventually decided to become involved in a few of the BDSM groups on facebook, I was not very well received in the first one. I tend to be opinionated and extremely direct. This was working out quite well, I started to feel like I was at least contributing some knowledge somewhere to someone, I had a few chats with people here and there, turned out to be very fulfilling, especially with the long days home along try wait for my shoulder injuries to heal to the point I could start working again. I was very much looking forward to my wife’s arrival in November. I would brag about her good points, even showed off a few pictures of her. I was still proud of what little I had at the time, for it was all I had.

It was then on a particular post response I got a personal message from the member I answered, her name is Sarah. She was looking for people to connect with that had a genuine Dominance in them, and was looking to acquire a knowledge more than what was typically posted, usually just kink. I messaged her back personally and we chatted a bit for a week or so. Audio on Skype, no pictures or video at this point, I wasn’t looking for that. But just as I done in the nation so long ago, I began to think I could bring her into the fold. The wife was defiantly bust elsewhere and again, she said needed time to return to her former glory in her words from march. So I begin to think maybe I could wing this woman, keep busy, build myself back up, validate myself again. I felt I failed to break or train my wife, I wonder if I even had it in me anymore? Here I was doing all this talking, and no walking. I asked Sarah if she minded this option and if she would wait for me to present it to my wife. She said yes.

So when I posed this to the wife I did not mention I had anyone in mind, because i knew she would destroy her first, and junk the concept. She seemed all to happy for me to sit alone at home waiting for her. Miserable. I don’t even think she noticed my pain, or my suffering at the loss of her. She spent to much time yelling and complaining. My mentality was this, my wife was estranged from me, I could think of a hundred reasons why, why not take on a project, get female companionship, maybe even rebuild myself, strengthen my energy reserves.

When my wife decided to return to her former glory, we could be waiting, hell maybe she could even help her. It would spare an affair, and Sarah seemed more than happy to contribute to the dynamic in any way she could. Sarah also mentioned how much respect she would have for my wife for allowing her to do this. I knew it would take a contract, and I knew it would have to be totally up to my wife, but once it was in I was to follow it. The rest was in my control, and i thought that would be more than fair.

The wife agrees, not knowing I had someone in mind already, and we draw out the contract. This would more than work, it would be something I could do to fill the empty space, fill up the void. Just until she came back, maybe even longer if my wife would get to like the idea. I also thought this would build her trust in me again, she never would have to accuse me of being somewhere and fucking around, she would know where I was and what i was doing. To her that was everything. We could all be happy here.

I couldn’t have been any more wrong. After the first week or 2 she began to erode, she would get snide and make jealous comments. She would hear things she didn’t say, read things that were taken the wrong way etc… It just was not in Sarah’s nature, but the wife believed otherwise. Around this time I became admin of a slave group and the fact that Sarah wanted to be a trained slave only made my wife more mad. A submissive has a lot more say and free will, a slave has no free will. My wife was well aware this is what I preferred. So her position became jeopardized in her mind. She began to get grossly out of line with her disrespect, she began to assume me and Sarah had more time together, and all of a sudden my wife began to have all kinds of free time again. I think she realized she pushed me too far away, and was losing her control. Instead when my wife was mad, or in a bad mood, I wouldn’t take any shit anymore, I just left her and spent time with Sarah, Not outside of the schedule or contract, but just spending time with Sarah really lifted my spirits. She would smile when I came on, she got along great with Justin, she fit in like a glove. Except of course, with my wife.

The more Sarah was learning, the better she got. My wife was noticing Sarah was superseding her, for my wife was hardly a domestic except on the internet, had no emotional support whatsoever, she did however have a sexual advantage to knowing my wants and needs and supplying them and that solidified her status. I guess she did not feel it was enough, she began to demand Sarah be removed per her right to our contract, I refused. I refused because I could not train my wife and have the strength to punish her correctly without Sarah. My wife could always make me buckle in a decision, with Sarah she could not. My wife began to spin out of control with wild accusation of sarah’s intentions and was literally looking for anything to discredit her or to twist into disrespect to my wife. It’s at this point I believe she was presenting her twisted side of the story to various people until she got the answer she wanted to hear.

The first major incident of disrespect was a group meeting and she was in a terrible mood. She ruined the evening with it like she was always good at and I told her to go. I was going to release her from service but she again begged for me

to think of something so she could make up for it. After all this time I was running out of things to think of. She offered to cut, I said no. I knew she was going to do something to herself, so I just told her to brand an R on her ass for respect. I figured sitting on it for a few weeks would do the trick and she could fall in line again. Just be sweet and respectful to me, don’t act like you were always there for me and i pushed my wife away, it was not like that. She pushed me away since I told her to get a fucking job for once and I wasn’t paying her anymore. When Sarah started to work out, she suddenly freed up all this time and tried to come back in with an iron fist and boot Sarah to reclaim her property so she could drift away again. No. Not this time, I was not having it.

She was my submissive, I was not hers. She was going to learn that or go. I had enough. Enough abuse, enough bullshit, enough lies, enough games. She would realize how special I was, what my value was or be gone from sight and lots of luck. I really was not worried, she did everything for me, she always swore she’d never leave me, she always swore. No matter what she was lying about, I believed that. I see now in retrospect how silly it was to believe a liar. She was only saying what she knew i was capable of doing. That’s what made her phony. I had plenty of proof, she had none. She was never placed in a position of hardship with me, I never pressed a hard punishment, even with kam and the apartment she buckled. It was always something she agreed with, not something I wanted for her penance. A Dom is not perfect, nor are his all of his judgments, but this isn’t about a tribunal or following a book or someone’s opinion facebook. Submission is a testament of love to your man for who he is, how special he is to you, and how much and how far you are willing to go to serve his will. If his will was for you to walk off a cliff, you would go, and he would reap his own consequences (but it is also his job to stop you.). The sub does not inflict them, only by walking away as a failure to him. The rest is in the mind of the man himself, and the realization his training was to a partner with all words, and none the commitment he has to her. nothing even close to match. The commitment I have to my wife is immeasurable. To this point I never loved anyone harder, truly madly and deeply. Stressing the madness. What man stays with a woman who hits him? degrades him? lies to him? betrays him? incapable of support financially, or emotionally? Abandons him to fend for himself in every time of major need? Manipulates him with her own children? Is a constant vacuum of need and low self worth, is mentally and physically sick? Not only that but refuses to take medication for extended periods of time? Who does that? who stays after all of that? who stays miserable and attached in sickness, health, rich, poor? roaches no roaches? cats no cats? till death? This one does, because this one gave it his all on hope and faith. Hope she was bonded with my very soul for all time, and faith her core and her bond to me was as strong as mine was to her. People say they love, they say the words. But if you never had a gun barrel in your mouth and squeezed a trigger at the thought of the rest of your life without them, you have never fucking loved shit. Your love is a hallmark card with no signature.

The second instance was the same thing, disrespect again in the group meeting we had once a week. The trouble was Sarah got drunk and went driving to pick up her drunk son. She refused my direction and went anyway. Disrespect. First occurrence with Sarah and this was just after my wife decided to run her mouth all attitude and disrespectful. So now i have a sub that doesn’t know her place and a prospect taking her lead. I could not punish the prospect, i had no verbal submission and this violated standard protocol, my wife however wanted her punished anyway. So now she’s the Dom telling me how to handle the prospect. It was at this point, I decided to pass the punishment to her for being a general bad influence. Mind you this was originally just going to be wrapped into her regular pain session until she decided to have another fit of it not being fair (like she had say, oh wait she thought she was the D), then it escalated.

Jesus I fucking branded her is she out of her mind? I kept telling her I can’t punish her anymore she just will not submit to my decision. I wish she could have understood. Sarah was not more important, Sarah was vital to train my wife not get me angry or hurt or abusive to me. What really was pissing her off, was she could not control me through the guise of submission, this is a very common attitude and tactic used by most bullshit 50 shades subs these days. Oh if I act like I am submitting to my man, but throw safe words and no’s on everything he wants, and be miserable , hell do what it takes to make me pleased so I can continue to submit to anything I agree to. This tactic makes a shallow Dom, and the roles are now reversed. The woman has all the power, that is just not the way it was meant to work. Not the way I was brought to it, The subs I knew over the years (some of them actually trained me in how to treat them at first) were nothing like that. Their joy was in the happiness of their Dom, their personal goals were irrelevant other than security, safety, love, and adoration.

When a Dom reaches the point where he feels anything he would do would not change the problem, or just be abusive because it would produces no result. He has 2 choices. Release her from his service, or remove her from his presence. Removal is a last ditch effort to smack some sense in the submissive. It tells her she is about to lose everything she is supposed to hold dear, all of her oaths and her credibility of who she was, and all that she was trained to be. She would never be able to perform quite the same way again, for everyone is different. She is supposed to lose her identity, fell all of that loss and correct herself. Come back whole and grateful to be back, and return to service, problem corrected.

Again, this did not have the effect i was looking for. She refused the punishment, and I kept adding more time, I said if we get past a month I would release her.

She finally Threatened to kill herself, her usual last ditch effort for me to buckle. But again I was not going to buckle this time. My wife/sub was going to value me,

she was going to respect me, or she was gone. Bearing in mind after all these years of her begging not to leave me every time I wanted out, all these years of swearing I was hers, all these years of her supposedly dying without my love I had faith in her change. She was mine, above all else in the world, she was mine. I wasn’t trying to devalue you, I was trying to keep her ahead of Sarah’s training. My wife had every chance to prove what she was to me, and if she would have just accepted it in the first place instead of playing on her own insecurities, I would like to think it would have been different. But it would have not changed a thing at this point.

I finally buckled due to her crying and hyperventilating, as I always did and reduced the time for a weekend. But that was to be unmovable. I had to hold to my decision or I fail at the very core of what I claim to be. I received a call from Sarah the next day, My wife had texted her and said she was in the hospital. At first Sarah said she was dead. My heart just fucking dropped. After all the threats all of those years, Jesus. She fucking did it. Jesus. If she wouldn’t have corrected herself, I would have been dead. No way I could have lived with that, no fucking way. She said she was in for a panic attack to the point of almost having a heart attack. I broke my word and I texted her, asking her not to respond and apologizing for what she went through. I was looking forward to her return as i had hoped this would do the trick, finally.

It did not, and i suspect she was not at the hospital in retrospect, but all I have is her lying word. Then comes the facebook posts. Sarah in our private group was singing my praises and sharing her experiences and thanking me for all she would become, and my wife lost it. Probably due to her slamming me in every group she belonged to, and twisting her problems in such a way to generate sympathy. I have a feeling if they ever read my side they would tell me to run from this woman. So she makes her final ultimatum again with a bitter and jealous heart, lose her or lose me. I said fine, I’ll lose you. I cannot take you any further and you are released from your service to me. She then began going hysterical and badgering me to say I wish she was dead so i could go be happy with Sarah. Over and over and over again. I was so shaking pissed to her idiocy. I said a thousand times , Sarah was not replacing anyone. She was completing us. She was completing me, she was filling the voids you wanted nothing more to do with it. I was hating her less for that rejection, but the removal of Sarah meant in no time I would just as empty, just as dry, just as neglected.

That’s where she wanted me. Suffering by her hand. Bitter because I wouldn’t support her. When she did nothing to support me, or change her abusive attitude since I left. She was now just abusive from a distance, and I was becoming abusive again as well. Bitter, defensive, and sick of her bullshit. Sick of her trying to brainwash me with her perception and calling my feelings lies. I know what the fuck i felt i know how the fuck I felt, I know why I done what I done. I snapped, like a fucking rubber band. I gave in to the badgering, I told her fine your fucking

right. Go fucking kill yourself go do the fucking world a favor it would be a better place without you. Let me and Sarah be happy. I left her like that. It wasn’t right, but I did it. I was like a rat pushed into a corner, I fought my way out.

So after this and me having no knowledge of it at this point in time according to her she carves the name unwanted in her thigh, and tells all of her facebook cronies she’s killing herself and goodbye. Because that’s what you do when you kill yourself, you log on facebook first to post to everyone you’re going to kill yourself. She then has her first and amazing meet with the love of her life, Daniel. He comes in and strokes her hair all night with the bedroom door open while she is crying. Sure, right.

So a half a week goes by, all is quiet. I go out to buy an ounce of weed, a new pipe and a grinder for my wife. On top of the toys we bought I was in for just a week of sitting and bonding again with my wife, having some fun and talking about all that happened, possibly even reding what we both wanted here, it was obvious she wasn’t happy, and if she wanted Sarah to go what was to be in its stead? My wife even suggested at one point dropping Sarah and finding another one, I’m like if you think poly bdsm slave prospect females just fall out of the fucking sky you go find one and I’ll swap her. Right.

Again the wife texts me and asks if she can go to the hospital, she is having intestinal trouble. I said yes because I would like you good for the trip. She said thank you and went in, then she said she was going to her mother’s to get help and be cared for. Without her kids? sure. Daniel also came by to help her move boxes from Karen and take care of my wife. Gee you think I would have met him by now. I received o texts from her except one that said the pain pills were making her sleep. So I buy it kind of, I didn’t care she was still coming. I spent the same week with sarah, and we had a tiyst encounter. My wife never even checked on me. Later i find out why. I was going to tell her when she came up, I mean I felt bad, but at the same time I was fucking pissed. A week of intestinal trouble and pain pills that make you sleep 24 hours a day and Daniel helping Karen move boxes? when the fuck did they meet? she also neglected to tell me Daniel was even at her house, or her mothers, or his whole existence for that matter. Because she was lying to me. What else is new?

I get the text 2 days before the flight. She wants a divorce because she read some more facebook posts she didn’t like. All these years, all this love and respect she supposedly had for me, and I get a text for a divorce. You fucking loser. A text? God this was too much. I said you too fucking pussy to say it to my face? so she calls and says it, that’s when I hear it in her voice. She’s been fucking around with another guy, I even said so. She ignored it and I said look just come up everything’s paid for we can talk it out, I’ll even sleep on the couch or at home. Let’s just be adults here. You know if she did come and say it to me, say how it wasn’t working, say she had a back door man and was in love, said we need to be over and he’ll care for me, I would have cried yes, but i would have let her go.

We’d still be friends. But this wasn’t about being an adult or respect or the 10 years and all I gave to her, this was about revenge. Revenge for all the slights she felt, revenge for the control she lost over me, revenge for not being treated like a queen when she acted like an absolute cunt, revenge for feeling worthless and paying attention to a fucking cock that will say anything he can to steal anybodies pussy. The sharks see a mark, a weak fish, they take them down. She melted in his arms. She fell in love. She fell in love and forgot I was ever born. Her greatest and last promise, broken. Another lie. I don’t blame the man that takes it ever, I blame the lying whore that lets him in the fucking door. You need a dick whatever, you wanna give your heart away? your nothing but a prostitute to the highest bidder.

I don’t blame her, with all she thought I might have to if I thought my partner evil, until now and only briefly I assumed mine was rotten to the core too. But remember, she had been lying about how evil I was to everyone for fucking years for her sympathy fix. I never felt sorry for her, If she can throw’ a punch and fuck, she can get a fucking job. She could go to school, get a diploma, finish high school, volunteer, something. Nah, just wanted a life of laying on her ass and making trouble for people supporting her and anyone else she might not like. None of this was even close to right, it was all to mind fuck me out of vengeance. She could of told me about Daniel and her feelings a long time ago, I would have allowed it, I had no right to say shit. But Daniel wanted the whole pie of my wife, not just a slice anymore. He was breaking up with his woman, and needed a place for he and his daughter to live. Unknown to me, the move of him to her place with his daughter was going to go down in December. I was already a ghost and didn’t know it. One huge knife in my back for all I ever done for her. Thank you. Thanks for all the truth. 10 fucking years and this is how you do me?

So anyway, after I heard her voice I asked her one more time, she said she needed to think about it. I knew she had to come up with a good lie to her back door man or she needed to be with him for encouragement to stick to choice. She couldn’t make a choice alone if she tried. She was under his direction. It was then I was mad, I knew it was over. I knew she wasn’t coming. I knew my marriage was over. I couldn’t believe she done this to me. Her vows, her vows she swore she meant, her promises, her lies. It was all lies. She was spending the night with that fucker no doubt. I wasn’t waiting at home to go out of my mind, I called sandy and we spent the night together. If she can be that fucking cold to have a back door man she was fucking, what in the fuck was I being faithful for? I was way too embarrassed to even go to Sarah with any of this at this point, I promised to keep the problems of one relationship out of the other. I felt I had no choice, what if I was wrong?

I just unloaded to Sarah something that passed. I still fucked my contract, worse than I did already. I mean internet masturbation is one thing, but this was a physical presence she was cozying up to for god only knows how long, it could have been since fucking march.

I cried on sandy most of the night, she kept saying this was for the best, I was unsure of that. But it wasn’t like i had a choice anymore. In all our years she never said it’s over. The next day I get a cell full of text messages saying again how Sarah was posting all this disrespectful crap on facebook and I was letting her, hell i didn’t even read it. She said make a choice drop her or me, I said let me talk to her about it and she fine I want a divorce its over, and by the way i have a new man and he’s paying attention to me when you haven’t and you just made my choice a whole lot easier. She hung up. What in the fuck? another man? a choice? a fucking choice? are you serious? First i heard any of this, Fine you want a fucking divorce no problem I’ll cancel the fucking trip.

I went home and gave her one last chance, and said I can’t undo this once I do it. So I did it. Then I get a picture message of a facebook post, some bullshit about how she loves but she can never be with me again because I chose that skank (Sarah) over her. Bull fucking shit she had a man, she was in choice, she just chose him and walked away from me. I didn’t have a fucking choice, I had a fucking ultimatum. My sub giving me an ultimatum. What a fucking phony. So you can hang from a rope with a bat up your ass and say yes sir, so fucking what.

It makes you rope trash, nothing more. An object men abuse, instead of gang fuck, good for you. Never mind who fucking trained you to be rope trash for 10 years anyway right? never mind who invested in all your fetish outfits, toys, and encouraged your appetites when nobody else could or would right? yah just give that shit to this loser because you just met him twice and he stroked your hair. Fuck ever with that bullshit. Please

So I then go by her page, and for the first time I am looking since I dropped her off of mine. Loaded with men. Loaded with Dom’s following her, loaded with all these stupid kink pictures. Loaded with all these rules and protocols she don’t fucking follow. Oh wow she fancies herself an actual submissive cuz she’s nothing but a pain slut? oh good. Fuck the loyalty, though, or the honesty to your Dom, or the lifelong commitment you make with that collar. So on her post there’s a love, and its from a guy named Daniel. On his banner posted the night she broke up with me, is my wife lip locking this cocksucker. Oh wow another breach of contract, like the 4th. Let’s not forget the radio show incident, the rejection of her punishment with Kam, the couple she fucked without me, and now kissing a man that is not her husband. The betrayal, the lies, the depravity, the underhanded fucking behavior of this woman and this faggot just drove me to a level of pissed like you have not ever seen. I wanted to get in my van and drive to Texas and shoot them both in the fucking face.

I had enough, I couldn’t fight this alone anymore, it was the biggest stab in my back i ever felt, she’s texting me fucking with me about it telling me how I’m a joke of a Dom and Daniel is a real Dom and blah blah, then that cocksucker texts me on her phone saying she is under her protection. What the fuck is this shit, she tells me Daniel was an old crush she had in high school and they reconnected after 20 years and all this shit, funny nowT I learned he grew up in Illinois, not Lampasas. But whatever. She always was a liar, I just thought the important things were truth, till now.

I told her fine, you over with your man I’m going to new york, she responded with I hope she gives you aids. What the fuck did she care, she let me know the writing on the wall. She made it plain as day with that fucking kiss. She gave her heart away. In all that I done, in all that I was, I never left her side, through good times and bad. Sarah makes some facebook posts and she leaves my ass? bullshit. She didn’t want to let me know what a lying piece of shit she was to me all these years. She didn’t want to let me know she didn’t think anybody would pay for her ass, take care of her, give her what I could, till now. Till Daniel. I get it. Replace me when I’m replaceable. She had no fucking idea how many times I could have changed her ass out like underwear for something better, but I had a wife. A wife that needed time. Evidently time to have an affair, and make a decision to move his ass in with his daughter and write me the fuck off. Thanks for the service, and thanks for your shit paper vows.

I was hurting, bad. The drive up there I had to pull over 6 times to cry, loud. To hold the pain in my chest, to fucking stop falling apart. Sarah was going to receive damaged goods, knowing full well of all of this. No doubt my wife’s intentions. I waited the night of the flight, on Sarah’s windowsill, waited for a call, something.

I received nothing. That’s when I knew it was over. I did get text’s through the weekend, mostly about leaving her the tax money and paying her 300 back that wasn’t hers in the first fucking place. But to make a long story short when she accused me of never loving her, I lost it. I broke down. I knew deep down I always loved her. She ruined 10 fucking years now she was attacking how I felt? I wasn’t having it. She said if I left right now, I could come home and she would forgive me. Little did I know the deed of the move was already done, and this was just ploy to get me away from Sarah.

My wife then told me I needed to beat up Sarah and break up with her and record it with my cell, then she would forgive me. I begged her no fucking way, but I was so distraught I finally agreed. When it came to it, i could not do it. I loved Sarah, and she did nothing wrong. Maybe not the same as my wife, but I loved her all the same. I had to do something, I made this mess, I had to make it right. I was going to blow my head off. This way my wife would know I loved her, and Sarah would be safe. My wife did not want me too, but I saw no other way. I told Sarah I was leaving to go, I had to make this right. She cried uncontrollably and I left. I just

left her there, crying.

I went home and she said she would talk to me tomorrow. I sat all day in agony, drinking and waiting. She ignored me all day until late afternoon, then she got on Skype. I started crying uncontrollably, I had my gun on the desk by this time. I was waiting for her to give me the final fuck you. She never did, but I noticed how cold she was, she almost cried then she wiped the tear before I saw it. Something wTas defiantly wrong. I said how can we do this, she said one day at a time. It still didn’t feel right, in retrospect I know now because it WAS wrong. Just another of my wife’s sick fucking head games. She was toying with me, I was to desperate to believe otherwise. When i went home that night, something changed in me. I had destroyed 2 lives, or so I thought. I tried to something right, and it never went more wrong. I was believing my wife’s bullshit on how selfish I was I forgot how i got into this in the first place. I felt so much agony I couldn’t understand, I never felt like this before. Not for a very long time. I just didn’t know how long.

I knew she was gone, I jammed that gun in my mouth more times than I could count. I was talking to Noelle, my wife must have contacted Justin at some point, Sarah called first. She said she was lighting a candle and praying for me, she begged me not to go. I said thank you, but I need to talk to my wife. Justin then called, when he made me promise and told me he couldn’t take his mother dying and me dead, I promised him. i begged for my wife to sleep with me, before she agreed she asked me to pay her 100 dollar wal mart bill. I almost die, but hey before you do can you pay one last bill? Jesus Christ this woman. Me? I fucking do it, I would have done anything that night, the sad part is she knew it and used me for it. She had no intention of shit. When I finally laid down she muted her phone and pretended to. I knew she wasn’t I even hung up and tried to call back, no answer. She said she was breathing shallow. Bullshit she was breathing on Daniel.

The next morning she wouldn’t answer my text or calls for hours, she said she was getting the kids off to school, but I knew better she would always answer her phone when I called, but I wanted the one chance, the one day to show her what she meant to me. I didn’t know why I felt the way I felt. I woke up with no more hate. I forgave not only her for all she ever did to me, but everyone, everything, all my life, even Vincent was gone, there was just me, the scared fragile crying child begging for love, for approval, for her love and approval. I spent the day showering her with all I felt, God I never felt so much. She tells me she met Daniel the first time at Karen’s when she was sick but he would go home etc nothing happened and she was invited to his families for thanksgiving so she could cook dinner for everyone and the kiss was staged. If you buy that bullshit, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. But again, I didn’t care about then, only now. Now on.

We even talked about Sarah, she mentioned how it could’ve worked if certain things happened, I was thinking good now I can tell Sarah what’s going on. I message Sarah and tell her I don’t know where she will be yet, if anywhere, but we need the space and time to figure all this out. My wife says she’s babysitting and she would go to her mother’s to sleep later. I said ok I’ll text her in the night,

I did, and Daniel answers the text. He says this was a plan to treat me like shit and fuck with my head, but it backfired when she read about Sarah. He said I would be contacted no further until the divorce was final and he was taking her cell phone. Ouch, one more mind fuck from my wife and the cocksucker. Yes it hurt, but not as bad. I half expected it.

I tried calling her the next day, and texting, it was no good. But this was Daniel, she never gives her cell out to anybody, it just didn’t make any sense. She hid and locked that fucking thing from me like no tomorrow. He’s got all access because he was in on this fucking thing, fucking scumbag. The revenge was almost perfect, they just didn’t figure on Sarah being the real McCoy. No matter, they still did plenty. So I asked my friend George to go down and see if he could get her to at least talk to me, it made no fucking sense, I just let Sarah know we needed space,

I mean what the fuck? Little did i know he was already in my house. Kaitlynn comes out, alone. She tells George mommy has been sleeping over for days at a time and taking clothes, and she was alone. Cody was staying at friends so he could eat supper they had no food in the house. George tells me man , this sounds like its been going on for more than 6 months. I fucking lost it. All that time, all that space, all that free time in her schedule she was supposed to be getting herself together, she was fucking man shopping. Jesus Christ. She was hardly a fucking human being at this point. She wouldn’t let George in the house, no doubt due to Daniel’s shit in there already. Well I didn’t have enough answers but I sure knew i was deceived but my wife’s shady bullshit. Her lies, her deceit, her depravity finally turned to me.

But kaitlynn was alone, and I’m thinking my wife’s got to be on fucking drugs she never leaves that girl alone. No food? Days? Jesus. I called my mom and she said she was worried too. I tried calling my wife and letting it ring and ring and ring. First I left a voicemail yelling about kai and her fucking whore ass with her god damn bullshit. Then Daniel picks up the phone and says she doesn’t want you anymore don’t you get it? and he hangs up. Well fuck, I called the cops for a wellness check. The cop goes by and nobodies home. So now I’m wtf did mommy tell her not answer the door? where the fuck did she go. This is when I call the landlord, I asked if anybody in the park can check on her, he said he knew where Cody was and he had Joe’s number, he also said the wife was 3 months behind in her rent and said he was evicting her. Not my fucking problem anymore. In retrospect she had this covered, with Daniel’s end she’ll have more than enough to do everything she used to do. I am sure this was a deciding factor, I am not buying the high school reunion bullshit.

What in the fuck did I do to get done this dirty, it wasn’t Sarah, Daniel was in the picture long before that. Nobody moves this fast. Nobody. We’ll wait, she was that fast with me too, still married even. Fucking bitch. I just couldn’t believe I was never nothing to her. Nothing but a tool in her box until something else came along when i was used up and out of gas. I’m sitting here waiting for her to break down my walls and the damage she caused, she’s fucking man shopping. What a fucking fool I am. I cancelled the 100 dollar charge on my credit card for that stupid walmart bill, which mind you when I looked had all this shit for Daniel.

She had a new slut bag she was buying for herself with wheels, pajamas for a grown man I mean what the fuck how low can you be. He probably is wearing that cross right fucking now as i type. I bought it right? dick.

Time went on, and between the bout of rage, depression and despair and the harassing texts I got from my wife every now and again and the fights I was getting the impression this was far from over. She got her dream guy, she did her damage. Leave me the fuck alone. Evidently she could not, she had to abuse somebody I guess. I couldn’t live with this pain anymore, this despair. I was really suffering. It all went wrong, it was all me, and I couldn’t change it. i took a lot more weight than I deserved to, I still do. I didn’t know how to heal, I needed help from someone neutral, someone spiritual, someone loving. I started talking to my mother. I told her everything, all of it. everything I could think of, She asked me if I wanted to save my marriage, I said yes. she said would you give up anything to save it? I said even my own life if need be. She said show that to God. So I did, I cut off everyone and everything but my mother and Justin. Social media, all my groups, all of it. My mother said expect nothing from all of this, but if you show God how serious you are for answers you will get them. God I needed them.

I still could not believe it, I know what I felt, it just couldn’t have been one sided,

I felt her just as deep as me, and I knew I couldn’t away. She couldn’t either. We had to fix this. It was up to me. I had to sacrifice, I did. All of it. Even Sarah. I sat on Skype everyday waiting to talk to my wife, never ignoring her. She barley spoke to me, had no answers, told me she had jobs and did volunteer work which was fucking unheard of for her. In retrospect there some angle to that shit she is doing, I still don’t know what. But I am willing to bet it has to do with money and Daniel. She finally was able to say we would never be husband and wife again, she was living alone, and wanted be by herself for a while. So I got my answer, fuck the rest of the bullshit, she never did shit without a man her whole life. It ain’t changing now. Friends? After all we been through and all I did for you and the nothing you done for me but be a liar, betray me, use me , and tag along for my sex-capades that you approved of? You want to be friends? she was the lousiest friend I ever had when we were together, she barley spoke to me, and when she did it was all the same cats, weather, and kids. Fuck you. If you don’t want to be my wife you will be nothing to me, I promise. So I said very nicely, thanks wish you all best and goodbye. I wrote her off. Done.

At this point in my mind at the very minimum they are having a non sexual D/s relationship according to her, and she gave him her heart. I even spotted her wearing jewelry he got her. She won’t admit it, but I fucking know better. No more wedding ring, she even changed her name to her maiden name on facebook, and removed every bit of me. Pictures, all of it. My mother says not to give up, pray for a miracle. I at this point was more interested in growing out of this pain in my heart, I lost all my armor, my walls of emotional shielding were shattered, i was so fragile. I had to heal, I had to forgive, I had to love her, I had to move on. I needed to also combat a spiritual sickness. Bitterness, rejection, and forgiveness. Every night at 8pm my mother and I would read the bible, do a course of spiritual healing she bought me, and i started to feel better.

I began to pray every night again, I blessed my wife, I blessed Daniel, I begged for forgiveness, I cried and wailed until snot would come out of nose in despair for help and my penance. I truly believed in what I was saying, I was trying to remember how much I always loved my wife, and I found it. My mother said before Christmas she sent some stuff to the kids, I said not to but she did anyway. Fuckers never even said thank you. After all she done for them, even had them monsters in her home to keep them from getting swiped by CPS as a direct result of fucking Matthew, how quickly they forget when mom does right? I decided to reach out to kaitlynn, I felt really sorry for her and her part to play in all of this with George. If she wanted me as a father, I would be. I wanted to be. Was not to concerned with the wife at this point, kai had all my wife had, minus the anger, insanity, lies, and manipulation.

I bought her a pendant for 200 and some change, solid handmade silver with our birthstones in it and a note. I found out later she lost it. I also found out later she was being used by her mother to manipulate me, but that’s later. When I mailed it out and it arrived it was the first time I heard from the wife in weeks. Nice mind fuck on my daughters head. No mind fuck, I was genuine. I was even genuine to my wife. For weeks she would name call me, make up lies about the situation, abuse me verbally, and all i kept doing was trying to explain and answer ever foul question from her foul fucking mouth and respond with love and forgiveness, I did. I just wanted her happy with her life, I was trying to do the same. It was obvious she wasn’t so I eventually just asked if she wanted to work it out or what? She would go back and forth with this for moths, saying maybe, then yes, then no, then drop Sarah, then maybe a poly, then behind Dan’s back, but I started to realize a pattern. It was abuse, then more abuse, then I wouldn’t take anymore than she would thrown in some hope, keep me on the hook, and just do more abuse. She would even contact my mother when I had enough, and try to manipulate her with lies to manipulate me.

It was a real mind fuck for the longest time, but the end of January i had an opportunity, kaitlynn was not calling me or speaking to me and my wife with her infamous bullshit says it’s because kaitlynn doesn’t have a cell phone. Bullshit she didn’t give a fuck to talk to me, she had a new dad and a new sister and a happy mommy. Out of sight is out of mind with these people. I was tired of the lack of answers, tired of the lies, tired of my word against hers. So I bought a cell phone and sent it down to her. It had a hack installed in it to broadcast to me her gps, take pictures while a text was being typed, intercept texts, mms messages, Skype, facebook, all snapped pictures kai took and video she recorded. Incoming and outgoing calls. Despite my wife’s accusation it could not just record audio and video anytime I wanted it to. I basically had access to all of her activity on her phone, even apps she installed. I took a shot on maybe getting some truth here. I talked to my mother about it, I even talked to Sarah about it. But my mother said be careful you are absolutely ready for the truth, you may not want it. All the years of lies and bullshit out of her I could not prove because I trusted her fucking ass, I was ready.

Well I got it. I got my wife on many occasions pretending to be kaitlynn, especially when my wife was pissing me off with her abuse or i would quit talking to her. Or when I made a post on this site she didn’t like. I got pictures of them all interacting with Daniel and his family, I got video kaitlynn recorded of her and sierra in their new room together, I got all i needed. I even got the wife texting kai to not say anything to Gary I was stalking and harassing her. Funny thing is since thanksgiving. I never contacted her. Not initially not once. This is the lying bullshit she would tell everyone. She would be the one hitting me up for fucks sake. I told her when she was do not build this relationship whatever it may be on one lie. She lied about being sick, places she wasn’t places she was, her and Daniel and their relationship status, all of it. It was nothing but a mind fuck. Daniel is mostly aware of it I’m sure, I wonder if he’s aware of her masturbating on Skype recording with a time stamped chat box and dates that is sure around the time they were together though? well if he reads this someday, hit me up. See what kind of woman you got there. Oh yah she told my you have erectile dysfunction and you don’t fuck at all. Not like I care or anything, they make pills and I am sure you have a tongue, so just another lie. That’s even if you have it with a daughter, sure that works out.

All this time i am begging for my wife to come around with the truth, I still love her, i still forgive her, but god dammit this fucking with my heart shit has to stop. The last day I told her about the phone, she even had kaitlynn call me to say she wasn’t in on it, she was. I got pictures of them passing the phone off. Yes there both typing, its the only time they take pics, and kai can’t spell worth shit, my wife can. You can tell in the screenshots of the text it ain’t kai. Totally different styles of writing and attitudes. This was all just one big fucking joke to them both, and that’s ok. Maybe now it’s finally over. She’ll leave me the fuck alone, the divorce, my legal divorce will go final because i haven’t even been served by hers yet, but whatever. She won’t sign mine. That’s fine I don’t need that either. I can’t even stop it right now if I wanted to, it’s all in process.

I uninstalled the virus remotely, it’s no longer on her phone, but the family base plan app shows texts and calls still. If I do not see any traffic by the end of April, I’ll disconnect the phone. Keep it, it done its job. She never called or texted me unless you told her anyway, remember I got the call logs.

I still even after all this bullshit love and forgive my wife. I loved her all along for all her lies, all her crazy, all her bullshit, all of her failures. I can walk away from this and say I love her more than her most powerful love could ever love me, and with what I am now I love her more than any man ever could. I can say that by example.

She won’t forgive me for lying about my affairs.

I forgave her for lying about Daniel,

She won’t forgive me for replacing her with Sarah.

I never replaced her with Sarah, I love you both, you replaced me with Daniel I forgive you.

She won’t forgive me for the verbal and physical abuse.

I forgave her for years on multiple occasion and she started it.

She won’t forgive me for giving my heart to Sarah I forgive you for giving it to Daniel

She says she believes in our marital vows and I ruined it Your bullshit should have ruined mine, they still have not

She said she had tried to be friends,

Fuck her lying ass friendship, it’s worse than her lying ass as a wife, she was never there for me like I was for her, just read back the last 10 years the hoops I jumped for her.

She said she’s leaving me because i broke our contract

She broke her when she did that couple, even when she sent that video, and

kissed Daniel Here i am still loving still staying still forgiving till the end.

She said all my friends hate her.

Well all your friends hate me, but my friends hate because they know the truth, your friends are morons that follow your bullshit blindly, just like I did. Or fucking snakes in the grass themselves.

Oh how dare you clone my daughters phone to find out how bad I was lying and

fucking with your head… This woman would Snoop through my cell my PC my

email even the admin on site not to mention my drawers, storage boxes and my wallet. I forgive you.

You left me here in Texas to fend for myself and you stopped helping me….

I left you in Texas because your kids and you fucked up my parents, and tanked the plan. I looked after you and helped looked after your grandparents, I helped your mother, your kids, I even supported the family while you never lifted a finger to work. You couldn’t even keep your own god damn house clean. Now you run from me when I am burying and taking care of mine. You kidding when you say you loved me?

I could go on, her reasons are not because of what I done. It’s because her love was phony, her vows were phony, her submission was phony. It will not change, she’ll be whatever she needs to be to survive. It’s who she is. But she can’t fake it forever, you’ll get yours Daniel. You don’t have the balls to even walk where I been with her.

So that is my tale, take it for what it is. Just like the rest of what I have been writing since last December. From here, from now I close the book. I do not look back, I do not give a shit what she writes, says or does concerning me. Maybe someday the guilt will rot her from the inside out just like her mother, maybe it will not. But in all reality, I wish her all the love joy and happiness she deserves. It has been long overdue for mine. A genuine loving non abusive family that see’s me for me . What I am, how special I am, how wonderful i am. Not because of what I do for them, because of who I am. After this it will be nothing but me and Sarah, I expect my wife to finally quit reading. Goodbye, I will make it a point after the divorce to replace you, and rub you the fuck out of my existence forever.

I will not speak your name and everything we have done I will make sure to make new better memories with Sarah. She deserves that for all she has put up with me. You will not even be a memory, you will be what you always feared you would be. One big long giant unwanted mistake. Good luck with Daniel, do better with him, if you can. You lost more than you will ever know. I could have made you happy for all your days. I would have. You lost your soul mate, but the nice thing about that is, I found mine. Thanks for allowing me to do that.

I certainly am not who I was, I am all me again, with a touch of Vincent for cover.

I love a hell of lot more than I hate, and now I know how to practice genuine love, I am a huge fan. It was a fucking shame Sarah has to be the receiver of it. Despite all your bullshit wife, I was always waiting and hoping from the day I met you, it would be you. It should have been, you let your insecurities and your plagued mind, your friends, your back door man, they all got to you. They all swallowed your lies now you’re in a dream world trying to back it up. It’s ok, the ones that get curious will find this, and you. Since you’re so fond of names on your journal,
here’s some you might like too. Oh, and P.S 17 is of consensual age to have sex in the state of Texas, so ummm, go fuck yourself kam was legal

Age 39 – Without love, faith and hope produce nothing.

Without faith, love and hope produce cynicism and fear.

Without hope, faith and love produce hypocrisy and despair.

Without love, faith and hope produce nothing.

Rod Parsley

Normally I don’t refer to evangelists when I write, but as I spent these last few days thinking of this year, what to say, and if I would write a half year after to come up to speed with all that has happened this was the first thing to come to mind. This year the balances tipped way out of scale, and it was directly because of the love. The love was gone. Not the kind that said in word or made with notes and smiley faces, or the kind that has incredible orgasms with long talks into the night. The biblical love, a love of no bitterness, no record, forgiveness, empathy, no lies, and trust. It goes beyond all measure, it’s something I always dreamed of having, something I hoped was in my wife. Something I believed was in her, that is why I married her.

My mother and me were kind of on a slow but steady rebuild to constant contact as best we could. Occasionally, she would contact me for something or other and strangely enough she talked to me about a woman at the store who lost her cash and my mother was helping her find it. She could find her last 20 dollar bill so my mother volunteers to pay the lady’s bill. Poor thing, she had no idea what a swindle was. She got conned. So I took a minute to write and email and when i was finished I decided i wanted to keep it, so on the site it went.

Around this time me and the wife decide to get involved in a game together, I picked H1Z1, it looked like it had promise, We had some pretty good times on it together at first.

Joe comes back from job corp, and my wife volunteers him to come home. Well that was awful nice but I can barely afford or even want to pay for them 3 let alone another ass shining the couch. My wife though just begs and reassures me that he’s going to get a license get a car a job and get his own place… Yah right.

But whatever, I’m the sucker.

She also acquired another cat but even though she said it was from her friend beverly I suspected otherwise. Again, who gave a fuck about me, it’s just what they wanted, the rest was secondary.

My parents were going to Texas for Christmas to see my brother and they invited me along to see my wife. After how decent my birthday went I was more than happy to go down. Now it’s the family. The first night there I invited them down, the wife made an incredible dinner, the house was spotless and even the kids were nice. They came down and asked to take kaitlynn and cody. Cody did not want to go until he found out he had to dishes, imagine that. Not much changed

with that kid. I tried to warn my parents he didn’t really give a shit about being with them but they insisted so that was that. Joe was different too, he came back with a smoking habit and had a way more independent attitude. Odd as it was to I felt like my wife was treating him like the man of the house. Personally I think that boy carries all of her dirty laundry and knows more of it than anyone, but he would never betray because again, all of her kids were and always will be desperately starved for a mother’s love she will ever be able to provide and a fathers leadership they will never let anyone take. My parents even took everybody out to dinner again. Not like they deserved it, but they did because they were my family. My parents still love those people with all of their heart, and I wish I could have found the same kind of love at that time, maybe then this tale would have a different ending.

As usual, there was always something or someone fucking something up, this trip was no different. Cody is having issues manipulating my parents into doing what he wanted. So he starts pacing the halls with his hood over his head like my wife would do when she was pouting and making miserable looks and generally being an asshole. My parents decide it would be nice if the boys had Xmas presents too, my mother bought kaitlynn a lot of doll stuff. So she and Jim take Cody and my brothers kid (who is a wonderful child by the way) to wal mart and let them go off and pick what they wanted but to not check out. Bad Idea. Cody talks my brothers son out of his money and blows it all on yu gi oh cards. He has them paid for before my parents even know what’s going on. Nice one, you steal from your own fucking family. Oh never mind it wasn’t his family. I was the bill pay machine. So why the fuck wouldn’t he assume my family was suckers for paying money too right?

The week went by so fast, then my parents wanted to go home early because the grand kids wanted to go be with their parents and play with their presents. So while they were packing in a huff I decided to book my own flight home to pa at a later date. I really wanted to stay, It was a dream world of love and hope, and faith. It really was everything I wanted us to be. But I had to go back, I made a promise to a family I owed, and I pay my bills. If she loved me she would support me. I think then she still did in her own way. She cried when I left, I cried when I took the cab to the airport. Not like anybody she knew liked me enough to ride me anywhere, I guess in retrospect she was too busy telling them all how much she hated me and lying about who I was and what i did. After this day, I would never see her physically again. I would never hold her again, I would never kiss her again. But through it all I would like to thank her for that gift for Christmas, the best and greatest lie she ever pulled off. That we could be a happy family and she really did love me for all that I was.

When I got home, the fighting began again. I was trying to get close to my wife, she was refusing. Probably either to Joe or to lack of interest, maybe because she felt I abandoned her again. Even though at this point, I was still paying bills. I started reading Friedrich Nietzsche and some quotes I liked, so I saved them to help me through the more difficult days with her. His words offered a lot of strength.

By the time valentine’s day hit I got a single card that said, I really appreciate all that you have done. That’s it. The coldest thing I have ever read from her. It still is burned in my mind like a welding torch. The love she had for me was failing. She would come on upset all of the time when we would game. Throw fits in front of my friends I made when I was playing it, even moved off on her own in the game from time to time. We just couldn’t get along anymore. Our conversation were reduced to weather conditions, movies, her cats, and her kids. Nothing of us. No words of I miss you. No time to say when we could see each other again. No loving anything, nothing emotional. She just seemed to want the sex. She also wanted the money to pay her bills. By Christmas I quit my job with mylestone we had a falling out, so I figured this would be as good a time as any to get out on my own. I kept collecting unemployment and my grandmother was needing it for all the shit extras she wanted done to the property she ran out of money for. So when the tax return came I banked it all again and paid my wife’s bills with it. Nobody was in any kind of trouble financially at this point in time as far as I know, but I could be wrong.

So I got bonded and licensed and started working. Jobs would come in here and there but it was nothing like I used to make. I had to do something before the tax return got sucked up. I couldn’t do any more than I was and by this point I was sick to death of paying for a family that literally couldn’t be there for me, help me, or support me in anything I did or wanted to do if it altered their lifestyle of doing nothing and living off the state. So the news that those fuckers were finally going to have to work for a living did not go over well. In fact, I think was the beginning of her true colors and the birth of her hatred towards me. Joe however, didn’t do too bad here, He started cutting lawns, and my wife would help him sometimes. They were using a friend or neighbors mower, and giving him money to use it. I again, felt bad and was veiy proud of them for trying so I bought them a mower. I also bought joe a 300 dollar welding helmet for completing his welding education. But this was all to say good job, offer encouragement, and try to support them in any way I could. Even if my wife wasn’t being one. I made a promise, a promise to look after them. But even I have limits, if something were to happen to me, they would have to look after themselves. I wanted to make sure they could do that.

What they didn’t know is how sad I really was, how upset all of this was making me, and how stressed I was watching my grandfather rot away every week. My wife wasn’t one to give me any kind of nurturing support or any kind of warm love to me at this time, I don’t think it was ever to be honest. She was always cold, she was always reserved, unless it was anger or sadness. Her problems were always bigger than mine, her life was always more important. I wasn’t driving the

bus anymore she was. I began to say I wanted out. I wanted a divorce. She would refuse, she would call my phone a thousand times until I answered, she would cut her arms and send me pictures when I did not conform to her will, she would threaten to poison herself with pills. All of the stuff she has done in the past the whole time we were together except now it was becoming a daily ritual almost.

She would drive me so mad, so crazy, I just wanted her to go the fuck away. It was always do what she wanted me to do or else this. I would have to bend. I was no longer a dominant, I was her gimp. I was her whipping post for her will. Except now the only weapon I had for a defense was space. The more I pushed her away, the more she would finally calm down and treat me like a husband with some respect. Even a little respect for all I have done and all I provided would have nice. But it was not to be.

With no help from my grandmother emotionally, and no attention from my wife other then the occasional pinup girl sex life we had on the internet, and the occasional movie after 9pm supposedly when her kids went to bed. (I believe now this worked in line for her schedule with her alternate social life of other men.) I was empty. Fruitless My life had no point anymore. I was a fucking mule bribed with sex and manipulated with lies and abuse to keep paying her bills. I thought at this point she was feeling like she was losing me and just didn’t know what to do. She was, but I also believe at this time in retrospect she was shopping for men. She had a profile along with her private facebook account with quite a few men she was talking to. She’ll never admit it, but a husband knows his wife. It just drove me further away. If I was moving down on the priority list, so would she.

I still needed something in my life to make me feel special, something to feel loved, cared for, like a fucking human being and not a food stamp. Our D/s to this point domestic and emotional was gone. Returned to bedroom kink. Seems all along that really was all she was. No submissive abuses her Dom, no submissive defies his will. She walks out. She removes herself from service. She does not throw fits and threaten to kill herself when things don’t go her way. It’s not about her way. A true submissives’ joy is in supporting and following the will of her dom. Her Dom specifically, not what’s in a book or suggested by a group of people on fetlife or facebook. If you don’t like his kink, he’s not your dom. Leave. The rest is all just smoke and mirrors for control and more abuse.

This is when I decided one last time to find my brother Greg. I found him. He was in jail doing time for burglary among a pile of other charges. I found him through his sister, and after some money I gave her and some groceries I bought her she finally gave up his address and I wrote him. We have been writing and talking steadily since, and although it is amazing to have a part of my dad in my life again I thought I lost forever it still would not compensate the void in my soul for what

I always dreamed my wife and I could be.

I became afraid to write on my site, I knew what i build it for. This was to be my end, my note. My number 23 story, My legacy. My scratch on this earth to indicate all I have done, all that was done to me and the final result. I had failed at reaching my wife, I had failed at being faithful to her, I had failed at supporting her due to my business not springing up to well. My grandfather was dying, my grandmother was more and more bitter. I was growing tired of throwing dirt on my past and cleaning up the mess alone. All I had were more people with their hands out like birds that could not fly. But the sad part is, I knew they could, they just would not for me. Again, I was nothing to them. I was prepared to go to dust, and be better for it. I had not a single thing genuine in my life at this time but my brother, and he was in jail.

it was around this time I also noticed my wife’s phone blowing up whenever we talked on Skype or even in game. She was texting with a multitude of people, men included that had an interest in her I am sure. Of course I would get more lies games and bullshit. It was my mom, it was my email. All lies. She never let anyone rifle through her phone, she usually had to much dirt on the kind of person she is on it. I never cared, I had my own games and my own agenda, if that’s what she wanted and this is how she wanted us to be, so be it. I didn’t give a shit anymore. She just refused to be anything I wanted unless it was a sexual fantasy that involved her getting all the attention. Far be it from her to come up with an idea of her own, something for me, something to support me, or even a look in my eyes with an I love you or I miss you. All of that shit stopped. Fine by me, she was emotionally the worst relationship I ever had. She was a cold deceiving, calculating rock. You never knew who she really was, what really ever happened to her, what she really wanted. She was a survivor, she did whatever it took to get what she wanted. Whatever it takes.

I was so cold, so shut down. I was just fucking mean at this point. She was starving me I imagine because of the job I made her look for. It cut into her life of using me I guess. The cheap shitty bribes of phony affection were wearing thin, I just couldn’t believe in her anymore. It seemed worse now because I wasn’t even there to catch all the bullshit them 2 being her and Joe were cooking up in their heads. I just wanted out. I wanted them gone. I could not let her go. At the time, I had no idea why.

I made friends with a guy named celo on hizi, I remember him telling me on several occasion from the fits my wife would have to run from that woman. She is not good for me. I used to tell him I married her, that there was good in her and the space was just making her upset. I used to always defend her, even when I hated her. I would not take the blame in our marriage for anything but I would at least always let people know on the outside we were doing ok. My wife however

would run to anyone with an ear on how terrible I was to her, leaving out all the details of how fucking insane and abusive she was to me. Her lies her games her drama her bullshit. I know it was all hers because I never had shit like this in my life since my time in the nation. Those fucking women in there were just as nuts. Combined they may have measured up to my wife, but I doubt it.

Hi got boring and it was time to move on so we picked arma 3 exile. Well I picked it my wife as usual was brain dead whenever it would come for something to do, she only knew what she didn’t want to do and she usually expressed that about 10 seconds before we were about to do it. So that usually made me look like an ass and her the victem, but that was always the way she played it.

May comes and My Grandfather dies, not only Bruce, but my father’s father dies as well. I Handled Bruce and the finals fairly well despite almost no support from my wife. She never offered to come up, she never wanted to be by my side. She barley said I’m sorry for it. I put up with her when both her grandparents died and all her kids and her mother, she couldn’t even offer to come up. That’s when I knew she was fucking around. I would start accusing her off and on but she would lie like she always did and I had no proof. I just began to accept I was becoming nothing to her anymore.

Around this time she was complaining the first bike I got her kids ruined, the second bike she got from a job supposedly got stolen. So I had to order her another one. Not like she drove or anything, not like her kid could get his fn license get a job a car and drive her, no he was too busy leaching off me like his mother. I never got the money for that mower, or her bike, or anything back from any dime I ever paid in to that family, and I never will.

It honestly felt like at this point I was paying money for an overpriced drama laden lying prostitute. I knew she didn’t love me, I stopped loving her. She just wouldn’t let me go. She wanted to make sure I was broken down like her before I did? I don’t know but at this point she still wouldn’t grant a divorce.

She at some point around this time got into a fight with her son Joe and he knocked her around a little bit. I will never know why but I imagine Joe had a good reason, it still doesn’t make it right, but my wife had a way of bringing it out of people. He went off to live somewhere else, and that was all I knew. I felt better with him gone actually, them 2 together was only trouble. My unemployment ran out, and the work was not steady, but at least had the return to fall back on in an emergency.

Noelle of all things hits me up after all these years when she finds out about bruce and at this point I decided to try and bury the hatchet. We been talking off and on ever since, I guess you could call us friends. Odd. Time really does heal all


Even me and Kam buried the hatchet. I told her about all the things she said and my reactions to them and she apologized. From there we just became people that catch up once in a while, never to be as close. But that’s fine with me. I don’t think with all in her personal life she could maintain the weight of anything more than that concerning me.

I also got a real bad injury around this time, the worst one ever. I was working on a job when the rug came out from under me literally and I fell forward, both my arms stopped dead on a shelf and my body kept going. It felt like I tore both my shoulders out of socket. I still finished the job and went to urgent care for x rays. This would be the start of a long painful journey of rehab. My wife? I’m sorry is all she said.

June comes around and I get a call out of the blue from my old friend sandy who coincidentally was also the person who salvaged me from Noelle when we broke up all of those years ago. It was good to hear from her again. I really missed her and I changed quite a bit since. I had a lot to tell her. I really needed a friend, and I knew she would be. She really was a tie that binds in a real dismal point in my life. I hoped she would be again. So the months went on like that, and sandy was a great help in my understanding of what I was involved in, what I was doing, and what I needed to do.

Sandy also gave me some jewelry to hold for her because the place she was living in had a bad lock on the door. It was all gold and diamonds, from her mother and father. A pair of earrings, an engagement ring, and a gold ring with emeralds and rubies. I never forgot the gun she gave me, and I always knew I was going to pay her back someday, and I did finally have the chance. The stuff was fucked up pretty bad from use over the years, I took it to really good jeweler and had the earrings cleaned and plated with rhodium, the gold ring had a cleaning and the emerald lost replaced, and the diamond engagement had a cleaning and the arm fixed to hold the solitaire. I kept them in a drawer in my place till one day she came home from work crying uncontrollably. I said I got something that will cheer you up, but it can only happen once. After some thought, and me saying it will be the best day you ever had she agreed. I showed her the jewelry and she cried for I don’t know how long. But it was so awesome to have someone that grateful for such a small tiny thing compared to what i did every day for my wife.

I just knew I was in too deep with all of it. I was drug down so far and convinced this was all I deserved for being so horrible according to my wife for so long. Too long it seems.

I talked to a lawyer. I got the price for the divorce had the paperwork drawn up and set to the side. I just couldn’t deal with it on top of everything going on. I

really didn’t want to lose her, even though she felt like she was gone. Even the lie was enough for me. I needed anything. I was clutching at straws to keep me alive inside. Anyone that could help me was just a blessing, and with all the people in my life telling me how sick my marriage was I really started to hate that woman. Around this time my wife was crying pretty good about being so far behind on the bills I sent her a thousand dollars from the tax money to tide her over for a while, she at least said thank you.

I finally had to bring up the idea of us seeing each other to her, lord only knows she would not. She wanted to come up to pa this time, in retrospect this was probably due to her current living situation with another man. I will never know the truth, and I really do not care if I get it anymore. She wanted to do it for thanksgiving anniversary and stressed she had to stay home for dinner with her kids. Sounded reasonable so we booked it for 2 weeks. She said the usual, Joe would watch the kids and friends would check in on them.

My birthday was nothing special, a few lousy pictures, and a half assed attempt to pay me some attention, I knew she was elsewhere. I just didn’t know how far gone she was, or the depth of her abuse, her underhandedness, or her depravity.

The death of my fathers father.

This man, Leroy, was not my grandfather. He was an evil man all of his life to people, and I never wanted to know him. I wrote of him on my father’s death, it was to be the last time i spoke to him. I went to his funeral in my father’s stead, his own surviving son my uncle didn’t even go. I almost looked at him in the casket and said good. But there was something I noticed. The native American side of him. The lenni lenape. It was undeniable. My father’s family were Pennsylvania Indians. Kind of made me think how neat it was to marry a native and be born one as well. All this time I thought I’d marry a wop. Maybe that’s where all my physical attraction to her comes from. I was slowly putting puzzle pieces together of a long line of drunken, thieving, lying manipulation highly intelligent line of people that were dying off way before their time or ever using their amazing potential. It made me feel blessed to be the only one who has not wasted his life in a bottle, and was even able to do some good works.

I went in alone, no one knew me. I left alone, never to see any of them again. I closed the final debt to my father. I walked out of there even. I walked out of there alone. I walked out of there no longer a Sicilian. I walked out a native American. My family hunted these grounds, farmed them, and died on them. Maybe I should too.

The death of my grandfather.

What to say here. I had always visioned this what if moment, especially after the heart attack. It was not like I had envisioned at all. I had a picture in my mind of waiting with him, with my wife and family. My wife standing behind me as I was holding his hand, my wife’s children crying for me. His eyes opening and closing from time to time, quietly knowing he was not to be left alone dying in the night screaming in pain. Sounds of birds in the background from a sound effect machine. It was ok to go my dearest man. You lived your life. You did a damn good job. My presence was living proof. A man I looked at as father for as long as I could remember. I saw everyone in town showing up to his funeral to say goodbye. All the people in the local stores he knew, all the people he played in leagues with, all the people he helped for no other reason than it was who he was.

But it was not to be. Reality is a much harsher mistress. She always will be.

The skin cancer he refused to have operated on years ago had rotted off his entire ear down to the cartilage. He refused to eat to the point where he was dying from malnutrition, he became not himself any longer. He was cranky, stubborn, miserable. Hid his pain. Nasty belligerent. A shadow of who he was. I was to tend to it alone. No one called, no one asked. No one cared. I began fighting with him because he refused to take care of himself until he got admitted to the hospital, then they feed him a few iv bags and send him back so the cycle would repeat itself. I would be running my grandmother down daily, and I had enough. I started to yell at him. I told him if he wanted to live like he claimed he needed to start eating and taking his medication and getting out of his bed once in a while. The back and forth shit was killing my grandmother with worry and if he wanted to die he needed to let me sign the do not resuscitate and be done with it. Make no mistake, if he tried to live I would have kept his head going in a fucking fishbowl if I had to.

He didn’t want to live. He wanted to die until he was dying then he wanted to live again. Enough was enough. I guess after I yelled at him enough was enough for him to. He refused everything after that. No food no meds no water no nothing. The hospital started to prep him to go back then he started drowning in his fluid in his lungs. I thought he going to go right there, I got the call and had to turn around to go back. I sat with him for hours alone. He’s wake up roll his eyes at me, then go back to sleep. 2 days later he went back to the nursing home. Nanny wanted to see him one night the nursing home called and said he was in bad shape. But nan finally agreed to hospice and that was starting in the morning. We go down there and he’s rolled out of bed, screaming in pain help me. even after they put him back in the bed. I said in my mind nobody can help you now. Your god damn stubborn ass is what killed you. If he would have just got the operation, if he just ate his meals, took his meds, tried a little. Now he was too far gone, there was no bringing him back. He was shutting down.

He died in the morning on may 30.

I wanted with all I had to just curl up in a ball and cry like a baby in my wife’s arms for hours. But I was alone. I had work to do. I had a funeral to arrange and social security to notify, family, friends, estate will to execute, obituary to write. Nobody to turn to. Fight now cry later. As usual in my case, it would be never. Barley anybody showed to the funeral, or showed up late. I had to find him a suit, nan who originally wanted a viewing decided she didn’t want to go at all, so i was stuck showing early and trying to find her a later ride. My uncle terry grumbled and complained the whole time because he was to sick to take nan anywhere, it was all I had. I had pictures to gather. The plot to arrange for the dig, I mean everything. I did everything. All myself, my first funeral I arranged and executed. Not too bad I think. No wife to cry on, no kids to console me. Not a fucking phone call. I guess they were busy. Funny how that works. All I done for them with their kin. Took them to visit theirs, helped nurse them to death, drove them to funerals. I shouldn’t have expected anything less. When your nothing, your treated as such.

My wife did put some time in to stay around and talk to me over the internet. I got no offer to come up though. Just pounded me in my gut harder and hardened my heart some more. I didn’t think I could get any colder. I was wrong. I got all kinds of shit from my family for not getting names right in the obit even when I called and no one answered. Funny how much easier it is to critique when you didn’t do shit to help. Couldn’t even make a fucking jello mold. Thanks, fuck off. Do it yourself if you got some shit to say. The only you did an amazing job I got was from the fucking funeral director. The family pole bearers didn’t even show up till 3 hours later. Sandy wanted to be there with me, but I wouldn’t allow it.

She did send flowers though, they were pretty. My wife and kids didn’t even send a card.

My wife however, did make this image she finished working on from last December, it was about the only thing that made this post worth mentioning instead of just carrying it in my own heart. I will miss that man forever, I wish I could have cried. I wish I had the time. I wish I wasn’t alone. But here I sit in this crypt, cleaning up the dead and the dying. Dying inside too.

Age 38- The power of Goodbye.

When you wake up every day next to a lie, even a little one, over time it just engulfs you. I used to think of things, but it mainly seemed like every time I left or threatened to leave it would be the only thing to convince her to rethink how she was acting, how she treated me. In retrospect I believed I was in love, I really thought I was. Through better or worse, in sickness and in health, we both made that vow. This time truly was the worst and my wife was truly sick. I was so out of gas emotionally, I was so busted up, I was so out of it I just couldn’t think straight anymore, the only thing that kept me going was katilynn and the job. My grandmother was the goal. She wanted me, she needed me, and I owed them both, i owed them for all they carried through growing up. Even my wife knew that. A lot of things she would fuck with, a lot of friends she would drive away, a lot of drama she would cause, but she knew without a doubt I would slit her throat before she even said a bad word about those people. Nanny wras in trouble, the people I was with at that time decided to do nothing about their situations, the person who actually did need and love me could do absolutely nothing about her situation. That makes a big difference when you factor in she never lied to me, and she always loved me. I wasn’t even wanted here anymore. Maybe if we had some space my wife could rethink what I was really worth to her. But she needed help. Serious help. The fucking abuse had to stop at the very least.

The only way was out. My wife however, was not in a giving mood and did not want to let me go. She knew I wouldn’t come back after all that happened, and at this particular moment in time I was not planning to. Not for a long while, not until she could control her anger, not until she could let go of whatever she was holding on to, not until I could heal. At this point I was nothing but a nasty cold mess of fuck you. Completely shut down. I didn’t believe anybody, I didn’t trust anybody. My grandmother is saying get out, Justin is saying get out, kam and Kathleen are saying get out, everything in me is saying get out. Somewhere in

here my health began to fail as well. The cedar pollen which never bothered me that bad before was overwhelming me, I had to take steroid shots just to tolerate it. I developed a boil under my arm probably from staying out and sweating to death after work in parks and not coming home to bathe. My sugars were completely out of whack no matter how much I took they just never dropped.

This makes you tired and cranky on top of it all. I was getting colds, flu’s and I usually do not.

I was also nursing a broken hand I did on the job. When I was still an apprentice i had to unload a tall ladder off the truck by myself and it fell over I couldn’t catch it but the leg came up and busted my right hand middle finger. I straightened it out best i could, put a piece of half inch pipe over it for splint and kept working. It kind of healed ok, but sometimes the knuckle would hurt so bad I couldn’t close my hand.

The van was on its last legs, and my brother George couldn’t drive his truck anymore he still was wrapped up with his license trouble. I had the work van from the job and so I just let him use my van. He was out of RK bass by this time and working for another company. I was saving, saving big. I am sure it added to the tension of the place, the money wasn’t flowing for every little fucking thing like it used to. But they all knew what was coming. It had to be. All the life choices they made to now made this shit inevitable. I really wanted to get them the fuck out of Texas. It seemed that’s where most of our problems came from. Out of state for the most part me and the wife were great, or at least the illusion of great. Dreams are one thing, what is to be is something else.

So what i formulated from here was to bank up enough to buy a good vehicle, pay the trip home, and make some stops along the way. First would be to my parents, from there I would get a new cell phone, new number, and my own bill because I was getting awfully sick of her monitoring me on it. Look all you want what do I care, but she would defiantly bitch about me talking to anybody, I really couldn’t have friends. Any local people I could hang out with as long as she was with me, alone forget it. She wouldn’t even let me go see my own brother to go shoot pool. The few times she did she would spend the whole time I was gone blowing up my cell with texts of what I’m doing, when I’m coming home and who I’m fucking. By blow up I do not mean once an hour, I mean like every 5 minutes or less, consistently. Made it next to impossible to even enjoy myself. During my work hours I ignored her so much she finally got the hint, but if she knew i wasn’t at work it was terrible.

I didn’t even want to give her my new number in fear of all that shit again. I had to have the option or ability to cut her off completely. It was the only way I could keep her from abusing me with words and harassment and the only way I could keep myself from going crazy and lashing out in retaliation, remember I was still

in anger management. From the phone and Kentucky I would stabilize, next up would be my old boss and friend Andrew, who moved back home to Indiana. I would spend a week out there, then go on to Wisconsin to see Kambrea and her fiance Mike. She again was trying to be a friend to me, but I just wasn’t sure. People can be a lot of things from a distance. So it would serve as a kind of gut check. See if she could be there for me like she used to or not. If not at least I know I could walk away. Then on to Michigan for a week with my best friend and 1st brother in arms, Justin. His mom was sick and dying and the man needed some cheer. So did I really. Then on to my grandmother’s in PA.

The whole reason for this was my friends, I have been wrong before. Years ago I was convinced again on the bullshit there was so much better out there for me and we’ll be there for you and yadda yadda yadda. Well nothing says put up or shut up like a look in the eyes, the eyes never lie. I had to see who my allies were, and what I had left from my vanishing. Over the years by either my wife herself or the strain of my wife’s behavior everyone I knew and cared about disappeared.

My facebook was quiet, my social life was a pile of rubble. I guess my wife did that so i could be forced to only speak to her. Another form of control and abuse. I always encouraged her to have friends, I really was never worried about who she talked to, and at this point in time I didn’t care who she talked to. I was just glad she wasn’t to me, I was fucking sick of her. Same old stories, same old lies, same old bullshit. She felt as phony to me as a 3 dollar bill. Her I love you’s were so meaningless at that point I just didn’t believe her, I couldn’t believe her, How can you believe somebody that hits you and lies to you? It all had to be sorted. The house was 4 against one being me, I needed some distance to remain safe. From that distance and my wife’s dedication in keeping me, maybe this could be restored someday. But certainly not now.

The Tax return drops, and this time. I kept it. I bought the work van I currently drive with it. I paid in enough to that house over the fucking years. I was supporting a house full of people that hated me. But if you want to get specific I was supporting kaitlynn and all the people she liked, namely her family. The van was originally 17k, I talked him down to 13k cash. Not a bad buy. 40,000 original miles. This thing would do just fine. I sold the old van for a grand and sold the go kart, nobody drove it anyway. I thought it be good to send it to a good home. George drove the new one to his job till I absolutely needed to get it in the shop to go out of state, and he repaid his debt to me. I made the repairs it needed, and i got a stereo put in the thing and for the first time in my life I could dock my phone with it to play my music. It was the greatest investment I ever made. I still love that stereo.

It started to feel good to say fuck everybody I am doing this for me was starting to see why everyone was into it. My life and my marriage may have been a fraud, but this shit, this I could do. It was long overdue. Towards the end before I left however, My heart started to go out to them again. I worked so hard and so long

to support them. I felt like leaving them in the lurch would be just as rotten as they were to me. I made a promise to look after her, I made a promise. Just because hers didn’t mean shit didn’t mean she still didn’t love me, she was just sick is all. Sick and out of control. Just like I was many years ago. Just like I was now. The only person who had the sense left to walk was me. You just can’t do that forever.

My wife finally did start going to a group at some point. It changed little, she even started to take medication again. Some days she would take it, some days it wouldn’t. It had really little to no effect. She was in a terrible downward spiral, she needed something more serious. Looking to me for help at this point was just fucking laughable at best. I was just a bastard at this point. She even admitted she had a habit of destroying everything trying to get close to her. Well she did. I was a changed man. As much as i tried to be sympathetic, I just could not. I had enough of all the fake apologies for the hitting, I had enough of all the lies. Looking in the mirror at who i was I spit in it. I was the abuser now, I was the liar too, I was the thief. I was the destroyer. This was not who I was, this was never who I was. I worked on myself all of these years to not be this kind of person to who I loved. I knew she couldn’t love me anymore acting like that. I knew now because I didn’t love her anymore. I was beaten. She broke me, drove my friends away, destroyed everything I was, everything that gave me joy, everything that repaired me. I truly had nothing but her, and she was a destroyer of men.

My anger management class finally came to a close, he let me out 2 classes early and said I don’t need to be there anymore, he wasn’t sure I ever did need to be there. Everyone in there had jail records, probation officers, forced to go, second trip to the class even a 3rd in one guy. By the end of the class I was up in the front talking to the guy and helping others best I could, I was actually kind of liking it. I learned so much not just from the teacher, but from the students. I knew exactly how I didn’t want my life to end up, like these people. A crazy woman is not worth jail time, period. I was so happy, I was free to leave.

So I left. My notice was in, the date was set, I was packed. I left behind some things of course. Well I left behind everything. They needed that shit a lot more than I did. I had a means to get what I wanted i could work. They either could not or would not. The van was all I really needed. So my tools, my clothes the goodbye’s and off I went. I don’t remember it all really, but I know I cried driving out. I didn’t want this to be the end, but it just had to be. She would not change. I couldn’t fight with her anymore.

I did change out my cell in Kentucky, but I also kept in contact with my wife on Skype. This situation was much better for control, when she started yelling or degrading, I could just block her and space myself. I needed the time to heal, I needed the time to feel like a person again. Not a work mule, not a paycheck, not

a chump, not a sucker. Just needed to feel special and loved by someone.

Although in retrospect at this time, I had way to thick an armor. I trusted no one. It was the main reason to visit these people. I needed to find myself again, and I needed to know if I could have a life through anyone again where i would and could be healthy, happy, and loved. Not lied to, not used, not abused. A home.

The space alone apart from my wife already began to work enough. I missed her. I missed the idea of what could be, what I always wanted us to be, I missed chasing my dream in her. Abandoning her to find her own way was definitely not my first choice, I just had no strength to fight any longer, and I still had a grandmother to be strong for. I was filled with hope my grandmothers love could break my anger, my hatred, my bitterness and restore me back to my former glory. Her love, my grandparents love always seemed to do that, I hoped it would again.

The stay with my parents was nothing but love, I spoke nothing of my wife, or the situation. I just was not ready, wasn’t sure i ever would be. My mother however by this time was finally accepting of my marriage although she didn’t understand why I would leave her to do this. I just explained that it was a choice and something I felt I had to do, and I left it at that. My wife began talking more, and I explained to her what I wanted and what i needed. The first thing was to get help for the hitting. It really was my only focus at this point, I figured I took all the other shit for all those years but the hitting was the last straw. If we could at least unwind that, the rest may sort itself. It felt good to see them again, I had no idea when i could see them again or if I would see them again. I knew what i was going home to, a lot of sorrow.

In the meantime I was contacting Andrew to go through Indiana, but I have no idea what happened. The trip cancelled. Not only did he back out he wasn’t even speaking to me anymore. I have no idea why to this day but that was it. I haven’t spoken to him since. Life goes on, and it was going to have to go on with him.

Next stop was Wisconsin. It was good to see Kam again, but I noticed right away she had a sorrow all over her. Quite a drinker too. It just goes to show the facebook perception of a person can be very different to the person they are everyday. Her fiance’ mike was a real nice guy. I kind of liked him, but I kind of didn’t. He kind of had this stubborn arrogant way of doing things that had no bend to them. Kam just followed his shit like a puppy. I learned over the years flexibility is what makes you attractive. Rigid behaviors ruin relationships. But they were still in the honeymoon phase. So be it.

I will admit though, we had a lot of shit to do together, she planned the time out well. Boat trips, restaurants, parks, met her mother, even went and took the pistol out for a jam. First time i ever got to practice with it, turned out she was a better shot than i was. The mother and me kind of buried the hatchet without words,

and life went on. The breaking point was the night at the fountain. Well honestly before that. The first thing that got me was when i caught her going through my cell phone. I set it up though. I acted like I was going outside to take my insulin and I forgot my needles. I came back in and it was in her hand, she came up with some lame excuse but hey, can’t blame a gal for being curious I guess. Woman can claim to have trust all day long, but it’s what they do when the temptation is there that really define the kind of women they are. Old trick, I use it a lot. That’s why I never bother to lock my phone. It tells me a lot about their character.

The evening in her backyard with mike was a big conversation about the relationship I was in and how unhealthy it was. They were trying to convince me why I needed to end it and i said I was not ready to give up on it yet. They asked why when you could spend all the time helping or being there for somebody who actually could or does want to benefit from what you have to offer? you could have made a difference in a hundred lives by now instead of no difference with this one life? My answer was if I dealt in mass quantities, why would I have ever wasted my time with kam? She years and she’s still not finished? I believed in my wife’s potential, I believed in her heart, she was just broken right now, and so was I. Point made, I went home.

puitt’s nest was great trip, but also a bad conversation. Kam started to say something to me I had heard oh to much over the years about who I was and how I felt inside, and how I just couldn’t work through everything and be normal because I was too weak or some such bullshit. I wrote about it in a little more detail in my present entry of September 2015 on her birthday. But it hurt, it hurt for a good while. It was painful to know she would never be close to me again. We were not the same people anymore. I didn’t need a mentor, i needed a healer. I certainly wasn’t taking any advice from someone who couldn’t spend a day sober. Don’t fucking tell me about reality if you cannot even live in it.

On to Michigan. I came in like Santa Claus. Justin needed so much shit it wasn’t even funny. He was really bad off. I took care of him best I could I certainly wasn’t loaded with cash but I got him a few creature comforts. The week was spent with me majorly sleeping and taking a million showers in his place because he had the most awesome water pressure in the world. I even cleaned his kitchen. It was good to rest here, I really needed to recharge, The nights were spent smoking weed and listening to music and just hanging out. We never went anywhere fancy, never did anything extraordinary, I just enjoyed the company of my brother, it had been a very long time. Defiantly the best part of the trip, and that is why he was last. The only X factor was Kathleen. She was seriously talking to Justin, and they got pretty close. Justin had this huge crush on her, and as soon as we got on Skype he started telling me he could tell she still had the hots for me. I was like bullshit but turns out in retrospect he nailed it. I mean fuck I didn’t even know if I wanted to divorce her, I wasn’t even thinking about it by the time I got to Michigan. Just the dream of her was heavy in my heart, I just knew

we were not finished yet. I couldn’t let her go. But yes, I went on to PA. This was the first time my heart did not sink when I crossed the state line. I was actually looking forward to coming back.

The vibe when i got home was way different than I expected. She didn’t seem as happy to see me, was almost pissed because i took so long to come up. She was bitter, she was more hateful, the love was just not there like she was telling me on the phone. Honestly it crushed me. My port of harbor was destroyed. It left with Bruce I guess. He was in the home, and I had a lot of work to do with odds and ends and a giant short list of all the shit she was complaining about. I figured if I got it done, she would be ok and go back to old self. It never happened. I was out of the fire and into the kettle. Jesus. But it was ok, I owed them, I said I’d be there, I would be.

So out comes Kathleen on day 2 of me being home to hang out, and I figure i would at least have a friend here. We smoked some weed and hung out on the porch just catching up like kids in high school. I told her next time I’d go to jersey so we could keep it fair and she was ok with that. She seemed like she wanted to help, like she wanted to care for me, patch me up and help me lick my wounds you know. Well one evening were stoned and I’m rattling off on all my problems and passing out. It felt so good to be held, just be held. Just to be talked to nicely, just to be treated like a fucking person instead of having fire blown on me every 10 seconds. She ended up giving me oral sex, and it didn’t feel right but in all my confusion and the drugs I guess I just went with the moment. Kathleen had other ideas however. She began to pressure me into a relationship. She automatically assumed we were in one or anything more than friends and I had to put the fucking brakes on that. I told her I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be done with my wife for Christ’s sake, I was confused and i didn’t come up here for anybody but my grandmother, I needed to focus on that. Nothing else needed to be on my plate, and I needed time to sort it. I said I’d call her when i figured it out. We never spoke again.

I picked up work with swartley, it was ok but not what I wanted to do really, company was a bunch of assholes. The guy I worked with was great, it was everyone else that showed up. My next company was back with mylestone electric. I loved working for myles before, and I was real happy to be back with him. Felix was gone however which i found odd. But more on that later. The money was badly needed I had bills to pay, including my wife’s. It wasn’t so bad at first, I left her money when I left the state and she was making good use of it, pinching her pennies, or so I thought.

Depression and loss began to set in, I had no one to count on in my immediate presence to keep me whole. I was counting on my grandmother, but she failed. She was lost in her own misery. I just had no one to turn to. My trip home was

fruitless. I needed help, I needed someone to help me. I really felt defeated. So I began to have the sinking feeling I would not survive in my current state. I started to want to die. My dream was gone, my hope was fading, my life ahead was a dismal future, she was never going to change. I was never going to heal. The last of me was dying. But all of this just could not be in vain, it could not be for nothing. Someone had to know why. Nobody ever really listened, no one ever took all of me. No one ever accepted me as a whole. I do not think anyone ever could. But my life on the net, gave me a solution. I launched this site, and decided my entire life in all of it’s good, all of its bad, all of the dark, all of the light, all of my past, all of my present, my own very soul would be dumped on to this place. Then I would Die. I would die of exhaustion, I would die of failure, I would die of a shattered abused heart. No funeral, no grave, no obituary. Just this. This place. The hope it would prevent someone like me from ever being spawned on to this world again. I was nothing, i was unwanted, and my whole idea of this life with my wife was a fucking giant lie.

My wife would get upset at everything I posted on facebook, and she would get jealous at every female that ever said anything to me, or me to them. Even a Hey or a thanks babe. So in fear of having more people drove away I dropped her from it. I was spacing her further and further away and killing myself at the same time doing it. I was dammed if i did and dammed if i didn’t. I just was spinning in circles with nowhere to turn. I needed something close to me again, I needed to feel the value again, i needed to feel whole. Hell I would have settled for just feeling something other than pain and misery. So instead of facebook being and outlet for my thoughts, this place became my graveyard for them.

My wife had fucked up at the old place in Killeen, instead of her coming to me with the broken air conditioner problem for the house she decided to take the rent money to fix it, it still didn’t work and they evicted her. So all the money I had at that point went into helping her move to her current residence. I even had to hire movers to move the shed. The place was way more expensive, but I had a good job and it was about time the kids had a nice place to live in, grow up in and go to school. Maybe that would help her some. I think it did for a while, but it just made me feel more used. The more I paid out, the happier she was. Her love for me felt like it was on my dollar bills. I wonder what would happen if I ever ran out of cash? I was to depressed and ashamed of myself to ever want to know that answer.

My wife came up for my birthday this year. I booked a nice air bnb for a week and some and she really was beautiful when she got off the plane. She spent a lot of the week sleeping, and coloring for her therapy, she said her therapist said it was good for her. I tried to curl up to her a lot, she would just roll away. I spent a lot of my evening on the other side of the bed. We were distant, almost came to an argument. I started to leave and she threw my bag back in the house and I decided to try again. I stayed the rest of the time with her, and she really did try to

give me a beautiful relaxing birthday. Everything was still so fresh, but I had my doubt in its restoration. She just wasn’t there yet, she was reacting to the loss of me I think. She just didn’t want to lose me at that point. It was extremely hard to trust her, and under the surface I was watching her very closely. However I missed her very much. I swept all I could aside and just enjoyed the time. Despite it all I did, I really did. It was worth every penny. I still loved this woman, I just hated what was done to me. The part that did was going to have to go away. But in retrospect, the part that defended me against her needed to go away too.

Age 37- Fight now, cry later. Or in my case never.

At this point in time I knew we were all going to have to migrate back to PA. My instincts on my grandmother were usually pretty solid. I talked to the wife and the idea was to leave the kids in Kentucky with my parents until CPS closed the case. Then they would stay through the summer and my wife and I would go to PA, I would find work, find a place and transfer the kids. I just wanted my license before I left. I was working so hard on it. I was studying every day of the week, from the time I got home to the time I went to bed. I really dug in. Not because of my glory or anything. I wanted to know if I could provide for my family, if I could do what it took. I could always get by as an apprentice, but I never really committed to the trade. I was making a conscience choice to better my family, Our conditions were bad, and I was just fighting a losing battle trying to support these people. If I could get my license here, i felt I could get it anywhere.

Time did go on and the case did finally close when the agent on our case quit, the new agent laughed and closed it. CPS is the worst agency in the world. They have too much fucking power to do whatever they want to fuck with a family. A bad agent can really abuse their power and I feel that is what happened here. My wife was extremely non compliant and stand offish with these people, she had to deal with them a few times before in the past. To some degree, I believe it was warranted. But there is no law that says you cannot be a bad mother. Parenting

skills cannot be taught by a government agency.

My parents however, although weird with their religious beliefs and sometimes fanatical, still had a very loving relationship and a tranquil home, something me and my wife currently could not offer. The neighborhood we lived in was also a giant shit hole, but it was all I could afford, the wife did not work, and 600 a month support for a wife and 4 kids just didn’t cut much. Even with the food stamps. I was trying to go forward, not live check to check.

My wife however, just began to get bitter. But so did I. Over the years I noticed between what she told me was going on with her kids and what was actually happening differed greatly. Don’t get me wrong i always had to clean up the messes or suffer the brunt of their fuckups, but half the crazy shit they fucked could have been prevented if my wife stood behind me instead of teaching the kids to sneak around behind my back when they wanted to do whatever they wanted. It was exactly what my wife would do. When I didn’t want her to do something she would smile to my face with her fingers crossed behind her back and a shitty lie on why she couldn’t or wouldn’t. One of her favorite excuses was the house isn’t clean because I was throwing up all day. Sick people usually spend time in bed, not running around the house being angry and acting violent. Sick in the head people do that. Her only job was to keep the fucking house healthy and happy and raise her kids, why the fuck was this so hard for her?

She could certainly throw a fit about me ragging her about it, but it was her promise to me when we married. She keep the house, I’d win the bread. It wasn’t like she didn’t break a thousand promises before. Mainly I’ll never hit you again, I’ll never cut again, I’ll get help I promise. All the things an abuser says after the abused had enough. Same shit I always heard from my stepfather. I won’t hit you again buddy, I’m sorry buddy, I promise buddy. But now I was hitting back. Not only was I hitting back i was yelling back, degrading back, humiliating back, and hating her. Sometimes I even just clobbered her before she even got started. I just stayed in my books as best I could. I began to just accept this was who she was, and what i had to do to stay with her. I gave up on changing anything, I couldn’t make her do shit. She was about as submissive as a pitt viper. She just did what the fuck she wanted, and i just couldn’t stand the independence.

I couldn’t take the phony behavior, or the lies. Or the bullshit. Before I would just stick my head in the sand and just believe her bullshit. But over the years, the glaring contradictions just couldn’t be ignored anymore. Especially after I went to PA. I was always there for her and her kids, whatever they needed, whatever they wanted. When I put her in a position of needing her, she would just fucking collapse. It was all about her, it was all about what i could do for her, and what she could use me for. It was all about the minimum she had to do to shut me the fuck up. I was here killing myself above and beyond the call of duty, and she’d

pull my work clothes out of the hamper once a week and wash them to make sure I had them at least, but the 5 loads of the rest would sit in the hamper for ages.

She would cook dinner the last minute if at all, and I would have to rely on the kids to clean the house. So when the kids were gone, the house just looked like shit, what the fuck was she doing while I was gone all day? Sleeping, playing on the internet, watching t.v. Arts and crafts. Nothing to do to give a shit about me or the house, or the family, or her kids.

But when it came to disregarding rules, she would even help her kids do it. Example. Joe was supposed to go up, and not take his skateboard, he broke his wrist on it in 2 places. My parents weren’t skateboard trainers, and it was a long to a hospital from that house. I told my wife to check his suitcase and make sure it wasn’t packed. I get a call from my mom asking about if joe was allowed to have a skateboard and well, wtf? I’m a chump. My wife was no longer a wife, she was another child in the house I had to fight with. I was not the head of the house, she made that clear to the children, and Joe just ate it up. He took matt’s place sneaking out of the house, stealing, lying, coming home when he felt like it, getting into trouble, and fighting with me.

It all seemed like a game to her, seemed like it was becoming the life of lies she was painting for me, and the way she lived her life when I was not around. I never invaded her privacy, I always thought if I did I should just get a divorce. If you can’t trust your life partner, why the fuck are you even with her? The only thing she never broke was she loved me (however she could) she would never want another and she would never leave me. She would beg, she would cry, she would plead this mantra to me no matter what fight we had, no matter how bad I would give up, no matter how phony I thought all of it was, I thought this was genuine. These words, these things were true. The rest was all just part of her mental illness she refused to get help for. It takes crazy to handle crazy, and believe me . I was going crazy. So it was more like let the games begin, if she wants to game my ass with her bullshit, I’ll show her a better one. It was at this point it wasn’t about love for me. It was about payback, retribution, and vengeance. She told me things would be different, they were not. No matter where she was, no matter if she had all she needed, no matter if she had her family her friends, she just couldn’t measure up to what she said she could. She’d say anything to keep me around and I began to hate her for that.

My parents fucked me over too. They promised me they would keep the jesus shit down to a minimum and of course it was Jesus this and that every day. My mother for sure but not with jim. It had the effect I feared, it drove all the kids away from her. They loved jim, they couldn’t stand my mother. My mother even quit talking to me, she thought i sent them up there to pay her back for the shit she did when I was a kid. She wouldn’t even speak to me anymore. After my parents came up with idea of keeping the kids permanently that was it. My wife said go get them, and i had to agree. You don’t take someone’s fucking kids. No

matter who they are or whether or not you think it’s right. You don’t force kids into a religion. I mean what the fuck they turned the house into the inquisition.

By doing this, I told my wife this would have to effect the plan of leaving, I may have to go up alone. She didn’t care, and in retrospect i don’t blame her. Me and George took the trip again, and they came home.

This just solidified the end for us. I was no longer the man I thought I was. Maybe I never was and it was just sinking in. My wife’s constant betrayal, the backstabbing of her children, the minimal effort they were doing to improve the family or their lives, and my wife’s mental state and just general laziness to her service to me just made me feel like what in the fuck was I doing all this for? But I was going to get my license, I was going to get the money, and I was going to go home. My grandmother was constantly telling me how hard it was alone, and how she had time to think and calm down and she realized she needed help. I would talk to her for hours after work, and come home when I felt like it. The rest of my time was screwed in my books for my license, I was on a mission.

I did ask Karen to help me get Tammy in a mental hospital. I thought it be a good time to get her some serious help, and get her stabilized on some medication and aftercare. Karen said she would not commit her daughter, whatever. Like she didn’t know she fucking needed it. She was probably laughing like hell knowing what the fuck I was dealing with. So that was it, the wife was crazy, the kids and wife were liars, the kids were crazy minus Cody and kai, and there I was the nuthouse wrangler. Losing my mind too.

The tax return dropped again, and this time it was the storage shed, the new PC I desperately needed, my wife’s major pc upgrade, My glasses replace, and the lawyer fees to start getting my wife’s child support from her first husband Bryan who had not paid dick she the decree. I figured if she wouldn’t work, she could at least have that. We also purchased a lot of things for the kitchen, food dehydrator, French fry cutter, deep fryer, a large griddle, just stuff to make her life in the kitchen easier. Maybe she could get in to cooking a little more. She actually did, she started making a good recipe book and some really decent meals. If only she could clean up too, but she left that to the kids, and our dishes were always a fucking bio-hazard because they just like to look like they did a job, just like my wife. The actual job was a joke. Why care if their mother didn’t care? Just make it look like you did what you were supposed to, that’s all she did.

The drugs were getting more frequent, on the weekend I would start smoking pot more, it was the only thing I had to take the stress off, and it seemed to calm the wife down. We tried to do what we could, but we were just limping along really. I also finally began my anger management classes and started to learn a lot about charges and legal repercussions, and how to avoid fights entirely. I also stopped hitting. Instead I would leave, come home late to avoid a fight entirely, or I would get hit and leave. Either way leaving was all I had left to do. Once she knew that, she didn’t get less violent, she got more violent. Some examples:

My glasses: I was leaving to avoid a fight and she came outside and ripped my glasses off my face because she thought I couldn’t leave without them. I was going to drive anyway and she took my keys. I started walking and she kept trying to stand in front of me and pushing me. I’d walk around her and she would keep going. Finally she gave up, but she lost them and I never got them back. I had to wear my safety glasses till the tax return.

Then there was the grades incident. I used to reward the kids with good grades, Honor roll got you a dinner out, and of course i took the wife. The wife however, was more interested in being in a bad mood and acting angry about God knows what. So I just decided to cancel the whole thing. She then starts yelling because I was going to punish kaitlynn because we were fighting. So usually I never did this, but I suggested taking her alone. Normally the wife would have a fit if I went alone with the kids anywhere, she would get mad because she felt ditched I guess I don’t know. She said fine take her, so i did. Me and kai had a nice quiet meal, and I started to look through the menu to take something home to mommy. We picked a strawberry salad and a nice piece of cake for dessert. I was hoping to go home with a peace offering but the entire house was trashed, and she broke the coffee table I bought her. I got so pissed I threw the dinner out in the yard for the fucking cats, and kai went to bed crying anyway. You couldn’t win with her. You just couldn’t.

Cody was back to stealing, lying, and taking advantage of people but at least he was doing well in school. His problem was being bullied all the time. No doubt due to the mouth he inherited from his mother. Even when he was in Kentucky with my parents, he had problems getting along with kids in school. Joe never had this problem, but boy he sure did. My wife is asking me to help her father these kids, but yet she countermands everything I try to do. Why wouldn’t they just disrespect me? I remember when all these kids liked me, but it all came down to their mother. She’d tell me to my face how great i was, then tell the kids and her friends what a terrible person I was for sympathy, attention, whatever. Same trait as her mother. I never really started to take a hard look at all this shit until I came back from PA. Then the falling out with my parents, it was always like hey if I’m driving this bus, let me drive it. If you want it take the mother fucker but don’t expect me to just keep peeling out money for all of you to take me down to hell. I was trying to get ahead and all of them were just fighting with me against themselves, it just was so senseless.

Kaitlynn was the only one that kept me in this the whole year. She was always honest with me, she always cared about me, she never took a side, and she made it a point to get my approval. She had trouble with her academics and she was

always very sensitive, but I did my best to make sure she was the happiest little girl she could be in a pile of shit like that. I would tear those boys up especially cody when he gave his sister any shit for how she was. One time i was going out the door again, my wife wasn’t changing my mind. That little girl came into the bedroom when i was gathering shit up and said goodbye daddy. Hugged me so tight with a eye full of tears and she left. I just broke down. I stayed, I stayed for her. This was about the time she figured out that she could use her daughter to manipulate me.

Where I fucked up was my heart. It just got colder and colder. I stopped forgiving, i stopped loving, I started hating. I hated what they were doing to me, I hated how they took advantage of my trust, my hard work, my generosity, my kindness. I let them yes, but just because I said help yourself didn’t mean rob me blind either. Not just with money, but emotionally, I turned into a fucking ATM a janitor, a fucking regular Mr. fixit. All I got for my trouble was a load of misery from a miserable wife. She wanted me to be so lovey dovey and sweet to her, but yet she returned nothing. She could write a letter once in awhile, fill out a sweet card, or make some kind of home-made trinket. But try to cry on her shoulder for nurturing sometime, or just ask her when the strain is to great for help, or get fucked up and need her. She had no idea what to do. She was just too used to taking from people.

The last and final fight straw was the day I was studying as usual and she decided to take all my books and papers and throw them across the room because she felt her bitch was more important than my career, what else is new. She barley even patted me on the back for my GED, my license to her was just another thing to take attention away from her. So like every other thing she felt in competition or jealous of, it was time to destroy this too. It wasn’t happening. I said I’m going to get a place, I was too close to being ready. So I started to pack. When I was in the bedroom she started throwing shit and out of nowhere, a 5 pound candle hits me square in the face. Busted my lip pretty good. She runs in the bathroom and locks the door and hides. I am glad she did, if she didn’t I would have killed her. So that was that, out I went. Again.

I got a shared room in a house across town and had a nice quiet place with a card table and a set of sheets. All I did was dig my head in the books. The last week before my test I took my vacation and did practice exams from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. I wasn’t ignorant about it, I was coming back. Left most of my shit and saw her from time to time. But the result paid off. I got my journeyman license for the state of Texas. Passed first time out with an 83, the proudest moment of my life. I did it. I couldn’t believe it, I did it. despite all the bullshit, I did it. Hot damn. Not one party, not one pat on the back. Not one good job not one smile from any of them. Thanks a fucking lot. I moved back home, if you want to call it that. But it was just a couple weeks of things will change then it was right back to dog shit just a bit worse. I am so stupid. I was always stupid for

believing in these people, I just always really wanted to. With kaitlynn it was just something I had to do. Plus if I left them who the fuck would put up with all this bullshit and pay their bills? Personally by this time I couldn’t have cared if they all rotted for the way they were to me but kaitlynn was always the x factor. I really loved that girl.

So also while I am away studying my ass off and working, my wife and kids no longer on my stress level, I get a message saying how Joe finds himself a stray cat. The only thing on this earth I am still allergic to is fucking cats. I hate fucking cats. So what do they do they ask me I say no. They beg I say ok, but you better do good in school and be responsible for it. Listen to your parents blah blah or it goes. Sure, thanks dad. Yah I’m a great guy. Later on when the kids an asshole I tell him to get rid of it and the wife refuses. So now I’m a chump with a cat. Thanks for standing behind me wife. I can always count on you. It was just another slap in the face on who runs what and what I really am. The fucking paycheck. They did what they wanted, they lied to get what they wanted, and if I didn’t like it they did it anyway. Some family.

I get on a service truck of my own and get my wife’s’ nephew along as a helper, he was a good kid from Allen street. I always liked him. he was a lot older and had a few more problems, hut I thought of him as my son, and treated him as such. I even bought a PS4 when he broke his so he could come over after work and spend time with his aunt and cousins.

Matt during all this time was not doing so well at karens, He was cooking canned food on the sidewalk for dinners and the house had no electric or hot water. He was so funky when he came up I really felt sorry for him. So I offered him to come back home. But since he was of legal age there were certain things i expected from him. Responsibilities, finding a job, getting an ID, saving for a place of his own, things like that. Also gave him a list of chores to pay for his rent, a few weeks go by, and he’s up to his old bullshit again. Turns out he always was up to bullshit. Again, the wife and kids were doing his work for him behind my back to cover his ass. Well everybody’s doggie sometimes bites the hand it feeds. He bit my wife when he punched her for not going with her and the kids to the park when he felt like staying home and chatting to his internet girlfriends.

So from there he runs away, spends time at anybodies house that would take him in, and panhandles enough money to get a bus ticket to the Dakota’s to see some girl on the internet. Under age. Off his meds and his rocker, the father with a loaded gun drives him to the police station and drops him off. From there he gets arrested for defecating on the steps of a library and also gets charged with statutory rape. He was staying in a homeless shelter for a while, then moved out with a gay man who was attempting to have relationship with him, they got into a domestic and while all this is going down, I’m telling him it’s ok to ask for help

and come home if he needs too. He refused, instead he gave his father a call and went out to Virginia. He ended up getting thrown out and arrested, this time jailed with another statutory rape charge. The molested becomes a molester, and mom did a bang up job of raising her son. Good job mom.

So in comes Joe to replace the asshole that left, he decides to take a swat at his mom and I put his ass to the ground, i told him if he ever came back I’d kill him. Another mother fucker who decided if mom didn’t listen to him I don’t have to either. Never mind the fact these fuckers never had a father, never-mind the fact they ever even had a provider, a mentor, a caregiver, a supporter. It was just hey I am supposed to do all this? who fucking says I am obligated to do jack shit for any of those ungrateful fucks? You don’t even respect me why the fuck should I do anything for you? It wasn’t like their mother was even standing with me, not fucking once. I get it, I really do. I got the ring on I ain’t going anywhere so we can treat him any fucking way we want. When shit went down it was what can we do to bribe him to shut him the fuck up and he’ll keep paying for us? It’s all it was, just chump and bribe of the chump.

So now he runs to a friend’s house, and tells them a pile of lies about me and the parents call me. they say if I don’t go up there they are calling CPS on me, so i do. Turns out Mr. innocent face was telling them nothing but a pile of bullshit about how I was treating him, and making himself look like the poor abused kid who was living in tyranny, well what do you know, first time since that family ran their fucking mouths about me with all the bullshit it bit them in the ass. So now I got the whole story from all of them, I just tried to focus on my job. I worked later hours, sometimes I would site in the park until after dinner then go home. It just seemed to work better. I ignored her texts, I ignored everything from there. I just didn’t want to be there anymore.

It was also around this time Joe got himself in some trouble with the cops and ended up with a fine for trespassing on some railroad tracks i think, but who really knows the story. I suppose in his infinite wisdom he figured if his mother could get away with the dumbest shit he could to. He tells me he wants to go back out to Kentucky because he liked my parents and he wanted the opportunity to grow. I was so like bullshit this was just an amazing staggering pile of bullshit. I looked at his mother and i could tell she was in on this shit. Only from her mind could they think i was this stupid. So I have a call to my parents who were finally talking to me again and here come to find out he’s been talking dirty to a girl he was sweet on out there up at some trailer park. Swell. So I tell him if he really wants to get out on his own, go to fucking Job corp. JT his cousin did and he loved it. so he did. That was that. It was the first smart choice he made his whole life. I even said if he went to job corp I would pay his fine, Did that too. Your fucking welcome. The lying fuck.

I was also hearing about Kambrea every now and again, and it just dawned on me. She’s a fucking cunt no matter how I act or what I do. She never kept a damn promise to me, she never was even true to me? why the fuck am I honoring my end of leaving her go if she can’t shut the fuck about her? So I started calling her again, even Justin more, Kathleen, Nanny, anybody. I spent as much time as I could talking to anybody about anything. Of course all of a sudden when she knew I was she’ll change she’ll stop. Fuck you, too late. I knew what she really thought of me, too many whispers over the years were finally adding up to a roar.

I felt so out of place, so lost so lost inside of myself, so cold. I had no idea what the fuck she was anymore, but she was quickly becoming nothing to me but a rat on my neck. These fucking people took enough from me. I had nothing to show for it but a few trinkets and some empty pockets.

So now it’s Cody’s turn to start losing his marbles. I caught him stealing again and he also was having the trouble of hitting his sister. So one night I lost it. We tried spanking him, he would fight his way out of it, and it just wasn’t working, so I decided to tighten him up. He decided it was good time to grab a knife out of the kitchen and try and stab me. It didn’t end well, and that was the end of him in my book.

I just gave up on all of them, they were all liars, all self centered, and none of them gave a fuck about me , just what I was providing. I was another fucking welfare check to these people. Behind my back I was the biggest joke on facebook to all my wife’s internet friends, her friends in real life, I tried I don’t know how many times to get answers from, they all acted like they never talk to her. I mean what in the fuck? what the fuck was i? Here i was in someplace I wasn’t I was just needed. I wish people could understand what that feels like. Used. Just used up.

It was so hard to tell what was a game and what wasn’t anymore. Everyone I was talking to was telling me they didn’t even recognize me, this wasn’t me. I never had such a low self esteem, such a depression, such an uncertainty, such a broken spirit. Nobody around me noticed, nobody cared. Just what’s it going to take to shut him up. Hours i spent in my own work van, just wondering how I was going to get through this.

Whatever was to be the outcome, I knew I couldn’t do this the rest of my life, i just fucking couldn’t. I really wished somebody would step in and help us, help me. But it just a big laugh to everyone to watch me go down the toilet and my wife to act any way she felt like. They all enabled her, and I got the aftermath.

Age 36- When you find yourself weaker, get stronger or get crushed.

Matt was out of the pavilion, but he wasn’t getting any better. I tried yet again to give him some space and privacy in that crowded place were stuck in. I used to let go out to my van with an extension cord and use a tablet and a lamp but again even with the counselors and the medications he couldn’t stop perving on little girls. He was getting older to, a little too old. He was also stealing, and doing his usual lying and defiance to the rules I laid down in the house. His brothers were growing tired of his arrogance and general laziness. I was also growing tired of his bullshit. I started clamping down on him and restricting things like if he didn’t get home in time for dinner, he couldn’t eat. Things like that. Also imposed a curfew if he was not home by a certain time he might as well not come home.

This is when his mother my wife started to protect him. I imagine she thought I was being to hard on him but I wouldn’t take his shit, his disrespect of the house and the family, and his smart fucking mouth. I did a lot for that kid when I didn’t have to. We would fight about his behavior a lot, it really started to rift us. But this was only the beginning.

I couldn’t get ahead at all with my checks and it was really starting to pinch on me. The more overtime I worked, the harder I worked, the higher the bills would go or the more shit they needed or broke. It was a losing battle. My next choice was to make more money. The only way i could do that was my electrical license.

So I began to study hard on my own time for my GED. I never graduated high school, and a lot of places wanted something, so it was time for me to go get it.

Around this time Matthew, who was supposed to be responsible for his siblings decided to ditch them one day at a park and come home, I sent his ass right back to go get them and as hes riding across a busy highway he gets hit by a car. From what was said he just rode out into the street without looking. Was an ambulance ride to the hospital and he walked away fine. The owners of the car however tried to get me to pay for the cars damages. The wife made a phone call to their insurance company and reported what they were doing. That ended that.

My wife and I on top of the swinging from time to time which really was the only time I got to recharge started going to a private club for a swing party once a week. The people there were really friendly and i really enjoyed the time out with her. We even got to dress up. It really was great aside from the late night outing we’d take to get something to eat and relax, or just curl up on the couch together. It really made all the bullshit go away. Her domestic submission skills were lousy, but her bedroom skills had a lot of promise. She was like a duck to water as long as all the attention was focused on her. So rarley was I ever involved with another woman and if I was she wasn’t anything I was really attracted too. She would also have a habit of sabotaging meets of women she may thought might be some kind of competition to her. She wouldn’t like them, and that usually ended it. I started to realize i was not domming her sexually, she was domming me. Even when we were solo just us she had no problem saying what she didn’t want until I found something she did. I just ignored most of it, she was still getting her feet wet, and at least she was further than most partners I ever had. She also had no problem keeping me happy ultimately one way or the other in that department.

The house would get messy from time to time and i had to keep on top of her for it, but she would do it for the most part eventually. I really started to get sick of bitching about it. who the fuck wants to come home from a hard day’s work to a pig sty? We took trips to the store and wal mart every week sometimes twice, remember she didn’t drive. We had a great Christmas though, plenty of gifts and kids were happy. Even decorated and had a tree.

Matthew however, had other plans in how he was going to run his life. He started going over to some girls house and said it was for tutoring and studying after school but it was all bullshit. He was trying to play grab ass with her and it didn’t work out. One night as he was coming home he got hit by a car again. So I go down and pick him up, the ambulance said he was fine and I asked if he wanted to go get checked anyway he said no. So home we went again. This fucking kid was a total handful and I was really getting tired of his bullshit.

But somehow, in the middle of all this crap, I got my ged early February of this year. I was really proud of myself the test was brutal. I almost failed the math, and the science was fucking tough. The only thing else I can mention on it is the essay. We were all given random questions and mine was who in your life living or dead would you show your accomplishment to and why. I said my dad. I wrote a long story about his life and how proud I hoped he would be of me. The essay got a 100 and there wTere even teardrop stains on it. I knew I could write, I always did. But that was the best part of the test.

The first tax return I ever saw since I met my wife came that year. Up to now I never cared and let the family have it, namely the mother. After what she did with last years i think I’ll keep this one. We got ourselves a big beautiful memory foam mattress and box for our bed, till now we were sleeping on a lousy air mattress, also beds and mattresses for the kids that had lousy ones, some clothes for them,, paid off the bills and of course some new toys and sex gear for me and the wife. Also purchased new bicycles for all of them. I also with my usual 2 grand I got back bought myself a few small tools and a heavy ass bosch combihammer for driving ground rods with an inverter. Man it really helped out a lot.

Matt was out of fucking control. He came in one night with his usual attitude and picked a fight with me. I had enough, I went out to the kitchen and started my usual speech on how if he don’t like it here he can go back to Karen. He took a shot at me and I just beat the ever loving shit out of him. I even grabbed a folding chair and started to club him on the floor with it. Fuck that mother fucker. I had enough of his bullshit. I didn’t care how stupid he was, how retarded he was, or how fucked up he was. Get over it or get the fuck out. From here I had enough, Between the wife lying for him and defending him, her fighting with me, verbal and physical, all the lying she was doing for him, and the general piece of shit state the house was turning into from her being lazy as fuck all, I had enough. I got an RV to rent on bunny trail in Killeen and moved out, that’s when I found out the little faggot called CPS.

He told them I threw him out and made him stay under a bridge and he was hunting raccoons for food or some fucking bullshit. Well we acquired the world’s worst cps investigator, and she barred me from my own property. If I was caught there they would take the kids from my wife.

When I got the bikes, they picked them out at Wal-Mart, and they parked them in the kitchen. I asked them to get them out of the house and in the backyard by the time I got home, there wasn’t any room. So of course when i came home there still there. My wife was rushing to cook something she never got off her ass to do until 5 minutes before I came in as usual and I just started complaining, so she took them and threw them in the back yard like an asshole and we started fighting. She walked in to hit me and I pushed her down on her ass. I then started to grab my work clothes and my insulin to go sleep in my van yet again for the night as I often had to do and well she yanked them out of my hands and threw them away and was telling to leave with nothing. I of course refused and she called the police. The cops show up and she hides in the bathroom. I go out to talk to the cops I tell them the story and they arrest me for domestic assault.

I had the money to get out, but a person arrested can’t post bail. My wife left me there to rot obviously after a few hours of nothing I had to find a bondsman. They bailed me out and I got lawyer. I went in the house grabbed some clothes and went to my brother Joe’s house. I stayed there for a few days arguing with my wife on getting the rest of my shit and she was being completely ignorant about it. The bondsman told me to call for a civil standby so I did. When I showed up her son Joe demanded the keys before I even went in the house, I refused and waited for the cop. The cop was agitated as it was, and told Joe to get the hell out of the way and sit down. The wife was not there and I started packing. She came in gave the cop a dirty look and Joe started running his mouth off again.

The wife then proceeded to argue with the cop and he said sit down or i will arrest you, she didn’t sit down she put her finger in the cops face, bad Idea. He started to arrest her she began resisting and he called for backup. It took 4 cops and they tazed her. They hauled her off and I finished getting my stuff. Some people showed up for all the kids but matt, and matt had no problem telling me what a piece of shit I was when he got out of his girlfriends car. Well this piece of shit called Karen and said I would pay the bond, Of course Karen wanted the money, she wanted to use her own bondsman. Probably so she could keep it when and get some or all of it back to put in her own pocket. She also made me pay for a fucking speeding ticket she got. She was bailed out soon as the judge came available. I wish she gave that kind of a fuck about me.

The lawyer got the DA to drop the case if I went to 6 months of anger management. I had the lawyer postpone the sentence to see if we could get it dropped completely. The wife tried, DA wouldn’t budge.

So I took the time to work extra hours, come home to the RV and study. I picked my wife up on weekends, and we still were able to function as husband and wife, even had a swing party or 2. Seems the space from matt was chilling me out again, and the rest away from the house was recharging me. So all I had to do was wait for CPS to close the case do anger management, and it was over.

At some point Matt had a fight with his mother, It got physical and he was sent down to live Karen. That was that for a while. He was just to bullheaded to do what he wanted, and with my wife lying for him and coddling him and not standing behind me I had no position to alter his direction anymore. I was just something to be used and lied to. With him out of control I refused to support him any longer, he was going to have to make his own way. The fight with my wife

I got a call in July, it was my grandmother. Bruce had a heart attack. A massive one. It didn’t look like he was coming home. Nan was saying she was going to go stay with my uncle ter’s daughter tan, and everything was going to be ok, she didn’t need help. 2 weeks later the orders changed to I need you up here. So I dropped everything let my job know I was going for a month to settle all this out, and I would be back. I closed up bunny trail and got out of the lease and went home on a flight with the greatest of speed. I asked the lawyer to keep postponing my case, they said no problem.

Up to this point I was in the service department helping 3 trucks. I was the attic rat for every job. The summers were unbearable and I was killing myself trying to keep up so to be honest I needed the vacation. They told me the position may or may not be available when I came back. They had to hire 2 people to replace me.

My wife held down the fort, even manage to get some money to help keep the bills paid but it wasn’t enough. Up to this point with all the toys and lingerie she had I thought maybe she could webcam strip from home. It would give her a lot of attention she craved maybe even help her self esteem and make her some money.

I was always trying to get her to do something to help make money. I knew how depressing it was to be so broke all the time and if anything ever happened to me she needed to learn how to care of herself and the kids. Not to mention bilking my ass every month for more and more money was starting to get old, no matter how much she did to compensate me for it. Mainly sexually, trust me she had a fit if I asked her to wash a dish. She made her kids do just about everything. So she did a few shows, things were working out, I even hung out in the rooms too to watch her, she was a real sweetheart, I would have bought her.

When I got up to PA it was a fucking NIGHTMARE. Nanny snapped like a rubber band. She was mad she was crying and she had no idea what to do. She just was screaming Bruce is going to die get rid of everything and I can’t stay here I can’t afford it blah blah blah. So she was little to no fucking help. Tan changed her mind and decided not to take her after I showed up and she realized she can’t steal anything. So I was the only one to do all this shit. Clean out a 3 floor house 1 basement house that hoarded 3 generations of shit, garbage, memories, doors I never opened, places i never been. So up to me to be the hero again, the whole time I was saying to myself you fucking see? I knew this shit would happen, I fucking knew this shit would happen. Now I have to drop my life my wife my kids my fucking career to sort it out. FUCK I HATE BEING RIGHT!

So here we go, I start by getting a giant roll off dumpster, the biggest I could find and begin working on the attic. Floor to ceiling this place was packed with

garbage. I started chunking all the garbage into bags shit of no value and

dropping it out the window and lugging the bags to the dumpster. This is where tan finally quit. As I find anything that can sell for anything, I put adds on Craig’s list, called antique dealers, anybody. I even called some scrap metal collector and they had a ball emptying all the shit out of that place. They made a pile of money and even took some shit for their place. But nanny was fucking killing me, now I had to find a place for her to go too. On top of all of this I had to go through assets and sort the estate.

So while I’m working on the attic, My evening are spent going through every drawer and shelf in the house, stuffing anything paper into trash bags and piling them in the dining room to be gone through for bank accounts, stocks, insurances, whatever. I also had to get a lawyer for the application to medicaid and sort out a will and power of attorney. I only had so much time to liquidate his assets and use the money to find nan somewhere to go. Then the bombshell drops. Apparently brace has about 20 grand in stocks and IRA and a 250,000 dollar life insurance policy. I am like holy fuck. Medicaid is going to love this. But all is not well here, things have problems. As brace was losing his mind and not telling anyone, he was letting shit go.

He let the house go to the tax collector a few years ago, they were now renting it. His grandfather bought that house and it was all paid off. It just made no fucking sense, it still doesn’t. Next was the life insurance, he let the payments lapse. I tried like hell to get it back, but prudential was not having it, they laughed all the way to the bank and kept his money. They refused to underwrite him due to his health currently. So it was worthless. I managed to save my nan’s small policy though. Barley enough to bury her. With the power of attorney and wills in place I started to liquidate his mutual funds, and his IRA.

Also during all this I am dealing with estate sales brokers, antique people, flea market people, yard sale people, and anyone who would buy anything. Including the furniture. I am falling the fuck apart. I am so worried for my wife, I know she was lonely and struggling, and since the camgirl thing was working out I thought I would reward her with the same kind of thing she would reward me with. I told her to find a nice couple to spend time with I could voyeur too on webcam, the more we talked about it the more fun it sounded. So she found a couple, it really didn’t take long. A single female swinger that has some looks can get a list a mile long believe that. Unicorns are everyone’s prize.

So the night came, and I waited. She showed up and I had no call. I called her after a half hours and the female of the couple answered the phone and was obviously fondling her like crazy. She said thank you for the gift and we’ll take great care of her, I was woah let me talk to my wife please. She did and I said baby, what are you doing? you sure this is what you want? she said yes, I want this. I said are you sure? she said yes again. So I said ok and hung up. They

started sending pictures, pics of my wife having sex with them. I never felt so crushed in my entire life. My wife was having sex with a couple without me, in a different room in a different house. This went against all the rules we laid down, every one. If I ever did anything like this she would have left me. I didn’t even look at the pictures any more I couldn’t stand to. But I said if this is what she wants, I will have to find a way to accept it. I mean maybe she was experimenting, maybe we were going to redefine how we swing or what we do, I don’t know. But I needed something to get my mind off of it, and I needed it now.

I called my cousin bobby and begged him to pick me up, i waited outside and chain smoked till we got to the bar. I slammed 3 triples of Jim beam straight and listened to my cousin rattle off about Jesus for the next 2 hours. I didn’t hear a word he said, I’m thinking Jesus god how could my wife do this to me? how? Jesus god how? I stayed till hour 3 when the bar closed, my phone never rang once. When I got back to bridge street I called 12 times before she picked up. I burst into tears, I told her please go home, go home now. She said ok. She called me on the way and when she got in. I wept like I never wept before my whole life.

I told her what happened I told her how I felt, i told her how much it hurt. I wept so loud my nanny was wondering what was wrong. I told her I was drunk and just sad. My wife, my love my soul mate. She could do it, she could have sex with somebody else without me and not care. It was my first realization that I wasn’t special, she didn’t feel how I felt she couldn’t. She fucking couldn’t. She was not the one. It all became very clear that night. She loved what I did, not who i was. Not what i was. She punched right through Vincent and damaged the inner most being of who I was. She destroyed me. In the middle of all of this, when I needed her the most, she destroyed me.

She says they spiked a drink of absinthe they gave her to drink and I said they fixed you a drink and you drank it? I mean what in the blue fuck? You never take fucking drinks from strangers. Fucking common knowledge. She also said that this was her mistake and she would let me one day make this caliber of damage right and make it up to me. I told her to stop cam stripping, and I didn’t swing anymore for a very long time after. But never with a couple again. Ever. In one night she just destroyed everything in me. I still had a fucking job to do. The girl from the couple called the next day because my wife told them she was not to see them anymore. She tried to apologize and explain her point of view and I said I do not accept it as kindly as I could and explained how she and her man ripped my heart out and violated my trust. Never spoke again.

The next day I spent shaking like a leaf and battling with this unbelievable pain in my gut. I raided the basement for home made wine and just kept going. I was on the second floor, clean out the bedrooms, also around this time I was looking for an apartment, it didn’t go well with her dog and her smoking habit nobody wanted either. So now I was looking at trailers, and found one we could buy after days of looking. I am down to the first floor now, I sold all of Bruce’s coins and jewelry according to nanny she didn’t even want his watch, and was selling off the furniture pieces. I had my uncle Gar who thankfully was real estate agent broker the purchase for the trailer. It was to be in Phoenixville. My uncle ter promised to pick her up and take her to shopping and the doctors, he was the only one that could.

Next was the first floor, and tan managed to come back around and sell some shit off. She said a guy would be by with a trailer, I helped the guy load up all the shit I’d get little to nothing for, and who knows what she did with it, or the money. I never saw a dime, and neither did nan. Also My uncle ter needed to pick up his shit from the attic and the basement. He was trying to get me to sell it all for ridiculous prices, I could not. Also I let my uncle randy’s family know to pick up his shit, or it was going in the garbage. His son finally showed up with some of his kids and his wife kim, and the kids helped me do the basement. We were on our second roll off dumpster. He promised to come back and buy some of the furniture, he never did.

I was down to the basement, which was a cadre of tools and about 500 gallons of home-made wine. The family had been making it for years. Shit as old as 1950 still corked, still there. I asked ter what to do with it and he had no clue, I’m like swell this outta be fun. I couldn’t pour it all out it take forever. So I put an ad for free home-made wine on Craig’s list and OH MY GOD. It was all gone in 2 days, so many people showed up it was insane. I asked for donations made a couple hundred bucks. I even had a guy ask to take the cast iron tub for scrap, I told him he could have it if he helped me get rid of the empty bottles in the basement, he sure did. Even had a guy come by and buy all Bruce’s tools for 200 bucks. Had a newlywed couple and an antique dealer buy the mason jars and a few barrels. I did it, the house was clean.

We settled the trailer, and I bought Bruce a funeral bond. I did it, I liquidated and protected just about every dollar they had left. I did it, I got nanny her new place to live, it wasn’t much but it was the only thing she could get with the money she had. The last thing was the move, thank the lord for my cousin bob, my mom’s family showed up for pizza and moved us all in one shot with the truck I got rented. So from there it was installing the electric stove. Nan didn’t want gas. But it was all done, I didn’t even had time to ciy except the night my wife ripped my heart out. But not for them. I went home a changed man, Changed forever. I never got right again. Not for a number of years. Nanny was safe, alone and happy. All I had to do was manage the estate and I could do that from Texas.

So eventually my uncle ter with all his moaning backed out of taking nan shopping, so I found her a visiting nurse service that would take her to see her husband, and shop for groceries. She was all set I just had to pay her bills. We stopped going to the club, we stopped everything. I just spent my days dug into

my books and focused on studying for my electrical license. The party was over. I would be colder than I ever felt I could be, Me and my wife became estranged, and the bond became replaced with abuse.

One of our biggest problems in retrospect was how we dealt with anger. I have learned now that when someone is angry the best thing to do is understand their point of view and be passive accepting, forgiving, and loving. When my wife was angry I would respond with anger. When I was angry she would also respond with anger. From time to time I would take the high road, but she never did. She would always try to vindicate herself with placing blame or guilt or just make up absurd shit to say I was wrong. Sometimes this lead to blows, sometimes it was just her hitting, sometimes, just me, sometimes both of us. With the kids in the middle it was no way to live. But this was just one of the problems.

When I came back to work I was put back into construction, I began to work on a sleep center for 2 great bosses, Steve and panama. They loved my work and held onto me very tight. I bailed them out of a lot of problems with solutions I was now absorbing from my electrical course. I was surpassing the guys on the job and stood out. But this job, this job turned out to be the most amazing of them all, It’s where I met my 2nd brother and amazing friend George.

He showed up on the job and we passed by each other a few times, he seemed to know something. Turned out he worked on houses for another company for some time. It was a cold day and I was eating lunch by the heater and George was there warming up. He asked me a couple of questions about bending pipe and nobody ever really asked me for anything before. I answered them, then I felt something pull at my heart. Something told me to help this man. So I did. I took my bender over and showed him some stuff, man the smile on his face he had. I knew than we were going to be good work friends. I started to show him commercial, the ins and outs joint work, all kinds of things. He took to it like a duck to water, and he always respected and thanked me for all I did show him.

We didn’t just have work talk, he told me he was in jail in Florida, he told me he was stealing semi trucks when he was on drugs and selling the contents. He got caught with a federal mail truck and got even more time for murdering a guy that tried to rape him in prison. We became very close, and he took my mind off my wife and the damage. Best of all, I had a new friend. Hell I had 2 panama loved me. I could still relax on the weekends with the wife in between the studying, but I started smoking weed every weekend, drinking, and occasionally and rarely dropping acid. The wife partook as well. We spent the time at home, healing from the weeks to come and the damage that would be inflicted in all areas. My weeks were almost better at work, and me and George were inseparable.

One day were driving home and he’s upset, his license he couldn’t restore, he

needed 300 for it. I pulled into a 711 and got it out for him. He said what’s that? I said it’s money, people use it to purchase goods and/or services with. He said what’s it for? I said it’s for you, take this and get yourself out of that mess, and pay me back when you can. He thanked God with a prayer, and he cried. I said it aint nothing I wouldn’t do for anybody I loved, and I love you man. You’re like a brother to me. Thanks to Jermaine way back in Georgia, I was rewarded with one of the greatest friends I would ever have next to Justin. He still is. That’s how it started.

But still, one more problem. We had to get the CPS case closed. The fucking bitch just would not close it. She was an incredible pain in the ass and matt was getting harder to deal with again. I talked to a lawyer and I went over options, the lawyer said if we got them out of state, they would have to close the case. My parents happily agreed to take them, all 3 of them. Case closed. It should have healed us, it should have restored us. But it did not. My friend George drove all the way to drop off them kids, and all the way back. What friend would drive 3 states away and 3 states back for you? no one. That’s why he was my brother. Friends are shit.

Age 35- The bill for my ignorance.

Sometimes no news isn’t good news. There is no avoiding war, it can only be postponed to the advantage of your enemy. Machiavelli wrote this in 1502. Had I known I had all enemies in this place, I would have never postponed the war sticking my head up my ass when I was in Pennsylvania. My wife never bothered to tell me. I also didn’t ask much. My wife gave me a few beautiful years in that state, I felt like I had to pick all of this up and put it back together. So I got to work.

We stayed at the ranch, The only money we had was kai’s child support and we did the best we could with it. Meantime I was looking for work, and helping around the house. My wife was helping me do the same when she wasn’t fighting with her mother or sleeping all day. Karen would ask her to cook a meal for her children and she’d throw some hot dogs in a pot and stamp off pissed. She didn’t want to do anything but be pissed and fight with Karen. I just asked her every day what she helps doing or what she needs done. First bit was watering the horses every day. Wasn’t a bad job just boring. I could see why the kids were sick of it.

The grandfather pulled me the room to talk to me. At this time the grandmother was in a home and I would take them all to visit whenever they wanted to go. So he starts telling me that he wants his van fixed, and how he needs a man to manage his money. He also said how he wanted me to take him to see a girlfriend of his, and he also said shit or get off the pot whatever the fuck that meant. I mean I am there for a day and this guy basically wants me to start raising hell with his estate and driving him to see whores. He also was really happy to show me his porn collection. Don’t get me wrong I like porn but not from an old man. I’ll find my own thanks i got internet. I just told karen about what he was telling me and let it go, he can be pissed if wants, bottom line is he wasn’t going to be around forever, and I for sure wasn’t messing with assets, or taking a guy to whorehouses.

So on top of the horses my domestics included cooking meals, doing endless loads of laundry, and fixing things here and there. Also combating the roach infestation

and cleaning out a lot of trash and junk just pack ratted all over the property for years. I went whether my wife helped me or not, I can’t just sit around all fucking day. Cleaned the sun room, the garage, the barn stalls, the yard, the house. Also fixed the bicycles for the kids, and rode the go kart around whenever I could with them. Seemed like the better the place looked the more pissed Karen got. She ended up barley being home as the tension got thicker, and the grandfather got more and more sick. Tried my best to stay out the way and avoid the gunfire, but the days in that house were just getting worse. Me and the wife discussed building a house on the property and the steps it would take to save this place from the bill collectors.

It was possible, but it would take a hell of a lot of work. I could see how much affection she had for the property, and I thought it be a nice place to settle for all of us one day. The mother however made it abundantly clear she was going to take the property and she did not want any help, especially from me. Well ok then. Since I had no luck with work yet I just kept going, fixing horse fences and anything else I could on the property. Cleaning all kinds of junk, and trying to salvage what wasn’t ruined stored in the open horse stables from Allen street. Kind of preparing for the eventual move we would have to take, I just didn’t know how or where as of yet. New year’s hit, and me and the wife had a great night with Tony and Kate, of course I had to complain because we were doing nothing, so I guess to shut me up she did something last minute and it worked out.

The fighting wasn’t just Karen and the wife, It was her boys and me. They hated me for taking their mom away, like I tried or something. It got to fists a few times, it started with Matthew. I finally convinced those fucking people to get him a psych eval because something was seriously wrong with him. He was diagnosed with a low IQ and autism. He started seeing a counselor and I was trying to give him social time since he felt majorly rejected by his peers at school. I lent him my cell phone, even my PC to talk to people on facebook or whatever. Matt however had a taste for girls half his age. The first one we caught him with was 9 years old and he was 15. So we had to monitor his social habits. From then it was the bullshit with him just being a thief, a liar, and delusional. He would tell me he’s a vampire and could turn into a wolf. One night I was arguing with his mother and him and his brother joe decided to puff up their chests and I told them if they felt froggy start leaping. Matt lunged at me and his mother tried to break us up but at that point I was going to break his neck I was so pissed. Joe pulled a knife and threatened to stab me, I said fuck it I had enough and tried to drive off. They were even throwing shit at my van.

Fights like these were getting worse, and it because they did not want me there, only my wife did some of the time really. Kai was always with her mother, but she liked me too. I was trying to lead a family that did not want to be lead, but they wanted out of there. To be honest so did I. The place was nothing but bad vibes

and filth. We made up a chore list for all the kids based on age and what they could do, and even had an allowance for them. It wasn’t much but I thought it be a good way to get them to feel like they were a part of something that became a whole, the whole was the family unit.

Karen did little to nothing. She was too busy blowing the tax return money and anything other cash she could get her hands on. She did however get me a job with a guy named Oscar trenching electrical to a trailer he had on his ranch. This got completely fucked because I was under the impression Karen told Oscar I was to be paid for this work. Well Oscar was under the impression Karen was to pay me because evidently Karen owed Oscar money. They got pissed and then they calmed down and decided to pay me 300 dollars. Gave some to the kids for helping and with all the gas I took to drive down there by the time I was paid out I didn’t make a dime. Joe however did a good job. He worked his ass off helping me. Kid wasn’t lazy at least. Matt however was always the opposite.

I remember one day I asked matt to water the horses, he came back in in 10 minutes and he didn’t even turn on the hose when I went out and checked the tanks. I came in and stopped him the doorway and started giving him shit for lying. He pushed me and I put him to the floor. He then ran out with a knife and was threatening to kill himself. I had to chase him down and tackle him to get the knife back. From there he went to the pavilion in Killeen, it was a psych center for the mentally ill. They at least got him stable and on the right medication.

The grandfather couldn’t stop watching his porn, even when the youngest boy was in the room with him. The first time I said something Karen yelled at him. The second time Cody wasn’t allowed to sleep in there anymore. They were also going and spending time with their uncle war chief friend guy from Karen’s billiard club raven. This guy didn’t like me before I even met him. No doubt thanks to Karen and my wife when she was pissed off. I even went up and did electrical work for this guy for nothing and he still was just an asshole. I like his father though, he thought of him as just as funny a joke as I did.

Then the grandfather dies on St Patrick’s day, so Karen tells me to just stay the fuck out of it and don’t say a word. Whatever, I go fix the fences out back. Shunned from the family, what a fucking surprise. Here I am waiting on him hand and foot, same with the wife’s kids fighting off rats bugs and bullshit now I’m just a fucking piece of shit right? fuck ever. So the next pile of bullshit I get is the wife telling me what an asshole I am for hiding back here. What else was I supposed to do?

The funeral was a mess, and Karen’s hate for me was running deeper and more obvious. It was always poor Karen, Oh woe is Karen, everyone was taking from Karen, boo fucking who. She was such a sympathy junkie, a fucking liar, and just

a general waste of life screwing anyone for loans, or anything else of value she could get her hands on. People like that your just better off staying the fuck away from. She of course at the time had all these friends who fell for her bs, whatever.

I didn’t have time to play imaginary native American with her, or listen to any lies or garbage. I had a family to look after. It was also obvious the rest of the family did not like her at all. I took from their advice to stay as far the fuck away from her as humanly possible.

We all cleaned out his room and brought the grandmother home from the nursing home. No doubt so her social security could pay the bills. She was a different story however. My wife really loved her, took amazing care of her. But it was pretty fucking clear, it was time to go. Karen’s bullshit and that property was just too much for all of these people, and it was obviously effecting me in turn. I can’t live in place like that, and I sure as shit couldn’t deal with all the fighting.

We both agreed to get the fuck out ASAP.

Thankfully RK Bass hired me back and in April and I borrowed the money from my parents to get place in Killeen. It was the cheapest place I found that could at least house all of us. I had the family loading the van every day I came home from work, and I unloaded it myself after work to save on gas since the place was along the way. I didn’t mind it gave me time away from that crazy assed house. I also had the exterminators hit the place hard and kill every bug I saw in that shit hole. Including the fucking roaches. This place was going to be bug free or catch on fucking fire.

When we got close enough I had the wife and kids go up to unpack and arrange the place. We left Kempner and the wife was in tears leaving her grandmother. Karen had money on her mind and all she would make selling the junk off in the house. I moved with little to nothing, I spent my days stealing wood from job sites and building furniture, fixing the kitchen cabinets, scavenging and pilfering places for anything I could, materials, mirrors, sinks, even a fridge. My job didn’t pay much but I figure we did pretty good with what we had. Also sealing up all the cracks to make sure the bugs and mice would stay the fuck out.

Every check went to everything we needed in priority, and we slowly started to make the place a home. All of this was extremely draining, but my wife was holding up her end, she was keeping the house and chasing after the kids. Seemed like this was going to be the right choice, maybe even squirrel some money away for a better place to live. But every week, something else would break or there was something else we needed. It was a battle uphill in molasses. As long as the wife was doing her part, I was gonna do mine.

My wife’s grandmother also passed away around this time. She did not go to the

funeral, and her mother blamed me specifically for that. I took the kids and went

with them. Again this is the part where Karen wanted to kick my ass like at her father’s funeral because I didn’t do something right or give her some kind of attention or sympathy. I had my own family to deal with, and i was fresh out. So the usual, some friends hold her back and say he’s not worth it. I wonder why I wasn’t? I know all the whispers my wife did behind my back, but not one of these fucking idiots ever came to me and talked to me about them. The ones that did got my side and quit talking to her or found out on their own what kind of person my wife was, especially without medication. I’m no angel but anyone putting any additional bullshit in my life was not welcome.

I was bringing home copper wire when I could, and stripping it out in the meantime. Even the kids helped out so did the wife. It was really working out, I had no idea what I forgot. My wife’s mental state without medication.